Aces Apply Themselves

Are you kidding me?

With the team going through a bit of a rough patch lately, Black Aces executives and past administrators have been trying to find a new home for the team. No luck yet, but here are the replies to a few of the recent attempts that were made to find a way to get some Ws under the team belt and get everyone’s mojo back.

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Men’s Over 70 division of the Central Toronto Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on age requirements. No one under the age of 70 is permitted in this division.

We thank you for your kind offer of “20 minutes alone with Zamboni Girl or a player of your choice” but frankly this is making us just a little uncomfortable. We are going to have to decline at this time. 

Perhaps when your players have all attained the required minimum age we can revisit your application.

Best regards,

Jack McDonald

CTOHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Ok, so that one didn't go so well. Here's another:

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Over 40 division of the Central Toronto Women’s Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on gender requirements. No one who is not actually a woman is permitted in this division and I’m afraid a team of all men does not qualify no matter how some of them may ‘identify’. Your offer to fill out the team with “a couple of broads” is something I would prefer not to comment on at this time.

Best of luck finding a home for your hockey club. Please do not contact us again.

Jane Manly

CTWHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Jeez, women. Amirite? Next: 

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Minor Atom division of the East York Minor Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having I’m afraid there must have been a mixup, since as you may be aware the EYMHA does not have an adult division. The Minor Atom division is actually for 13 year old players, not players with 13 year old equipment as stated in your application.

Perhaps some of your team may have children or even grandchildren that would be the appropriate age? 

Thanks again and all the best. 

Hugo Dirtwhirler

EYMHA President and COO

Ouch. Ok, let's see another one.

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Senior division of the Canadian National Institute for the Blind Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on vision requirements. No player may have more than 10% vision, and if I understand your application correctly then the Aces do not qualify no matter how poorly they are ‘seeing the ice’ this year.

Good luck. It sounds like you need some.

Dorothy Diggler for

Richard Richardson,CEO CNIBHA

Could have seen that one coming, to be honest. Ok, last one:

Dear Sirs, 

Merry Christmas! And thank you for writing to Santa! Normally Santa gets all kinds of letters from boys and girls around the world asking for presents, so Santa was a bit surprised to find an application to enter the 250th annual Elfs Invitational Hockey Tournament from the Black Aces. 

Your application was very interesting, and even though Santa doesn’t like to see any boys or girls not having a good season, the Elfs tourney does have some strict rules about, you know, being an elf. Do you have any elves on your hockey team? I didn’t think so.

Santa is a very busy man, especially at this time of year. Maybe the next time you think about writing with a crazy idea like entering your hockey team into an ‘elves only’ tournament you’ll think twice before going through with it.

Enjoy your lump of coal this Christmas.

Santa F. Claus

King of the North Pole

I think the lesson here is 'do not fuck with Santa'. 

Looks like we are stuck in the COTHL for the time being, Aces. Let's make sure we get off to a great start in 2019. 

The cup belongs to US.

Aces Continue Domination of Bottom Half of COTHL

Like the Tallest Mountain in Florida, the Black Aces continue to dominate the bottom half of the COTHL in 2018.

Still finding momentum from their thrilling second place finish in last season's playoffs, the now Aubrey and Rich -less Aces have settled into a mid-season groove. Middle of the year, middle of the pack. That's just how these middle-aged blackshirts roll.

"Sure Blue and Red have made some acquisitions and gotten younger and faster" said Aces Victrola Repair Man Pete D "but eventually they'll be just as old as we are, and then we'll see who's best." Team mathematician Pete S was not available for comment.

"As long as the Warriors continue to self-destruct, we'll be fine." added team 8-Track Stereo Technician and defender Mike M "and that's not all that bad."

Not all the Aces are so happy with the situation, however. As a final contribution to the team before heading off to his new life of skiing and beach lounging, Rich W engaged a professional HR specialist to recruit some new legs for the team. "Results haven't been as good as I expected so far" said Rich after the Aces' recent 5-0 victory over (who else) the Warriors. "The company is called BroLine and their ad promised me I could find some studs, but none of the guys they've sent me so far can even skate and none of them were wearing shirts for their interview. Weird. I think I found someone though - maybe not so good in the room but great on the ice."

