This next post was provided by Raj, who is passing this along from the Vancouver Province and is in no way claiming this as his own work. Here we go:
Sundin Signs with Vancouver: 10 Remaining Questions
By Mike Halford, Vancouver Province
10. Where does this put Alex Auld on the list of greatest bald Canucks? (Go ahead and group Salo in there. It's inevitable.)
9. Was Brian Burke upset he didn't get invited to the press conference? We hear he met Sundin once.
8. How long before the phoneboards at Team 1040 short circuit and the ensuing flames engulf Dave Pratt, turning this from a pretty good signing into the greatest moment in Vancouver sports history?
7. Hold on...did we just sign Toronto's sloppy seconds?
6. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, what does this mean for Jason Jaffray?
5. Remember the ceremony for that Lundin guy? That was a good ceremony.
4. At what point does Bob Cole chuck his microphone and mutter, "Christ...Sundin, Sedin...I do not need this"?
3. Has anybody been informed of the clause in Sundin's contract whereby he gets to miss practice every time there's a $22 sit-and-go at Pokerstars?
2. Is it true that Daniel and Henrik have commissioned IKEA to build the world's first triple race-car bunk bed?
Aaaaaaaaaand, finally...
1. So...who couldn't the Rangers trade?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Aces Finish 08 in First Place
In a turn of events that even their legions of faithful fans would admit is somewhat surprising, the Aces have finished the first half of the 2008-2009 season at the top of the Cedarvale heap. The apex, the summit, the pinnacle, top spot, numero uno. With a healthy lead, no less, according to team statistician Aubrey Spring.
The final match-up of 2008 saw the Blackshirts take on the Battlers, who brought out the big guns even before the game began. Strains of rock and/or roll could faintly be heard wafting through the air from their dressing room, and several players were seen to be engaging in a form of chemical enhancement in a vain attempt to bring their energy level up to that of the mighty Aces.
The Aces, meanwhile, were holding a silent prayer meeting before taking the ice, as is often their custom. All except Raj, that is. He was too busy listening to his new collection of inspirational Christian ska music on his mp3 player to hold hands with the rest of the boys. Check out the video:
Glorious stuff.
The game, if you're still interested after watching that stunning bit of video, was a see-saw affair that saw the teams trade leads throughout. The illicit beverage-induced boost enjoyed by the Battlers wore off after period 2, allowing the Aces to come from a 4-2 deficit to ultimately tie the game, praise Jesus. A pair of goals from newcomer Jeff, plus one each from team pastor Rich and team organist Andrew was enough to make up for the short bench, and the game ended in a very brotherly 4-4 draw.
The Aces would also like to welcome back Dick Van Dyke after an extended absence to attend seminary school.
Next game is next year, so happy holidays to everyone.
The final match-up of 2008 saw the Blackshirts take on the Battlers, who brought out the big guns even before the game began. Strains of rock and/or roll could faintly be heard wafting through the air from their dressing room, and several players were seen to be engaging in a form of chemical enhancement in a vain attempt to bring their energy level up to that of the mighty Aces.
The Aces, meanwhile, were holding a silent prayer meeting before taking the ice, as is often their custom. All except Raj, that is. He was too busy listening to his new collection of inspirational Christian ska music on his mp3 player to hold hands with the rest of the boys. Check out the video:
Glorious stuff.
The game, if you're still interested after watching that stunning bit of video, was a see-saw affair that saw the teams trade leads throughout. The illicit beverage-induced boost enjoyed by the Battlers wore off after period 2, allowing the Aces to come from a 4-2 deficit to ultimately tie the game, praise Jesus. A pair of goals from newcomer Jeff, plus one each from team pastor Rich and team organist Andrew was enough to make up for the short bench, and the game ended in a very brotherly 4-4 draw.
The Aces would also like to welcome back Dick Van Dyke after an extended absence to attend seminary school.
Next game is next year, so happy holidays to everyone.
Friday, December 5, 2008
So Long Joe
Wednesday December 3 was the final game of the season for Team Sherpa and noted philanthropist Joey 'Himalaya' Pilaar. As a parting gift, the team took delivery of some swanky new jerseys paid for by Joe and Himalayan Expeditions. So a giant thank you to Joe & Co. from all the Aces. Plus more thanks to Rich for acquiring the jerseys and to Art for creating the cool logo.
