A Black Aces Pictorial

A hockey team, much like a fine automobile or a Swiss watch actually made in Switzerland, is a finely tuned machine. Take away a key component and things will rapidly break down. The Black Aces learned this the hard way in their latest game, as they took the ice without a vital piece of their carefully architected team - a man who can always be counted on to provide timely scoring and seemingly magical moves when the Aces need it most. I’m speaking of course about Aubrey S, who for the past 2 weeks has been on a mission abroad to secure the team its much-needed supply of delicious Indian beer.

How did the Aces do against the Battlers this past week? Perhaps this brief pictorial presentation will explain.

Thus ends the Aces 11 game undefeated streak. So now what? 

Double Victory for the Aces

The Black Aces kept their undefeated streak alive in their latest game, pulling out a 4-4 tie against arch rivals the Wyse Guys. This means the Aces have not lost in their last 10 games going back to their triumphant 2014-2015 season, including the playoffs. A pair of goals for power forward Mark plus one each for Ralph and Mike were enough to get over some weird goals that got past Aces' netminder John.

New man Alex finally was granted permission from all 6 of his girlfriends to attend the game and put in a solid game on D.

In related news, the Aces somehow took the St Paul's riding in the Federal election tonight, edging out the Liberal, NDP and CPC candidates even though they didn't run a campaign and were not supposed to be on the ballot. A perplexed Peter Mansbridge contacted the Aces' spokesman and professional chai wallah Aubrey after the votes were counted.

PM - Hello Aubrey. Can you please explain to Canadians, and especially to the people the Toronto riding of St Paul, just how the Black Aces - do i have that right? - pulled off this unexpected victory.

Aubrey - I'm sorry Peter, reception here in Kerala is not so great tonight. Also, I'm drunk. But I'm proud of the guys for running a great campaign.

PM - But that's just it, there was no campaign. No one can explain how they even got on the ballot. How do you explain it?

Aubrey - Sorry Peter, I have to go. I'm just about to dig into a really nice plate of aloo gobi and palak paneer. Go Aces!

Cut to: INTERIOR, A GIRLS BEDROOM. A LARGE 30-SOMETHING WOMAN IS FLOPPED ON THE BED, WRITING IN A DIARY. SHE IS WEARING WORK BOOTS AND TRACK PANTS UNDER A LUMBERJACKET AND A HAND-DRAWN BLACK ACES T-SHIRT.

Dear Diary, it's been months since I got fired from my sweet zamboni driving job at Phil White Arena, but I have spent that time wisely and tonight it all paid off. The Aces pulled off a victory in the election tonight, all because of me. And speaking of pulling things off, sure I had to go on a lot of 'dates' with a lot of guys (and the occasional girl) to lock up those votes but it was worth it. Now my Aces' crush will go out with me for sure, right after he removes that restraining order. I just know it. 
Go Aces!

David Price Will be Ready on Wednesday

I am so ready.

Controversy is still swirling in T.O. after today's big Jays win over Texas in game 4 of the ALDS, as the team's starting pitching rotation seems up in the air. Ace David Price went into the game to relieve R.A. Dickey in the 5th inning with the Jays ahead 7-1, giving up 3 runs and 6 hits on 50 pitches.

The big question now is whether Price will be ready to play again on wednesday, with only 2 days rest. Jays' coach John Gibbons says Price will not be ready to go on wednesday. "No way" said Gibbons after the game "There's just not enough time for David to recover from today's game."

David Price on the other hand has other ideas for this coming wednesday. Here's a transcript of his post-game interview with SportsNet's Barry Davis.