Almost made the team. Wrong sport.

Poor language skills. Nope.

Too 2-dimensional. Next.

We're talking with his agent as we speak.

Aces D Man Called Up by the Leafs

Who is that guy up in the greens?

In their most recent COTHL outing, the Black Aces were without long-time D Man and scribe Jeff M as he was busy attempting to crack the lineup of the Toronto Maple Leafs. A detailed account of the attempt in the form of diary entries and texts sent to the Leafs staff is herewith provided for your edification and amusement.

* * *

6:45pm – met with friend and Leaf fan Maurice G at C’est What for carb-loading and pre-hydration. Changed into full equipment in the men’s room before heading out for the Scotiabank Arena.

7:25pm – got into a scuffle with rink security as they would not let me bring in my sticks. After a heated discussion and threats of violence they agreed to place my sticks on the Leaf bench for later. I’m not sure they believed that I had a legit tryout with the team, to be honest.

7:30pm – Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Yo, Mike! Jeff here, I’m ready to rock. Pre-game warmup completed. I’m in section 323, so if you need me to take a shift I need about 8 minutes lead time to get down to the bench. Say hi to Austin for me.

7:32pm Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hola Mike - just a reminder that you haven’t signed Willie Nylander yet and I’m asking for a lot less than he is. For the first year anway. Go Leafs!

1st period

16:23 – Austin Matthews sets up John Tavares. 1-0 Leafs. That didn't take long.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hi Mike! Sweet setup by AM on that one. Nice finish by JT but I bet I could have put that one in too. Just sayin’. Still ready to go when you need me. Got the helmet on and everything. GO LEAFS GO!!

7:50pm – beer sure is expensive here at the Scotiabank Arena. Also, it’s pretty tough to drink through my cage, I’ve spilled about half of the 2 beers I’ve had so far. I better pick up the pace, I could get the call from the coach at any minute.

12:22 – San Jose ties it up. Leafs D look pretty weak, tbh.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Babs, WTF? Who taught Hainsey how to block a shot? Even I know you don’t turn your back on the shooter like that. I think maybe he needs to sit a shift or two, know what I mean? #totallyreadytoplay

16.3 seconds left in the first period – Amazing goal, Mitch breaks a stick and grabs one off the bench on the fly, rejoins the rush and sets up JT for his second. 2-1 Leafs. I’m way into my fourth brewski. This game is costing me a fortune but it will be worth it when I sign a sweet deal with the team.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hey Babcock, I’m pretty sure Marner grabbed one of MY STICKS off the bench to set up that goal. That's an assist. I’d better see my name on the game sheet, pal. #stillreadytoplay

2nd Period

18:07 Patrick Marleau roofs one to put the Leafs up 4-1. Mike Babcock has started blocking my texts. I’ll have to switch to Twitter and just @ him from now on.

I wonder how the Aces are doing.

15:42 – San Jose make it 4-2. Again with that Hainsey character.

Tweet - @mdbabs HEY BABCOCK WHY YOU PLAYING THAT BUM HAINSEY? I’M RIGHT HERE, MAN. SECITON 323 FFS. #PUTMEINCOACH #GOLEAFSGO #RONHAINSEYISADOUCHE

Reply from @mdbabs:

Dude I am NOT the Leafs coach. It says so right on my profile, ffs. Stop tweeting at me.

3rd Period

9:02 – Austin Matthews again. Damn that guy is good. 5-2 Leafs.

Tweet – hey @mdbabs, why are you avoiding me? I can see you from here in section 323 ya know. It would be so easy to throw this beer right at your big fat leafs coach head!!!!! #GOSHARKSGO

Hey the Sharks bag one. 5-3 Leafs now.

