Aces Off-Season Training Pays Dividends

No, not that kind of training camp

Most beer league players spend their summers putting on weight and perfecting barbecue techniques. Aces players? Not so much. After winning the cup two years running you might expect them to take it easy, but if their first game is any indication it looks like the blackshirts spent their summer putting on awesome, not pounds. 

Although the team’s dryland training regime remains a closely guarded secret, we are  able to reveal a partial list of the advanced fitness routines followed by Aces players this summer. 

In previous off-seasons the team was directed by none other than Vladimir Putin, but this year his busy schedule of rebuilding the Russian Empire kept him from making the trip to the Aces training camp. So the team had to improvise. 

“Paint side down” 

To increase lung capacity, players gather closely around an open fire fueled by scrap wood painted on one side with lead-based house paint. Paint side down, of course, because safety.

“Not golf” 

In this exercise, players spend 4-5 hours navigating a challenging outdoor obstacle course in a motorized cart, periodically swinging a perimeter-weighted metal or carbon rod at a small spherical target. Players are encouraged to hydrate as much as possible. To make it extra challenging, a blinding hangover is optional and recommended only for advanced participants. 

“The team that plays together...”

Team cameraderie is critical to success. To foster this elusive bonding quality, Aces players form a band and like, totally rock out. 1970s style of course, because all music made after that era is garbage, amiright? 

[photos to come, possibly video]

“Roll on down the highway”

An exquisite sense of balance is essential to the modern hockey player if he is to be successful in today’s highly competitive beer league atmosphere. To enhance this key attribute, players practice exiting a moving motorcycle and executing a series of rolls on pavement. Retaining consciousness during the exercise is optional, but don’t forget to have a spotter. Bonus points if the move is video recorded and makes it to Youtube.

These and other top-secret training techniques no doubt played a key role in propelling the Aces to a solid 4-1 win over the Wyse Guys in their first game of the 2014-2015 season. Kevin played a solid game between the pipes, the D did their usual brick wall routine, and forwards Rod and Mike each added a goal to Mark’s pair. 

Aces Mexican connection and sponsor Joe P provided some delicious Coronas post game, flown in specially from Mexico for the occasion and served Mexican-style (luke cold, to preserve the flavour). 

More pics from the Aces top secret training camp in June:

Black Aces HC Crush COTHL Competition

For the second year in a row, local hockey team the Black Aces have come out on top of the venerable Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League. The Aces finished a wire-to-wire first place season with a 5-0 sausage-ing of rival team the Wyse Guys, leaving no doubt as to who the class of the COTHL was for 2013-2014.

Goals from Rod, Mark (2), Al, and Mike sent the Wyse Guys packing, with Kevin putting in another perfect game in the net. A total team effort once again.

The decisive win and season also left other teams in the league wondering just what had happened. How could a team that had such humble beginnings turn into such a powerhouse? What was the secret to their success?

Just like the mysterious and mighty Stonehenge, the Black Aces remain inscrutable - a force of nature immune to easy analysis but surrounded by theories, myths and legends. Let’s take a look back...

1990s

In the beginning, there was the Aub. And the Aub said “let there be hockey”, and there was hockey. And it was bad. Really bad. The early days featured a lineup light on talent and even lighter on experience, including a defense corps made up of chain smoking coal miners who could not skate more than three strides without collapsing a lung. They were prodigious brawlers however, which was a good thing since most of the COTHL in those days was ex-boxers, cops, and convicted felons on day parole.

2000

As the millenium drew to a close, the team evolved. Players began skating upright and bought new sticks, smoking in the dressing room was banned, and Paul F stepped up to sponsor the team and provide sweaters that were all the same colour. Black. Black as night. Puck black. Aces Black. The Black Aces were born. The team still had trouble winning, but an unshakeable bond was forming that would carry them through the dark times and onwards towards the distant shining beacon of mediocrity that would be

The mid 2000s

New players arrived, old players retired to become provincial court judges and dubious purveyors of bivalve mollusks, and the Aces slowly but surely became competitive. As the psychopaths and murderers on the other teams were banished and the league became more about ‘skill’ than ‘kill’, the men in black rose through the standings to finally take the championship in the 2007-2008 season. Those were heady days, and the wait staff at Ferros still fondly recall the $20 tip after the end-of-season blowout. Much pizza was consumed that day, my friends, and gallons of beer swigged from the skulls of the Aces’ enemies.

