Aces training program pays dividends

It's not unusual for pro athletes to maintain a high level of fitness in the off-season. Hockey players, long notorious for their summer regimen of fishing, drinking and golfing, now spend the warm months fishing, drinking, golfing, running, and working out with Gary Roberts.

In an effort to maintain their edge over this past summer, area hockey team and COTHL champs the Black Aces enlisted the services of someone at a slightly lower price point than the renowned Mr. Roberts:

Hi, I'm Vlad.

That's right. Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Little known fact: Vlad takes the summer off from telling Russians what to do and spends his leisure time selflessly helping amateur athletes around the world achieve their potential through his patented exercise program, Vladisthenics.

Here's a typical day of Vladisthenics, as followed by the Aces this past July and August.

0600: wake up, drink 1 oz vodka. Eat 1 bear steak, raw
0630: ten mile run while disassembling and re-assembling Kalashnikov rifle
0800: 1,000 pushups with Lada Niva 1.0L engine on back
0900: ice bath, 30 minutes
0931: restart own heart with jumper cables and battery from Lada Niva
1030: sneak into Toronto Zoo, fight Amir tiger. Naked.
1100: 1 hour rest on bed of barbed wire
1200: lunch - 2 oz vodka, 1 lb uncooked potatoes, 1 lb reindeer meat, antlers on
1300: swimming 1500 meters. Under water
1400: agility training - dancing in Russian style while is beaten with live sturgeon by Vlad
1430: fishing time! Everybody take shirt off and catching the fish!
1600: Russian fight technique. Practice on gypsy children, greenpeace hippies.
1800: dinner -  3 oz vodka, 1 lb moose meat, 1 whole cabbage
1900: weight training with Team USSR 1972.

Rinse, repeat.

"Ted Nugent is pussy"

What have their opponents been doing to prepare for this season? Something a little less intense.

And that, gentle reader, is why the Aces will once again win the COTHL title.

Game report:
Aces 3, Warriors 0. Another outstanding performance from newcomer Mark, who with a 3 goal night has almost secured himself a permanent spot on the club. Another 2 or 3 games like that one and the Aces Elders will be certain to take a closer look at his application for team member status.