Jon Bon Jovi Wants to Buy the Aces and Move Them to Buffalo

I'm turning into John fucking Cougar

Sources close to this reporter have confirmed that New Jersey 'rocker' and entrepreneur is close to a deal that would have him become majority owner of local hockey team the Black Aces. Bon Jovi is also trying to ink a deal to purchase the Buffalo Bills NFL franchise and move it to Toronto, a move that has upset some Bills' fans in the Queen City.

The deal for the Aces may be designed to offset the loss of the Bills to a city already reeling from high unemployment, too much snow, and the continued presence of the Buffalo Sabres. Aces' president and expert towel-folder Aubrey S is refusing to disclose the amount of the offer from Mr. Bon Jovi, but inside sources (actually team sponsor Joe P) say it's in the high 3 figures.

Some Aces have already made plans for the money, saying it should go toward providing after-game beers with names that are easier to pronounce, and, as team defender and film critic Simon C put it, "not from Czechoslofuckingvakia or something. Can't we just get back to good honest one-syllable Canadian beer? Come on, let's have some Ex, Blue, Bud, or Keiths. Last game someone asked me if I wanted a Tmavý Vánoční. I thought he was offering me a Russian hand job so I punched him in the face. I'm a married man."

The rumours surrounding the club don't seem to be affecting anyone's performance. A fast paced game against the Battlers on November 20 saw the Aces nearly edge past the blue shirts but for a late tying goal. Winger and team ferret walker Ralph R did his best Steven Stamkos impersonation, burying an off-wing shot from in close, and team ventriloquist and newcomer Mark L (almost finished probation, buddy, just a couple more multi-goal games and you get a sweater) bagged another pair to round out the scoring. The game ended in a 3-3 tie, which should be enough to keep the Aces on top of the COTHL for another week.

Special note to any alumni still reading this blog: return your sweater! If you still have an official Aces jersey and you're not on the team any more... bring it back. You know who you are.

Welcome Aces!

Double Delivery Confuses Aces

Hockey players, never known for their intelligence, are an easily confused species. They are driven by rules and must at all times know where they stand, both on the ice and off. A recent incident involving local COTHL team the Black Aces is an excellent example of how little it takes to confuse and befuddle the average hockey player.

It is customary for one player to provide beer refreshments for the team at each game, with the assignment going to a different player each week. There is no list or complex algorithm to calculate the exact order in which players are responsible for bringing the team cooler full of sweet sweet beer gatorade. No tests of strength or manliness, no game of rock-paper-scissors, no drawing of straws. It's very informal. After each game someone will spontaneously ask "Who's got the beer lemonade for next week?" And after a confused pause, someone will eventually volunteer to bring the cooler and its strictly non-alcoholic contents to the next game.

Sometimes things do go awry. In the worst case scenario the bringer of the beer Kool-aid does not make it to the rink, and the team must endure a 'dry' post-game review of the evening's events. This is very sad, and the non-bringer of the beer popsicles undoubtedly feels a sudden burning rush of guilt mixed with fear as his teammates all envision his grisly yet totally justified death by bear-mauling.

In the second-worst case scenario, too many Aces show up to play and the supply of beer spring water runs out before everyone can slake their thirst. This is also very sad, and the bringer of the beer Perrier must endure the disapproval of his teammates, who all now know that either a) he can't count, or more likely b) he's a cheap cunt skate.

The third-worst scenario happened on November 13, when not one but two Aces brought beer iced tea to the game. You may think this would be a good thing, and that having extra beer soda after the game would be greeted with shouts of joy and high-fives all around. You would be wrong - go back and read the first paragraph, the one about hockey players being easily confused and requiring order at all times.

Instead of providing a boost to the Aces' performance, the thought of all those additional beers smoothies waiting in the dressing room only distracted the team. Pucks were shot wide, passes went astray, and the end result was a 3-1 loss to the Warriors and the end of the longest undefeated streak in team history.

This was very sad, as you can imagine. It was a very sad bunch of Aces hockey players after the game who had to sadly, very sadly, drink the extra beer juiceboxes to ensure that this sort of tragedy never happens again.

Aces Conserve Energy in Latest Win

Aces top line on November 6

In an effort to join the movement to a greener society, local hockey team the Black Aces successfully implemented a new 'low energy' strategy in their latest game. The team managed to extend their winning streak with an efficient 4-2 win over the Wyse Guys, putting out just enough wattage to ensure the victory.

"We're all very concerned about climate change on this team" said team sitar tuner Joe P. after the game "so we do our part to keep our energy expenditures as low as possible."

To the casual eye the Aces no doubt appeared to be coasting through the second and most of the third periods. In actual fact the team was merely keeping their energy output in check in order to not contribute to Canada's notoriously poor greenhouse gas emissions record.

"Knowing what I know about the Oil Sands and climate change, I can't in good conscience ignore my own contributions to our record as a nation" said team aromatherapist Mike K. "I feel guilty whenever I put out more than 1500Kj on a shift. I keep thinking about those poor polar bear cubs, and I have to slow down."

