The Playoff Drive Begins

Now that the warmest February on record is almost over, local hockey team the Black Aces are turning their collective attention to their annual gruelling playoff run. Temperatures over the last 10 days have been well above normal, ensuring less than acceptable conditions on ski hills within a 500km radius. This has freed up the Aces to devote the 78% of their brains normally reserved for skiing to thinking about other things. Like hockey.

"It's true" said team telemarketer Rich W "Now that the snow is gone I find myself thinking less about carving turns through pristine powder above the treeline and more about how we're going to get through this insane playoff drive."

The Aces improved their chances of going to the dance for a 5th consecutive year by eeking out a 4-3 win over a troublesome Warriors squad in their most recent game. A last-minute goal by Ralph (his 2nd of the game and 14th goal in the last 3) sealed the deal, with Pete S potting the other 2 Aces goals.

Other Aces are also getting mentally and physically prepped for the dash to the post-season, a COTHL ritual that sees only 4 teams make it through to the playoffs.

Team birdcaller Paul M has decided to go all-out this year to make sure he's in peak physical condition for the big show. "Not only am I riding my bike to games with my equipment towed behind me, I'll be towing the entire team's equipment as well" said Paul. "All week long, not just on game day. My family won't let me in the house because of the smell, but it's all worth it."

To ensure success if and when the team makes the post-season, team yodelling instructor Ralph R has initiated a strict diet for the rest of the season. "I only had 6 beers last night" said Ralph as he fidgeted with his hands "6! You want dedication, there you go. The playoffs can't come soon enough, y'ask me."

The rest of the team is following the general guidelines laid down in ancient times by a 31-year-old Aubrey, now the spiritual leader of the team and facing off-season surgery to replace every joint and muscle in his body. Written on sheepskin using the blood of a mastodon, the list is a simple "do more" versus "do less" affair, so that even beer league hockey players can understand it. Here it is:

Cedarvale Massacre

You there, Joe Trudeau. What is your question?

With mainstream media outlets in disarray due to the unprecedented attacks on them as ‘fake’ by US President Donald Trump and his White House staff, your intrepid Black Aces reporter was able to slip into last week’s press conference on the strength of nothing more than a red baseball cap and a Make America Great Again T-shirt. An excerpt of his exchange with the president, which somehow was not televised, is below.

Intrepid Aces Reporter

"Mr President are you aware of the terrible events of last night in Toronto Canada?"

Donald J Trump

(squints into the lights)

"Is that you Joe? I mean Mister Prime Minister? Tremendous to see you again."

IAR

"No Mr President, I’m a reporter with the Black - er, White Aces Network in Toronto Canada. Canadian media are not reporting on the Cedarvale Massacre, which definitely did occur last night in Toronto and is in no way a made up thing."

DJT

"Are all you Canadians so amazingly handsome? Isn't he handsome, ladies and gentlemen? Tremendous. No, handsome Canadian man, I was not aware of this. Spice!! "

A worried-looking Sean Spicer runs out to the podium and confers off-mic with the president. Trump nods sagely, juts his chin in a presidential manner.

DJT

"I’ve just been told that we have our best people on it already. We have the very best people, as you know, the very very best. Fine-tuned machine. But why don’t you give us some details for the benefit of the New York Times and those other fakey-fake news outlets back there behind you. Maybe they can learn something, but I doubt it."

IAR

"Mister President sir, details are sketchy but it appears that the Black Aces deliberately destroyed the Bloor Battlers, who were wearing their white away sweaters at the time, by a score of 5-2 at Cedarvale Arena. It’s being referred to as the Cedarvale Massacre, but the CBC and other mainstream liberal Canadian media are refusing to cover the story."

Trump pauses to consider this sentence, which appears to have taken him by surprise.

DJT

"What colour did you say these Aces were?"

IAR

"Black, sir. The Black Aces. Against battlers in white. 2 goals for Bruce, 2 for Ralph, and one for Rich. Officials tried to stop the slaughter by calling unwarranted penalties but in the end it was no use. The Black Shirts could not be turned aside."

