It’s been a long summer for local hockey team the Black Aces, and it showed in their first game of the 2015-2016 season. Unable to coordinate a training camp this year, the blackshirts appeared to have forgotten the finer points of the game during the first 2 periods against perennial rivals the Wyse Guys. Basic skills like skating, passing, shooting and trash-talking were nowhere to be seen as the reds opened up a 2-0 lead early.
What did the Aces do all summer that would get them off to such a sluggish start?
Aubrey S - volunteer pillow fight coordinator at the Lake Joseph School for Wayward Teen Girls. Asked to leave after the first week. No charges laid.
Pete S - worked as a blackboard eraser cleaner at the Perimeter Institute. Hospitalized briefly with ‘white lung’, a condition brought on by snorting too much chalk dust.
Rod P - attempted to work his way through every sexual reference in the Urban Dictionary. Almost made it to ‘Cleveland Steamer’ before suffering a mild ‘coronary event’ and having to quit on the advice of his family doctor.
Mike K - followed Icelandic art-rock band Sigur Ros on their 3 month Tour of the Permafrost Countries. Repeated and prolonged exposure to their music resulted in a coma-like state that lasted until 3 days before the start of the Aces’ season, and which was finally halted only by direct injection of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ into his cerebral cortex.
Other Aces players enjoyed similar non-hockey-themed summer vacations this year, so it wasn’t until the 3rd period that the team finally lurched to life and finished off the Wyse Guys on goals by Mark (2), Mike and Joe (1 each).
Final score: Aces 4, Wyse Guys 2.
A solid performance in the net by new goalie John (call him “goalie”, he likes that) kept the game close while the Aces remembered how to play.
Rumour has it that the team will be joined soon by a new recruit from the steppes of Russia. This has sent the other COTHL teams scrambling to add players to their rosters. Where will these players come from? Donald Trump can tell you:
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Some other ventures abandoned by Aces.
Mark L. - Enrolled in the East York River Wideners Club. Lasted two hours before he developed severe calluses in that meaty valley connecting his Index finger/thumb as well as large purple nut/thigh chafe spots. Mark did the only thing he knew-pop a couple of "Blues." Good Job!
Ralphie - Spent the better part of three months doing Tarot/Panty stain readings.
Richie Ward- Invested in the now defunct Richard Fromage (Dick Cheese) Gay Pet Cemetary Franchise. Now under investigation by the Autorité des marchés financiers du Québec, Rejean Houle was also a partner his people are pissed.
Himalayan Joe- Worked part time at Mexico's first and only Vegetarian Butcher shop
Simon-Gave out Gift Cards for Free Air Guitar/Speaking Mime Lessons
Aubrey- Between gigs Aubrey also worked part time assembling Strap On Forehead/Chin Dildos at the Miles Longish Inc.
Some other ventures abandoned by Aces.
Mark L. - Enrolled in the East York River Wideners Club. Lasted two hours before he developed severe calluses in that meaty valley connecting his Index finger/thumb as well as large purple nut/thigh chafe spots. Mark did the only thing he knew-pop a couple of "Blues." Good Job!
Ralphie - Spent the better part of three months doing Tarot/Panty stain readings.
Richie Ward- Invested in the now defunct Richard Fromage (Dick Cheese) Gay Pet Cemetary Franchise. Now under investigation by the Autorité des marchés financiers du Québec, Rejean Houle was also a partner his people are pissed.
Himalayan Joe- Worked part time at Mexico's first and only Vegetarian Butcher shop
Simon-Gave out Gift Cards for Free Air Guitar/Speaking Mime Lessons
Aubrey- Between gigs Aubrey also worked part time assembling Strap On Forehead/Chin Dildos at Miles Longish Inc.
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