Black Christmas

The F*** is wrong with you guys?

In their most recent game against cross-town rivals the Bloor Battlers, local hockey legends the Black Aces suffered what appeared to be a power failure in the late going, eventually falling 4-3 to the blue team in white sweaters.

“The cause of the late game fade is still under investigation” said team professional shopper Rod P after the game. “We have a team of psychics working day and night to determine the source of this tragedy and will be holding a press conference as soon as results have been verified.”


Just in case the root cause of the crash is a lack of inspiration, your humble scribe has contacted his good pal Santa, and in the spirit of Christmas hereby offers a quick fix in the form of presents for players who play nice, and punishments for players who make naughty plays.

Naughty Play	Result
clearing pass giveaway	lump of coal in hockey bag
offside	can of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (no goal)	two cans of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (goal)	an actual old speckled hen
not back-checking	A full-back tattoo of a unicorn done by Guido at Tats R Us. Guido is legally blind, 90 years old and has Parkinsons disease.
suicide pass to the blueline	Suicide wing sauce applied liberally to the “gentleman’s area”, followed by 60 minutes in a dry sauna.
allowing a soft goal	A one year cancellation of player’s viagra prescription
forgetting the beer	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl. On an actual Zamboni.

Nice Play	Result
actually playing the correct position	one free beer at Ferro’s
getting the goddam puck out of the defensive zone	prime parking spot at Phil White Arena
an ugly goal	a pair of tickets to a Leafs game
winning a faceoff, offensive zone	dinner with Bill Shatner
stopping a 2 on 1	A "2 on 1" with Zamboni Girl and her friend Tractor Chick. They'll show you what a snow plow is.
a pretty goal	a pair of tickets to a Marlies game
the winning goal in the playoffs	brunch with God
bringing the good beers	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl's mom. On an actual Zamboni.

And just in case this didn't inspire / put the fear of God into you, here's a little extra inspiration for all the Aces players. Headphones on, volume way up. Maybe not watch this one at work. Hint: stay with it, it gets interesting at around the 2:30 mark.

Aces Recap and General Parade Plans

After a brief hiatus, it's time to catch up on what the Black Aces have been up to this year.

October 7: Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2

Date: October 8, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Dear Stan,

Great talking with you today at the store. Please accept this email as confirmation of my order for equipment and supplies for the end-of-season victory parade for the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here’s the order again:

• 2 extra long flatbed trailers
• 3 bouncy castles filled with champagne-flavoured foam
• 6 stripper poles (2 red, 2 silver, 2 gold)
• 12 exotic dancers (6 plus-sized, 6 in regular skank-size)
• 12 cases of Dom Perignon on ice
• 1 generator truck, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests U2
• 100 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 10 fog machines
• 2 complete laser lighting rigs
• 1 suckling pig, roasting on a spit
• 8 drones with 3D high-definition video cameras to record the parade

If you could talk to your connection in the Canadian Air Force about that flyover that would be great. I’ll see if we have it in the budget.

Regards,

Aubrey

---

October 28: Aces few, Battlers way more

Aaaaaaaaaaaay-Seeeeeeeeezzzz!!!!!!!

Date: October 29, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Hey Stan,

Just a quick note to update my order for the Aces’ victory parade. Maybe cancel that second extra long flatbed, the guys in Nickelback say they only need a regular sized one for their gear. Here’s the rest of the order now, with a couple of other small changes:

• 1 extra long flatbed trailer, 1 standard length
• 2 bouncy castles filled with Gillette foamy shave cream
• 3 stripper poles (1 red, 1 silver, 1 gold)
• 6 exotic dancers (all plus-sized)
• 12 cases of Baby Duck
• 1 generator truck, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests Nickelback
• 100 10 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 10 pounds of dry ice and laundry tub
• 2 20’ strings of LED Christmas lights
• 1 honey glazed ham, in the tin
• 8 drones 1 Ryerson grad with a GoPro, on a bicycle, to record the parade

Thanks bro,

Aubrey

---

November 18: Aces 7, Battlers 4

Date: November 19, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Yo, Stan, ‘sup?

