End of an Era?

 Dear Aces, 

As your faithful scribe and Aces D-man lo these almost 20 years now, it pains me to tell you that I will not be acting in either capacity for the 2020-2021 season.

Since olden times have I endeavoured to record the 100% true adventures of the Black Aces Hockey Club, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Like the time the team defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs in a friendly midnight shinny contest at Phil White Arena (the outdoor rink) while Zamboni Girl go-go danced wearing nothing but white cowboy boots in a cage over centre ice. Or the time we all flew in Borje Salming's private jet to the Swedish Ice Hotel while we left behind a team of homeless guys to take our place against the White team (we won). Will we ever get the smell out of our equipment?

Good times. 

Zeus willing I will be back next season, but between COVID and some lingering injuries I have decided to sit this one out.

Carry on the tradition, Aces. Bring back the cup.

Your humble scribe and defender, 

J

COVID 19, Aces 0

Dear Aces, as we grind through this current period of imposed social distancing and/or total isolation, we find ourselves with some time to reflect on the season just past and what we must do to prepare for ultimate victory once hockey becomes a legal activity again.

Please take 30 seconds to ponder the 2019-2020 season and how we can improve for next year. Ready? Begin.

...

Good, now that that’s out of the way we can get to more important matters, like “how can I keep from going insane while I’m shut inside my house with my family?”

In the interest of team solidarity and mental health, I have compiled a list of activities guaranteed to combat pandemic-induced anxiety and get us through this trying time.

Please select an activity from the list and provide the rest of the team with regular updates.

Activity #1: Sticks

• Find a tall tree in your neighbourhood.
• Chop it down (be discreet - we don’t want to alert the City).
• Now find a comfortable chair and a sharp knife.
• Your task is to whittle a complete set of sticks for the team in time for the start of next season.

Activity #2: Pizza

• Make a pizza from scratch.
• That includes planting, growing, harvesting and processing your own wheat into flour, and growing and harvesting your own tomatoes and other ingredients.

Optional for non-vegetarians:

• acquire a cow.
• Milk the cow and turn the milk into cheese.
• Humanely slaughter the cow and turn the meat into pepperoni. There are some good videos on YouTube for this.
• deliver slices to each member of team, remembering to maintain your 2 metre safe distance

Activity #3: COVID masks

• go to each player’s home and pick up all the old Black Aces jerseys (we will leave them on the porch for you)
• launder each jersey thoroughly
• cut into 10x10 pieces and sew into N95 compliant face masks
• deliver to your nearest hospital ICU or COVID testing centre

Activity #4: Take a hike

• pack a big lunch
• walk to Mike K’s place (in Bayfield)
• wave to Mike from a safe distance
• collect pack lunch provided by Mike and left on porch
• walk home
• watch for coyotes

Activity #5: Kama Solo

• work your way through all 36 chapters of the Kama Sutra, making sure to try every sexual position at least once
• since you’ll be doing this without coming closer to your partner than 2 metres, this could pose a challenge
• please do not post any photos on Instagram

Activity #6: Clone a clone.

• build a fully functioning lab with all equipment necessary for cloning human life
• kidnap and subdue a high-scoring NHL centreman of your choice. They are all drunk and depressed right now, so this part should be easy
• acquire stem cells from your NHL centreman
• clone him
• very important: have your NHL centreman sign a non-disclosure agreement before releasing him back into the wild
• the clone should be fully grown and ready to skate come opening day next season

If anyone has any other projects or activities they’s like to share, please do.

Stay healthy, Aces. Don’t go out if you don’t have to, and for god’s sake don’t touch anything.

Black Like You

Some pre-playoff inspiration for you, Black Aces. Please enjoy this setlist of modern tunes from People Named Black.

A Brief History of Sandbagging

A young John Tory praises the Aces' sandbagging technique in 1935

In their quest for a 7th COTHL championship, local ice hockey team the Black Aces have decided on a devious strategy they hope will lull opponents into a false sense of superiority going into the playoffs: sandbaggery.

This time-honoured technique has been used successfully by sporting enthusiasts since semi-sentient slime moulds rose up on their hind pseudopods and invented American football back in the early Palezoic era, so this could be a wise decision by the Aces.

Here then is a Brief History of Sandbagging in Sports, and Other Areas of Interest.

Date: End of Cretaceous Era, 65 million years ago
Sandbaggers: Mammals

Prior to this date, dinosaurs had ruled the earth with an iron claw for hundreds of millions of years. That made them complacent, not to mention kind of dumb. Mammals, recently evolved, were finding it difficult to slot into a productive niche in the food chain in spite of their superior intelligence. One saturday evening, Bob, an early version of a modern day shrew, was looking through his telescope when he spotted a huge asteroid bearing down on the earth. After some quick calculations, Bob determined the most likely time of impact and posted a warning to MammalBook and alerting mammals everywhere to dig holes and get underground. Long story short, the comet wiped out the big dumb dinosaurs and the mammals were saved thanks to Bob and more importantly thanks to sandbagging. Fun fact: the few dinos that did survive evolved into birds and invented Twitter as a hedge against such a scenario ever happening again.

Date: 1967
Sandbaggers: The Toronto Maple Leafs

By retaining the oldest lineup in the NHL, the 1967 Leafs were able to successfully convince the Montreal Canadiens, their opponents in the cup finals, that they were over the hill and could be taken lightly. Not so. As every man woman and child within the 416 area code is required by law to know, the Leafs defeated the Habs in 6 games that year to take the cup. Having so expertly executed this sandbagging plan in 1967, the organization has made it their permanent strategy ever since, with steady results. Some years it's a team of oldtimers, other years it's a lineup of unskilled minor-league journeymen and alcoholics. More recently the strategy has evolved to cleverly include highly skilled dipsy-doodlers who just don't give a fuck, but the results have been consistent: the Stanley Cup is always coming to town "next year".

