I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore

Film Development Proposal - Telefilm Canada

Ti amo Maria, ma il mio cuore è per le assi

To: Vaness Manco, Ontario region application officer
From: Enrico Wardoni, Assi Neri Produzioni

Ciao Vanessa,

Please accept the attached documentation as our application for Telefilm Canada Canadian Media Fund development funds for for our new Canadian-Italian co-production “I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore”.

This project will be a short pseudo-documentary film shot in the style of Michelangelo Antonioni, the great Italian filmmaker of the 1960s. Think L’Avventura on ice - people (in this case, local Toronto hockey team the Black Aces) search for… what? Love? Victory? Some meaning to their lives? The answer is never revealed. Our documentary crew follows the Aces as they struggle to prevail in the ultra-competitive COTHL. Stark black and white photography emphasizes the blackness of their quest, while paradoxically revealing the non-binary nature of reality itself.

While presented in the style of a documentary, we will actually be re-creating scenes from the team’s history in order to ensure artistic integrity and quality. This will include the team’s latest game, a hard-fought 4-4 tie with league-leading Wyse Guys that saw them pull the goalie in the last minute to bang home the tying goal. Another 2 goals came from hot-streaking Ralph, plus singles from Pete T and Mark (the aforementioned tying goal).

Assi Neri Produzioni is seeking 120 million dollars to complete this 20 minute film, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a fair price for such an important work of art. A complete line-by-line production costs estimate is attached, but some highlights include:

• $55 million for recreating the entire Phil White Arena in our Italian production facilities in Milano
• $23 million for the construction of a custom Zamboni ice-cleaning machine by the Ferrari design team
• $13 million to hire Italian actress Monica Bellucci to play the key role of Zamboni Girl
• $2.4 million for the recreation of Ferro’s restaurant, which must be located at our production facility in Milano in order to ensure that the kitchen remain open and operational during the shoot
• $1.6 million for beer

Meet the new Zamboni Girl

Ms Manco I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience, and I look forward to working with Telefilm Canada to bring this incredible film to the public.

Ciao!

Enrico Wardoni
Consulente Senior di Produzione
Assi Neri Produzioni

Not all bad news

Somewhere out there in space is a chunk of rock heading for the Earth that is just big enough to wipe out all life on the planet. While we wait for that to happen, let's review a few events from the past week, in no particular order:

1.  US President Trump continues his descent into madness, banning travellers from 7 Muslim countries from entering the United States. Chaos ensues.
2. Some piece of shit in Quebec opened fire on a mosque, killing 6 people.
3. Massive ice storm in New Brunswick.
4. Spring break in January is over, winter is back.
5. Kevin O'Leary and Kellie Leithch are serious about running for PC Party Leadership.
6. The guy who invented Pac Man died.
7. Scientists have moved the 'Doomsday Clock' the closest to midnight it's been since the 1950s.
8. Artificial intelligence seems like a good idea.
9. Starbucks promises to hire refugees, Trump supporters say they'll boycott Starbucks.
10. Aces defeat Battlers, 4-3. Great game from Ralph with the hattie, plus a single from Pete T. There was almost enough beer to go around after the game. 

See, it's not all bad news.


Also, there's this:

Aces Will Not Attend Inauguration

Incredible game, Aces. Unbelievable.

Local hockey legends the Black Aces have confirmed that they will not be attending the upcoming inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States. The Aces join a long list of celebrities and VIPs who have decided to give the event a miss.

Team communications director Aubrey S explains: "Trump's people must have heard about our latest game" he said "KellyAnn Conway herself tweeted at me about bringing the Aces down to DC for the inauguration, but after talking to the guys I had to tell her we'd be a no-show."

The game in question was a thrilling 2-1 victory over this year's COTHL "it" team, the Wyse Guys. The blackshirts fell by a wide margin in their previous matchup, so the victory this time around was sweet.

"We built a wall and made the Wyse Guys pay for it" said Aces defensive coordinator Al H after the game. "So maybe the Donald thought we were sympatico with his foreign policy approach, I'm not sure."

Goals came from Ralph and Joe 2 Names, and the entire team stuck to the game plan of "don't let their number one guy have the puck". It seemed to work. So well in fact that it secured them an invitation to the presidential inauguration on January 20.

"I only want winners at my crowning" said an orange-hued Trump when reached by your intrepid Aces reporter and scribe "and the Aces are winners. Every one of them. Believe me. This isn't over yet."

The Aces' next game is against perennial whipping boys the Warriors. Presumably the President Elect will be paying close attention.