SN "David, the coach says you are definitely not going to be pitching in game 5. What do you think of that decision?"
DP "Oh I'll be ready, don't you worry."
SN "So you think 2 days rest is enough recovery time?"
SP "Absolutely. I'll be lacing them up on the forward line with Mark and Ralph this wednesday. I can't wait."
SN "Mark and Ralph..."
DP "That's right. First line all the way. Go Aces!"
SN "What are you even talking about?"
SP "The Black Aces, man. My favourite beer league hockey team. I love those guys and I can't wait to hit the ice with them. I mean, there's no way in hell I'll be able to throw a baseball by wednesday so this is my chance to skate with the Aces. I'm really glad the coach put me in the game today, otherwise I'd have to start game 5 for the Jays."
SN "I didn't even know you could skate, David."
DP "I can't. Yet. I've got 48 hours to learn though. How hard can it be? Joe Himalaya promised me he'd loan me his skates, he's going to be off in Australia for the World Shark Wrestling Championships so he won't need them. Thanks Joe!"

In less startling news, the Aces pulled off their third consecutive win in their most recent game, downing the Bloor Battlers 4-2 in a game that featured more than a few penalties and an impromptu lesson in How to Dive by Aces diving instructor Pete S. Another solid game in the nets from John (can someone please get him a new Aces sweater? He's earned it) plus goals from Mark (2), Joe D-S and Ralph and the Battlers were done. The Aces are now a perfect 3-0 on the season.

Тузы Добро пожаловать Новый игрок

Zamboni Girl encourages the Aces as they prepare to open up several cans of whoop-ass on the Wyse Guys.

Local hockey team the Black Aces continued to roll into the 2015-2016 season in the W column this past week as they held on to defeat a determined Warriors squad 4-3. Goals by Mark, Joe, Aubrey and Pete S were enough to offset the Warriors and a questionable slapshot no-goal + penalty = Warriors goal.

The Aces D was in fine form too, especially with the return of Gerry, Simon and pirate-in-training Al, all missing from Game 1. Maybe too fine? New goalie and former Aces stalker John is already so comforatable behind the Aces D that he has begun experimenting with new and novel ways to corral shots coming from beyond the centre red line. He still hasn't perfected his technique but the rest of the Aces are looking forward to more of John's hilariously creative "puckstopping" over the course of the 2015-2016 season.

In other big news, the Aces are set to welcome the newest addition to an already foridable lineup: Alex K, formerly of the Russian Federation and now working towards a Canadian citizenship. Pro tip, Alex - don't wear a niqab when you take the oath, it upsets the locals.

A little bio info about the newest Ace

Name: Alex K
Age:   40 plus a day
Former occupations:

• personal bodyguard to Vladimir Putin
• bear trainer
• MIG fighter pilot
• reindeer salesman

Some say this day was actually foretold in prophecy. Russian and Canadian scholars continue to debate this, but this 1923 painting by Russian master Wassily Kandinsky clearly depicts Alex in a Black Aces sweater helping the team to vanquish their COTHL rivals.

This is obviously a scene from Phil White Arena

Alex, the Aces are no strangers to Things That Are Russian. You can catch up on some of that history in these vintage blog posts:

• Russian Federation annexes Black Aces
• Aces Training Program Pays Dividends
• Aces Hacked by Russian Cyber Criminals

Another late game this week, this time against the Battlers. Победы!!

Long Summer for the Aces Means a Slow Start to 2015-16 Season

It’s been a long summer for local hockey team the Black Aces, and it showed in their first game of the 2015-2016 season. Unable to coordinate a training camp this year, the blackshirts appeared to have forgotten the finer points of the game during the first 2 periods against perennial rivals the Wyse Guys. Basic skills like skating, passing, shooting and trash-talking were nowhere to be seen as the reds opened up a 2-0 lead early.

What did the Aces do all summer that would get them off to such a sluggish start?

Aubrey S - volunteer pillow fight coordinator at the Lake Joseph School for Wayward Teen Girls. Asked to leave after the first week. No charges laid.

Pete S - worked as a blackboard eraser cleaner at the Perimeter Institute. Hospitalized briefly with ‘white lung’, a condition brought on by snorting too much chalk dust.

Rod P - attempted to work his way through every sexual reference in the Urban Dictionary. Almost made it to ‘Cleveland Steamer’ before suffering a mild ‘coronary event’ and having to quit on the advice of his family doctor.

Mike K - followed Icelandic art-rock band Sigur Ros on their 3 month Tour of the Permafrost Countries. Repeated and prolonged exposure to their music resulted in a coma-like state that lasted until 3 days before the start of the Aces’ season, and which was finally halted only by direct injection of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ into his cerebral cortex.