So what will Joe be up to once his tenure with the Aces comes to a close? Your Aces Cub Reporter has secured access to Joe's personal calendar for the next few months, which we bring to you now. Behold.
December 6-20 - Acapulco. Attending the SurfFest 09 conference, delivering keynote address "Surfboards as Sexual Totems in Post-Modern American Beach Culture".
December 21 - 31 - San Francisco. Guest lecturer at the Mission Hill School for Wayward Girls, will be presenting a slideshow of last year's HImalayan trek with the Grade 9 class. Q&A session to follow in the girls' washroom.
New Years Eve - Naked Skydiving over Yosemite Park with Angelina Jolie while Brad looks after the kids.
January 1 - February 28 - Whistler Village. Lead instructor in the 'Powder Skiing by Feel' class for a group of women from the Lower Mainland School for Hot Blind Chicks. All classes conclude with a special session in proper sauna techniques.
March 1 - March 30 - Nepal. Guiding the 2009 'Vaginas for Nepal' expedition, comprised entirely of 18 year old girls from the Swiss private school L'Ecole de Nymphonique du Canadienne. The goal of the expedition is to be the first to climb to Base Camp wearing nothing but short-skirted school uniforms and no underwear. Good luck Joe!
April 1 - Toronto. Back to Canada to take part in the victory celebration of the Black Aces Hockey club.
On a somewhat related note, the Aces whacked the Einstein dudes 2-0 on the strength of goals from the Other Joe and from Bruce, both lovely top shelf zingers. The NewShirts were backstopped once again by a very solid Raj, who made several big league caliber stops including a penalty shot.
The march to glory continues.
So what will Joe be up to once his tenure with the Aces comes to a close? Your Aces Cub Reporter has secured access to Joe's personal calendar for the next few months, which we bring to you now. Behold.
December 6-20 - Acapulco. Attending the SurfFest 09 conference, delivering keynote address "Surfboards as Sexual Totems in Post-Modern American Beach Culture".
December 21 - 31 - San Francisco. Guest lecturer at the Mission Hill School for Wayward Girls, will be presenting a slideshow of last year's HImalayan trek with the Grade 9 class. Q&A session to follow in the girls' washroom.
New Years Eve - Naked Skydiving over Yosemite Park with Angelina Jolie while Brad looks after the kids.
January 1 - February 28 - Whistler Village. Lead instructor in the 'Powder Skiing by Feel' class for a group of women from the Lower Mainland School for Hot Blind Chicks. All classes conclude with a special session in proper sauna techniques.
March 1 - March 30 - Nepal. Guiding the 2009 'Vaginas for Nepal' expedition, comprised entirely of 18 year old girls from the Swiss private school L'Ecole de Nymphonique du Canadienne. The goal of the expedition is to be the first to climb to Base Camp wearing nothing but short-skirted school uniforms and no underwear. Good luck Joe!
April 1 - Toronto. Back to Canada to take part in the victory celebration of the Black Aces Hockey club.
On a somewhat related note, the Aces whacked the Einstein dudes 2-0 on the strength of goals from the Other Joe and from Bruce, both lovely top shelf zingers. The NewShirts were backstopped once again by a very solid Raj, who made several big league caliber stops including a penalty shot.
The march to glory continues.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Battlers Battle Aces to a Pair of Deuces
The Aces spectacular season took a slight left turn this past wednesday as they came up against an amphetamine-assisted Bloor Battlers' squad and could only muster a 2-2 draw. Battlers' goalie Sparky McHugepants somehow absorbed nearly every shot sent his way, turning aside pucks like a 4x8 sheet of 3/8 plywood, although there were several close calls that would have sealed the deal for the blackshirts had they found the net.