Dear SantaCo

Dear SantaCo.,

Thank you so much for bringing me the cool Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set for Christmas this year! It was exactly what I wanted, and I was very excited when I finally unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Mom and Dad said you would know what I wanted, and I guess they were right.

At first everything looked perfect. All the defensemen were in the package, and it even included the Marksman Mark^® Scoring Unit. My friend Bob has the Battlers set and he’s always bragging about how great it is, but he’s a dick so of course I really wanted to beat him bad.

The 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 editions were all really great, everyone knows that. So that’s why I wanted this latest edition for 2017.

I’m writing you a letter because I think there’s something wrong with my set. When I put them on the ice, something looked not quite right. The D was terrible, the Army John^® Goalie Unit missed a bunch of shots, and most of the time the forwards just skated around in circles. Two of the forwards even had skis instead of skates, so they were totally useless.

I don’t want to return the Aces but if dickhead Bob and the Battlers beat me one more time I’m shipping the whole box back to you, Santa.

Please tell me what to do.

Your friend,

Little Jimmy in Toronto


Dear Little Jimmy,

Santa is on vacation in Maui right now, so as head of Customer Service I’m authorized to respond on Santa’s behalf.

I am so sorry to hear about the defective Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set, please accept my and Santa's deepest apologies for this terrible situation. We take our toys very seriously here at SantaCo^®, and we’re prepared to make things right for you.

To that end, I have included along with this letter a one pound bag of medical-grade marijuana grown by some very special elves right here in the world famous North Pole Grow Op. We call this blend “Hyper Drive”. It’s given a light dusting of Adderall just before we ship it, and if you put it in the box with your Aces and then just give it a shake, it will really help them focus the next time you put them on the ice.

Good luck Little Jimmy.

Ron Donaldson

SantaCo Customer Service Dept.

www.santaco.com

PS – Do not, I repeat, do NOT under any circumstances combine the Hyper Drive with any amount of Old Speckled Hen. We are still in legal proceedings from an unfortunate pecking-related mass killing in the Markham Oldtimers Hockey League in 2015.

PPS – we heard about the 6-4 loss to the Battlers last week and the unfortunate injury to the Marksman Mark^® unit. Stay strong, and 2017 will be another good year for the Aces. Santa himself said so, and you don't cross Santa if you know what's good for you.

An Apology

Sorry

Dear Black Aces,

I'm sorry. I'm so so SO sorry I doubted you. I should have known that even though you've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, that even if maybe the puck hasn't been bouncing your way the last game or 5, that you would find a way to crawl out of that Black Hole and pull out an unlikely win.

I mean sure, the defense has been like swiss cheese the last few games but that was no reason to think they would continue to act like big black pylons forever. Which is what, if I'm being honest here (and my therapist says I have to start being honest if I'm to ever grow as a human being) I was thinking when you were down 3-2 to the Battlers last game.

Oh sure there was still another period left, but how was I to know that this would be the game everyone decided to man up and "git 'er done" as they say out in the rural areas? There I was, doing my best to stay awake inspire the team behind the bench, and all I could think of when the Aces fell behind again was "I think there's some leftover pizza in the fridge at home... mmmmm, pizza". So I left. I fled. I bolted. I scurried out of there like the last rat out of a burning Denny's.

I'm not proud of the decision I made, but you know what? You would have done the same thing. Our best player and top scorer was MIA, it was freezing cold in Phil White Arena, and all I could think of was that delicious pizza, a cold beer, and my feet up on the couch watching Just for Laughs Gags. God those French bastards are le funny.

So please accept my apologies for not being there for your epic comeback to take down the B-team 4-3. I missed Simon tie the game on a laser-like shot from the point, and I missed the lovely go-ahead goal by Bruce on a perfect pass from Simon. Sure I saw Ralph bury a goal earlier, and I saw Bruce shovel one into the net in the Phil Esposito Style, but I missed the rally and most importantly I missed seeing that giant hairy-assed monkey being bitch-slapped off your backs.

Please forgive me, men. I swear it will never happen again.

Aubrey
Black Aces Spiritual Leader and Chief Financial Officer

PS - Please enjoy this heartwarming comeback story from another great TV show, Parks and Rec.

Missing

Latest game results: meh. Aces 3, Warriors 3 after a late weird goal from the Warriors tied it up. Intermittent periods of competence punctuated by boneheaded moves and Not Really Giving Much of a Fuck. Maybe the Aces need some distraction, so here's a pictorial essay from Joe Himalaya as he crosses the American Heartland with his attorney.

