Tom Hortons introduces new coffee to honour Aces HC

Iconic Canadian coffee and donut chain Tom Horton’s has just announced the introduction of a new flavour of coffee, their second this year. Coming just months after the chain started offering a ‘dark roast’ in addition to its regular brew, the new java brand is being described by Horton’s as “really f***ing dark. Like, seriously dark. Black even.”

At a press conference held to announce the new offering, Horton’s new spokesperson William Shatner elaborated on the reasons for the unexpected addition to the company’s coffee menu.

Black. As. Space. The - final frontier.

“Let’s not beat around the bush - everyone knows Horton's regular coffee is crap,” said Shatner. “Even their so-called dark roast is really just the same warm brown watery cup of sweet mediocrity as the original brew, it just comes in a darker cup.

“Our focus group testing told us that what we really needed was a cup of real coffee, something that would not only compete with the other guys but totally destroy them, darkness-wise. Just like I destroyed the Gorn in episode 18 of the original Star Trek series.  The Horton's brewmasters rose to the challenge and created a roast so dark, so strong, and so heavy that not even light itself could escape.

“It is the black hole of coffee. The - singularity of caffeinated beverages. When it came time to name this most potent brew, there was only once choice. Only the most high-powered, kick-ass, seriously awesome group of black-shirted bastards were worthy of the honour. I’m talking of course about the Black Aces HC.”

Shatner then opened a small black metal case that had been on a table beside him. The heavy latches snapped open with a ‘thunk’ and it seemed that the air in the room became suddenly darker, heavier, and more ominous. Sounds were muffled and indeed light seemed to disappear into the open case in an unnatural way. Reaching into the case with both hands he lifted out a black cup about half the size of the smallest cup currently on offer at the local Tom Hortons.

“This, friends, is the new Black Aces Black Awesome Brew. Served black and only black - we will allow no milk products or sugar to be added, ever - in a carbon fibre cup. 4 ounces of potent blackness, no more. No more is required.”

“How much will it cost?” asked a reporter from a major daily.

“How. Dare. You. Even. Ask. About the cost. That is irrelevant, and I will not have the mighty name of the Black Aces diminished by such an impertinent question. It costs what it is worth. And you. Will. Buy. It.

“No further questions. Wait, one more. You there in the back."

"Yes, what happened in last week's Aces game?"

"A victory of course. Aces 2, Wyse Guys 1. Goals by Ralph and someone named 'Ren', apparently. A close game for most of the way, but in the end the Aces did triumph. Again."