Black Christmas

The F*** is wrong with you guys?

In their most recent game against cross-town rivals the Bloor Battlers, local hockey legends the Black Aces suffered what appeared to be a power failure in the late going, eventually falling 4-3 to the blue team in white sweaters.

“The cause of the late game fade is still under investigation” said team professional shopper Rod P after the game. “We have a team of psychics working day and night to determine the source of this tragedy and will be holding a press conference as soon as results have been verified.”


Just in case the root cause of the crash is a lack of inspiration, your humble scribe has contacted his good pal Santa, and in the spirit of Christmas hereby offers a quick fix in the form of presents for players who play nice, and punishments for players who make naughty plays.

Naughty Play	Result
clearing pass giveaway	lump of coal in hockey bag
offside	can of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (no goal)	two cans of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (goal)	an actual old speckled hen
not back-checking	A full-back tattoo of a unicorn done by Guido at Tats R Us. Guido is legally blind, 90 years old and has Parkinsons disease.
suicide pass to the blueline	Suicide wing sauce applied liberally to the “gentleman’s area”, followed by 60 minutes in a dry sauna.
allowing a soft goal	A one year cancellation of player’s viagra prescription
forgetting the beer	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl. On an actual Zamboni.

Nice Play	Result
actually playing the correct position	one free beer at Ferro’s
getting the goddam puck out of the defensive zone	prime parking spot at Phil White Arena
an ugly goal	a pair of tickets to a Leafs game
winning a faceoff, offensive zone	dinner with Bill Shatner
stopping a 2 on 1	A "2 on 1" with Zamboni Girl and her friend Tractor Chick. They'll show you what a snow plow is.
a pretty goal	a pair of tickets to a Marlies game
the winning goal in the playoffs	brunch with God
bringing the good beers	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl's mom. On an actual Zamboni.

And just in case this didn't inspire / put the fear of God into you, here's a little extra inspiration for all the Aces players. Headphones on, volume way up. Maybe not watch this one at work. Hint: stay with it, it gets interesting at around the 2:30 mark.