Let's Play...

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces began their quest for a sixth straight COTHL title this week in their usual fashion - slowly. Minutes before game time only a light dusting of players could be found in the room, with many regulars opting to give the opening night a miss in order to tend to more important matters, no doubt.

“But Scribe” I hear you ask “What could be more important than starting the new season off right, especially when a world record 6th straight championship is on the line?”

I know, Dear Reader, I hear you. How could anything take precedence over such a critical sporting event? Maybe we should check in with the missing Aces and see.

Simon - soccer injury. Fortunately all soccer injuries can be instantly cured by the application of a damp sponge, so Simon should be ready for game 2
Rod - was still celebrating last year’s big win as late as last week, so is recovering from alcohol poisoning
Mark - training with Gary Roberts to increase his chances of a last minute call-up to the Las Vegas Golden Showers (Golden Nights farm team)
Pete T - on tour with the SnuggleFucks, a children’s punk band specializing in play dates for children under 2 (and their hot moms)
Joe H - climbing K2 with the Sherpa Grrls. They aren’t Sherpas, they are an all-girl metal band from Katmandu. Average age: 16.1
Paul - on his way to Puerto Rico by bicycle, bringing much-need supplies of food and MAGA hats to desperate hurricane victims

One man who did make the extra effort is team owner, manager, and now goddam inspiration Aubrey S, recently recovered from hip surgery and because he liked it so much the first time, prepping for one more this week. His presence behind the bench (literally, behind the bench) was not enough to rally the troops however, and the Aces finished with a 5-3 loss to the Wyse Guys.

No problem though. The Aces know that getting out of the starting gate too quickly can lead to burnout. Better to play possum for now and save energy for the home stretch (aka, the final 2 games of the year) than to rush into things.

Score sheet: 2 for Ralph, 1 for Pete S.

Take Five

After winning an astounding 5th consecutive league championship, local ice hockey team the Black Aces put in a tepid showing at the traditional post-season awards show and pizza fest last week. Only a couple of Aces could apparently be arsed to show up this year, probably because they think they all that now they win a couple times.

Aces gave various  reasons for skipping the bash at Ferro.

Simon C was tied up in pre-production of the X-Men movie “AceMen: Hockey Apocalypse”, which he was tagged to direct after producers caught wind of his incredible performance in this year’s COTHL playoffs.

Mark L was busy hosting the Real Housewives of Toronto at his downtown penthouse condo. Rumour has it that he is negotiating a TV deal for his own reality show, tentatively titled “Mark Shags the Real Housewives of Toronto” and could not get away to attend the hockey party at Ferro.

Team puckstopper John M was overbooked, and (if my intel is correct) was leading a covert operation into ISIS territory, where a battalion of 72 virgins under his command were attempting to smash the terrorist bastards once and for all.

Team spirit animal Rod P was busy knitting team victory hats for everyone.

Nautical specialist Al H was interviewing cabin boys for his next off-season sailing adventure.

Bruce H: heli-skiing in the Rockies. With Team owner Paul F.

Pete S: “parent-teacher night” whatever that means.

Pete T: prepping for his audition as Neil Peart’s replacement in Rush.

Paul M: is getting ready to be the first man to race and win both the Tour of Flanders and Paris-Roubaix whilst towing a trailer full of hockey equipment. Good luck Paul!

Joe H: is in Mexico or something. Yeah, right.

Another amazing season, Aces. We now take our place beside such other sporting dynasties as:

• The 1956 - 1960 Montreal Canadiens
• F1 driver Michael Schumacher, who won 5 consecutive championships with Ferrari from 2000 to 2004
• the 1949 - 1953 New York Yankees
• Miguel Indurain, Tour de France winner 1991 - 1995. 

Next on the calendar: some well-deserved golf / training camp preparations. In the meantime here are the victory pics to remind everyone of just how awesome this team is:

flic.kr/s/aHskRAjuVm

Aces Prepare to Make History

They say history repeats itself, and local hockey team the Black Aces are hoping that’s true as they prepare for a history-making 5th straight championship in the venerable COTHL. After decisively downing a befuddled Battlers team 3-0 in the semi-finals, the blackshirts will face a surging Warriors squad in 2 weeks time. The coveted CO Cup is the prize, and the Aces are ready.

But are they ready enough? The only way to be sure is to implement a battle-tested pre-game readiness program in the fortnight leading up to the final game. Team tailor and sometime bench boss Rod P explains:

“This is the same regime that all the professional European football teams follow during the World Cup” said Rod after the semi-final win. “With one or two modifications.”

After pulling a half-full bottle of Slivovitz from somewhere inside his coat and enjoying a nice pull from it, he continued - 

“Rule number one: no sexual intercourse during the 2 weeks before the big game. Very important. This saps the primal energy from the root chakra, and leaves a man weak and unable to back check. So no nookie, snu-snu, or sweet sweet lovemaking with the wife or girlfriend, Aces. 

