Dear SantaCo

Dear SantaCo.,

Thank you so much for bringing me the cool Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set for Christmas this year! It was exactly what I wanted, and I was very excited when I finally unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Mom and Dad said you would know what I wanted, and I guess they were right.

At first everything looked perfect. All the defensemen were in the package, and it even included the Marksman Mark^® Scoring Unit. My friend Bob has the Battlers set and he’s always bragging about how great it is, but he’s a dick so of course I really wanted to beat him bad.

The 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 editions were all really great, everyone knows that. So that’s why I wanted this latest edition for 2017.

I’m writing you a letter because I think there’s something wrong with my set. When I put them on the ice, something looked not quite right. The D was terrible, the Army John^® Goalie Unit missed a bunch of shots, and most of the time the forwards just skated around in circles. Two of the forwards even had skis instead of skates, so they were totally useless.

I don’t want to return the Aces but if dickhead Bob and the Battlers beat me one more time I’m shipping the whole box back to you, Santa.

Please tell me what to do.

Your friend,

Little Jimmy in Toronto


Dear Little Jimmy,

Santa is on vacation in Maui right now, so as head of Customer Service I’m authorized to respond on Santa’s behalf.

I am so sorry to hear about the defective Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set, please accept my and Santa's deepest apologies for this terrible situation. We take our toys very seriously here at SantaCo^®, and we’re prepared to make things right for you.

To that end, I have included along with this letter a one pound bag of medical-grade marijuana grown by some very special elves right here in the world famous North Pole Grow Op. We call this blend “Hyper Drive”. It’s given a light dusting of Adderall just before we ship it, and if you put it in the box with your Aces and then just give it a shake, it will really help them focus the next time you put them on the ice.

Good luck Little Jimmy.

Ron Donaldson

SantaCo Customer Service Dept.

www.santaco.com

PS – Do not, I repeat, do NOT under any circumstances combine the Hyper Drive with any amount of Old Speckled Hen. We are still in legal proceedings from an unfortunate pecking-related mass killing in the Markham Oldtimers Hockey League in 2015.

PPS – we heard about the 6-4 loss to the Battlers last week and the unfortunate injury to the Marksman Mark^® unit. Stay strong, and 2017 will be another good year for the Aces. Santa himself said so, and you don't cross Santa if you know what's good for you.

An Apology

Sorry

Dear Black Aces,

I'm sorry. I'm so so SO sorry I doubted you. I should have known that even though you've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, that even if maybe the puck hasn't been bouncing your way the last game or 5, that you would find a way to crawl out of that Black Hole and pull out an unlikely win.

I mean sure, the defense has been like swiss cheese the last few games but that was no reason to think they would continue to act like big black pylons forever. Which is what, if I'm being honest here (and my therapist says I have to start being honest if I'm to ever grow as a human being) I was thinking when you were down 3-2 to the Battlers last game.

Oh sure there was still another period left, but how was I to know that this would be the game everyone decided to man up and "git 'er done" as they say out in the rural areas? There I was, doing my best to stay awake inspire the team behind the bench, and all I could think of when the Aces fell behind again was "I think there's some leftover pizza in the fridge at home... mmmmm, pizza". So I left. I fled. I bolted. I scurried out of there like the last rat out of a burning Denny's.

I'm not proud of the decision I made, but you know what? You would have done the same thing. Our best player and top scorer was MIA, it was freezing cold in Phil White Arena, and all I could think of was that delicious pizza, a cold beer, and my feet up on the couch watching Just for Laughs Gags. God those French bastards are le funny.

So please accept my apologies for not being there for your epic comeback to take down the B-team 4-3. I missed Simon tie the game on a laser-like shot from the point, and I missed the lovely go-ahead goal by Bruce on a perfect pass from Simon. Sure I saw Ralph bury a goal earlier, and I saw Bruce shovel one into the net in the Phil Esposito Style, but I missed the rally and most importantly I missed seeing that giant hairy-assed monkey being bitch-slapped off your backs.

Please forgive me, men. I swear it will never happen again.

Aubrey
Black Aces Spiritual Leader and Chief Financial Officer

PS - Please enjoy this heartwarming comeback story from another great TV show, Parks and Rec.

Missing

Latest game results: meh. Aces 3, Warriors 3 after a late weird goal from the Warriors tied it up. Intermittent periods of competence punctuated by boneheaded moves and Not Really Giving Much of a Fuck. Maybe the Aces need some distraction, so here's a pictorial essay from Joe Himalaya as he crosses the American Heartland with his attorney.

Leaving Graceland with Tricky Dick and the King

Welcome to Arkansas

Donald approved this sign

Not for sale. 

Joe says: "Obviously, I’ve never had more fun in my life… the young couple in the booth beside me were on ‘date’ shooting an AK-47..."

Joe says: My new BFF in Temple Texas… “Jesse” who informed me that aiming for ‘shoulder blades and below' was best to ‘drop my enemy’!

Joe Says: I’ve rented cars for less than a machine gun!! The bullets were the same as dinner for two at Denny’s!!