Date: 2001
Sandbagger: Lance Armstrong

Riding up the fabled Alp d'Huez climb in the 2001 Tour de France, Lance Armstrong appeared to be struggling. German rider and main rival Jan Ullrich looked strong and had his teammates with him, but somehow Armstrong managed to stay with Ullrich and a small group of riders, none of whom were using any performance-enhancing drugs because that would be cheating. Armstrong, also completely drug-free, suddenly stood on his pedals and looked back at Ullrich as if to say "I am a totally clean athlete and I will defeat you, Jan, my closest rival and also totally clean athlete." He then powered away from the pack at what looked like superhuman speed but was actually just a super human not powered by illegal performance-enhancing substances. Armstrong went on to win the Tour de France that year and 6 more times before retiring as the greatest cyclist of all time to never use performance-enhancing drugs.*

*not really.

Date: 2020
Sandbaggers: The Black Aces

Several years removed from their last COTHL championship, the Aces find themselves in 2nd place in league standings heading into the final weeks of the year. Worried that their considerable strengths might be too much on display and therefore attract the attention of their playoff rivals, the team decides to pump the brakes down the stretch. Sure, anyone can lose to Blue, but losing to White? Twice in a row? That takes careful planning and execution. Luckily the Aces are up to the task, losing to perennial doormats the Warriors not once, but twice in succession. Latest game: a 4-1 strategic victory (aka loss) that sets them up perfectly for a run deep into the playoffs.

Everything is unfolding according to plan.

Introducing RoboScribe

Dear Aces Players,

It has come to the attention of Management that the Team Scribe has not been meeting the required quota of game reports this season. In the interest of team morale and of maintaining the proper flow of vital information to all players after games, Management has secured the services of an Artificial Intelligence Agent, or bot, to step in whenever our lazy scribe can’t be arsed to write a game report.

For weeks when game reports are not posted, please refer back to this page for a report created by RoboScribe, our AI bot and newest team member.

Instructions

1. Load the page. Don’t like the result? Re-load the page and RoboScribe will instantly re-write the game report.
2. Repeat until satisfied.

Here we go:

Pre-Approved Pre-Game Conversation Starters for Aces

Phil White Arena Smoking Room

In their most recent COTHL match, local hockey club the Black Aces came up on the short end of a 5-2 score against arch-rivals the Battlers. Players and close observers of the beloved team noted that the pre-game dressing room banter, normally lively and spirited, was on this day somewhat lacklustre.

Was the lack of witty repartee somehow related to the Aces’ sub-par on-ice performance? Possibly. But the team is not taking any chances.

In an effort to remedy this possibly dire state of affairs, Aces senior management has compiled a list of topics designed to spark pre-game conversation amongst active players, with the aim of inspiring the team to put in a better effort on the ice.

Instructions

• Aces players are to be in the room no less than 20 minutes before game time.
• Players should split into 2 groups: forwards in one group, defensemen and goaltenders (Pete T is considered a part-time goaltender) in another.
• One topic per game for each group is to be drawn at random from the puck bag

Topics

For Forwards

“Is light beer really beer?”
“How much can you bench?”
“What’s better, a Ford F150 or a Dodge Ram?”
“Vegas: just like fucking Disneyland now with all the families and kids and shit”
“Heart vs Zeppelin: who rocks harder?”
“Zamboni Girl: would ya hit that?”

For Defensemen & Goaltenders

“Bordeaux versus Provence wine regions: compare and contrast”
“Asteroid impacts and the end of the last ice age: discuss this theory in depth”
“Which do you think drives better, the Aston Martin Superleggera or the Aston Martin Vantage?”
“Monaco: not what it used to be now that commoners and footballers are permitted to enter”
“Puccini vs Mozart: who wrote the greatest opera?”
“Zamboni Girl: would ya hit that?

Aces Undefeated in this Decade

Yes. A Lego Zamboni. Because why not?

Local hockey team the Black Aces ran their record for the 2020s to a sparkling 2 and 0 this past week as they cruised to yet another victory over perennial whipping boys the Warriors. Once a proud team with a winning record, the Warriors are now but a shadow of their former selves.

The Aces tried to bolster the Warriors’ lineup by loaning them 2 players and a new pair of skates, but it was not enough. Not even a traitorous goal late in the game from 3PeteD was enough, and the blackshirts took the game 5-3. A pair of goals from Bruce H plus a hat-trick from Paul M was enough to seal the W.

Aces goalie John Goalie was back in the net after successful surgery to re-attach his catching hand, which was put to occasional use during the game.

This game followed a decisive victory over the Wyse Guys in the opening game of the new decade, a game your humble scribe was unable to attend but which, he has been assured, was a thing of beauty.

The Aces are split on whether to continue the season or call it a decade, however, and have split into two opposing camps.

“It’s been a good run” said winger and inexpert shot-blocker Jake G. “I say we go out on a high note.”

Not all Aces agree. Team cryptobiologist Martin L favours completing the season “Or at least until Pete S can play one more game and start a riot. We owe him that much, don’t we?”

Other options include inviting all former Aces players back for one more game (current players will watch from the stands or run the bench as the the old-timers take the ice), challenging the other teams to a rock-paper-scissors-spock tournament instead of the playoffs, or just meeting at Ferro’s every wednesday night for some beers and a couple of pies.

Watch for the vote on BenchApp.