You know that order I placed a while back, the one I made the changes to? I think I need to make a couple more. I swear this is my final update. The Aces are as good as gold to win the COTHL again this year. Here we go:

• 2 extra long flatbed trailers
• 3 bouncy castles filled with champagne-flavoured foam and condoms
• 3 8 stripper poles (4 black, 2 silver, 2 gold)
• 6 12 exotic dancers (6 plus-sized, 3 in regular skank-size, 3 ‘little people’)
• 15 cases of Crystal on ice, bitch
• 2 generator trucks, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests U2, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and very special guest Adele.
• 100 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 100 dozen red roses (for Adele, it's in her rider)
• 4 white Bengal tiger cubs
• 10 fog machines
• 3 wind machines
• 2 bubble machines
• 2 complete laser lighting rigs
• 6 t-shirt cannons, each loaded with 25 Black Aces T-shirts
• 1 complete cow, roasting on a spit
• 1 10’ tall chocolate fountain filled with dark chocolate and black smarties (I mean it, no other colours. I don’t want to see any of those shitty yellow smarties in there, Stan)
• 8 drones with 3D high-definition video cameras to broadcast the parade live to satellite
• A solid gold throne with the number “4” written on it in diamonds. With a velvet seat.

That should do it. Go Aces!

Aubster

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November 25: Wyse Guys 7, Aces 1

With cheese!

Date: November 26, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Dear Stan,

I hope it’s not too late to change that last order. Some things have come up, we’re going to have to scale back the parade just... a... little... bit. Sorry. Here’s the new order, please call me back if you need anything else:

• 1 1998 Ford F150 pickup truck, back gate optional
• 1 child-sized bouncy castle filled with Canadian Tire money
• 8 candy canes
• 3 exotic dancers (just the 3 ‘little people’)
• 3 cases of Old Speckled Hen
• 1 portable generator, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests Rich, Jeff, Mike and Pete
• 1 dozen packs of black licorice (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 100 dozen red roses 
• 4 white tiger cubs 2 white long-haired cats from the Toronto Humane Society
• 10 packs of Marlborough lights + 2 bic lighters
• 3 hand-held battery-powered fans
• 1 bubble gum machine
• 1 10’ string of LED Christmas lights
• 6 t-shirt slingshots, each loaded with 1 Black Aces T-shirt
• 1 tin of Spam (with cheese)
• 1 box of Smarties, and make sure we get ALL the colours.
• 1 3rd grader with an Etch-a-Sketch to record the parade
• 1 kitchen stool with the number “4” written on it in black sharpie. Keep the velvet seat.

Thanks buddy, you’re the best!

Aubrey

---

December 2: Aces 3, Warriors 1

I love you guys

Date: December 3, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Stan - Sorry to have to make more changes to that order, I hope this is the last time I need to do that. I’m thinking now that quality over quantity is the way to go, amiright? Of course I am. Here’s the new order:

• 1 stretch Hummer, the one with all the sunroofs
• 1 stripper pole, candy-cane coloured
• 1 exotic dancer
• 1 case of Grey Goose vodka
• 6 cases of Corona, pre-limed
• 1 large portable generator, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guest William Shatner
• 3 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 2 dozen red roses (for the Aces’ #1 fan, Zamboni Girl)
• 10 packs of Marlborough lights + 2 bic lighters (also for Zamboni Girl)
• 3 hand-held Japanese paper fans (also for Zamboni Girl)
• 1 autographed photo of Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys
• 1 green laser pointer for each player on the Aces
• 25 Black Aces T-shirts
• 8 large pizzas from Ferro’s
• 10 boxes of black Smarties, each with a white number 4 on it
• 1 3rd year OCAD fine arts student to post photos of the parade on Instagram
• 1 La-Z-Boy sofa with black throw cushions embossed the numbers 1 through 4 on one side, and 2013 through 2016 on the other.

That should do it. I’ll drop by the store with the team credit card next week, Stan.

Cheers,

Aubrey

Operation Snowfall Urgent Update

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT A 'BATTLER' IS!!!

To:
Kxx Gxxxxx, Director, DARPA Experimental Cybernetics Division
From:
Jxxx Mxxxxxxxx, Special Field Agent, US Army Intelligence (Northern Territory)

Subject: possible recovery of missing cybernetic warfare unit

Dear Director Gxxxxx,

Please be advised that on November 18, 2015 at approximately 22:00 hours, our remote SIGINT listening array at location lat 43.7, lon -79.4 (Toronto Canada) initiated an automated Level 5 alarm, indicating the presence of a missing top secret experimental cybernetic warfare unit, in this instance the highly classified and dangerous Marktronic 5000 unit.