The white-jerseyed-and-formerly-blue team (is that right? was this the blue team? I really can't keep this straight any more) was on a mission as they used an extra gear to hold back a smooth-skating Aces squad. A penalty box conversation between your humble scribe and an opposing ne'er-do-well went something like this:
me- 'what kind of goofballs are you cats hopped up on tonight, man?'
he - 'crystal meth, mostly, why?'
me - 'your defenseman just chewed through my stick on that last shift. And he was wearing a cage.'
he - 'well that's the only way we can compete against you guys. Your team is so deep in hockey talent that we can't stay with you unless we out-hustle you.'
me - 'uh, gee, thanks'
he - 'plus our goalie has a great connection for cheap pharmaceuticals. He's in the air force, and they give out the Go PIlls like they're candy. You want some? I got a few here in my glove.'
me - 'no thanks pardner, i prefer to get my highs the natural way'
he - 'you mean weed? i can get you some of that too if you want'
me - 'No, I mean the good clean natural feeling of playing the great Canadian game of hockey'
(long pause)
he - 'how about some ecstasy?'
me - 'now you're talking. See me after the game'
Goal scorers for the Black Boys of Cedarvale-abama were team hand model Bruce H with a lovely deflection (soft hands!) and team drummer Andrew T with a ripping wrist shot that somehow found it's way past the man with the 4x8 sheet of ply in his jersey.
Early game next week, beer to be supplied by yours truly. Hope you like Wildcat.
The white-jerseyed-and-formerly-blue team (is that right? was this the blue team? I really can't keep this straight any more) was on a mission as they used an extra gear to hold back a smooth-skating Aces squad. A penalty box conversation between your humble scribe and an opposing ne'er-do-well went something like this:
me- 'what kind of goofballs are you cats hopped up on tonight, man?'
he - 'crystal meth, mostly, why?'
me - 'your defenseman just chewed through my stick on that last shift. And he was wearing a cage.'
he - 'well that's the only way we can compete against you guys. Your team is so deep in hockey talent that we can't stay with you unless we out-hustle you.'
me - 'uh, gee, thanks'
he - 'plus our goalie has a great connection for cheap pharmaceuticals. He's in the air force, and they give out the Go PIlls like they're candy. You want some? I got a few here in my glove.'
me - 'no thanks pardner, i prefer to get my highs the natural way'
he - 'you mean weed? i can get you some of that too if you want'
me - 'No, I mean the good clean natural feeling of playing the great Canadian game of hockey'
(long pause)
he - 'how about some ecstasy?'
me - 'now you're talking. See me after the game'
Goal scorers for the Black Boys of Cedarvale-abama were team hand model Bruce H with a lovely deflection (soft hands!) and team drummer Andrew T with a ripping wrist shot that somehow found it's way past the man with the 4x8 sheet of ply in his jersey.
Early game next week, beer to be supplied by yours truly. Hope you like Wildcat.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Einsteins Outsmart Aces
The equation for the day was E=mcfail as the only remaining undefeated team in the COTHL finally went down to defeat this past wednesday.
The newly jerseyed Red squad took it to the Black Shirts, who were unable to solve for x (where x = goalie) for most of the night. Einsteins' goalie Neils Bohr was a like a human black hole, trapping every shot sent his way like so many stray photons in a gravitational field. At the other end the Aces' backup keeper, Werner Heisenberg, looked uncertain on a few goals that the laws of probability probably stated should not have gone in. No matter. The rest of the Aces were nothing but a weak force all night long, and failed to complete the quantum leap from league also-rans to superpower.
Final score: Einsteins 5, Black Shirted but Logo-less Aces 2.
The newly jerseyed Red squad took it to the Black Shirts, who were unable to solve for x (where x = goalie) for most of the night. Einsteins' goalie Neils Bohr was a like a human black hole, trapping every shot sent his way like so many stray photons in a gravitational field. At the other end the Aces' backup keeper, Werner Heisenberg, looked uncertain on a few goals that the laws of probability probably stated should not have gone in. No matter. The rest of the Aces were nothing but a weak force all night long, and failed to complete the quantum leap from league also-rans to superpower.
Final score: Einsteins 5, Black Shirted but Logo-less Aces 2.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Drug Tests Ordered for Entire Aces Hockey Club
Sources within the Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League are reporting that drug tests have been ordered for the entire Black Aces team after the Aces suspiciously dismantled a seemingly dominant White team this past Wednesday.