Tweet – HA HA LEAFS. Sharks are gonna come back and WIN because @mdbabs is a big poopyhead and Hainsey SUCKS and if I was on the ice it was gon be sljkoirn covfefe bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Long Time Aces Player Retires to Spend More Time With Family

Beloved long-time Aces veteran Rich W. has announced his retirement from the team. Citing a desire to 'spend more time with family', Rich has decided to hang up the blades for now.

"I loved playing for this team" he said via phone link from the family compound in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. "But family comes first."

Family massage therapist Maria del Felacion insisted that the big man's presence was needed at the compound. "We have to practice our technique on a regular basis, or we risk to lose our massaging license. Senor Ricardo - I mean Uncle Rich - has graciously agreed to help us."

Gracias Senor Ricardo!

Family bartender Selma Gonsolvez was also full of praise for the Canadian hockey legend. "At great cost to himself has Senor Ricardo - I mean Uncle Rich - given his time and personal expertise to us here at Saloon Cabo. Without his expert advice our drink mixing skills would soon desert us and we would have to join the caravan to America."

Important research is being done

Family golf pro Eliza Golfista told your scribe that Rich's assistance on the links was of vital importance to the continued operation of Club Campestre, the family-owned course in Cabo. "It is of great importance for us to have the input and wise advice of a man such as Senor Ricardo - sorry, Uncle Rich" - said Golfista. "We rely on his experience tremendously. He is so unselfish, sometimes he even plays 36 holes in a single day just to be sure that the course is perfect. He is truly a great man."

Uncle Rich is muy importante

The Aces are already missing Senor Ricardo, although maybe not that much since they spanked the Warriors again in their most recent game by a score of 4 or possibly 5 to nothing. Goals courtesy of Pete S, Al, Martin and 3 Pete.

This is definitely the end of an era, however, and Vegas oddsmakers are already revising their lines on the Aces' playoff success, citing a projected lack of game-day chalk-talking to fire up the troops and remind them of their assignments.

Aces Forward Joins Migrant Caravan, Misses Game

The sky man he will fly us to America

As local hockey team the Black Aces continue to struggle in the 2018-2019 season, at least one Ace has an excuse for not showing up at the team's most recent game.

Aces' kite surfing enthusiast Joe P. was reportedly seen inside the migrant caravan now making its way from Honduras to the US border.

"I caught a pretty big wave and then a really big wind gust." said Joe, via satellite phone. Mr. P. was at a kite surfing competion in Baja Mexico last week when he was unexpectedly transported 2,000 kilometers to the southern border with Guatemala. "I've been blown ashore many times in the past, but this is ridiculous" reported Joe as he hoisted his kite onto a donkey cart driven by Hector Gonsolvez of La Ceiba Honduras. "We worship the sky man as our god now" mumbled Hector, in surprising good English. "He will help us to fly to America, and maybe to Canada to see these Black Aces."

Side note: Aces fans may remember that time the team were featured on Mexican cable television back in 2013.

Ironically, Joe was within meters of winning the kite surfing competition but was disqualified for exiting the official competition zone. "He looked fantastic, but those are the rules." reported Mexican surf judge Hector Gonsolvez of Playa Encanto. "Close, but no cigarillo, amigo."

The Aces too came close in their most recent game, falling 5-2 to the Battlers in what was actually a good performance from the team. An empty net goal and a couple of weird bounces put the game out of reach in spite of a solid game from just about everyone in a black sweater.

The Aces were missing a 2 Petes, 2 Joes (see above) and a Simon for this game.

As the saying goes, close but no cigarillo.

Later, amigos.

Aces make the most of additional bench space

Bench strength comes in many forms

In their most recent COTHL contest, local hockey team the Black Aces came up a little short in the personnel count but managed to make creative use of the additional space on the bench.

Normally packed with black-shirted manly men, the team bench this week had ample room for the players to really push the envelope on space utilization in an urban sporting context.