DJT

"We must stop all immigration from Canada immediately until we know what’s going on. I’ll be signing a new executive order first thing in the morning. We have to do it, people, black aces are pouring over the border, invading our defensive zones and terrorizing our people.

No more questions, thank you."

этот человек безумен

Context: DONALD TRUMP’S ALTERNATIVE-REALITY PRESS CONFERENCE

Aces Post a Loss

Local hockey team the Black Aces enjoyed a less than stellar outing in their most recent game, another disappointing loss to a non-threatening Warriors squad. This time the blackshirts fell by a score of 2-1 in spite of seeing more than enough chances around (but not IN) the net.

How did they manage to not outscore the Warriors this time? If you look closely you will find a hidden clue somewhere on this page. Go ahead, I'll wait. And while you hunt for the clue I'll just go back to watching my second favourite Italian movie of all time (after I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore of course) Il Postino. Magnificent work, really.

Oh, are you back? Did you find the clue? That's right, they played like a bunch of pussies. Well done.

On a happier note, the fine people at Ferro kept the kitchen open and prepared some delicious pizzas for the Aces' post-game meal.

Onward. The playoffs loom, and we want to go into the post-season on a high note.

I hope you enjoyed this week's post.

I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore

Film Development Proposal - Telefilm Canada

Ti amo Maria, ma il mio cuore è per le assi

To: Vaness Manco, Ontario region application officer
From: Enrico Wardoni, Assi Neri Produzioni

Ciao Vanessa,

Please accept the attached documentation as our application for Telefilm Canada Canadian Media Fund development funds for for our new Canadian-Italian co-production “I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore”.

This project will be a short pseudo-documentary film shot in the style of Michelangelo Antonioni, the great Italian filmmaker of the 1960s. Think L’Avventura on ice - people (in this case, local Toronto hockey team the Black Aces) search for… what? Love? Victory? Some meaning to their lives? The answer is never revealed. Our documentary crew follows the Aces as they struggle to prevail in the ultra-competitive COTHL. Stark black and white photography emphasizes the blackness of their quest, while paradoxically revealing the non-binary nature of reality itself.

While presented in the style of a documentary, we will actually be re-creating scenes from the team’s history in order to ensure artistic integrity and quality. This will include the team’s latest game, a hard-fought 4-4 tie with league-leading Wyse Guys that saw them pull the goalie in the last minute to bang home the tying goal. Another 2 goals came from hot-streaking Ralph, plus singles from Pete T and Mark (the aforementioned tying goal).

Assi Neri Produzioni is seeking 120 million dollars to complete this 20 minute film, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a fair price for such an important work of art. A complete line-by-line production costs estimate is attached, but some highlights include:

• $55 million for recreating the entire Phil White Arena in our Italian production facilities in Milano
• $23 million for the construction of a custom Zamboni ice-cleaning machine by the Ferrari design team
• $13 million to hire Italian actress Monica Bellucci to play the key role of Zamboni Girl
• $2.4 million for the recreation of Ferro’s restaurant, which must be located at our production facility in Milano in order to ensure that the kitchen remain open and operational during the shoot
• $1.6 million for beer

Meet the new Zamboni Girl

Ms Manco I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience, and I look forward to working with Telefilm Canada to bring this incredible film to the public.

Ciao!

Enrico Wardoni
Consulente Senior di Produzione
Assi Neri Produzioni

Not all bad news

Somewhere out there in space is a chunk of rock heading for the Earth that is just big enough to wipe out all life on the planet. While we wait for that to happen, let's review a few events from the past week, in no particular order:

1.  US President Trump continues his descent into madness, banning travellers from 7 Muslim countries from entering the United States. Chaos ensues.
2. Some piece of shit in Quebec opened fire on a mosque, killing 6 people.
3. Massive ice storm in New Brunswick.
4. Spring break in January is over, winter is back.
5. Kevin O'Leary and Kellie Leithch are serious about running for PC Party Leadership.
6. The guy who invented Pac Man died.
7. Scientists have moved the 'Doomsday Clock' the closest to midnight it's been since the 1950s.
8. Artificial intelligence seems like a good idea.
9. Starbucks promises to hire refugees, Trump supporters say they'll boycott Starbucks.
10. Aces defeat Battlers, 4-3. Great game from Ralph with the hattie, plus a single from Pete T. There was almost enough beer to go around after the game. 

