Hockey players, never known for their intelligence, are an easily confused species. They are driven by rules and must at all times know where they stand, both on the ice and off. A recent incident involving local COTHL team the Black Aces is an excellent example of how little it takes to confuse and befuddle the average hockey player.
It is customary for one player to provide
beer refreshments for the team at each game, with the assignment going to a different player each week. There is no list or complex algorithm to calculate the exact order in which players are responsible for bringing the team cooler full of sweet sweet
beer gatorade. No tests of strength or manliness, no game of rock-paper-scissors, no drawing of straws. It's very informal. After each game someone will spontaneously ask "Who's got the
beer lemonade for next week?" And after a confused pause, someone will eventually volunteer to bring the cooler and its strictly non-alcoholic contents to the next game.
Sometimes things do go awry. In the worst case scenario the bringer of the
beer Kool-aid does not make it to the rink, and the team must endure a 'dry' post-game review of the evening's events. This is very sad, and the non-bringer of the
beer popsicles undoubtedly feels a sudden burning rush of guilt mixed with fear as his teammates all envision his grisly yet totally justified death by bear-mauling.
In the second-worst case scenario, too many Aces show up to play and the supply of
beer spring water runs out before everyone can slake their thirst. This is also very sad, and the bringer of the
beer Perrier must endure the disapproval of his teammates, who all now know that either a) he can't count, or more likely b) he's a cheap
cunt skate.
The third-worst scenario happened on November 13, when not one but two Aces brought
beer iced tea to the game. You may think this would be a good thing, and that having extra
beer soda after the game would be greeted with shouts of joy and high-fives all around. You would be wrong - go back and read the first paragraph, the one about hockey players being easily confused and requiring order at all times.
Instead of providing a boost to the Aces' performance, the thought of all those additional
beers smoothies waiting in the dressing room only distracted the team. Pucks were shot wide, passes went astray, and the end result was a 3-1 loss to the Warriors and the end of the longest undefeated streak in team history.
This was very sad, as you can imagine. It was a very sad bunch of Aces hockey players after the game who had to sadly, very sadly, drink the extra
beer juiceboxes to ensure that this sort of tragedy never happens again.
