Aces training program pays dividends

It's not unusual for pro athletes to maintain a high level of fitness in the off-season. Hockey players, long notorious for their summer regimen of fishing, drinking and golfing, now spend the warm months fishing, drinking, golfing, running, and working out with Gary Roberts.

In an effort to maintain their edge over this past summer, area hockey team and COTHL champs the Black Aces enlisted the services of someone at a slightly lower price point than the renowned Mr. Roberts:

Hi, I'm Vlad.

That's right. Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Little known fact: Vlad takes the summer off from telling Russians what to do and spends his leisure time selflessly helping amateur athletes around the world achieve their potential through his patented exercise program, Vladisthenics.

Here's a typical day of Vladisthenics, as followed by the Aces this past July and August.

0600: wake up, drink 1 oz vodka. Eat 1 bear steak, raw
0630: ten mile run while disassembling and re-assembling Kalashnikov rifle
0800: 1,000 pushups with Lada Niva 1.0L engine on back
0900: ice bath, 30 minutes
0931: restart own heart with jumper cables and battery from Lada Niva
1030: sneak into Toronto Zoo, fight Amir tiger. Naked.
1100: 1 hour rest on bed of barbed wire
1200: lunch - 2 oz vodka, 1 lb uncooked potatoes, 1 lb reindeer meat, antlers on
1300: swimming 1500 meters. Under water
1400: agility training - dancing in Russian style while is beaten with live sturgeon by Vlad
1430: fishing time! Everybody take shirt off and catching the fish!
1600: Russian fight technique. Practice on gypsy children, greenpeace hippies.
1800: dinner -  3 oz vodka, 1 lb moose meat, 1 whole cabbage
1900: weight training with Team USSR 1972.

Rinse, repeat.

"Ted Nugent is pussy"

What have their opponents been doing to prepare for this season? Something a little less intense.

And that, gentle reader, is why the Aces will once again win the COTHL title.

Game report:
Aces 3, Warriors 0. Another outstanding performance from newcomer Mark, who with a 3 goal night has almost secured himself a permanent spot on the club. Another 2 or 3 games like that one and the Aces Elders will be certain to take a closer look at his application for team member status.

Circle of Life Continues in the COTHL

They say time stands still for no man, not even amateur hockey players, and so we find ourselves this year with some new faces on the Aces. Faces attached to younger, better men as the old guard gives way to the new. The Circle of Life continues. 

Step aside, geezers.

Your humble scribe was recently able to arrange an exclusive interview with the 3 newest Aces; Kevin, Mark and Paul. The full interview will be appearing on the Hockey Night in Canada (Punjabi) broadcast this year, but below are some selected excerpts from that interview. 

JM (interviewer) : Hello gentlemen, welcome to the COTHL and to the Black Aces Hockey Club. How are you finding the level of play in the league so far?

Kevin: It’s been fantastic, I’ve really been enjoying myself in every game. It’s amazing that even at such an advanced age there are still guys out there who can play at a high level.

Mark: I agree with Kevin. There was one shift in the last game where I’m pretty sure I felt some sweat soaking through my shirt. Could have been some spilled water, but yeah, let’s go with sweat. 

Paul: It’s so cool that I get to play in this league because there are a few guys that are friends with my dad at work, and he likes it when we beat them. 

JM: Why don’t you tell us a bit about your hockey resume. Where were you playing before joining the Aces?

Paul: mostly in the back yard on the rink my dad built for me and my brother, who is a total poo-head. So I’m really happy to be skating on a full sized rink now. It's wicked.

Kevin: I was in my last year of bantam house league, but there weren’t many junior scouts coming around. I was looking at having to go back to school and finish my grade 9 when I got the call from the Aces. This is way more fun than sitting through English class, you know what I mean?

Mark: I was pretty much just playing NHL14 on my xbox, with the occasional street hockey game on weekends. This is a lot more fun, and the other kids on the team seem really cool. Plus my mom says I need the exercise. Like, whatever.

JM: Kevin, you’ve had some strong games in the net so far.

Kevin: Thanks, dude. I guess it helps that slap shots aren’t allowed and most of the guys in the league are kind of too old to take a decent wrist shot. Our defense is super solid too, so that makes things easier. 

JM: Mark and Paul, you’ve shown some great chemistry out there so far. How do you explain the way you’ve been able to connect with each other so quickly?

Mark: We spend a lot of time online playing World of Warcraft with each other, maybe that’s it?

Paul: Yeah, it’s kind of like we knew each other already. Hey Mark, looks like your mom is here to pick you up.

Mark: Yup, I gotta go. Thanks for the interview, mister! 