Not a polar bear cub in sight.

It seems however that it is mainly the veteran players on the team that have these selfless concerns for the environment. The newer, younger players have apparently decided to say "fuck you" to Mother Earth and continue to play at a high energy output, effectively damning future generations to a stormy, violent nightmare world where roving gangs of mutants battle one another for supremacy in the crumbling remains of our once great cities.

Mark L, for instance, singlehandedly doomed the 5 remaining specimens of Coates Island Murres with his selfish 3 goal performance.

"Why Mark? Why?"

Paul M, another newcomer, may have scored the winning goal, sure, but also showed blatant disregard for our fragile arctic habitat by burning through at least 5000Kj in the 3rd period alone. Shameful. Sure he may have bicycled to the game with his equipment and everything but that does not make up for his reckless performance on the ice.

The worst offender though had to be goalie and Young Person Kevin T. While the rest of the Aces were treading/skating lightly on the earth, young Kevin continued to blithely burn through untold kilojoules of energy as he turned aside shot after shot in the Aces net. Energy, may I remind you, that can ultimately be traced back to fossil fuel sources.

If this is how the next generation shows concern for the planet, then friends, we are truly doomed as a species.

Next game is wednesday, I have the beer.

Aces Scribe Misses Weekly Blog Post

In an unusual turn of events, local hockey team the Black Aces are without a weekly blog post commemorating their most recent win in the COTHL. In spite of an impressive 9-3 win over the Warriors, there was no mention on the team blog this week.

Team blogger and scribe Jeff McCartney has, however, issued the following apology.

To my beloved Aces team mates, fellow players in the COTHL, followers of this blog and athletes everywhere, I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I failed to post a blog report of the Aces latest win over the Warriors. If anyone was offended by this omission, I apologize. I'm sorry to Kevin T for not reporting on his excellent play in the Aces net, and I'm sorry to all the Aces players who worked so hard to get the 2 points and who placed their trust in me to post the weekly report. I sincerely, sincerely... sincerely apologize. 

I'm the first one to admit, friends, I'm the first one to admit, I am not perfect. I have made mistakes ... and all I can do right now is apologize for the mistakes

I hope you can forgive me, and I know I have to work hard to regain your trust.

All I can say is that this incident is in the past, and I promise you that hopefully this will never happen again. We must move forward. I'm going to continue to do the job I appointed myself to do, which is write snark-filled blog posts about the team. If at the beginning of next season the team decides they want someone else to take that over, then that's their decision.

God bless the Black Aces and God bless the COTHL. 

Aces training program pays dividends

It's not unusual for pro athletes to maintain a high level of fitness in the off-season. Hockey players, long notorious for their summer regimen of fishing, drinking and golfing, now spend the warm months fishing, drinking, golfing, running, and working out with Gary Roberts.

In an effort to maintain their edge over this past summer, area hockey team and COTHL champs the Black Aces enlisted the services of someone at a slightly lower price point than the renowned Mr. Roberts:

Hi, I'm Vlad.

That's right. Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Little known fact: Vlad takes the summer off from telling Russians what to do and spends his leisure time selflessly helping amateur athletes around the world achieve their potential through his patented exercise program, Vladisthenics.

Here's a typical day of Vladisthenics, as followed by the Aces this past July and August.

0600: wake up, drink 1 oz vodka. Eat 1 bear steak, raw
0630: ten mile run while disassembling and re-assembling Kalashnikov rifle
0800: 1,000 pushups with Lada Niva 1.0L engine on back
0900: ice bath, 30 minutes
0931: restart own heart with jumper cables and battery from Lada Niva
1030: sneak into Toronto Zoo, fight Amir tiger. Naked.
1100: 1 hour rest on bed of barbed wire
1200: lunch - 2 oz vodka, 1 lb uncooked potatoes, 1 lb reindeer meat, antlers on
1300: swimming 1500 meters. Under water
1400: agility training - dancing in Russian style while is beaten with live sturgeon by Vlad
1430: fishing time! Everybody take shirt off and catching the fish!
1600: Russian fight technique. Practice on gypsy children, greenpeace hippies.
1800: dinner -  3 oz vodka, 1 lb moose meat, 1 whole cabbage
1900: weight training with Team USSR 1972.

Rinse, repeat.

"Ted Nugent is pussy"

What have their opponents been doing to prepare for this season? Something a little less intense.

And that, gentle reader, is why the Aces will once again win the COTHL title.

Game report:
Aces 3, Warriors 0. Another outstanding performance from newcomer Mark, who with a 3 goal night has almost secured himself a permanent spot on the club. Another 2 or 3 games like that one and the Aces Elders will be certain to take a closer look at his application for team member status.

Circle of Life Continues in the COTHL

They say time stands still for no man, not even amateur hockey players, and so we find ourselves this year with some new faces on the Aces. Faces attached to younger, better men as the old guard gives way to the new. The Circle of Life continues. 