“However… I do have a short list of approved activities that should help the team stay focused and prepare for the final game. 

“It’s important to stay relaxed, so trips to the spa are encouraged. I recommend the Sugar Moon 24 Hour spa on the Danforth, in particular the Gentleman’s Special. Ask for Trish and mention my name.

“Getting your hair done is also a great idea. I recommend the Gentleman’s Brazilian at my favourite salon, Dewy Scrotum and Howe on Richmond Street. Ask for Vito and mention my name for a nice discount.

“To keep your energy up, coffee is allowed. I recommend the Gentleman’s Latte at Starf*cks, which is a little place in Parkdale that has always treated me right. Ask for Gina and mention my name for some extra foam.

“Us mature players have to pay extra attention to staying limber and flexible, so I want everyone to check out Foxxxy’s Hott Yoga Studio on Airport Road. The Gentleman’s Introductory class is worth your time, just ask for Moon and mention my name for a very special Downward Dog.

“Cars are important to us, and your car should look its best when you pull into Phil White on the 22nd. I recommend the Gentleman’s Wax & Wash at Lady Sudsalot Topless Car Wash at Kennedy and Eglinton. Ask for Julie and mention my name for some extra attention to the gear shift.

“And finally, gentlemen, why not curl up with a good book? I’m offering the Aces access to my personal collection of vintage Playboys. Just come on by and ask for Rod.”

Aces Allege Wiretap Scheme

In a statement some sources are calling ‘shocking’, ‘groundbreaking’ and ‘baffling’, local ice hockey team the Black Aces alleged this week that they had been the targets of a sustained wiretap operation from their COTHL rivals during the 2016-2017 regular season.

Team President Aubrey tweeted: “I'd bet a good lawyer could make a great case out of the fact that the Warriors were tapping our phones in October, just prior to Hallowe’en!”

Aces cybersecurity expert Mike K explains: “We know they did it. Those other teams are either sick or very bad men.” When pressed for evidence, Mr K would only say “Shut up! No, YOU’RE stupid!” and then held his breath until reporters backed away. 

Although the Aces could produce no evidence of a wiretap, your intrepid reporter has connections. Deep sources in the COTHL underground have in fact confirmed that the illegal wiretaps did take place, and have even provided the following transcript of a conversation between top officials from the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors as they played back one of the tapes. How did this transcript come to be? A wiretap, of course.

Voice 1: Ok, roll the tape. 

[sound of cheap tape recorder play button being pressed, followed by garbled and distorted conversation between 10-12 voices at once] 

Voice 1: What the heck are they talking about? Can anyone make this out? The sound quality is terrible.

Voice 2: We hid the microphone inside Goalie's pads, maybe that's why.

Voice 3: You mean John? 

Voice 2: No, Goalie. Who's John?

Voice 1: It sounded like someone said ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 3: No, I thought he said ‘forecheck Bill: go’. That makes more sense. 

Voice 1: I could swear I heard ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 2: Shut up! Listen to the tape! There’s no such thing as a forehead dildo.

[more jumbled voices mixed with the sound of laughter and opening beer cans]

Voice 2: Zamboni world? Zamboni swirl? Have they done something to the zamboni? We gotta check that out, boys. Have someone get down to Phil White and shake down that zamboni driver.

Voice 3: Now they’re speaking Italian… Carmelo… Amore… Fungi… it sounds like they’re involved with the mafia, you guys. They’re gonna know we bugged their room! We are so dead! I knew this was a bad idea. 

[sound of someone hyperventilating into a paper bag]

Voice 1: Shhh! Listen... Fernie... Big White... Bucerias... none of this makes any sense. Are you sure we bugged the right team? They're not even talking about hockey.

Voice 2: Hey, why is there an ear-shaped pinata hanging from the ceiling? Get me my stick.

[muffled crash]  

At this point our counter-wiretap recording goes dead. Also there will be an additonal $50 charger per player this year to cover the cost of a new spy microphone and an ear-shaped pinata. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces wrapped up a semi-successful season with a 4-2 win over the Battlers. Two goals for Joe 2Names, 1 each for Mark and Pete S.

The Playoff Drive Begins

Now that the warmest February on record is almost over, local hockey team the Black Aces are turning their collective attention to their annual gruelling playoff run. Temperatures over the last 10 days have been well above normal, ensuring less than acceptable conditions on ski hills within a 500km radius. This has freed up the Aces to devote the 78% of their brains normally reserved for skiing to thinking about other things. Like hockey.

"It's true" said team telemarketer Rich W "Now that the snow is gone I find myself thinking less about carving turns through pristine powder above the treeline and more about how we're going to get through this insane playoff drive."

