Battlers Allege Inappropriate Touching

"It was his stick"

After their most recent game against COTHL rivals the Black Aces, the Bloor Street Battlers are contending that several of their players were touched in an aggressive and wholly inappropriate manner by Aces defenseman James D. These instances, the Battlers allege, happened over a period of several games but came to a head in the 3rd period of their 1-1 tie on January 24.

"I went into the corner in the Aces end, and all of a sudden I felt something hard between my legs... it was his stick..." said a visibly distraught Battlers winger (names are being withheld to protect identities). "I was so angry, but I couldn't say anything because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Les wasn't watching the play, and it all happened so fast."

Other Battlers are also alleging similar incidents in past games. "It's always him, always the same guy" sobbed another Battlers forward "It feels good to finally get this out in the open. He's so mean!"

Rumours about James' play have apparently been circulating for years, but until now no one has come forward with any specific allegations. Even the Aces themselves may have been aware but did nothing about it, choosing instead to defend their teammate.

"Sure he plays a little rough sometimes, but that's just James" said teammate Pete T. "And besides, those Battlers were asking for it. They knew what they were getting into."

"I have no idea what those guys are talking about" said James after the game. "My intentions are always honourable, but if my opponents have somehow misinterpreted my actions then I'm sorry for that."

The Aces continue to show signs of improvement, though their chances at another President's Cup have long since evaporated. A solid game in the nets by veteran John M and some good positional play by everyone else kept the blackshirts competitive for 3 periods. A nice play between Rich W and Bruce H for the Aces' lone goal proved once again that the older generation can still get it up.

Aces Reconfigure

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces seem to have found the key to success in their most recent contest, defeating a frustrated Warriors squad 4-1 in what fans (departing COTHL early-gamers and someone known only as Zamboni Boy) later described as ‘a hockey game’.

How did the Aces pull off a win? They reconfigured. Team Strategist and Evil Mastermind Rich W had the Blackshirts playing a 1-2-2 configuration all game. For the ignorant, a 1-2-2 means one guy on the forecheck, then 2 guys a little farther out waiting to cut off an outlet pass, backed up by 2 more guys in behind. It worked a treat, as the Warriors were unable to get anything going. 

Past Aces configurations were less successful so it’s good news that the team has finally figured things out. Some of the Aces’ previous less successful alignments: 

The 5-0-0

All players rush the offensive zone, allowing the opposing team to lift a pass over everyone’s heads, usually leading to a 3 on 0 breakaway.

The 3-2-0 

All forwards converge behind the enemy net to discuss ski conditions and post-game beer selection. This usually leads to a 3 on 2 for the opposing team.

The 2-2-2

Too many men on the ice. Immediately followed by the 2-2-0. 

The 1-3-1

A terrible line change. 

The 4-20

All players are way too high to be effective, with predictable results. 

The 8675309

Zamboni Girl’s phone number, it’s rumoured. Nothing to do with hockey at all.

The 6.0221415 × 10^23

Overly complicated lineup devised by Amadeo Avagadro, the Aces first coach back in 1838. Back then the team was known as the Black Moles, and didn’t win a game all year.

The 3.14159

All players skate in circles. Popular but not too effective.

Let’s hope the team can configure some more wins this year. 

Goal scorers:  2 for Pete S, one each for Al and sometime D-man Joe 2N. 

Justin Trudeau Cancels Appearance with Black Aces

Sorry guys, I just can't do it

In a last-minute decision, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that he was cancelling a scheduled appearance with local hockey team the Black Aces this week. The announcement came on the heels of another loss by the squad (4-1 to the wyse guys this time), although Trudeau's communications advisor denied that the loss had anything to do with the decision.

"The fact that the team is playing under .500 this year did not influence the Prime Minister's decision" said spokes person Wendy McDonald "He has a number of different offers for appearances, several of which were determined to be - and I know this may come as a shock - of higher priority than an appearance with a little-known men's hockey team."

What were these offers? You might well ask. Well, gentle reader, your faithful scribe has called in some favours and secured the PM's itinerary for the next several weeks. This is what is on tap for wednesdays during that period:

January 17: Donwood Park Public School Parent-Teacher night in Scarborough Ontario. JT will be on hand to take selfies with the moms, and take part in an arm-wrestling competition with Mr. Hiley's 6th grade class.