Late 2000s to present day

Although many on the Aces may have felt as if they were part of a nascent dynasty that would extend to eternity, it was not to be. Heartbreak and disappointment were the rule for the next few seasons as the Aces would rule the regular season only to fail in the playoffs. The bitterness of defeat could not be assuaged even by the sweet taste of the Boys That Are Tall nor the many delicious varieties of Ferros pizza. The summers those years were hard, make no mistake.

During the 2012-2013 season it seemed the once-mighty Black Aces, in spite of the excellence of their team sweaters and the inspirational lifestyle of team sponsor and high-altitude entrepreneur Joe P, were in a tailspin. Wins were thin on the ground and goals were as rare as blumpkins at a church picnic. It was looking pretty dire. Even Aces ace netminder Raj C was having trouble keeping his normal laser-like focus after his new bride switched his pre-game ipod playlist from gangsta rap and Norwegian black metal to Justin Bieber and Drake.

Just when all appeared lost, the Aces somehow turned their doomed ship around. Winning the final 4 regular season games and 2 playoff games, the team converted a season of despair into the greatest comeback story in hockey history. New hires Rod and Pete played a big role, injecting new life into the team and helping them to victory.

And now, with the 2013-2014 season done and dusted and 2 consecutive years of awesomeness under their pants, the Aces find themselves talking dynasty once again. A further injection of talent in the form of Mark, Paul and Kevin has made the men in the black shirts a force to be reckoned with. And, just like the mighty Stonehenge, they remain mysterious, rock-like and awe-inspiring.

Great season, you guys. And now please enjoy this not quite safe for work video.

Russian Federation Annexes Black Aces HC

In a development some political analysts are calling 'unexpected', the Russian Federation last week sent armed troops into midtown Toronto to secure the Black Aces Hockey Club, reigning champs of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League.

"Crimea Shmimea" said a laid back Vlad Putin after the surprise move "Ze Ukraine can wait until after the playoffs, when Aces secure glorious victory for Mother Russia."

When pressed for his plans for the little-known hockey club, Putin would not say outright that he sought to have the team moved to Russia, but did make a subtle reference to "a certain Malaysian aircraft" that may have been commandeered to relocate the Aces to Sochi. "We are not using that town any more" said Putin spokesperson Yuri Nidiotski "so will make nice headquarters for Aces hockey team. Many nice apartment there."

Until the final game can be played on March 19, the Aces have each been given a personal lady bodyguard to keep them in tip top shape. Women Russian bodyguards are now in short supply (due to most attractive Russian women now working as strippers) so the Aces' bodyguards all look like this:

Не шутите с Aces, сукин

If that doesn't inspire the team to greatness, nothing will.

For fans of the team wondering what the hell has been happening the past few weeks, here's a recap:

Feb 26: Wyse Guys 5, Aces 3.  A nothing game, and with ski season still in full swing most of the gusy were a little preoccupied. John played backup goal, too bad the team didn't play in front of him. 2 goals for Pete, 1 for Mark.
March 5: Semi final game! Aces 4, Warriors 2. A disputed goal almost ruined the night for the blackshirts, but they did prevail in the end. Single goals went to Jeff, Rod, Pete and Mark. Kevin was back in net and held the fort when it looked like the Warriors were mounting a comeback.
Last week: March break. A snowstorm. A shinny game for those who braved the snow.

And now here we are.

Candidates for 2014-2015 Aces Coaching Job Line Up Early

As the 2013-2014 COTHL regular season nears the end, there are already 4 hopefuls vying for the position of Black Aces HC coach for next year. Now that the olympics are done, this is considered the most prestigious coaching job available, so it's no surprise that there is some interest being shown this early.