If you will refer to the file CWU-77465 attached with this message you will see that the Marktronic 5000 was originally developed as part of ‘Operation Snowfall’, the army’s classified plan to invade Canada. Each Marktronic 5000 unit was programmed to destroy key targets on command, but was also programmed to infiltrate Canadian society until the invasion go-ahead was given by the Pentagon. Certain skills specific to Canadians were programmed into each unit as cover - shoveling snow, apologizing, the ability to drink something called a ‘double double’. There were 12 units deployed, but when the invasion plans were cancelled only 11 were recovered. That was in 1998. Marktronic 5000 Unit #12 has been missing ever since.

Our electronic listening system’s alarm was triggered last week when Unit #12’s specific Canadian Skill - in this case, the ability to excel at ice hockey - went into overdrive during local hockey team the Black Aces’ 7-4 win over COTHL rivals the Bloor Battlers. 

The Marktronic 5000 Unit #12 scored 5 times during that game, far outpacing the rest of the team (for the record, I should also add that additional goals were scored by Joe D and Rod P). We believe that it’s self-control chip may be malfunctioning. If this is true, it must be recovered as soon as possible, or mass carnage may result. If the chip shuts down completely the entire city could be in danger of being scored upon repeatedly until complete social breakdown results.

I recommend putting Plan ZG416 into operation immediately. Please refer to the attached file EMERG-MU12-ZG for full operational details. In brief the plan calls for the immediate deployment of Special Sleeper Agent Axxxxx Fxx, aka ‘Zamboni Girl’, who coincidentally has been maintaining contact with the Black Aces team since the 2014-2015 season. 

I await your instructions in this most urgent matter, as the next game is only 48 hours from now.

A Black Aces Pictorial

A hockey team, much like a fine automobile or a Swiss watch actually made in Switzerland, is a finely tuned machine. Take away a key component and things will rapidly break down. The Black Aces learned this the hard way in their latest game, as they took the ice without a vital piece of their carefully architected team - a man who can always be counted on to provide timely scoring and seemingly magical moves when the Aces need it most. I’m speaking of course about Aubrey S, who for the past 2 weeks has been on a mission abroad to secure the team its much-needed supply of delicious Indian beer.

How did the Aces do against the Battlers this past week? Perhaps this brief pictorial presentation will explain.

Thus ends the Aces 11 game undefeated streak. So now what? 

Double Victory for the Aces

The Black Aces kept their undefeated streak alive in their latest game, pulling out a 4-4 tie against arch rivals the Wyse Guys. This means the Aces have not lost in their last 10 games going back to their triumphant 2014-2015 season, including the playoffs. A pair of goals for power forward Mark plus one each for Ralph and Mike were enough to get over some weird goals that got past Aces' netminder John.

New man Alex finally was granted permission from all 6 of his girlfriends to attend the game and put in a solid game on D.

In related news, the Aces somehow took the St Paul's riding in the Federal election tonight, edging out the Liberal, NDP and CPC candidates even though they didn't run a campaign and were not supposed to be on the ballot. A perplexed Peter Mansbridge contacted the Aces' spokesman and professional chai wallah Aubrey after the votes were counted.

PM - Hello Aubrey. Can you please explain to Canadians, and especially to the people the Toronto riding of St Paul, just how the Black Aces - do i have that right? - pulled off this unexpected victory.

Aubrey - I'm sorry Peter, reception here in Kerala is not so great tonight. Also, I'm drunk. But I'm proud of the guys for running a great campaign.

PM - But that's just it, there was no campaign. No one can explain how they even got on the ballot. How do you explain it?

Aubrey - Sorry Peter, I have to go. I'm just about to dig into a really nice plate of aloo gobi and palak paneer. Go Aces!

Cut to: INTERIOR, A GIRLS BEDROOM. A LARGE 30-SOMETHING WOMAN IS FLOPPED ON THE BED, WRITING IN A DIARY. SHE IS WEARING WORK BOOTS AND TRACK PANTS UNDER A LUMBERJACKET AND A HAND-DRAWN BLACK ACES T-SHIRT.