Step aside, geezers.

Your humble scribe was recently able to arrange an exclusive interview with the 3 newest Aces; Kevin, Mark and Paul. The full interview will be appearing on the Hockey Night in Canada (Punjabi) broadcast this year, but below are some selected excerpts from that interview. 

JM (interviewer) : Hello gentlemen, welcome to the COTHL and to the Black Aces Hockey Club. How are you finding the level of play in the league so far?

Kevin: It’s been fantastic, I’ve really been enjoying myself in every game. It’s amazing that even at such an advanced age there are still guys out there who can play at a high level.

Mark: I agree with Kevin. There was one shift in the last game where I’m pretty sure I felt some sweat soaking through my shirt. Could have been some spilled water, but yeah, let’s go with sweat. 

Paul: It’s so cool that I get to play in this league because there are a few guys that are friends with my dad at work, and he likes it when we beat them. 

JM: Why don’t you tell us a bit about your hockey resume. Where were you playing before joining the Aces?

Paul: mostly in the back yard on the rink my dad built for me and my brother, who is a total poo-head. So I’m really happy to be skating on a full sized rink now. It's wicked.

Kevin: I was in my last year of bantam house league, but there weren’t many junior scouts coming around. I was looking at having to go back to school and finish my grade 9 when I got the call from the Aces. This is way more fun than sitting through English class, you know what I mean?

Mark: I was pretty much just playing NHL14 on my xbox, with the occasional street hockey game on weekends. This is a lot more fun, and the other kids on the team seem really cool. Plus my mom says I need the exercise. Like, whatever.

JM: Kevin, you’ve had some strong games in the net so far.

Kevin: Thanks, dude. I guess it helps that slap shots aren’t allowed and most of the guys in the league are kind of too old to take a decent wrist shot. Our defense is super solid too, so that makes things easier. 

JM: Mark and Paul, you’ve shown some great chemistry out there so far. How do you explain the way you’ve been able to connect with each other so quickly?

Mark: We spend a lot of time online playing World of Warcraft with each other, maybe that’s it?

Paul: Yeah, it’s kind of like we knew each other already. Hey Mark, looks like your mom is here to pick you up.

Mark: Yup, I gotta go. Thanks for the interview, mister! 

Mark, Kevin and Paul. The newest members of the Black Aces

In actual hockey news, the Aces kept their undefeated streak alive last week with a 3-2 win over the Wyse Guys. A tally from Bruce plus 2 more from Mark (one on a cross-ice Hail Mary pass from your humble scribe for the go-ahead goal) put the game away under ice conditions so snowy that the city had to call in the army to clear it all away after the game. Let’s hope the zamboni is off the DL for next week. 

Also, the team would like to welcome back Ralph, who is returning from having carbon fiber and titanium joints implanted into his legs during the offseason. League rules do not forbid this procedure so we're pretty sure he's cleared to play.

Hakuna Matata.

Toronto Mayor Robocalls Aces Opponents

The following is an actual transcript of a "robo-call" placed on behalf of local hockey team the Black Aces by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. 

"The fuck are you lookin at?"

"Hello. This is your mayor, Rob Ford. I just would like to say that if any of you players on the Battlers, Warriors or Wyse Guys are thinking of taking a run at the COTHL cup this year, well, let's just say I wouldn't do that if I were you. 

"You think just because I'm the mayor of this town that I have to spend all my time doing mayor shit? Think again, assholes. I got plenty of downtime now that I decided not to coach football any more, and you know what? I'm with the Aces now. So look the fuck out because those guys are gonna kick your asses again this year.

"Summa you jerkoffs might think that last year was some kind of fluke, that the Aces just put together some lucky wins at the end of the season. Wrong, dumbfucks. All that 'losing a bunch of games in a row' shit was like, totally planned. Just like I planned to get the Feds to cough up all that dough for a Scarborough subway, which is TOTALLY going to happen no matter what the commies on city council think.

"The Aces were playing you for losers last year, and you fell for it. But this year they don't have to because they got me as their coach. So get ready to lose, bitches, cuz - what? I'm just makin' a phonecall, Doug, leave me alone! Naw, I'm jus' callin' someone. Jeez. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, the Aces are going to win EVERY GAME this year with me behind the bench and you lefty bastards had better - what now? No, Doug I don't know where your hash is! Ow! Quit hitting me, I didn't take it! That's it, I'm telling mom you sonofa - ...

"This has been a paid political announcement from the Rob Ford for permanent mayor coalition. God bless Ford Nation."

Players from the non-Aces teams in the COTHL have yet to comment. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces did in fact pull off a win in their most recent game. After jumping out to a 4-1 lead on goals by Rich (2) Mark and Paul (1 each) the blackshirts took their foot off the gas just enough to let the Battlers back in the game. Some timely saves from keeper Kevin kept the game in the win column for the Aces, as they hung for a 4-3 victory and extended their undefeated string. That's now 8 games in a row without a loss, going back to last year.