Mark, Kevin and Paul. The newest members of the Black Aces

In actual hockey news, the Aces kept their undefeated streak alive last week with a 3-2 win over the Wyse Guys. A tally from Bruce plus 2 more from Mark (one on a cross-ice Hail Mary pass from your humble scribe for the go-ahead goal) put the game away under ice conditions so snowy that the city had to call in the army to clear it all away after the game. Let’s hope the zamboni is off the DL for next week. 

Also, the team would like to welcome back Ralph, who is returning from having carbon fiber and titanium joints implanted into his legs during the offseason. League rules do not forbid this procedure so we're pretty sure he's cleared to play.

Hakuna Matata.

Toronto Mayor Robocalls Aces Opponents

The following is an actual transcript of a "robo-call" placed on behalf of local hockey team the Black Aces by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. 

"The fuck are you lookin at?"

"Hello. This is your mayor, Rob Ford. I just would like to say that if any of you players on the Battlers, Warriors or Wyse Guys are thinking of taking a run at the COTHL cup this year, well, let's just say I wouldn't do that if I were you. 

"You think just because I'm the mayor of this town that I have to spend all my time doing mayor shit? Think again, assholes. I got plenty of downtime now that I decided not to coach football any more, and you know what? I'm with the Aces now. So look the fuck out because those guys are gonna kick your asses again this year.

"Summa you jerkoffs might think that last year was some kind of fluke, that the Aces just put together some lucky wins at the end of the season. Wrong, dumbfucks. All that 'losing a bunch of games in a row' shit was like, totally planned. Just like I planned to get the Feds to cough up all that dough for a Scarborough subway, which is TOTALLY going to happen no matter what the commies on city council think.

"The Aces were playing you for losers last year, and you fell for it. But this year they don't have to because they got me as their coach. So get ready to lose, bitches, cuz - what? I'm just makin' a phonecall, Doug, leave me alone! Naw, I'm jus' callin' someone. Jeez. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, the Aces are going to win EVERY GAME this year with me behind the bench and you lefty bastards had better - what now? No, Doug I don't know where your hash is! Ow! Quit hitting me, I didn't take it! That's it, I'm telling mom you sonofa - ...

"This has been a paid political announcement from the Rob Ford for permanent mayor coalition. God bless Ford Nation."

Players from the non-Aces teams in the COTHL have yet to comment. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces did in fact pull off a win in their most recent game. After jumping out to a 4-1 lead on goals by Rich (2) Mark and Paul (1 each) the blackshirts took their foot off the gas just enough to let the Battlers back in the game. Some timely saves from keeper Kevin kept the game in the win column for the Aces, as they hung for a 4-3 victory and extended their undefeated string. That's now 8 games in a row without a loss, going back to last year.

In Memoriam

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the passing of an era, and the passing of three fine individuals into the ice hockey afterworld. Lo, these many years have Brian, Raj and Paul performed their icely duties with great skill and aplomb. They steadfastly skated up, and occasionally back down the ice, or did their best to keep the puck out of the Black Aces net. For this we are eternally in their debt.

Shhh, shhh. Just let it happen.

We shall miss each of them in their own way.

Raj, for his lively pre-game banter and easygoing attitude.

My wife picked these out

Brian, for his exceptional attendance record and above-average ability to take a hit to the head.

Ready for work!

And especially Paul for his excellent updates on ski conditions around the world.

Go Aces!

Thank you good men, and good luck in your post-Aces endeavours. Raj, with your new responsibilities as a married man and Vishnu willing, father. Brian, as top skater in the friday night "E" division pickup league. Paul, as former owner and sponsor and still, hopefully, faithful contributor to the Aces retirement fund through continued generous payments of the yearly team fee.

In their passing they join previous Aces greats in that Cedarvale-halla in the sky. Barry, Len, Maurice, Bob, Andrew, and that one guy with that thing. You know who I mean.

Peace be with each of you.

In the meantime, however, the Aces carry on in defence of their COTHL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS title. The 2013-2014 season opener saw a back-and-forth battle against the white-shirted Warriors, a battle that ended in a 6-4 tie for the aces.

League rules apparently dictate that teams playing in defence a COTHL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS title have to spot their opponents 2 goals, to be determined at random by the referees. A solid game in goal from newcomer and Raj replacement Kevin was spoiled by a couple of bad bounces, but Brian and Paul replacements Mark and New Paul responded with a pair of goals each.

So, the official league scoresheet will show a 4-4 tie, but the official Aces scoresheet will show a 6-4 pummelling.

A fair start to what should be another epic COTHL season for the Black Aces.

Aces Uber Alles

Congratulations, boys ;)

In a stunning finish to what looked at one point to be a lost season, local hockey team the Black Aces completed a late-season 6-0 run to defeat the Bloor Battlers 2-1 in the COTHL final, taking the championship for the first time since the 2007-2008 season.

The Aces kept the Battlers at bay for most of the game, leading for most of 2 periods on a goal from newcomer Pete S before the Battlers finally managed to break Aces' netminder Raj C's incredible 7 period shutout string.