Here are your potential bench bosses for the upcoming campaign:

Rob Ford

Anything else?

Plus: may be available next fall
Minus: may be in jail next fall
Plus: will bring the beer every week
Minus: will bring the crack every week
Quote:
"Have I coached hockey before? Yes, approximately one year ago, probably in one of my drunken stupors."

John Tory

Hi, I'm John T-zzzzzzzzzzzz

Plus: not a crackhead, as far as we know
Minus: knows nothing about hockey
Quote:
"Well I'm seriously thinking about whether or not I might consider pondering a possible run at the coaching job. I'll let you know. Probably."

David Soknacki

Add caption

Plus: no priors
Minus: unspellable surname
Quote:
"I'm just like Rob Ford but without the crack, so this is a perfect gig for me. Crack is bad for hockey performance, unlike meth, which I am in favour of."

Karen Stintz

Nobody told me about the smell!

Plus: can commandeer TTC vehicles for post-game trip to Ferro's
Minus: wants all Aces to wear figure skates
Plus: likes older men
Minus: wants to redesign the team crest, something in taupe.
Quote:
"I've worked with Rob Ford, so how bad can this job be?"


In actual hockey news, the Aces continue to roll through the COTHL. Last week's game was a 3-2 victory over the Battlers with John from the Warriors in net. Rod sniped a pair and linemate Mark chipped in with another as a lean Aces machine shut down an overstaffed Battlers squad. Again.

Write your own Black Aces blog post

Due to the recent absence of long-time Aces reporter and blogmaster, the team is now offering players and fans the opportunity to write their own fully customizable blog posts.

Simply choose from the available options to create a game report that accurately reflects the results of the most recent Aces

• game
• win
• pleasure skate
• pizza order

See how easy it is? Now you go:

---

Black Aces 

• WIN!!

• Crush it again

• Rule!

In the latest in a long line of

• epic victories 
• stunning upsets 
• unexpected wins 
• beer-fueled slugfests 

local hockey team the Black Aces

• pulled off 
• squeaked out 
• cruised to 
• laid down 

 a

• thorough drubbing 
• last-minute win 
• total domination 
• mild scolding 

of their COTHL rivals the

• Warriors 
• Wyse Guys 
• Bloor Battlers 
• referees 

As has been the case all season long, the Aces defence corps held off the enemy through

• determination and grit 
• brilliant strategy 
• pure talent 
• blinding good looks 

while the forwards

• worked their magic 
• put on a clinic 
• filled the opposing net 
• took the night off 

 Opposition players were once again left

• scratching their heads 
• holding their d*cks 
• demanding a urine test 
• demanding to see birth certificates 

as they have been all season.

Playoffs begin soon, and Aces fans, aka

• current players 
• former players 
• Pete’s son 
• the zamboni driver 

are/is pulling for a repeat of 2012-2013, when the team took it’s rightful place atop the COTHL.

---

Now simply fax your game report to Aces' technology consultant Simon C, and he will send out a telex to everyone in his rolodex.

Also, most recent games:
Feb 12: Aces 3, Warriors 2
Feb 5: cancelled due to snow and lack of interest
Jan 29: Aces 5, Battlers 3

Hockey Canada Announces New Olympic Lineup

After releasing the final lineup for Canada's olympic men's ice hockey team last week, Hockey Canada is reported to be making some last minute changes after the Black Aces' latest COTHL win.

The Aces 6-0 win over the Warriors was so convincing, such an utterly ass-kickingly jaw-droppingly shut-the-F-up-edly work of art that coach Mike Babcock has decided to send the Aces to Sochi instead of the original hand-picked collection of NHL superstars.

