Russian Federation Annexes Black Aces HC

In a development some political analysts are calling 'unexpected', the Russian Federation last week sent armed troops into midtown Toronto to secure the Black Aces Hockey Club, reigning champs of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League.

"Crimea Shmimea" said a laid back Vlad Putin after the surprise move "Ze Ukraine can wait until after the playoffs, when Aces secure glorious victory for Mother Russia."

When pressed for his plans for the little-known hockey club, Putin would not say outright that he sought to have the team moved to Russia, but did make a subtle reference to "a certain Malaysian aircraft" that may have been commandeered to relocate the Aces to Sochi. "We are not using that town any more" said Putin spokesperson Yuri Nidiotski "so will make nice headquarters for Aces hockey team. Many nice apartment there."

Until the final game can be played on March 19, the Aces have each been given a personal lady bodyguard to keep them in tip top shape. Women Russian bodyguards are now in short supply (due to most attractive Russian women now working as strippers) so the Aces' bodyguards all look like this:

Не шутите с Aces, сукин

If that doesn't inspire the team to greatness, nothing will.

For fans of the team wondering what the hell has been happening the past few weeks, here's a recap:

Feb 26: Wyse Guys 5, Aces 3.  A nothing game, and with ski season still in full swing most of the gusy were a little preoccupied. John played backup goal, too bad the team didn't play in front of him. 2 goals for Pete, 1 for Mark.
March 5: Semi final game! Aces 4, Warriors 2. A disputed goal almost ruined the night for the blackshirts, but they did prevail in the end. Single goals went to Jeff, Rod, Pete and Mark. Kevin was back in net and held the fort when it looked like the Warriors were mounting a comeback.
Last week: March break. A snowstorm. A shinny game for those who braved the snow.

And now here we are.

Candidates for 2014-2015 Aces Coaching Job Line Up Early

As the 2013-2014 COTHL regular season nears the end, there are already 4 hopefuls vying for the position of Black Aces HC coach for next year. Now that the olympics are done, this is considered the most prestigious coaching job available, so it's no surprise that there is some interest being shown this early.

Here are your potential bench bosses for the upcoming campaign:

Rob Ford

Anything else?

Plus: may be available next fall
Minus: may be in jail next fall
Plus: will bring the beer every week
Minus: will bring the crack every week
Quote:
"Have I coached hockey before? Yes, approximately one year ago, probably in one of my drunken stupors."

John Tory

Hi, I'm John T-zzzzzzzzzzzz

Plus: not a crackhead, as far as we know
Minus: knows nothing about hockey
Quote:
"Well I'm seriously thinking about whether or not I might consider pondering a possible run at the coaching job. I'll let you know. Probably."

David Soknacki

Add caption

Plus: no priors
Minus: unspellable surname
Quote:
"I'm just like Rob Ford but without the crack, so this is a perfect gig for me. Crack is bad for hockey performance, unlike meth, which I am in favour of."

Karen Stintz

Nobody told me about the smell!

Plus: can commandeer TTC vehicles for post-game trip to Ferro's
Minus: wants all Aces to wear figure skates
Plus: likes older men
Minus: wants to redesign the team crest, something in taupe.
Quote:
"I've worked with Rob Ford, so how bad can this job be?"


In actual hockey news, the Aces continue to roll through the COTHL. Last week's game was a 3-2 victory over the Battlers with John from the Warriors in net. Rod sniped a pair and linemate Mark chipped in with another as a lean Aces machine shut down an overstaffed Battlers squad. Again.

Write your own Black Aces blog post

Due to the recent absence of long-time Aces reporter and blogmaster, the team is now offering players and fans the opportunity to write their own fully customizable blog posts.

Simply choose from the available options to create a game report that accurately reflects the results of the most recent Aces

• game
• win
• pleasure skate
• pizza order

See how easy it is? Now you go:

---

Black Aces 

• WIN!!

• Crush it again

• Rule!