• Scribe Jeff M, in honour of the absent winger and cycling addict Paul M, managed to build an entire separated bike lane running the length of the bench. In true Toronto fashion the lane ended abruptly, forcing players and cyclists to merge suddenly and unsafely with on-ice traffic.
• Al H found a nice corner over by the sticks to winterize his sailboat and break in a new cabin boy.
• Ralph R set up an Octoberfest-themed beer hall, complete with Teutonic wenches in push-up bras serving plates of schnitzel and giant mugs of German lagers. Well done Ralph.
• Between shifts, Pete T conducted a drum clinic for inner city youth. On a related note, if anyone has seen Pete's rare Ludwig snare drum please contact him immediately.
• Call-up Mike organized a pot luck get together for the team, in order to introduce himself to his teammates. The guacamole was a huge hit, according to my sources.
• Rod P was unable to attend, but did send a strip-a-gram for the lads. Dawn Cherry performed a 45 minute burlesque / kabuki piece re-enacting the tragic Japanese Fukushima earthquake of 2011 until she was interrupted by a drunk (and possibly stoned) Zamboni Girl. Wearing a Mexican wrestling costume with “el Zambo” embroidered on the chest, ZG stormed the bench and wrestled Miss Cherry to the ground before the refs were called in to intervene. Each gal got a 4 minute penalty for slew-footing and a 10 minute lecture from Donny on the history of tripping infractions.
• Pete D (aka 3Pete) was somehow able to run a poker game in his area of the bench, taking a nice sum of $458 from 3 Wyse Guys players. Pete has kindly offered to donate the proceeds to the Aces Benevolent Fund. Thanks, Pete.

Aces players are reminded to submit their Bench Activity Request Forms no later than 48 hours before next week’s game.

Final score in this contest was 5-1 Red, due mainly to the SHORT BENCH. AHEM.

Aces Honour Former Leader With Victory, Hat-Trick, Pete-Trick

Someone has a new right hand man...

This year, your favourite ice hockey club had to bid farewell to founder and long-time spiritual mentor and inspiration Aubrey S. No longer an active player, Aubrey is now watching over the team from afar and this is apparently having a positive effect.

In their most recent outing the Aces put together a solid team effort, dominating the Warriors in all departments and skating away with a 9-3 victory.

Team Kite Surfing Specialist Joe P has decided to compress his entire year's goal quota into 2 games, as he is scheduled to fly to Mexico next week. A 3 goal outburst this week gets added to a single from last week as Joe shows who has the hot hand on the team so far this year.

"I did it all for Aubrey" said Joe after the game, fighting back his emotions. "He has been an inspiration to me throughout my Aces career. God bless that man."

Team Snake Wrangler Ralph R also bagged a pair to add to Joe's hat trick, and also attributed his outstanding performance to his former teammate. "Every time I get near the net now, I see Aubrey's face and I just fire the puck as hard as I can." noted Ralph, definitely not drinking a beer in the dressing room after the game. "It's like some kind of miracle."

In another possibly miraculous turn of events, all three Petes (Pete S, Pete T and newcomer Pete D, or '3Pete') also scored goals this night in what shall henceforth be referred to as a "Pete-Trick".

"I felt Aubrey's hands on my stick tonight" said team Exobiologist Pete S "And I mean that in a totally platonic, sports-related way. Then, once he let go, I scored a goal. I don't know how else to explain it."

Defenceman and team rhythmic gymnast Pete T also apparently had some kind of supernatural experience, saying afterwards that he could "feel a divine presence on the ice" with him as he inexplicably found himself in front of the Warriors' net, far from his actual position on the blue line. "I closed my eyes and thought of Aub, and the puck went in. Praise be to Aub."

When asked about his contribution to the Pete-Trick, 3Pete confirmed the other Petes' reports of some kind of holy event. "Being a strict empiricist in the classical sense and big fan of David Hume, I've never been much of a believer in 'unexplained' phenomena... until now. I felt a sense of destiny as I got close to the net like I've never felt before, as if a greater power were directing me. My life has purpose now. All hail the mighty Aub."

For those wishing to take part, there will be a short prayer service and animal sacrifice in the dressing room before the Aces' next game. Apostates and Aub-less Heathens stay away lest ye be smote unto dust by his holiness. Amen.