Dear Diary, it's been months since I got fired from my sweet zamboni driving job at Phil White Arena, but I have spent that time wisely and tonight it all paid off. The Aces pulled off a victory in the election tonight, all because of me. And speaking of pulling things off, sure I had to go on a lot of 'dates' with a lot of guys (and the occasional girl) to lock up those votes but it was worth it. Now my Aces' crush will go out with me for sure, right after he removes that restraining order. I just know it. 
Go Aces!

David Price Will be Ready on Wednesday

I am so ready.

Controversy is still swirling in T.O. after today's big Jays win over Texas in game 4 of the ALDS, as the team's starting pitching rotation seems up in the air. Ace David Price went into the game to relieve R.A. Dickey in the 5th inning with the Jays ahead 7-1, giving up 3 runs and 6 hits on 50 pitches.

The big question now is whether Price will be ready to play again on wednesday, with only 2 days rest. Jays' coach John Gibbons says Price will not be ready to go on wednesday. "No way" said Gibbons after the game "There's just not enough time for David to recover from today's game."

David Price on the other hand has other ideas for this coming wednesday. Here's a transcript of his post-game interview with SportsNet's Barry Davis.

SN "David, the coach says you are definitely not going to be pitching in game 5. What do you think of that decision?"
DP "Oh I'll be ready, don't you worry."
SN "So you think 2 days rest is enough recovery time?"
SP "Absolutely. I'll be lacing them up on the forward line with Mark and Ralph this wednesday. I can't wait."
SN "Mark and Ralph..."
DP "That's right. First line all the way. Go Aces!"
SN "What are you even talking about?"
SP "The Black Aces, man. My favourite beer league hockey team. I love those guys and I can't wait to hit the ice with them. I mean, there's no way in hell I'll be able to throw a baseball by wednesday so this is my chance to skate with the Aces. I'm really glad the coach put me in the game today, otherwise I'd have to start game 5 for the Jays."
SN "I didn't even know you could skate, David."
DP "I can't. Yet. I've got 48 hours to learn though. How hard can it be? Joe Himalaya promised me he'd loan me his skates, he's going to be off in Australia for the World Shark Wrestling Championships so he won't need them. Thanks Joe!"

In less startling news, the Aces pulled off their third consecutive win in their most recent game, downing the Bloor Battlers 4-2 in a game that featured more than a few penalties and an impromptu lesson in How to Dive by Aces diving instructor Pete S. Another solid game in the nets from John (can someone please get him a new Aces sweater? He's earned it) plus goals from Mark (2), Joe D-S and Ralph and the Battlers were done. The Aces are now a perfect 3-0 on the season.

Тузы Добро пожаловать Новый игрок

Zamboni Girl encourages the Aces as they prepare to open up several cans of whoop-ass on the Wyse Guys.

Local hockey team the Black Aces continued to roll into the 2015-2016 season in the W column this past week as they held on to defeat a determined Warriors squad 4-3. Goals by Mark, Joe, Aubrey and Pete S were enough to offset the Warriors and a questionable slapshot no-goal + penalty = Warriors goal.

The Aces D was in fine form too, especially with the return of Gerry, Simon and pirate-in-training Al, all missing from Game 1. Maybe too fine? New goalie and former Aces stalker John is already so comforatable behind the Aces D that he has begun experimenting with new and novel ways to corral shots coming from beyond the centre red line. He still hasn't perfected his technique but the rest of the Aces are looking forward to more of John's hilariously creative "puckstopping" over the course of the 2015-2016 season.

In other big news, the Aces are set to welcome the newest addition to an already foridable lineup: Alex K, formerly of the Russian Federation and now working towards a Canadian citizenship. Pro tip, Alex - don't wear a niqab when you take the oath, it upsets the locals.

A little bio info about the newest Ace

Name: Alex K
Age:   40 plus a day
Former occupations:

• personal bodyguard to Vladimir Putin
• bear trainer
• MIG fighter pilot
• reindeer salesman

Some say this day was actually foretold in prophecy. Russian and Canadian scholars continue to debate this, but this 1923 painting by Russian master Wassily Kandinsky clearly depicts Alex in a Black Aces sweater helping the team to vanquish their COTHL rivals.

This is obviously a scene from Phil White Arena

Alex, the Aces are no strangers to Things That Are Russian. You can catch up on some of that history in these vintage blog posts:

• Russian Federation annexes Black Aces
• Aces Training Program Pays Dividends
• Aces Hacked by Russian Cyber Criminals

Another late game this week, this time against the Battlers. Победы!!