January 24: Brittny O'Donnel's 16th birthday party planning session, with Brittny and her mom Janice. The party isn't until June 12th...  2021.

January 31: Netflix and Chill with Sophie.

February 7: Private reception at the Pallisades Retirement Residence in Point Renfrew NL, where JT will preside over the weekly bingo game, calling out numbers and taking selfies with the ladies.

February 14: Laundry. So much laundry.

Febrary 21: An appearance at karaoke night at Bud's Brewery in Parksville BC. JT has been working on a very special version of Careless Whispers by WHAM! and is anxious to debut it at Bud's.

And it carries on like this for several more weeks. By the time the PM's schedule opens up, the Aces will be on the golf course or at their annual post-season un-training camp in Bayfield.

The team will have to soldier onwards without the power and inspiration of a carefully scripted, camera-friendly visit from Canada's Prime Minister. Team management is rumoured to be working on a special pre-game pep talk by businessman and sometime politician Doug Ford, but this could not be confirmed at press time.

I'm available! Folks!

Next Stop, Cedarvale

Toronto straphangers were excited this past week to finally see the opening of the York Spadina Subway Extension after years of budget wrangling and construction delays. Not only can subway riders now take the train all the way to Pioneer Village (where the station is finished in period-authentic oak timbers and all TTC employees will wear church bonnets and hoop skirts) but the formerly isolated residents of Vaughan can now finally venture south of Steeles Avenue to fetch potable water, Honda parts and Axe Body Spray.

In a surprise news conference today, Toronto Mayor John Not-Rob-Ford-But-Close Tory and TTC CEO Andy Get-Me-The-Fuck-Outta-Here Byford also announced the opening of a brand new station on the Spadina line between St Clair West and Eglinton West Stations.

Cedarvale Station will open on Wednesday December 20 in time for local hockey team the Black Aces to make their game at Cedarvale Arena on time for a change.

"This fabulous new station will ensure that Pete S will finally be on time for these crucial ice hockey matches" said Tory "We've done the research and listened to the experts and we feel that the $1.2 Billion it cost to build the new station is money well spent. In fact, we anticipate that Aces players who currently bicycle to the games will abandon this quite frankly dangerous mode of transportation in favour of the TTC from now on."

Added Andy Byford, "With the latest impressive 5-3 win by the Black Aces against rivals the Battlers, the timing couldn't be better. We are looking forward to a 6th COTHL title for the team this year."

Where you at, Zamboni Girl?

In addition to the impressive new platform located beneath the Cedarvale Arena, the new station will have a moving sidewalk linking it to Ferro on St Clair. The sidewalk will only be open on Wednesday nights, as per cost-cutting measures introduced by the TTC five minutes after the news conference.

"Unfortunately these new measures and the additional expense of adding the Cedarvale station means that the Scarborough Subway Extension will have to be, er,  altered ... somewhat" said Byford "Instead of extending to the Scarborough Town Centre  as originally planned, the new line will end at the Knob Hill Plaza on Eglinton Avenue, approximately 850 metres from Kennedy Station. It will however be conveniently close to Caddy's Gentleman's Club, so we feel that this is a win-win for everyone."

New final stop of the Scarborough Subway Extension

Doug Ford was unavailable for comment.

Smells Like... Victory

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces have reportedly signed a multi-million dollar merchandising deal with DudeBroNapalm Industries after going on an impressive winning streak at their most recent COTHL game. Industry analysts were caught off-guard by the size and speed of the deal, but DudeBroNapalm spokesbro Austin Ferrari oozed confidence at the company's news conference after the game.

"We are pleased to announce that DudeBroNapalm Industries Inc. has signed the biggest deal in its corporate history tonight. With their astonishing 8-1 win over the Warriors, the Black Aces are now without a doubt the most exciting and testosterone-drenched team in hockey history."

Ferrari went on to sketch out details of a multi-year deal that will see the Aces endorse a wide range of products beginning with Smells Like Victory cologne.

"We at DudeBroNapalm are confident that this cologne will soon be taking the world by storm. Smells Like Victory is the perfect cologne for the man who wants to smell like a combination of gunpowder, ball sweat and cheap cigars. We think it's the perfect kickoff product for the Aces."

