Aces Off-Season Training Pays Dividends

No, not that kind of training camp

Most beer league players spend their summers putting on weight and perfecting barbecue techniques. Aces players? Not so much. After winning the cup two years running you might expect them to take it easy, but if their first game is any indication it looks like the blackshirts spent their summer putting on awesome, not pounds. 

Although the team’s dryland training regime remains a closely guarded secret, we are  able to reveal a partial list of the advanced fitness routines followed by Aces players this summer. 

In previous off-seasons the team was directed by none other than Vladimir Putin, but this year his busy schedule of rebuilding the Russian Empire kept him from making the trip to the Aces training camp. So the team had to improvise. 

“Paint side down” 

To increase lung capacity, players gather closely around an open fire fueled by scrap wood painted on one side with lead-based house paint. Paint side down, of course, because safety.

“Not golf” 

In this exercise, players spend 4-5 hours navigating a challenging outdoor obstacle course in a motorized cart, periodically swinging a perimeter-weighted metal or carbon rod at a small spherical target. Players are encouraged to hydrate as much as possible. To make it extra challenging, a blinding hangover is optional and recommended only for advanced participants. 

“The team that plays together...”

Team cameraderie is critical to success. To foster this elusive bonding quality, Aces players form a band and like, totally rock out. 1970s style of course, because all music made after that era is garbage, amiright? 

[photos to come, possibly video]

“Roll on down the highway”

An exquisite sense of balance is essential to the modern hockey player if he is to be successful in today’s highly competitive beer league atmosphere. To enhance this key attribute, players practice exiting a moving motorcycle and executing a series of rolls on pavement. Retaining consciousness during the exercise is optional, but don’t forget to have a spotter. Bonus points if the move is video recorded and makes it to Youtube.

These and other top-secret training techniques no doubt played a key role in propelling the Aces to a solid 4-1 win over the Wyse Guys in their first game of the 2014-2015 season. Kevin played a solid game between the pipes, the D did their usual brick wall routine, and forwards Rod and Mike each added a goal to Mark’s pair. 

Aces Mexican connection and sponsor Joe P provided some delicious Coronas post game, flown in specially from Mexico for the occasion and served Mexican-style (luke cold, to preserve the flavour). 

More pics from the Aces top secret training camp in June: