Aces Hacked by Russian Cyber Criminals

Canadian security officials have revealed that local hockey team the Black Aces were recently the victims of a sophisticated cyber-attack, similar in nature to the many attacks on well-known multinational retailers in 2014, like Home Depot, Kmart and Staples. 

Hacker may not be exactly as shown

In the previous attacks, hackers were able to gain access to to sensitive customer information, including credit card numbers and other personal details. The Russian underground cyber criminals responsible for the Aces attack were no doubt counting on a similar payoff when they focused their evil algorithms on the Aces formidable hardened data centre, world-renowned for its impregnability. 

Your Intrepid Aces Reporter, through confidential sources, has managed to track down the chief black hat programmer responsible for crafting the deadly virus that was able to breach the Aces’ digital defenses. The following is an abridged transcript of a skype conversation held over secure channels in the days following the attack. The true identity of the hacker cannot be revealed, so in this transcript he is identified only as “Viktor.”

IAR: hello, Viktor, are you there? I only see a black screen. 

Viktor: Yes, I em here. I have black Harry Potter wizard hat covering camera. Is for protection. 

IAR: Yes, of course. What can you tell me about the operation against the Black Aces? 

Viktor: Well, was bit of embarrassment, actually. We are thinking such high secure data centre must containing valuable informations. So we attack. Was not easy to get through Aces’ defense, is everyone knowing that already. Very tough. But, with time and much computing power we are able to finally enter. 

IAR: And what sort of information did you find once you got past the Aces’ defenses? 

Viktor: Was... curious. List of backup goalies, scanned receipt from somewhere calling ‘Rodney’s Oyster House’, video of very bad very drunk old men play Rolling Stones with guitar and drum. Very shitty. My boss very mad.  

IAR:  So you found nothing of value at all? 

Viktor: Nyet. Is complete useless waste in time. As revenge, I decide to make game plan for Aces enemy, Warriors. Using plan are able to have victory over black hockey team, is certain. So they are losing 2 goals to 4 against Warriors. Fuck Aces, they are skating now like devochki. And fuck their shitty data also.  Oy, I must go - is boss coming. Do svidaniya.

There you have it, readers. The Aces go down 4-2 to the Warriors, but only because of some dirty espionage and hacking by evil Russian computer criminals. Goals by Mark and Joe D during a late game surge were not enough and the Aces record falls to 4-1. 

Tom Hortons introduces new coffee to honour Aces HC

Iconic Canadian coffee and donut chain Tom Horton’s has just announced the introduction of a new flavour of coffee, their second this year. Coming just months after the chain started offering a ‘dark roast’ in addition to its regular brew, the new java brand is being described by Horton’s as “really f***ing dark. Like, seriously dark. Black even.”

At a press conference held to announce the new offering, Horton’s new spokesperson William Shatner elaborated on the reasons for the unexpected addition to the company’s coffee menu.

Black. As. Space. The - final frontier.

“Let’s not beat around the bush - everyone knows Horton's regular coffee is crap,” said Shatner. “Even their so-called dark roast is really just the same warm brown watery cup of sweet mediocrity as the original brew, it just comes in a darker cup.

“Our focus group testing told us that what we really needed was a cup of real coffee, something that would not only compete with the other guys but totally destroy them, darkness-wise. Just like I destroyed the Gorn in episode 18 of the original Star Trek series.  The Horton's brewmasters rose to the challenge and created a roast so dark, so strong, and so heavy that not even light itself could escape.

“It is the black hole of coffee. The - singularity of caffeinated beverages. When it came time to name this most potent brew, there was only once choice. Only the most high-powered, kick-ass, seriously awesome group of black-shirted bastards were worthy of the honour. I’m talking of course about the Black Aces HC.”

Shatner then opened a small black metal case that had been on a table beside him. The heavy latches snapped open with a ‘thunk’ and it seemed that the air in the room became suddenly darker, heavier, and more ominous. Sounds were muffled and indeed light seemed to disappear into the open case in an unnatural way. Reaching into the case with both hands he lifted out a black cup about half the size of the smallest cup currently on offer at the local Tom Hortons.

“This, friends, is the new Black Aces Black Awesome Brew. Served black and only black - we will allow no milk products or sugar to be added, ever - in a carbon fibre cup. 4 ounces of potent blackness, no more. No more is required.”

“How much will it cost?” asked a reporter from a major daily.

“How. Dare. You. Even. Ask. About the cost. That is irrelevant, and I will not have the mighty name of the Black Aces diminished by such an impertinent question. It costs what it is worth. And you. Will. Buy. It.

“No further questions. Wait, one more. You there in the back."

"Yes, what happened in last week's Aces game?"

"A victory of course. Aces 2, Wyse Guys 1. Goals by Ralph and someone named 'Ren', apparently. A close game for most of the way, but in the end the Aces did triumph. Again."

CBC to Broadcast Aces Games

In an effort to regain some of the hockey broadcast glory so recently lost when they had Hockey Night in Canada taken from them by Rogers, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has just announced that it will be broadcasting an exciting lineup of games featuring local Toronto hockey legends the Black Aces.

Hockey Night in Cedarvale, as the new show is to be called, will feature an all-star lineup of CBC talent to host the games.

Weapons-grade folksiness

Play by play: Stuart McLean, host of the popular old-people’s radio show The Vinyl Cafe will call the action from rinkside, interjecting humourous anecdotes about Dave, Morley and the gang along with his lightning-fast delivery. Sample: “Aces defenseman and sometime blogger Jeff M corralled the puck in his own end, and, cradling it on his stick like a... newborn Jack Russell Terrier puppy, carried it out to the blueline before making a pass as... crisp as an early October morning to a waiting teammate. Just like the time Dave passed Sam the turkey gravy at that one memorable thanksgiving dinner, the time that Morley wore the apron that Dave’s great aunt Hattie had given her for Christmas.” And so on.

Colour commentary: Bob McDonald, host of the "popular" nerd science radio show Quirks and Quarks. Bob will also present fascinating between-periods features on the science of hockey, covering topics like “Why does a post-game beer taste better after a win?” and “The effects of aging on reflexes and recovery time.”

I have nothing bad to say about Q&Q. Great show. Seriously, listen to it. Saturdays at noon.

Post-game analysis will be handled by the annoying and off-puttingly weird-looking Rex Murphy, including a regular call-in feature called “Hockey players: Hoodlums or Ruffians? You decide”

Sweet Jesus, I'm creepy.

Wizardry!

Not to be outdone by Rogers emphasis on high-tech cameras and multiplatform delivery, the CBC is promising some technical wizardry of its own, including

• the Zamboni Cam ^®
• live tweeting of the game by CBC correspondent and Spark host Nora Young 
• a live-streamed Innuit throat-singing version of Oh Canada before every game
• action photos taken by CBC hipster chick Sook Yin Lee and put through the most obscure Instagram filters, posted to her Tumblr account
• a Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) with Ron James, host of something called the "Ron James Show"

And don’t forget to tune into the Hockey Night in Cedarvale Farsi edition (the Punjabi broadcast has been snapped up by Rogers Communications).

Actual Hockey News

Exciting stuff, but what happened last week? Oh, just another win by the Aces is all. 5-3 over the Battlers, in what for a while was a pretty close game. The Battlers were actually in front 3-2 in the second period before the Aces took charge, with Mark bagging an impressive 4 goals and Rod chipping in for a single. Goaltending duties were ably handled by some guy in a red jersey, since Aces goalie Kevin T. was busy watching some other team play hockey. Forget the name of the team, sorry.

Aces are now 3-0 on the season, in case you’re keeping track.

Aces HC Now Taking Applications for Head Coaching Role

Pull my finger, ref.

With the possible impending departure of their beloved and wise CSO (Chief Strategy Officer) Rich W, local hockey team the Black Aces have been putting some feelers out into the community in an effort to recruit some new bench brains. The team is off to a great start for the 2014-2015 season, but things sometimes have a way of going off the rails when you least expect it, so the search for the next chalk talker is on.

Your humble scribe has been granted permission to share with you, dear reader(s), a sampling of some of the ‘top of the pile’ applications submitted so far.

Like this beauty:

Dear Black Aces HC,
Please accept this as my application for the position of head coach of your shitty little hockey club. Sure I already run a multi-million dollar company that I started from nothing after my dad handed it to me, but I bet you guys are all pretty ignorant, and you need a smart guy like me behind the bench to tell you what to do.

I don’t drink, so no more beer after the game for anyone. That’s over. If you need any quality hash though, I got it covered. Black, blonde, leb, whatever you want. It’s the good shit too. My other strengths include:

• shouting
• lying
• arranging beat downs (lookin at you, refs)
• creepy stares 
• more lying
• even more lying

So when do I start? 

D. Ford

And this one from another Toronto celebrity:

Hello,
Last night as I rummaged through some delicious green bin delights in a driveway in the Annex, I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming sense of my own mortality. I mean, what is the purpose of life? Is it to sleep all day in a tree, then skulk about in the dark - eating garbage, breaking into attics and pooping on random decks and shed roofs? Maybe. Maybe. But just in case it is not, I wish to apply for the position of head coach of the Black Aces. I have a lot of valuable qualities I can bring to the team, and I can teach the players some killer moves that will completely take the other teams by surprise. Things like:

• sleeping all day in a tree
• skulking (in the dark, mainly)
• green bin security countermeasures
• advanced deck & rooftop pooping techniques

None of these will in the least way help the team at hockey, but I think you already have that part figured out so come on, take a chance on a small and strangely articulate urban mammal as your next head coach.

A. Raccoon

Here's one from a little farther up the food chain.

Aces,

As your new leader I promise to provide a strong, steady hand behind the bench and to lead the team forward into a glorious future. A future where the Aces are respected around the league, around the city, and around the world. As an energy superpower, Canada has earned the right to be revered by all the countries of the world, and I feel the time has come to bring the might of the Black Aces to bear on those nations that require a certain, shall we say... education.  

As a certain great leader once said, “Es ist unser Wille, dass dieses Team der Männer wird durch die kommenden Jahrtausenden zu ertragen.”

S. Harper

Wow. Powerful stuff, no? There are many more applications, this is but a small selection of the total.

While management mulls over the options and works towards a decision, the Aces themselves continue to roll. Game Two of the 2014-2015 season saw the team take on the Warriors and come away with a 5-0 victory.

Kevin recorded the first of many shutouts, Mark marked 3 markers for the hattie, and Joe D and Pete each chipped in with a goal.

Nice work, guys. Next up: Bloor Battlers.