"Every bottle", said Ferrari, "will bear the name of each of the goal-scorers from the Aces' 8-1 pounding of the Warriors, a game that will surely go down in history as the turning point of the team's 6th straight league championship season: James D (2), Pete S (2), Simon C, Al H, Martin L, and Joe D. These men shall be immortalized, as is only fitting."

Other products currently in development include:

• SmooveGroove Butt-crack and Mustache Wax
• A line of Zamboni Girl -approved tramp stamp tattoo templates
• Six6Six Breakfast Cereal - little dark chocolate "6"s  covered in honey and icing sugar and dried in the draught foam of Old Speckled Hen ale. Not for sale to minors.

Watch for the multimedia blitz by DudeBroNapalm Industries and talk to your broker about buying stock. This is going to be huge. 

It's gonna be HUGE

Words of Advice from Across the Ages

Dear Aces, get your shit together.

After finishing atop the COTHL for five straight seasons, local ice hockey team the Black Aces are not having a great year. This much is certain. In an attempt to turn things around, Aces spiritual and human resources advisor Aubrey S has gone to great lengths to consult with revered wise men from across the span of human history. How has he done this? you ask. How can he speak with sages and magi from eras past? Aubrey has an iPhone X.

This week Aubrey and his iPhone sit down with Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher and big man of the 6th century BC to talk strategy for the rest of the COTHL season. This interview will appear on the next edition of the Aces podcast, “Men in Black”. We get a sneak preview here tonight.

Aubrey: Lao, dude, great to see you. Welcome to the podcast.

Lao Tzu: Thanks bro, great to be here. Wherever this is.

Aubrey: We call it Toronto, but let’s get right down to business. The Aces… going for a 6th straight season of excellence in the COTHL. Not looking so good though. Have you been following?

Lao Tzu: I have, and I'll tell you something Aubrey, if you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

Aubrey: Whoa. That’s deep, yo. So we should just let go and not worry about winning #6, and let it happen? Did i get that right?

Lao Tzu: I'll just say that a good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

Aubrey: Uhhh, okay then, moving on. Let’s talk about scoring. Any advice for the guys to help them get back on track here?

Lao Tzu: I've always said that if you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Aubrey: Right! Drive the net. Got it. What about some wise words for the Aces D?

Lao Tzu: You know something dude, when the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves.'

Aubrey: I get it - the D should just do their job and let the forwards think it was them the whole time. Which they would anyway, amirite? You are so wise, Lao Tzu. You should write a book. So what about the first half of the season - how can the Aces put that behind them and focus on the finish?

Lao Tzu: I've always said it is better to do one's own duty, however defective it may be, than to follow the duty of another, however well one may perform it. He who does his duty as his own nature reveals it, never sins.

Aubrey: So we should try harder to play our fucking positions, is that it? that’s it, isn’t it. ?

Lao Tzu: He who knows himself is enlightened.

Aubrey: Sounds like this interview is over. Thanks for dropping by, man. We’ll see if your wise words have an effect on the Black Aces HC.

That about wraps it, folks. Wisdom and sage albeit cryptic advice from an ancient Chinese philosopher to put the team back on track. Let’s see if it helps. Last week’s 6-2 loss to the Wyse Guys (goals by Bruce and Rich) could be the last one of the season, who knows?

Songs in the Key of Black

Since the Black Aces are having some trouble putting it all together for the 2017-2018, maybe what's needed is some inspiration. Please enjoy these fine videos, Aces, and let's see if they have a positive effect.

Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones. Still pretty fucking badass.



Back in Black - AC/DC with the new guy on lead vocals.



Black - Pearl Jam. Unplugged but still pretty damn good.



Iron Man - Black Sabbath looking like late cuts from a Frank Zappa biopic.



Lonely Boy - The Black Keys. What the fuck even is this? A great song, that's what. Dance, Aces, Dance.



Black Dog - Led Fucking Zeppelin, bitches. Old Led Zeppelin and still sounding great, just to prove that old guys can still get it done. ARE YOU HEARING ME, ACES? OLD GUYS CAN STILL GET IT DONE.