The game stayed tied until just over a minute to go, when your humble scribe and blog host found himself inexplicably in front of the enemy net with the puck on his stick. Even more inexplicably, he managed to get a shot off that then somehow found the back of the Battlers' net.

The Aces held off a late charge from the Battlers, who had pulled their goalie, and the deal was done. Aces 2, Battlers 1. 

Congratulations, Aces. We are officially the team to beat in 2013-2014.

That's right, bitches. We're number one!

Back row: Jeff M, Pete S, Rod P, Ralph R, Gerry S, Al H, Simon C, Joe D-S

Front row: Bruce H, Rich W, Raj C, Aubrey S, Brian M

Front front row: future star and son of Pete S

Not pictured: Joe P, Paul F, Bob D, Mike K, Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson

Celebrations and gloating to be held at Ferro's on April 3. Details to follow. Bring your drinking shoes.

Cardinals Meet to Decide Fate of COTHL Playoffs

While news media from around the world focused on the Papal Conclave this past week, another story was also unfolding within the secretive walls of the Vatican.

"Any time you get 114 Cardinals together under the same roof" said Vatican spokesperson Guido 'the Hutt' Hutino "you get them to multitask. It only makes sense."

The Cardinals were able to come to a decision quite quickly on who will become the next Pope, choosing Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina to put on the red shoes this time. With that little matter out of the way, it left them with some extra time clear up some other pressing matters.

"We pre-booked our hotel rooms for 3 weeks." said Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet after the new pope was sworn in by the traditional paddy-wacks ceremony "And the voting was going great, so I thought we should try to get some other work done while we're here. I lobbied to have the boys weigh in on the outcome of the COTHL playoffs next week and they went for it."

Black, black smoke.

Cardinal Ouellet was reluctant to reveal the outcome of the discussions, saying only that he and the other lads had had a 'real good chat with the man upstairs'. Keen observers will have noted, however, a certain smoky chimney partway through Pope Vote 2013.

"The black smoke was just a little gag we played on the press" said Ouellet, quaffing a pint of Fin du Monde and puffing a Du Maurier after the final announcement. "We had Bergsy picked already so we fired up the holy hot knives while we were yakking about the COTHL. You should have seen the press scramble! Too funny."

The finals will feature the Black Aces against the Bloor Battlers, after the Aces stunned the Warriors 5-0 in their semi-final game on March 6. Goals went to Gerry (2), Rod, Aubrey and Mike. Raj was outstanding once again between the pipes.

Cardinal O. checks the game sheet: 'Holy cow, 5-0 Aces!'

Black Aces to be Featured on Mexican Cable TV

TeleMexico Corporation and the Ministry of Tourism Culture and Sport have announced the addition of an exciting new program to an already hot lineup of television content on Channel 53, el Canal de hombres y más hombres. Spokesman Chi Chi ‘Pepe’ Fernandez explains:

My love for the Aces is this big.

“Many Canadians are coming to Mexico each year for their holidays, and we want them to feel at home when they stay in our fine hotels. Recently there have been unfortunate incidents involving foreign tourists and some bad men with sharp knives. For this we are deeply regretful. To show our concern and also our love for the Canadian tourists  we have decided to add the popular sport of ice hockey to the number one in-hotel tourist television channel in all of Mexico.”

Talks are still under way between the Mexican government and the NHL, so in the meantime the broadcast rights to all COTHL games involving the Black Aces have been purchased, with games to begin immediately with their first playoff game against the Warriors on March 6. 

“The Aces, they are so black and so misterioso, so macho, they have a great appeal to the Mexican people and also to the Canadian tourist. The most recent game they have played was magnífico - a 3 to zero beating of the Guys who are Wyse. The masked one in the net, such intensity I have not seen in un tiempo largo, if ever.

"We hope that soon we can show the games on the main sports channel, perhaps for the next season? For now we are proud to show the Aces playing their ice hockey games on Canal 53, el Canal de hombres y más hombres.”

Senor Fernandez then reached into his trousers and slowly pulled out the Channel 53 lineup for March 6:

17:00 - 17:30 3 Men and Another 3 Men (Comedy)

17:30 - 18:00 AssWord! (Game show)

18:00 - 19:00 Hillbilly Hand Fistin’ (Reality)

19:00 - 19:30 Aces Season Highlites, 2012-2013

19:30 - 20:00 Reach for the Bottom (Game Show)

20:00 - 21:30 UFC Highlites in slow motion (Adult)

21:30 - 21:50 Aces Pre-Game Show with Don Cherry

21:50 - 23:00 Aces vs Warriors (live)

23:00 - 24:00 The Gerbil Whisperer (Reality)

The Aces are reportedly still in talks concerning royalties from the broadcasts.