On paper, the 2 sides appeared evenly matched with the White squad possibly holding a slight advantage over the Black. On the ice however, a different story unfolded.
The first period and a half saw the teams battle it out more or less to a draw, with each team trading goals and leads early on. Then a miraculous thing began to happen – the Aces, former whipping boys of the COHL, put the hammer down and kept putting it down until they had built up a 6 goal lead. Power play goals? Check. Even strength? Check. Highlight reel beauties? Check. Ugly scrambles? Check.
Final Score: Aces 10, White Team 5
White team officials were on the phone to league drug enforcement types before the game had ended, complaining that the Aces had to have had some chemical enhancement to so thoroughly destroy their team.
Aces’ team spiritual advisor Osama Spring Laden had a different explanation, however. “God has willed that we strike our enemies with great force in 2008-2009” said OSL, “and we thank him for giving us the strength to do so. We would especially like to thank the Almighty for improving our powerplay, which now totally rocks.”
Team pharmacist Al Heavenrich denied reports that he had been supplying the Aces with performance-enhancing drugs. “All pharmaceuticals in use by our squad are being used to combat erectile dysfunction only” stated Heavenrich “This is a sensitive topic and I would appreciate you not bringing it up again.”
White team players were reported to be extremely unhappy with the ass-kicking they received on Wednesday, especially with the ‘salt in the wound’ goal scored by Aces warrior Ferris the Merciless with a scant 2 seconds to play in 3rd period. “That’s just mean” whined White team captain Girly McVaginal after the game. “And totally unnecessary too. Those bullies. Wait til I tell my dad.”
Other highlites included a lovelyreacharound wraparound by Ralph, a scorching Wendel Clark-like wrist shot from Rich, and once again some timely saves from Raj. Those pre-game Tony Robbins tapes are really doing the trick.
Next week: Late game vs the Battlers. Bring. It. On.
On paper, the 2 sides appeared evenly matched with the White squad possibly holding a slight advantage over the Black. On the ice however, a different story unfolded.
The first period and a half saw the teams battle it out more or less to a draw, with each team trading goals and leads early on. Then a miraculous thing began to happen – the Aces, former whipping boys of the COHL, put the hammer down and kept putting it down until they had built up a 6 goal lead. Power play goals? Check. Even strength? Check. Highlight reel beauties? Check. Ugly scrambles? Check.
Final Score: Aces 10, White Team 5
White team officials were on the phone to league drug enforcement types before the game had ended, complaining that the Aces had to have had some chemical enhancement to so thoroughly destroy their team.
Aces’ team spiritual advisor Osama Spring Laden had a different explanation, however. “God has willed that we strike our enemies with great force in 2008-2009” said OSL, “and we thank him for giving us the strength to do so. We would especially like to thank the Almighty for improving our powerplay, which now totally rocks.”
Team pharmacist Al Heavenrich denied reports that he had been supplying the Aces with performance-enhancing drugs. “All pharmaceuticals in use by our squad are being used to combat erectile dysfunction only” stated Heavenrich “This is a sensitive topic and I would appreciate you not bringing it up again.”
White team players were reported to be extremely unhappy with the ass-kicking they received on Wednesday, especially with the ‘salt in the wound’ goal scored by Aces warrior Ferris the Merciless with a scant 2 seconds to play in 3rd period. “That’s just mean” whined White team captain Girly McVaginal after the game. “And totally unnecessary too. Those bullies. Wait til I tell my dad.”
Other highlites included a lovely
Next week: Late game vs the Battlers. Bring. It. On.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Aces Ice Full House in Decisive Victory
Wednesday October 22 saw the league-leading Aces put together their best turnout in team history as they ran their impressive undefeated streak to the 6 month mark.
A total of 41 players crowded the team dressing room, including some who had not appeared at a league game since 1998. The freakish attendance spike meant the Aces would roll with 12 lines and 4 D plus a goalie.
The deep bench may have been a factor in the Aces' 7-3 spanking of the yellow team, as they were able to ice fresh legs for the entire game. A weary yellow squad just could not keep up with the relentless pressure exerted by the blackshirts, and after a close couple of periods the Aces pulled away for good in the 3rd.
