5 Out of 6 Ain’t Bad

Reactions to the Black Aces stunning loss in the finals of the COTHL last week continue to pour in. What was once thought to be a sure thing, then a long-shot, then a distinct possibility, turned out in the end to be only a close call.

In their 6th consecutive appearance in the Final Two, the Aces were attempting to achieve an unprecedented 6th consecutive league title. For a review of just what an achievement even 5 straight is, please re-read last year’s game report after Win #5. The Aces are in pretty rare company.

But reactions. A sampling of the shock, horror, and sheer garment-rending angst that the Aces’ 1-0 loss to league rivals and second-rate jersey-wearers the Battlers is presented here for your enjoyment.

Preciousssss!!

Gollum, aka Smeagol. A wretched creature of Middle Earth:

Filthy Battlerses have stolen the Precious! They uses tricksy magicks to take the lovely yellow metal cup from the Aces! Nassty stripeshirt orcses and their wicked calls helped the Battlerses, yes they did! But Smeagol will helps Aces get the Precious back, oh yesssss we will.

Ya may as well laugh.

Reg McDonald, a guy in Tim Horton’s

Holy shit, I had a hundred on these guys on the Proline at 8:1 against, eh? What am I going to do now? I owe Pete down at the garage buck fiddy for a nice chunk a hash he fronted me, and now I have to pay back Cash Money payday loans too. I'm screwed.

Die Les, Die.

Stephen Hawking’s Cryogenically Frozen Head

This Is The Most Extraordinary Day In. The History Of The Universe.
My Calculations Indicated A Win For. The Aces. I Cannot Explain It.
I Am Blaming Les.

Folks.

Doug Ford, a wretched creature of Middle Etobicoke.

Folks, this is the biggest scam since Kathleen Wynn took all the schoolkids’ lunch money and used it to pay for sex ed lessons and we’re not going to stand for it. It’s time the Aces took back the COTHL from the elites and folks are fed up, folks. We’re going to make the Aces great again. Folks.

I'm putting on my smitin' shoes

God Himself

My condolences to the Aces and their many fan. As you may know, The Aces are My Team - I’ve been watching over them lo these past 5 years and the results speak for themselves. This year I decided to push them a little, you know, to test their faith in Me, by having them lose all those games in the regular season. But they came through with the thoughts and prayers so I made sure they got to the finals again. But then I, uh, I looked away for just a few minutes to update my Facebook settings and next thing I know the game is over and some other team are the champs. I may have to smite them.

Don't forget, Aces, training camp is in June. Start training!

Local Eatery Creates New Selection of Aces-Themed Pizzas

Fucking Delicious Pizzas

Local eatery and long-time Black Aces post-game hangout Ferro has announced a new lineup of specially created pizzas in honour of the Aces’ recent stunning victory in the 2017-18 COTHL semifinals.

The Aces came into the game as definite underdogs, up against the first place Wyse Guys, a strong team whom they had not defeated all year. Smart money was on red. Smart money lost.

Aces Playbook

The Aces came out swinging, jumping out to a 1-0 lead on a nice tally from Paul M. Red tied it up not long after and the teams battled it out until Black took the lead on an in-close goal from Pete S. That was enough to make the difference and the Aces took away the surprise 2-1 win. The keys to success? Intense forechecking, disciplined positional play, tough D and timely goaltending. Right out of the ancient Aces playbook that somehow surfaces every year at playoff time.

But back to the pizzas.

Your humble scribe secured an off-the-record interview with Ferro’s chief pizza architect Gianni Dellatortarotonda. Here’s what will be appearing on the menu very soon:

The Ritardatario (The Latecomer)

This basic pie comes with with a thick layer of unevenly spread sauce and random toppings from the back of the refrigerator. You never know what you’ll get. The final ingredient is brought to your table 10 minutes after the pizza is first served.
Wine pairing: Nadal 1510 Late Harvest

The Quelli Vecchi (The Old Ones)

This unique pie is served on aged crust made from vintage Red Fife wheat from the 1950s. Ingredients are selected exclusively from heirloom vegetables, pepperoni that was cured for Expo 67 but never sold, and 100 year old asiago cheese.
Wine pairing: Smoking Loon Old Vine Zinfandel.

The Vittoria Nera (The Black Victory)

A heavy pie suitable only for strong appetites, the Vittoria Nera crust is made from sourdough mixed with black beer and charcoal. Toppings: black olives, black pepper, black-eyed peas, Black Forest ham, blackberries, black pudding and blackened cod.
Wine pairing: Folonari Pinot Noir.

The Bella Macchina (the Beautiful Machine)

This beautiful and perfectly circular pie is perfectly balanced in all aspects. Carefully selected toppings are placed in equal amounts evenly spaced around the surface of the pie: 1.026mm of 10w40 "sauce", 25g each of iron filings, titanium wafers, and hard steel balls. Chew carefully, and order soon before the U.S. slaps a tariff on it.
Wine pairing: Nickel & Nickel Branding Iron Cabernet Sauvignon 2014

Aces players have a week to savour their victory and prepare for their final match against the Battlers, who reportedly edged the Warriors in extra time.

Will the Aces Bring It

Zamboni/Barista Girl shows how you bring it.

Long time patrons of local favourite hangout the Aces Cafe are reportedly perplexed by the service lately, say sources.

“For the last 5 years the service has been great.” said longtime customer Guy Mann-Dude. “I order a cup of black black coffee, and the Aces bring it. No problem. They always bring it.”

Lately though, Mann-Dude and other customers have been complaining.

“Since, I dunno, September i wanna say? The service has been off.” said loyal client Paisley Summerseve “They just haven’t been bringing it. Sometimes though, I order? And then like weeks go by? And I think maybe they’re not going to bring it? And then they bring it. It’s like so random.”

Aces’ management would not consent to an official interview on the matter, and would only say that from this point forward the Aces “Will be bringing it. It’s our time of the year, and Bringing It is definitely what we’ll be doing.”

In hockey news, the Aces brought it in their final season game, bringing it right to the Warriors 4-3 with the help of fill-in netminder (Roger? Randy? Andrew?).

The blackshirts have another opportunity to bring it this week against Red. Let’s hope they can bring it right to the finals.