A Poem

Spoken Word poet Fez5 performs an original composition at the most recent Nod Club Poetry Slam Open Mike Night and Marijuana Recipe Exchange

the lights dim except for a solitary red spot shining on Fez5, a person of indeterminate age, heritage, gender, and possibly species, wearing some very dark glasses.

"Thanks y'all. Peace."

"A!! A is for A says me.
For Aces. So black, so white. But that doesn't matter
as a matter of fact what matters is what's the matter with...
the Aces."

Fez5 pulls out a bongo drum from beneath his/her/its poncho. Possibly a Mexican poncho, but quite possibly also a Sears poncho purchased at a steep discount at a recent clearance sale at the Scarboro Town Centre location.

Fez hits the bongo a single time, then holds it up with one hand and continues, speaking directly to it.

"A gathering of men. Men who gather, I gather, to shoot pucks and cut ice.
But that doesn't cut any ice with me.
Not until a W appears.
W!! for wednesday
W!!! for winter
W!!!! for win, terminating
this string of woe."

The bongo disappears back into the possibly Mexican poncho.

"F!! is for five. The number of times these Ace men have fallen.
Fallen and not gotten up. What the F, Aces? Have you
forgotten how to W?
and don't talk to me of ties. Ties are for
business men
hockey men don't wear ties. "

Fez takes off the dark glasses and makes a disgusted face. The bongo falls to the ground with a sad 'bop' and lays at his feet.

"I mean come on! You seein' this shit? Only half the team showin' up and half of them showin' up late? I got money on these clowns, yo. And they not even takin' it serious! Damn."

Fez kicks the bongo into the crowd and stomps off.

Latest results: Warriors 6, Aces 5 with a couple of posts hit in the final 60 seconds.

Sorry, Fez. We can do better.

Aces Season Forecast

All signs point to beers at Ferro

Local hockey team the Black Aces continue to play the ‘long game’ in their quest for a record-breaking 6th consecutive COTHL title this year, skating themselves and rival squad the Wyse Guys to a 2-2 standstill in their most recent match.

Team statistician and sometime strategist Pete S explains: “Mathematically speaking, a team with our level of talent should win more games than we lose. In this league the only games that matter are the final 2 - the playoffs. If we hold off and save our wins for later in the season this improves our chances of another league title. So we take our time getting wins until down the road.”

Are the Aces on the right track? Your intrepid reporter has done some complicated math using something called 'imaginary numbers' (a real thing, you can look it up) and has come up with a highly accurate long range forecast for the 2017-2018 season, based on the team’s early results.

Game 1: 5-3 Loss
Game 2: 4-3 Loss
Game 3: 5-5 Tie, gave away a 4 goal lead
Game 4: 2-2 Tie, gave away a 1 goal lead

If this pattern continues this is what we can expect:

Game 5: Aces 3, Warriors 2. Aces come back from a 1 goal deficit and win with last-minute goal

Game 10: Aces 12, Wyse Guys 0. Game is halted after 2 periods as WGs refuse to leave their bench.

Game 15: Aces 99, Battlers 0. Battlers team scores 99 ‘own goals’ while the Aces sip imported beer on their bench. Aces are investigated for using banned mind control techniques but nothing is proven.

Game 20: Aces Titanium, Warriors Lithium. Clearly the Aces win this one.

Game 23: Aces 357, Warriors -12⁵. Laws of physics ignored, time is reversed within Phil White Arena. Jesus appears on a flying zamboni wearing an Aces windbreaker and sequined cowboy boots, a now beautiful Zamboni Girl on his arm.

Playoffs: Aces lose both games by a score of 8-0, having mathematically exhausted their supply of wins (and miracles).

Clearly we have to pace ourselves, gentlemen, if we expect to take home the hardware in March. So let’s continue our current style of play just a little longer - the giveaways, the indifferent clearing attempts, the unnecessary penalties. John, a little less of the steady netminding please.

Early game this week. Warriors. You know what (not) to do.

Aces Give Thanks

Local hockey team the Black Aces celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving this past week by giving away a big lead against rivals the Bloor Battlers.

Up 5-1 in the second, the blackshirts somehow decided that they were uncomfortable with such a commanding lead and generously gave 4 straight goals back to the enemy. After the game, team Buddhist Monk Paul M was pleased with the result:

“Earthly possessions will only negatively impact ones karma and should be shunned whenever possible” said Mike through a thick haze of “incense” . “The Aces followed the dharma beautifully tonight by letting go of a 4 goal lead. The game resulted in a perfectly balanced state, as you can see. We are on the correct path.”