The regulars would like to extend a big 'welcome back' to Mike, Joe, Paul, Brian, Bruce and 26 others whose names are now lost to history. See you in another five years?
Special mentions: to Raj for another solid effort between the pipes, Morris for being cool and efficient on D, and Mike and Joe for aggressive forechecking that led directly to at least two goals. Apologies to Aubrey for forgetting his unforgettable goal from last week. You remember that one, right? That one where he shot the puck and it went in. That's the one.
Next week: Early game.
A total of 41 players crowded the team dressing room, including some who had not appeared at a league game since 1998. The freakish attendance spike meant the Aces would roll with 12 lines and 4 D plus a goalie.
The deep bench may have been a factor in the Aces' 7-3 spanking of the yellow team, as they were able to ice fresh legs for the entire game. A weary yellow squad just could not keep up with the relentless pressure exerted by the blackshirts, and after a close couple of periods the Aces pulled away for good in the 3rd.
The regulars would like to extend a big 'welcome back' to Mike, Joe, Paul, Brian, Bruce and 26 others whose names are now lost to history. See you in another five years?
Special mentions: to Raj for another solid effort between the pipes, Morris for being cool and efficient on D, and Mike and Joe for aggressive forechecking that led directly to at least two goals. Apologies to Aubrey for forgetting his unforgettable goal from last week. You remember that one, right? That one where he shot the puck and it went in. That's the one.
Next week: Early game.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Aces Uber Alles Again
This past wednesday saw the Aces HC extend their undefeated streak to a league record 7 months with a solid 5-3 win over the Bloor Battlers. Going back to last season's playoff final, the black shirts have yet to lose a game.
Backed by some solid netminding from Raj, the Aces committed almost no errors over the course of the game and gave the usually dominant and usually blue-shirted Battlers a lesson in disciplined hockey.
Goal scorers: Ralph, Andrew, Art, Al, and... dang it, i can't remember. Sorry! That's what happens when you don't write up the game right away. Bad scribe, very bad.
On a related note, new jerseys are in the works. The team is going with the 'four aces' design submitted by Art. That's Art as in 'Art W.' not art as in, you know, 'art'. Nice art, Art.
Number choices for jerseys. The following numbers are not permitted:
pi
867-5309
666
69
00100010011100111000
XXV
All others are ok.
Early game next, Ralph is providing some cool refreshments for after the game.
Backed by some solid netminding from Raj, the Aces committed almost no errors over the course of the game and gave the usually dominant and usually blue-shirted Battlers a lesson in disciplined hockey.
Goal scorers: Ralph, Andrew, Art, Al, and... dang it, i can't remember. Sorry! That's what happens when you don't write up the game right away. Bad scribe, very bad.
On a related note, new jerseys are in the works. The team is going with the 'four aces' design submitted by Art. That's Art as in 'Art W.' not art as in, you know, 'art'. Nice art, Art.
Number choices for jerseys. The following numbers are not permitted:
pi
867-5309
666
69
00100010011100111000
XXV
All others are ok.
Early game next, Ralph is providing some cool refreshments for after the game.
Friday, October 10, 2008
What Kind of Hockey Player Are You?
This week's post is by Aces' Cub Reporter and backstop Raj Chockalingam. Take it away Raj...
It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Canada : summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup, as fans in an American city celebrate.
The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.
In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Old Puckers', 'Rusty Blades', 'Just the Tips' and 'Nine-Inch Males,' but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together.
As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:
Which one are you???
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the 'DD' Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job.
The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. ' Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.'
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass,man.
It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape.
They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
TheStanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy
This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy.
There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago.
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
* * *
Oh, the Aces won 6-1 on wednesday. Nicely done, men. - Jeff
It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Canada : summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup, as fans in an American city celebrate.
The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.
In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Old Puckers', 'Rusty Blades', 'Just the Tips' and 'Nine-Inch Males,' but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together.
As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:
Which one are you???
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the 'DD' Division title.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job.
The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. ' Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.'
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass,man.
It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape.
They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
TheStanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy
This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy.
There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago.