See, it's not all bad news.


Also, there's this:

Aces Will Not Attend Inauguration

Incredible game, Aces. Unbelievable.

Local hockey legends the Black Aces have confirmed that they will not be attending the upcoming inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States. The Aces join a long list of celebrities and VIPs who have decided to give the event a miss.

Team communications director Aubrey S explains: "Trump's people must have heard about our latest game" he said "KellyAnn Conway herself tweeted at me about bringing the Aces down to DC for the inauguration, but after talking to the guys I had to tell her we'd be a no-show."

The game in question was a thrilling 2-1 victory over this year's COTHL "it" team, the Wyse Guys. The blackshirts fell by a wide margin in their previous matchup, so the victory this time around was sweet.

"We built a wall and made the Wyse Guys pay for it" said Aces defensive coordinator Al H after the game. "So maybe the Donald thought we were sympatico with his foreign policy approach, I'm not sure."

Goals came from Ralph and Joe 2 Names, and the entire team stuck to the game plan of "don't let their number one guy have the puck". It seemed to work. So well in fact that it secured them an invitation to the presidential inauguration on January 20.

"I only want winners at my crowning" said an orange-hued Trump when reached by your intrepid Aces reporter and scribe "and the Aces are winners. Every one of them. Believe me. This isn't over yet."

The Aces' next game is against perennial whipping boys the Warriors. Presumably the President Elect will be paying close attention.

Dear SantaCo

Dear SantaCo.,

Thank you so much for bringing me the cool Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set for Christmas this year! It was exactly what I wanted, and I was very excited when I finally unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Mom and Dad said you would know what I wanted, and I guess they were right.

At first everything looked perfect. All the defensemen were in the package, and it even included the Marksman Mark^® Scoring Unit. My friend Bob has the Battlers set and he’s always bragging about how great it is, but he’s a dick so of course I really wanted to beat him bad.

The 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 editions were all really great, everyone knows that. So that’s why I wanted this latest edition for 2017.

I’m writing you a letter because I think there’s something wrong with my set. When I put them on the ice, something looked not quite right. The D was terrible, the Army John^® Goalie Unit missed a bunch of shots, and most of the time the forwards just skated around in circles. Two of the forwards even had skis instead of skates, so they were totally useless.

I don’t want to return the Aces but if dickhead Bob and the Battlers beat me one more time I’m shipping the whole box back to you, Santa.

Please tell me what to do.

Your friend,

Little Jimmy in Toronto


Dear Little Jimmy,

Santa is on vacation in Maui right now, so as head of Customer Service I’m authorized to respond on Santa’s behalf.

I am so sorry to hear about the defective Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set, please accept my and Santa's deepest apologies for this terrible situation. We take our toys very seriously here at SantaCo^®, and we’re prepared to make things right for you.

To that end, I have included along with this letter a one pound bag of medical-grade marijuana grown by some very special elves right here in the world famous North Pole Grow Op. We call this blend “Hyper Drive”. It’s given a light dusting of Adderall just before we ship it, and if you put it in the box with your Aces and then just give it a shake, it will really help them focus the next time you put them on the ice.

Good luck Little Jimmy.

Ron Donaldson

SantaCo Customer Service Dept.

www.santaco.com

PS – Do not, I repeat, do NOT under any circumstances combine the Hyper Drive with any amount of Old Speckled Hen. We are still in legal proceedings from an unfortunate pecking-related mass killing in the Markham Oldtimers Hockey League in 2015.

PPS – we heard about the 6-4 loss to the Battlers last week and the unfortunate injury to the Marksman Mark^® unit. Stay strong, and 2017 will be another good year for the Aces. Santa himself said so, and you don't cross Santa if you know what's good for you.