Doctor Doctor

"Good evening and welcome to another edition of "What's wrong with the Aces?" your weekly LIVE hockey talk forum here on ESPN7. I'm your host, George Stumbleopoulous. This week we take a painful look at the most recent Aces game, a 9-3 shellacking at the hands of the Wyse Guys, or more specifically one Wyse Guy. "

"Since the Aces posted such a weak, sickly performance this week, we've invited a panel of eminent doctors to diagnose the problem and to hopefully answer the question

(Studio audience joins in) WHAT'S! WRONG! WITH THE ACES!!!

"Our first guest is none other than TV's pre-emininent psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw. Welcome to WWWtA, Dr. Phil, and first of all let me just say that I did not know you had a last name. Did not know that."

"Thank you George, and yes, I do have a last name, and it's McGraw."

"So, Doctor, what's wrong with the Aces?"

"Well it's perfectly clear to me that the Aces are suffering from an critical lack of self-awareness in the defensive end, ok? And unless they start to (makes air quotes) 'get real', their situation is not likely to improve. I think the only solution is some very expensive therapy, and I'm offering the team a 1 week stay at the very exclusive Rancho de burros de pie lento in Tempe Arizona, ok? At a very attractive price."

"Thank you Dr. Phil, that sounds like great advice to me."

"Next on our panel we have 3 world-renowned doctors, all here via video conference. From Compton California we have Dr. Dre, from near earth orbit in his personal space headquarters we have Dr. Evil, and from his laboratory somewhere in Europe, Dr. Frankenstein. It's a pleasure to meet you all, doctors. "

"Yo"
"Yesss, helloooo."
"Guten tag. Also, it's pronounced Fronkensteen."

"Let's start with you, Dr. Dre. Your thoughts on what's wrong with the Aces. "

"Ain't the name, that's for sure, cuz they the BLACK muthafuckin Aces, so it must be the refs. FUCK tha REFS, yo."

"Dr Evil, do you agree that the refs should be fucked?"

"Welllll, nooo, not exactly." (strokes cat) "I think the entire problem could be solved with a well-placed canister of deadly nerve gas. We'll see how fast the Aces enemies skate when... THEY'RE DEAD!" (twirls pinky ring and laughs maniacally)

"Perhaps a little extreme, but let's see what Dr Frankenstein has to say. Dr F? Your thoughts?"

"Vell, I sought ze Aces last game vas monstrous of course, Herr George. But I have ze solution - I vill build ze Aces a new player, jah? He vill haff ze best qualities of all ze Aces... because he vill be made of pieces of all ze Aces. If ze Aces players vill chust giff to me each one body part I can haff ze new player ready in time for ze playoffs."

"I'l be sure to pass that request along to the team. Wait, we have someone on the line - caller are you there?"

"Yes, I'm over here, dammit. I'm a doctor, not a prank caller." A man in a blue tight-fighting jumpsuit comes onto the set, speaking into what appears to be a flip-phone.

"The one and only Dr. Leonard McCoy, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the show, doctor. Tell us, what's wrong with the aces?"

"If I didn't know better I'd say they were all suffering from an acute case of Zardaxian Flu. A couple of days in sick bay and they'll be right as rain."

"I completely disagree." An elderly spectacled man has walked onto the sound stage. "The Aces in my opinion did not receive enough affection from their parents when they were children. This has led to the current outburst of rebellious behaviour in the form of self-sabotage on the ice."

Doctor McCoy is outraged, his eyebrows dance furiously up and down. "Who the hell are you? And how did you get on board the Enterprise?"

"I'm Doctor Benjamin Spock."

"In a pig's eye you're Spock! Where's your pointy ears?" McCoy stabs Dr Spock in the neck with a fancy syringe and the old man crumples to the ground. He kneels down and feels his neck, looks up in alarm.

"He's dead, Jim!"

"That's all the time we have this week on What's Wrong With the Aces. Be sure to tune in next week for part two of our all-doctor show when we'll be hearing from Dr Oz, Dr Scholls, Doctor Who, Dr Oetker, Doctor Strangelove and Doctor Demento."

Man in Black

The night is dark. Black, actually. A single streetlamp burns overhead but it throws no real light, and the shadows only appear blacker because of it. From somewhere in the distance the sound of a car engine approaches, and a low-slung black limousine glides into view. The rear window slides down enough for me to see a shadowy figure seated within.

"In." Says the figure. A voice like darkness itself. I get in.

We pull away, the driver unseen behind an opaque glass screen. As my eyes adjust to the dim light, I begin to make out some details. My host, whose invitation to meet him here I accepted only hours ago, sits silently. He faces forward, eyes concealed by dark glasses, both hands atop a black cane with a black skull handle.

"If you want to fix your team, I can help you. The cost may be high but the results will be worth it if you're willing to pay." 

That was all the note said, along with a time and place to meet. It was signed by a Mr. Black. 

Finally the car came to a stop. Through the heavily tinted windows I could just make out the city skyline in the distance. Portlands? The Spit? I couldn't be sure.

"Your team" he said, without looking at me "They are in trouble."