Other Aces players enjoyed similar non-hockey-themed summer vacations this year, so it wasn’t until the 3rd period that the team finally lurched to life and finished off the Wyse Guys on goals by Mark (2), Mike and Joe (1 each).

Final score: Aces 4, Wyse Guys 2.

A solid performance in the net by new goalie John (call him “goalie”, he likes that) kept the game close while the Aces remembered how to play.

Rumour has it that the team will be joined soon by a new recruit from the steppes of Russia. This has sent the other COTHL teams scrambling to add players to their rosters. Where will these players come from? Donald Trump can tell you:

Aces Three-peat in 2015

It's been a week since the Black Aces made history as the only team to win the COTHL championship 3 years in row, and the congratulations have been pouring in from all corners of the world (and some from beyond).

The Aces capped an up and down season with a pair of overtime wins to take the title again, with the final game being a 2-1 nailbiter against the Wyse Guys. Once again Mark L bagged the winner, this time on a partially set play between him and your humble scribe and defender. The whole team brought their 'A' game again, keeping the red team to just a few good chances  over the course of the game. Netminder and punctuality freak Kevin T made some great saves at the right time as the blackshirts rode a 1-0 lead (on a goal by Pete T) for most of the game, but could not hang on for the full 45. A late red goal sent the game to extra innings but it didn't take long for the Aces to bang one in for the win and the Three-peat.

The team email box is bursting with kudos and attaboys from fans and admirers, far too many to reproduce here.  So here is a sampling of some from a few names you might recognize.

Rosterbot

ROSTERBOT ACCEPTS THE ACES RESULTS! ALL HOCKEY UNITS PERFORMED TO SPECIFICATIONS! TERMINATION OF ACES UNITS CANCELLED!
Interview With the Rosterbot

God

Well done my children, well done. I knew you could do it. Literally I mean, I actually knew. I'm God.
God's Hockey Team

God Abandons Tim Tebow in Favour of Obscure Canadian Hockey Player

Vishnu

The playing of the extra ends was most invigorating, sirs. I congratulate you on your excellent excellence at the ice hockey contests.

God's Hockey Team

William Shatner

My friends, my... fellow Canadians, you... have achieved a level of greatness that few among us can equal. I... am, so proud of you. I'm having my personal assistant send autographed photos of me, William Shatner, to each and every one of you. Please, call me Bill.

Tom Hortons introduces new coffee to honour Aces HC

Zamboni girl

You guys are so awesome! I posted a video of you on my Tumblr. Not a hockey video, it just shows you guys hugging in the dressing room after the game, but whatever. I love you guys!

Black Aces Boyfriend

The blind monks of Sraac

Praise Braam! The mighty Aces have triumphed for the third cycle in a row! Our moon draws near and time is short for our doomed planet, but your victory fills our hearts with joy and - [end transmission]

Praise Braam!

Richard Branson

I knew I should have bought you beautiful bastards when I had the chance. Oh well, at least that little jerk Jon Bon Jovi couldn't close the deal either.

Richard Branson to Buy Aces HC
Prime Minister Blocks Sale of Aces HC

The Perimeter Institute 

Dear Aces, congratulations on your victory in the COTHL finals.
Dear Aces, Congratulations on your victory in the COTHL consolation finals.
Dear Aces, please accept our condolences on your loss in the COTHL finals.
Dear Aces, please accept our condolences on your loss in the COTHL consolation finals.
Aces Win (Just Not in This Timeline)

Rob Ford

I cannot comment on a victory that I have not seen or which does not exist. I am not the Aces coach. I have never been the Aces coach. Whatever happened between me and the Aces is all in the past now, and I think we should all just move on.

Toronto Mayor Robocalls Aces Opponents
A Letter to the Aces From Former Mayor Rob Ford
Great Leader Inspires Aces to 1-1 Victory
Warriors Call 9-1-1 on Aces

Chi Chi 'Pepe' Fernandez

Very great congratulations I am sending out to all my muey macho amigos on the Black Aces Hockey Club. Your fantastic victory was seen by dozens of viewers on el Canal de hombres y mas hombres. I would personally like to give each and every one of you a special Canal 53 embrace, which even though it is involving the wearing of no pants below the waist, is still 100% platonico.

