Jon Bon Jovi Wants to Buy the Aces and Move Them to Buffalo

I'm turning into John fucking Cougar

Sources close to this reporter have confirmed that New Jersey 'rocker' and entrepreneur is close to a deal that would have him become majority owner of local hockey team the Black Aces. Bon Jovi is also trying to ink a deal to purchase the Buffalo Bills NFL franchise and move it to Toronto, a move that has upset some Bills' fans in the Queen City.

The deal for the Aces may be designed to offset the loss of the Bills to a city already reeling from high unemployment, too much snow, and the continued presence of the Buffalo Sabres. Aces' president and expert towel-folder Aubrey S is refusing to disclose the amount of the offer from Mr. Bon Jovi, but inside sources (actually team sponsor Joe P) say it's in the high 3 figures.

Some Aces have already made plans for the money, saying it should go toward providing after-game beers with names that are easier to pronounce, and, as team defender and film critic Simon C put it, "not from Czechoslofuckingvakia or something. Can't we just get back to good honest one-syllable Canadian beer? Come on, let's have some Ex, Blue, Bud, or Keiths. Last game someone asked me if I wanted a Tmavý Vánoční. I thought he was offering me a Russian hand job so I punched him in the face. I'm a married man."

The rumours surrounding the club don't seem to be affecting anyone's performance. A fast paced game against the Battlers on November 20 saw the Aces nearly edge past the blue shirts but for a late tying goal. Winger and team ferret walker Ralph R did his best Steven Stamkos impersonation, burying an off-wing shot from in close, and team ventriloquist and newcomer Mark L (almost finished probation, buddy, just a couple more multi-goal games and you get a sweater) bagged another pair to round out the scoring. The game ended in a 3-3 tie, which should be enough to keep the Aces on top of the COTHL for another week.

Special note to any alumni still reading this blog: return your sweater! If you still have an official Aces jersey and you're not on the team any more... bring it back. You know who you are.

Welcome Aces!