"Well, I wouldn't say that exactly, we did play pretty poorly last game but - "

"It was not a question." Faint trace of an accent... German? Russian? I couldn't place it exactly.

"To find their way once again, the Black Aces must commit to the Path of Blackness" he continued. "This is essential. To do otherwise will be to fail, and a 5th title will be forever out of reach. Can you commit to the Path of Blackness?"

I swallowed, though my throat was dry as dust. "Uh, sure?" I croaked.

A long pause as he gathered himself to speak. "First, we must change what you drink."

"What we drink?" This was not what I had expected.

"Yes, no more Old Speckled Hen. That is a beer for losers and Englishmen. From now on, only Black Label or Johhny Walker Black."

"All right" I said "Black Label it is. Are there any bars in particular where we should drink?"

"The Black Bull."

"Got it, Black Bull." I was making notes quickly, lest I forget these important directives.

"Next, music. From now on, game day music must be only Norwegian Black Metal, or Black Sabbath. The good shit, no Ronnie James Dio. Or AC/DC's Back in Black."

I was starting to see a pattern. "What about Frank Black?" I asked him.

A sharp intake of breath, and his brow seemed to furrow just slightly. "I will accept that. Frank Black. NOT Jack Black. He is a putz."

"Got it. Jack Black is a putz."

"Filllllm..." he said, drawing out the word like a piece of soft licorice. "Only film noir until the season ends. No comedies, no rom-coms, no movies with Tom Hanks. These are abominations and will cause weakness. I recommend The Killers as a good starting point, or The Maltese Falcon. These will serve you well in your quest."

"What about Men in Bla-" He cut me off mid-sentence.

"Yes, yes, Men in Black, of course." A dismissive wave of his hand, and I caught a brief flash of a silver ring set with what I could only assume was a huge Alaskan Black Diamond. "But only 1 and 3, not the second one. That one is scheisse."

"If you can follow the Path of Blackness faithfully, you may yet find your way back to glory. But if any one of the Aces strays..."

"I understand." I said. "I will bring your message to the team."

"See that you do." He reached out to push a black button in the back of the driver's seat in front of him, and the car instantly came to life and began to roll forward slowly.

"What about payment?" I asked. "We haven't spoken about that."

"Your victory will be my payment." he said.

"What if we fail?"

"Don't. You will not like what happens if you do."

The street lights streamed past dimly through the blacked out windows as we made our way back into the city. In time we came to a stop and my door was abruptly opened by a large black man in a chaufeur's uniform. Mr. Black said nothing as I got out. I was left in front of the Black Bull as the car pulled away into the night.

A Poem

B is for black, the colour of night
L is for lazy, which is never all right
A is for America, now kind of scary
C is for cola, like diet or cherry
K is for karma, so don't be a jerk
at home or at hockey or even at work.

A is for attitude, make sure yours is good
C is for Canada (it's got lots of wood)
E is for effort, which the Black Aces made
S is for skating, on ice, with sharp blades

F is for 4, the number of goals
that the Aces did score while defeating their foes
T is for 2, which the Warriors got,
which means now the Black Aces are back in top spot.

For a real poem, you should read David by the great Canadian poet Earl Birney.

Or something from either of the two hipsters above.

NewLine Industries call centre transcripts

I'm not a real person, and I've never driven a zamboni.

January 11, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? David Bowie has died in your timeline. I see. And were you close to Mr. Bowie sir? A big fan. But not a friend or related in any way? I’m sorry sir we cannot move you to a new timeline on that basis. No I’m sorry. Thank you sir, goodbye."

April 22, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Prince has died in your timeline. I see, I’ve very sorry to hear that sir. And were you close to Mr. Prince sir? A big fan. But not a friend or related in any way? I’m sorry sir we cannot move you to a new timeline on that basis. No I’m sorry. Thank you sir, goodbye."

June 15, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Your house has burned down in your timeline... and your wife has left you for the poolboy. Sorry, poolGIRL. I’m very sorry to hear that sir, but I’m afraid this set of unfortunate circumstances is not quite enough for you to qualify for a timeline change. No sir, I’m sorry. What am I wearing? I’m not wearing anything sir, I’m not a real person. I’m an artificial intelligence unit AI5000 designed to screen all requests for timeline changes. No sir, I have never driven a zamboni. I’m terminating this call now sir."

November 9, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Donald Trump has become the president of the United States. Are you sure sir? My algorithms indicate that this an extremely low probability event. I see. Please hold.

[long pause]

All right sir, I have consulted with my human superiors and I’m afraid that although this turn of events scores high on the WTF scale, we cannot grant you a timeline change. You’ll just have to make the best of things. Goodbye sir."

November 10, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? The Black Aces lost a critical COTHL game last night? Anything else sir? They blew a chance to move into sole posession of first place. All right, that does sound serious. Anything else? They stood around for two and a half periods like pylons before getting their shit together? And now they are out of first place. I see. 3-2 to the Wyse Guys. Please hold.

[brief pause]

Congratulations sir, your timeline request change has been approved. A representative of Newline Industries will contact you within 24 hours. Have a nice day sir, and good luck in your new timeline."