In the latest in a long line of

• epic victories 
• stunning upsets 
• unexpected wins 
• beer-fueled slugfests 

local hockey team the Black Aces

• pulled off 
• squeaked out 
• cruised to 
• laid down 

 a

• thorough drubbing 
• last-minute win 
• total domination 
• mild scolding 

of their COTHL rivals the

• Warriors 
• Wyse Guys 
• Bloor Battlers 
• referees 

As has been the case all season long, the Aces defence corps held off the enemy through

• determination and grit 
• brilliant strategy 
• pure talent 
• blinding good looks 

while the forwards

• worked their magic 
• put on a clinic 
• filled the opposing net 
• took the night off 

 Opposition players were once again left

• scratching their heads 
• holding their d*cks 
• demanding a urine test 
• demanding to see birth certificates 

as they have been all season.

Playoffs begin soon, and Aces fans, aka

• current players 
• former players 
• Pete’s son 
• the zamboni driver 

are/is pulling for a repeat of 2012-2013, when the team took it’s rightful place atop the COTHL.

---

Now simply fax your game report to Aces' technology consultant Simon C, and he will send out a telex to everyone in his rolodex.

Also, most recent games:
Feb 12: Aces 3, Warriors 2
Feb 5: cancelled due to snow and lack of interest
Jan 29: Aces 5, Battlers 3

Hockey Canada Announces New Olympic Lineup

After releasing the final lineup for Canada's olympic men's ice hockey team last week, Hockey Canada is reported to be making some last minute changes after the Black Aces' latest COTHL win.

The Aces 6-0 win over the Warriors was so convincing, such an utterly ass-kickingly jaw-droppingly shut-the-F-up-edly work of art that coach Mike Babcock has decided to send the Aces to Sochi instead of the original hand-picked collection of NHL superstars.

"I happened to catch the game on ESPN-22, and what I saw convinced me that the best hope for our nation at the Olympics rests not with Sydney Crosby and a bunch of elite professional athletes, but with the Black Aces Hockey Club. They were a revelation." said Babcock last week. "Also, I've been having these really weird headaches lately. And blacking out a lot too. But I'm pretty sure I saw the best hockey team I've ever seen. They wear the black sweaters, right?"

Hockey Canada officials are not commenting publicly about the surprise changes, except to say they are reviewing the game tapes from the Aces latest win and expect to make a statement soon.

When told of the unexpected development, Aces team Chaplain Ralph R took the news in stride. "After winning the motherf***ing COTHL championship last year, a lot of f***ing people thought we had nowhere to go but down. But I knew we could top that sh*t. And now look, we're off to the goddam olympics. Suck on that, haters."

Other Aces players were a little less cocksure than Ralph.

Pete - "Where is Sushi, anyway?"
Rod - "I'm bringing my own vodka, just in case. Remember what happened in '72 with the steaks"
Paul - "If I can't ride across the border I don't want to go"
Joe H - "They have palm trees there, so count me in"
Paul F - "If I bring my own sweater can I go too?"
Mark - "If I go can I have a sweater?"

Box scores from the epic 6-0 win:

Mark - 3 goals
Pete - 1 goal
Rich - 1 goal
Mike - 1 goal
Kevin - shutout!

I don't yet know how, Crosby, but I swear to you, one day
I will crush your olympic dreams. I promise.

Mark 5, Other Aces 2, Wyse Guys 3

Fellow Black Aces - After our latest game I somehow received the following cryptic email, which appears to have been destined for someone else on the team and sent by a mysterious "J" on a beach somewhere. This was a day after the Aces put a 7-3 hurt on the Wyse Guys, with a 5 goal performance from Mark. That brings his yearly total to something like 50 goals now, more than the rest of the team combined. This in spite of not having an official Aces jersey on his back. The other 2 came from Pete (also jersey-less!) and Rich, with some solid goaltending on the back end from Kevin, yet another of the not-quite-black-Aces. 

You would think management would be pulling out all the stops to get proper jerseys for our new players, given the outstanding contributions made by all of them - Mark, Kevin, Paul, and from last year Rod and Pete. After reading this email you might think something else. 

You be the judge.