Leaving Graceland with Tricky Dick and the King

Welcome to Arkansas

Donald approved this sign

Not for sale. 

Joe says: "Obviously, I’ve never had more fun in my life… the young couple in the booth beside me were on ‘date’ shooting an AK-47..."

Joe says: My new BFF in Temple Texas… “Jesse” who informed me that aiming for ‘shoulder blades and below' was best to ‘drop my enemy’!

Joe Says: I’ve rented cars for less than a machine gun!! The bullets were the same as dinner for two at Denny’s!!

Doctor Doctor

"Good evening and welcome to another edition of "What's wrong with the Aces?" your weekly LIVE hockey talk forum here on ESPN7. I'm your host, George Stumbleopoulous. This week we take a painful look at the most recent Aces game, a 9-3 shellacking at the hands of the Wyse Guys, or more specifically one Wyse Guy. "

"Since the Aces posted such a weak, sickly performance this week, we've invited a panel of eminent doctors to diagnose the problem and to hopefully answer the question

(Studio audience joins in) WHAT'S! WRONG! WITH THE ACES!!!

"Our first guest is none other than TV's pre-emininent psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw. Welcome to WWWtA, Dr. Phil, and first of all let me just say that I did not know you had a last name. Did not know that."

"Thank you George, and yes, I do have a last name, and it's McGraw."

"So, Doctor, what's wrong with the Aces?"

"Well it's perfectly clear to me that the Aces are suffering from an critical lack of self-awareness in the defensive end, ok? And unless they start to (makes air quotes) 'get real', their situation is not likely to improve. I think the only solution is some very expensive therapy, and I'm offering the team a 1 week stay at the very exclusive Rancho de burros de pie lento in Tempe Arizona, ok? At a very attractive price."

"Thank you Dr. Phil, that sounds like great advice to me."

"Next on our panel we have 3 world-renowned doctors, all here via video conference. From Compton California we have Dr. Dre, from near earth orbit in his personal space headquarters we have Dr. Evil, and from his laboratory somewhere in Europe, Dr. Frankenstein. It's a pleasure to meet you all, doctors. "

"Yo"
"Yesss, helloooo."
"Guten tag. Also, it's pronounced Fronkensteen."

"Let's start with you, Dr. Dre. Your thoughts on what's wrong with the Aces. "

"Ain't the name, that's for sure, cuz they the BLACK muthafuckin Aces, so it must be the refs. FUCK tha REFS, yo."

"Dr Evil, do you agree that the refs should be fucked?"

"Welllll, nooo, not exactly." (strokes cat) "I think the entire problem could be solved with a well-placed canister of deadly nerve gas. We'll see how fast the Aces enemies skate when... THEY'RE DEAD!" (twirls pinky ring and laughs maniacally)

"Perhaps a little extreme, but let's see what Dr Frankenstein has to say. Dr F? Your thoughts?"

"Vell, I sought ze Aces last game vas monstrous of course, Herr George. But I have ze solution - I vill build ze Aces a new player, jah? He vill haff ze best qualities of all ze Aces... because he vill be made of pieces of all ze Aces. If ze Aces players vill chust giff to me each one body part I can haff ze new player ready in time for ze playoffs."

"I'l be sure to pass that request along to the team. Wait, we have someone on the line - caller are you there?"

"Yes, I'm over here, dammit. I'm a doctor, not a prank caller." A man in a blue tight-fighting jumpsuit comes onto the set, speaking into what appears to be a flip-phone.

"The one and only Dr. Leonard McCoy, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the show, doctor. Tell us, what's wrong with the aces?"

"If I didn't know better I'd say they were all suffering from an acute case of Zardaxian Flu. A couple of days in sick bay and they'll be right as rain."

"I completely disagree." An elderly spectacled man has walked onto the sound stage. "The Aces in my opinion did not receive enough affection from their parents when they were children. This has led to the current outburst of rebellious behaviour in the form of self-sabotage on the ice."

Doctor McCoy is outraged, his eyebrows dance furiously up and down. "Who the hell are you? And how did you get on board the Enterprise?"

"I'm Doctor Benjamin Spock."

"In a pig's eye you're Spock! Where's your pointy ears?" McCoy stabs Dr Spock in the neck with a fancy syringe and the old man crumples to the ground. He kneels down and feels his neck, looks up in alarm.

"He's dead, Jim!"

"That's all the time we have this week on What's Wrong With the Aces. Be sure to tune in next week for part two of our all-doctor show when we'll be hearing from Dr Oz, Dr Scholls, Doctor Who, Dr Oetker, Doctor Strangelove and Doctor Demento."