A Brief History of Sandbagging

A young John Tory praises the Aces' sandbagging technique in 1935

In their quest for a 7th COTHL championship, local ice hockey team the Black Aces have decided on a devious strategy they hope will lull opponents into a false sense of superiority going into the playoffs: sandbaggery.

This time-honoured technique has been used successfully by sporting enthusiasts since semi-sentient slime moulds rose up on their hind pseudopods and invented American football back in the early Palezoic era, so this could be a wise decision by the Aces.

Here then is a Brief History of Sandbagging in Sports, and Other Areas of Interest.

Date: End of Cretaceous Era, 65 million years ago
Sandbaggers: Mammals

Prior to this date, dinosaurs had ruled the earth with an iron claw for hundreds of millions of years. That made them complacent, not to mention kind of dumb. Mammals, recently evolved, were finding it difficult to slot into a productive niche in the food chain in spite of their superior intelligence. One saturday evening, Bob, an early version of a modern day shrew, was looking through his telescope when he spotted a huge asteroid bearing down on the earth. After some quick calculations, Bob determined the most likely time of impact and posted a warning to MammalBook and alerting mammals everywhere to dig holes and get underground. Long story short, the comet wiped out the big dumb dinosaurs and the mammals were saved thanks to Bob and more importantly thanks to sandbagging. Fun fact: the few dinos that did survive evolved into birds and invented Twitter as a hedge against such a scenario ever happening again.

Date: 1967
Sandbaggers: The Toronto Maple Leafs

By retaining the oldest lineup in the NHL, the 1967 Leafs were able to successfully convince the Montreal Canadiens, their opponents in the cup finals, that they were over the hill and could be taken lightly. Not so. As every man woman and child within the 416 area code is required by law to know, the Leafs defeated the Habs in 6 games that year to take the cup. Having so expertly executed this sandbagging plan in 1967, the organization has made it their permanent strategy ever since, with steady results. Some years it's a team of oldtimers, other years it's a lineup of unskilled minor-league journeymen and alcoholics. More recently the strategy has evolved to cleverly include highly skilled dipsy-doodlers who just don't give a fuck, but the results have been consistent: the Stanley Cup is always coming to town "next year".

Date: 2001
Sandbagger: Lance Armstrong

Riding up the fabled Alp d'Huez climb in the 2001 Tour de France, Lance Armstrong appeared to be struggling. German rider and main rival Jan Ullrich looked strong and had his teammates with him, but somehow Armstrong managed to stay with Ullrich and a small group of riders, none of whom were using any performance-enhancing drugs because that would be cheating. Armstrong, also completely drug-free, suddenly stood on his pedals and looked back at Ullrich as if to say "I am a totally clean athlete and I will defeat you, Jan, my closest rival and also totally clean athlete." He then powered away from the pack at what looked like superhuman speed but was actually just a super human not powered by illegal performance-enhancing substances. Armstrong went on to win the Tour de France that year and 6 more times before retiring as the greatest cyclist of all time to never use performance-enhancing drugs.*

*not really.

Date: 2020
Sandbaggers: The Black Aces

Several years removed from their last COTHL championship, the Aces find themselves in 2nd place in league standings heading into the final weeks of the year. Worried that their considerable strengths might be too much on display and therefore attract the attention of their playoff rivals, the team decides to pump the brakes down the stretch. Sure, anyone can lose to Blue, but losing to White? Twice in a row? That takes careful planning and execution. Luckily the Aces are up to the task, losing to perennial doormats the Warriors not once, but twice in succession. Latest game: a 4-1 strategic victory (aka loss) that sets them up perfectly for a run deep into the playoffs.

Everything is unfolding according to plan.