Aces HC Now Taking Applications for Head Coaching Role

Pull my finger, ref.

With the possible impending departure of their beloved and wise CSO (Chief Strategy Officer) Rich W, local hockey team the Black Aces have been putting some feelers out into the community in an effort to recruit some new bench brains. The team is off to a great start for the 2014-2015 season, but things sometimes have a way of going off the rails when you least expect it, so the search for the next chalk talker is on.

Your humble scribe has been granted permission to share with you, dear reader(s), a sampling of some of the ‘top of the pile’ applications submitted so far.

Like this beauty:

Dear Black Aces HC,
Please accept this as my application for the position of head coach of your shitty little hockey club. Sure I already run a multi-million dollar company that I started from nothing after my dad handed it to me, but I bet you guys are all pretty ignorant, and you need a smart guy like me behind the bench to tell you what to do.

I don’t drink, so no more beer after the game for anyone. That’s over. If you need any quality hash though, I got it covered. Black, blonde, leb, whatever you want. It’s the good shit too. My other strengths include:

• shouting
• lying
• arranging beat downs (lookin at you, refs)
• creepy stares 
• more lying
• even more lying

So when do I start? 

D. Ford

And this one from another Toronto celebrity:

Hello,
Last night as I rummaged through some delicious green bin delights in a driveway in the Annex, I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming sense of my own mortality. I mean, what is the purpose of life? Is it to sleep all day in a tree, then skulk about in the dark - eating garbage, breaking into attics and pooping on random decks and shed roofs? Maybe. Maybe. But just in case it is not, I wish to apply for the position of head coach of the Black Aces. I have a lot of valuable qualities I can bring to the team, and I can teach the players some killer moves that will completely take the other teams by surprise. Things like:

• sleeping all day in a tree
• skulking (in the dark, mainly)
• green bin security countermeasures
• advanced deck & rooftop pooping techniques

None of these will in the least way help the team at hockey, but I think you already have that part figured out so come on, take a chance on a small and strangely articulate urban mammal as your next head coach.

A. Raccoon

Here's one from a little farther up the food chain.

Aces,

As your new leader I promise to provide a strong, steady hand behind the bench and to lead the team forward into a glorious future. A future where the Aces are respected around the league, around the city, and around the world. As an energy superpower, Canada has earned the right to be revered by all the countries of the world, and I feel the time has come to bring the might of the Black Aces to bear on those nations that require a certain, shall we say... education.  

As a certain great leader once said, “Es ist unser Wille, dass dieses Team der Männer wird durch die kommenden Jahrtausenden zu ertragen.”

S. Harper

Wow. Powerful stuff, no? There are many more applications, this is but a small selection of the total.

While management mulls over the options and works towards a decision, the Aces themselves continue to roll. Game Two of the 2014-2015 season saw the team take on the Warriors and come away with a 5-0 victory.

Kevin recorded the first of many shutouts, Mark marked 3 markers for the hattie, and Joe D and Pete each chipped in with a goal.

Nice work, guys. Next up: Bloor Battlers.