Black Aces to be Featured on Mexican Cable TV

Pope Benedict XVI

It seems that my prayers have been answered. Since I stepped away from the Big Chair (and Hat) in 2013 to focus my earthly energies on the Aces HC, you have won 3 consecutive championships. Well done, my lambs, well done indeed. I know it's a sin but I feel pride in what we have accomplished together. My invoice is in the mail.

Pope Benedict XVI Says Farewell Church, Hello Aces

Sonseed

Congratulations and Bless You Aces!! We are just so thrilled to hear of your Godly Victory that we are going to come out of retirement and join up with UB40, Ziggy Marley, The English Beat and Rancid on their 2015 North American tour! Of course we'll be playing our big hit:



There you have it, sports fans. Another year done and dusted and the Men in Black are the class of the COTHL once again.

God's Hockey Team

FFS, I look away for one minute...

RRiiinnnng... rrriiinnnggg... “Hello?”

“Vishnu! That you?”

“Yes, this is Vishnu.”

“Vish, it’s God. How’s it going, big blue?”

“Oh, hello mister God, everything is wonderful. Thank you for asking. Most excellent to be hearing from you, sir. What I can do for you?”

“You remember that hockey game I asked you to look in on last week? The Black Aces playoff game?”

“Yes yes, I remember. A quite excellent game as I recall, very exciting! Thank you for trusting me with it while you were on your fishing trip with mister Pope.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t know much about hockey do you, V-man?”

“Well to be fair it was the first game of ice hockey that I have witnessed, yes. But I certainly enjoyed it very greatly. Why do you ask, mister God sir?”

“My boy tells me you took your eyes off the game and he had to step in and do my will for me, that’s why. The game was in overtime and you were nowhere to be found. Overtime! How did it get to overtime, Vish? I thought you were taking care of my team.”

“Ah yes, now I am remembering. I was just stepping out to create and destroy some universes and when I am returning mister Jesus was looking over the game. He had a funny look on his face, not the nice one he is usually having.”

“That’s called anger, mixed with fear. Of God. He was angry with you for messing up the assignment and afraid of what I might do if this game didn’t go the way I ordered it. You feel me, blue man? Let me ask you something. How long does a hockey game last?”

“I am thinking it is 6 hours. Giving or taking.”

“6 hours?! Are you serious? No hockey game has ever lasted 6 hours, the players would all be dead! Are you sure you’re not getting it mixed up with another sport, say one that’s really popular in, I don’t know, India?”

“I am not sure what you are getting towards, mister God sir.”

“I think you know what I mean. Hard wooden ball, flat wooden bat, rules nobody can understand... very long games.”

“Ohhhh, right, yes, heh heh. I am thinking of the cricket. You are most correct mister God sir. Crick-et. A game of ice hockey does not last 6 hours then?”

“No. No a game of ice hockey does not last 6 hours then. If my son hadn’t stepped in when he did the Aces might have lost and you my friend would owe me big time. I had a side bet with the Pope on that game and let’s just say I now own half the Vatican.”

“I am most terribly sorry mister God sir. Please accept my apologies, and please accept a complimentary universe which I have just created for you. Perhaps you can store it at the Vatican.”

“All right then, no harm done. Look, I gotta go. Westboro Baptist Church is trying to stage another protest against Leonard Nimoy and I promised him I’d smite them. Say hi to Shiva for me.”

I am liking the hockey!

Game details

Aces 3, Battlers 2 (OT)
Mark: 2 goals
Joe D: 1 goal

A fast and hard fought game, but the right team came out on top in the end. Special thanks to John for handling goal duties while Kevin finished his pre-game beer in the dressing room. Really,  a big game from everyone and a solid team effort.

Next game is the final, and the Black Aces are going for the cup for the 3rd year in row. Which they will win. God willing.