"I happened to catch the game on ESPN-22, and what I saw convinced me that the best hope for our nation at the Olympics rests not with Sydney Crosby and a bunch of elite professional athletes, but with the Black Aces Hockey Club. They were a revelation." said Babcock last week. "Also, I've been having these really weird headaches lately. And blacking out a lot too. But I'm pretty sure I saw the best hockey team I've ever seen. They wear the black sweaters, right?"

Hockey Canada officials are not commenting publicly about the surprise changes, except to say they are reviewing the game tapes from the Aces latest win and expect to make a statement soon.

When told of the unexpected development, Aces team Chaplain Ralph R took the news in stride. "After winning the motherf***ing COTHL championship last year, a lot of f***ing people thought we had nowhere to go but down. But I knew we could top that sh*t. And now look, we're off to the goddam olympics. Suck on that, haters."

Other Aces players were a little less cocksure than Ralph.

Pete - "Where is Sushi, anyway?"
Rod - "I'm bringing my own vodka, just in case. Remember what happened in '72 with the steaks"
Paul - "If I can't ride across the border I don't want to go"
Joe H - "They have palm trees there, so count me in"
Paul F - "If I bring my own sweater can I go too?"
Mark - "If I go can I have a sweater?"

Box scores from the epic 6-0 win:

Mark - 3 goals
Pete - 1 goal
Rich - 1 goal
Mike - 1 goal
Kevin - shutout!

I don't yet know how, Crosby, but I swear to you, one day
I will crush your olympic dreams. I promise.

Mark 5, Other Aces 2, Wyse Guys 3

Fellow Black Aces - After our latest game I somehow received the following cryptic email, which appears to have been destined for someone else on the team and sent by a mysterious "J" on a beach somewhere. This was a day after the Aces put a 7-3 hurt on the Wyse Guys, with a 5 goal performance from Mark. That brings his yearly total to something like 50 goals now, more than the rest of the team combined. This in spite of not having an official Aces jersey on his back. The other 2 came from Pete (also jersey-less!) and Rich, with some solid goaltending on the back end from Kevin, yet another of the not-quite-black-Aces. 

You would think management would be pulling out all the stops to get proper jerseys for our new players, given the outstanding contributions made by all of them - Mark, Kevin, Paul, and from last year Rod and Pete. After reading this email you might think something else. 

You be the judge.

To: A 
From: J
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

A - GOT YOUR EMAIL ABOUT THE LATEST GAME, GOOD TO SEE THE TEAM IS BACK ON TRACK. I'D HATE TO HAVE TO STOP YOUR SPECIAL SHIPMENTS DUE TO THE POOR PLAY OF THE ACES. YOU KNOW OUR AGREEMENT. THE TEAM KEEPS WINNING,I KEEP WINNING MY TOTALLY LEGIT MEXICAN-CANADIAN HOCKEY POOL, AND FEDEX KEEPS BRINGING YOU PACKAGES OF THOSE USED CHAMBERMAID'S UNIFORMS YOU LIKE SO MUCH. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM, OK? 

ONE THING - THIS MARK GUY WE SIGNED THIS YEAR, I KNOW HE WANTS A TEAM JERSEY BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES CAN WE GIVE HIM ONE. HE'S SCORING LIKE A MADMAN BECAUSE HE'S HUNGRY. GIVE HIM A JERSEY AND WE TAKE AWAY THE CARROT, THE MOTIVATION. COMPRENDE? TELL HIM IT'S ON THE WAY, TELL HIM IT'S AT THE CLEANERS, TELL HIM WHATEVER YOU LIKE BUT DON'T GIVE HIM A JERSEY UNLESS HE STOPS SCORING. 

SAME GOES FOR THOSE OTHER GUYS, PAUL AND PETE AND ROD AND KEVIN. IF IT AIN'T BROKE DON'T FIX IT, AMIRIGHT? NEW HOCKEY JERSEYS DON'T GROW ON TREES. OR CACTII.

JUST KEEP THE TEAM WINNING, AMIGO. YOUR NEXT SHIPMENT IS ON THE WAY. 

SURF'S UP, GOTTA GO.

J.