The Aces improved their chances of going to the dance for a 5th consecutive year by eeking out a 4-3 win over a troublesome Warriors squad in their most recent game. A last-minute goal by Ralph (his 2nd of the game and 14th goal in the last 3) sealed the deal, with Pete S potting the other 2 Aces goals.

Other Aces are also getting mentally and physically prepped for the dash to the post-season, a COTHL ritual that sees only 4 teams make it through to the playoffs.

Team birdcaller Paul M has decided to go all-out this year to make sure he's in peak physical condition for the big show. "Not only am I riding my bike to games with my equipment towed behind me, I'll be towing the entire team's equipment as well" said Paul. "All week long, not just on game day. My family won't let me in the house because of the smell, but it's all worth it."

To ensure success if and when the team makes the post-season, team yodelling instructor Ralph R has initiated a strict diet for the rest of the season. "I only had 6 beers last night" said Ralph as he fidgeted with his hands "6! You want dedication, there you go. The playoffs can't come soon enough, y'ask me."

The rest of the team is following the general guidelines laid down in ancient times by a 31-year-old Aubrey, now the spiritual leader of the team and facing off-season surgery to replace every joint and muscle in his body. Written on sheepskin using the blood of a mastodon, the list is a simple "do more" versus "do less" affair, so that even beer league hockey players can understand it. Here it is:

Cedarvale Massacre

You there, Joe Trudeau. What is your question?

With mainstream media outlets in disarray due to the unprecedented attacks on them as ‘fake’ by US President Donald Trump and his White House staff, your intrepid Black Aces reporter was able to slip into last week’s press conference on the strength of nothing more than a red baseball cap and a Make America Great Again T-shirt. An excerpt of his exchange with the president, which somehow was not televised, is below.

Intrepid Aces Reporter

"Mr President are you aware of the terrible events of last night in Toronto Canada?"

Donald J Trump

(squints into the lights)

"Is that you Joe? I mean Mister Prime Minister? Tremendous to see you again."

IAR

"No Mr President, I’m a reporter with the Black - er, White Aces Network in Toronto Canada. Canadian media are not reporting on the Cedarvale Massacre, which definitely did occur last night in Toronto and is in no way a made up thing."

DJT

"Are all you Canadians so amazingly handsome? Isn't he handsome, ladies and gentlemen? Tremendous. No, handsome Canadian man, I was not aware of this. Spice!! "

A worried-looking Sean Spicer runs out to the podium and confers off-mic with the president. Trump nods sagely, juts his chin in a presidential manner.

DJT

"I’ve just been told that we have our best people on it already. We have the very best people, as you know, the very very best. Fine-tuned machine. But why don’t you give us some details for the benefit of the New York Times and those other fakey-fake news outlets back there behind you. Maybe they can learn something, but I doubt it."

IAR

"Mister President sir, details are sketchy but it appears that the Black Aces deliberately destroyed the Bloor Battlers, who were wearing their white away sweaters at the time, by a score of 5-2 at Cedarvale Arena. It’s being referred to as the Cedarvale Massacre, but the CBC and other mainstream liberal Canadian media are refusing to cover the story."

Trump pauses to consider this sentence, which appears to have taken him by surprise.

DJT

"What colour did you say these Aces were?"

IAR

"Black, sir. The Black Aces. Against battlers in white. 2 goals for Bruce, 2 for Ralph, and one for Rich. Officials tried to stop the slaughter by calling unwarranted penalties but in the end it was no use. The Black Shirts could not be turned aside."

DJT

"We must stop all immigration from Canada immediately until we know what’s going on. I’ll be signing a new executive order first thing in the morning. We have to do it, people, black aces are pouring over the border, invading our defensive zones and terrorizing our people.

No more questions, thank you."

этот человек безумен

Context: DONALD TRUMP’S ALTERNATIVE-REALITY PRESS CONFERENCE

Aces Post a Loss

Local hockey team the Black Aces enjoyed a less than stellar outing in their most recent game, another disappointing loss to a non-threatening Warriors squad. This time the blackshirts fell by a score of 2-1 in spite of seeing more than enough chances around (but not IN) the net.

How did they manage to not outscore the Warriors this time? If you look closely you will find a hidden clue somewhere on this page. Go ahead, I'll wait. And while you hunt for the clue I'll just go back to watching my second favourite Italian movie of all time (after I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore of course) Il Postino. Magnificent work, really.

Oh, are you back? Did you find the clue? That's right, they played like a bunch of pussies. Well done.

On a happier note, the fine people at Ferro kept the kitchen open and prepared some delicious pizzas for the Aces' post-game meal.

Onward. The playoffs loom, and we want to go into the post-season on a high note.

I hope you enjoyed this week's post.