Other players saw things a little differently. Team psychoanalyst James D provided his post-game analysis in a series of numbered tweets:

1. Stunning turnaround on the ice tonight at the PWA. Black Aces self-sabotaged a sure win, possibly due to unresolved father issues. #WTF

[many tweets later]

38. In conclusion, I believe only an extended round of weapons-grade Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitors and beer will lift the team out of this depression. I’ll be recommending this course of action and writing all Aces a script for SRIs ASAP #iheartbigpharma

Team guitar technician Mike K wasn’t so sure about James’ analysis. “This is all because we missed training camp” said Mike “We didn’t set the tone for the season by getting obliterated on the golf course together before the season began. Every good team knows this is mandatory. All the best teams do it, it’s a Canadian tradition. I’m doing my best to put together a better-late-than-never camp but the weather isn’t cooperating. We may have to get obliterated on the ski hill instead. Or head down to our southern headquarters in Bucarias, Mexico, just as soon as hurricane season ends.”

Aces goals were meaninglessly provided by Ralph, Joe D, new guy Martin, Rich and Pete S.

Make the Aces Great Again

Transcript of a recent speech from POTUS #45, during the visit of Stanley Cup champions the Pittsburgh Penguins to the White House.

* * *

Hello, welcome to the White House… penguins is it? You don’t look like penguins. Penguins are much smaller and you guys are very big. Yuge. Very big men. The biggest maybe. Tremendous size.

People are saying that your team is a very great team, very great. Maybe even the best. Tremendous talent. But do you know of another team called, what are they called again Sarah? The Aces? The Black Aces. Black Aces? Just the sweaters, oh. Tremendous team, but so far this year… not good. Not good.

I’ve created over a million jobs since I’m president, the economy is booming, we have the highest employment numbers we’ve ever had in the history of our country but the Aces are still struggling. Lost all their games this year. Every one of them. Sad.

So penguin men I want you to ask yourselves how can we make the Aces great again.  Maybe I should just meet with them, do you think? Because my dad said I have the Midas touch, everything I touch turns to gold. So I could touch the Aces. And that would make them great again. Believe me. Crooked Hillary could never do that. But I don’t like to touch people so maybe that wouldn’t be great.

But you know what I like about the Aces? They’re real. Not fake. Not fake. Not like those other teams, the failing Warriors or the fake Battlers. The Wyse Guys? Not very wise. Not wise. They did ask me to coach them though, so maybe they are smart after all. Begged me. Donald, they said, you’d make the best hockey coach in the history of hockey, please coach us. But I said no. Not wise enough. They have some very fine players but I had to say no because the Aces are my team and only I can help them become great again. By not touching them.

If I had been at their last game maybe they wouldn't have lost 4-3 to the Warriors. That's what many people are saying right now. But I was in Puerto Rico saving the Puerto Ricans with some beautiful soft paper towels. People were cheering, it was beautiful. So much work.

Ok penguins, that's all I have time for. Back to the north pole you go.

Have a good time.

* * *

Wow, Aces. That was something. As DJT said, a 4-3 loss to an improved Warriors squad with goals coming from Mark and both Petes. We still have some work to do.

Let's Play...

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces began their quest for a sixth straight COTHL title this week in their usual fashion - slowly. Minutes before game time only a light dusting of players could be found in the room, with many regulars opting to give the opening night a miss in order to tend to more important matters, no doubt.

“But Scribe” I hear you ask “What could be more important than starting the new season off right, especially when a world record 6th straight championship is on the line?”

I know, Dear Reader, I hear you. How could anything take precedence over such a critical sporting event? Maybe we should check in with the missing Aces and see.

Simon - soccer injury. Fortunately all soccer injuries can be instantly cured by the application of a damp sponge, so Simon should be ready for game 2
Rod - was still celebrating last year’s big win as late as last week, so is recovering from alcohol poisoning
Mark - training with Gary Roberts to increase his chances of a last minute call-up to the Las Vegas Golden Showers (Golden Nights farm team)
Pete T - on tour with the SnuggleFucks, a children’s punk band specializing in play dates for children under 2 (and their hot moms)
Joe H - climbing K2 with the Sherpa Grrls. They aren’t Sherpas, they are an all-girl metal band from Katmandu. Average age: 16.1
Paul - on his way to Puerto Rico by bicycle, bringing much-need supplies of food and MAGA hats to desperate hurricane victims

One man who did make the extra effort is team owner, manager, and now goddam inspiration Aubrey S, recently recovered from hip surgery and because he liked it so much the first time, prepping for one more this week. His presence behind the bench (literally, behind the bench) was not enough to rally the troops however, and the Aces finished with a 5-3 loss to the Wyse Guys.

No problem though. The Aces know that getting out of the starting gate too quickly can lead to burnout. Better to play possum for now and save energy for the home stretch (aka, the final 2 games of the year) than to rush into things.

Score sheet: 2 for Ralph, 1 for Pete S.