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
* * *
Oh, the Aces won 6-1 on wednesday. Nicely done, men. - Jeff
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Aces Score Commanding 6-6 Draw
In the opening contest of the Black Aces' bid to defend their championship season of 2007-2008, the team scored a decisive 6-6 draw with arch-nemesis Wyse Guys team.
After a bit of a slow start in the first 44 minutes of the game, the blackshirts came on strong in the final nanoseconds to dominate the contest, delivering a withering 6-6 drubbing to the Yellows and sending a strong message to the entire Cedarvale league. (That message: "We're happy with a tie")
Team chiropodist Barry Pervin bagged the deciding goal with 0.00002 seconds to play in regulation time, crushing the spirits of the opposing team in the process. Many players were seen weeping in the post-game handshake line.
Other goal-getters included new recruit and local talent Ralph, on a nifty inside-out move, Art W with a pair (including one on a lovely give-and-go with Bob), Rich W with a goal so spectacular it has been wiped clean from my memory by its white-hot brilliance, and Andrew with a crafty bank shot that eluded the Wyse Guys' netminder.
Raj posted a solid performance between the pipes but for 6 brief lapses, making several key saves behind a defense that was perhaps a little too polite to the opposing team for much of the night. (Mea culpa).
No mention will be made here of Al or Joe, who cast their lot with the yellow team and perhaps prevented their comrades from notching a 'W'. Though they did do their best to take foolish penalties.
The most important development of the night, however, was not on the ice at all. Starting next week, post-game beverages are to be provided each week not by team mascot Aubrey but by a rotating lineup of players. The choice of brand(s) each week should be interesting. Premium imported or budget brand 'old man' suds? Tall boys or standard? The suspense is almost too much to bear.
Next week: late game again. Opponent: Warriors (white team). Raj is bringing the beer.
After a bit of a slow start in the first 44 minutes of the game, the blackshirts came on strong in the final nanoseconds to dominate the contest, delivering a withering 6-6 drubbing to the Yellows and sending a strong message to the entire Cedarvale league. (That message: "We're happy with a tie")
Team chiropodist Barry Pervin bagged the deciding goal with 0.00002 seconds to play in regulation time, crushing the spirits of the opposing team in the process. Many players were seen weeping in the post-game handshake line.
Other goal-getters included new recruit and local talent Ralph, on a nifty inside-out move, Art W with a pair (including one on a lovely give-and-go with Bob), Rich W with a goal so spectacular it has been wiped clean from my memory by its white-hot brilliance, and Andrew with a crafty bank shot that eluded the Wyse Guys' netminder.
Raj posted a solid performance between the pipes but for 6 brief lapses, making several key saves behind a defense that was perhaps a little too polite to the opposing team for much of the night. (Mea culpa).
No mention will be made here of Al or Joe, who cast their lot with the yellow team and perhaps prevented their comrades from notching a 'W'. Though they did do their best to take foolish penalties.
The most important development of the night, however, was not on the ice at all. Starting next week, post-game beverages are to be provided each week not by team mascot Aubrey but by a rotating lineup of players. The choice of brand(s) each week should be interesting. Premium imported or budget brand 'old man' suds? Tall boys or standard? The suspense is almost too much to bear.
Next week: late game again. Opponent: Warriors (white team). Raj is bringing the beer.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Pick-A-Logo Time
The Blackshirts are due for some newshirts in 2008-2009. To that end, we have secured the services of a renowned (in his own mind) graphic designer to provide a new team logo, crest, what have you.
Here are the options:
The Big A, seen here. A saucy little number that says "we're the alpha dogs of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League". Take that, rival hockey team dudes.
Next up, this vaguely atomic-looking creation with a hint of the retro naming convention (the HC stands for 'hockey club', not 'highly contagious' or 'haute couture').
So place your votes using the vote widget over on the right.
Here are the options:
The Big A, seen here. A saucy little number that says "we're the alpha dogs of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League". Take that, rival hockey team dudes.
Next up, this vaguely atomic-looking creation with a hint of the retro naming convention (the HC stands for 'hockey club', not 'highly contagious' or 'haute couture').
So place your votes using the vote widget over on the right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)