To: A 
From: J
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

A - GOT YOUR EMAIL ABOUT THE LATEST GAME, GOOD TO SEE THE TEAM IS BACK ON TRACK. I'D HATE TO HAVE TO STOP YOUR SPECIAL SHIPMENTS DUE TO THE POOR PLAY OF THE ACES. YOU KNOW OUR AGREEMENT. THE TEAM KEEPS WINNING,I KEEP WINNING MY TOTALLY LEGIT MEXICAN-CANADIAN HOCKEY POOL, AND FEDEX KEEPS BRINGING YOU PACKAGES OF THOSE USED CHAMBERMAID'S UNIFORMS YOU LIKE SO MUCH. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM, OK? 

ONE THING - THIS MARK GUY WE SIGNED THIS YEAR, I KNOW HE WANTS A TEAM JERSEY BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES CAN WE GIVE HIM ONE. HE'S SCORING LIKE A MADMAN BECAUSE HE'S HUNGRY. GIVE HIM A JERSEY AND WE TAKE AWAY THE CARROT, THE MOTIVATION. COMPRENDE? TELL HIM IT'S ON THE WAY, TELL HIM IT'S AT THE CLEANERS, TELL HIM WHATEVER YOU LIKE BUT DON'T GIVE HIM A JERSEY UNLESS HE STOPS SCORING. 

SAME GOES FOR THOSE OTHER GUYS, PAUL AND PETE AND ROD AND KEVIN. IF IT AIN'T BROKE DON'T FIX IT, AMIRIGHT? NEW HOCKEY JERSEYS DON'T GROW ON TREES. OR CACTII.

JUST KEEP THE TEAM WINNING, AMIGO. YOUR NEXT SHIPMENT IS ON THE WAY. 

SURF'S UP, GOTTA GO.

J.

Aces Hobble into 2014

After a great start to the season, local hockey team the Black Aces have hit a bit of a rough patch over the last 3 games. Some decidedly uninspired play may even have resulted in the team scribe being unable to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), leaving tens of hockey fans without their weekly Aces update.

The details of said games are best left to fade into the mists of time, so instead of a full report we present to you know a series of haiku poems whose brevity should serve to shield readers from the full NSFW account of each game.

January 8: Warriors 5, Aces 4

three flukey White goals
a come from ahead effort
afterwards, no beer

December 18: Wyse Guys 9, Aces 4

goalie arrives late
all Wyse Guys shots find the net
are the Aces drunk?


December 11: Aces 3 Battlers 3

the scribe was missing
so cannot verify the score
but one point is good

I feel great shame

Aces Recruit Darwin

Ex or Blue, sir?

In a surprise move this past week, local hockey team the Black Aces of Aubreytown have signed former IKEA monkey and parking lot fugitive Darwin the macaque to a one year deal.

Sources close to the Aces say that the deal involves no cash, but does include unlimited bananas and a new custom-tailored shearling jacket for the tiny simian. In return, Darwin will live with the player responsible for providing the post-game refreshments each week and will in be charge of handing out the drinks after the game.

Darwin currently resides at the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary, where he has been reportedly training hard for his new role with the Aces. Black Aces head of player development Rich W is said to be excited about the new addition to the team. "He can't skate and he's only 18 inches tall, but I'm tired of having to reach for a beer after each and every game. Darwin will make an immediate contribution in this area."

Rich is also rumoured to be scouting several other new recruits for the team, including Mickey the Marmoset (great hands around the net), Rosie the Lemur (PK specialist) and a baboon named Pierre (enforcer, known for flinging his own feces into the opposing team's bench).

In non-monkey news, the Aces dominated the Warriors in their most recent COTHL game, handing the white shirts a 6-1 spanking. Guest goalkeeper Aubrey the Brave put the Warriors at ease early, allowing them to score on their first shot of the game, but shut the door after that until the Aces finally decided to get in the game. Another 4 goal game for Mark means that the elusive team jersey is one step closer to reality, with singles added by Paul and Rich putting the final touches on what turned out to be a pretty one-sided affair.

Late game this week. Rich has the monkey.