Hockey Canada Announces New Olympic Lineup

After releasing the final lineup for Canada's olympic men's ice hockey team last week, Hockey Canada is reported to be making some last minute changes after the Black Aces' latest COTHL win.

The Aces 6-0 win over the Warriors was so convincing, such an utterly ass-kickingly jaw-droppingly shut-the-F-up-edly work of art that coach Mike Babcock has decided to send the Aces to Sochi instead of the original hand-picked collection of NHL superstars.

"I happened to catch the game on ESPN-22, and what I saw convinced me that the best hope for our nation at the Olympics rests not with Sydney Crosby and a bunch of elite professional athletes, but with the Black Aces Hockey Club. They were a revelation." said Babcock last week. "Also, I've been having these really weird headaches lately. And blacking out a lot too. But I'm pretty sure I saw the best hockey team I've ever seen. They wear the black sweaters, right?"

Hockey Canada officials are not commenting publicly about the surprise changes, except to say they are reviewing the game tapes from the Aces latest win and expect to make a statement soon.

When told of the unexpected development, Aces team Chaplain Ralph R took the news in stride. "After winning the motherf***ing COTHL championship last year, a lot of f***ing people thought we had nowhere to go but down. But I knew we could top that sh*t. And now look, we're off to the goddam olympics. Suck on that, haters."

Other Aces players were a little less cocksure than Ralph.

Pete - "Where is Sushi, anyway?"
Rod - "I'm bringing my own vodka, just in case. Remember what happened in '72 with the steaks"
Paul - "If I can't ride across the border I don't want to go"
Joe H - "They have palm trees there, so count me in"
Paul F - "If I bring my own sweater can I go too?"
Mark - "If I go can I have a sweater?"

Box scores from the epic 6-0 win:

Mark - 3 goals
Pete - 1 goal
Rich - 1 goal
Mike - 1 goal
Kevin - shutout!

I don't yet know how, Crosby, but I swear to you, one day
I will crush your olympic dreams. I promise.

Mark 5, Other Aces 2, Wyse Guys 3

Fellow Black Aces - After our latest game I somehow received the following cryptic email, which appears to have been destined for someone else on the team and sent by a mysterious "J" on a beach somewhere. This was a day after the Aces put a 7-3 hurt on the Wyse Guys, with a 5 goal performance from Mark. That brings his yearly total to something like 50 goals now, more than the rest of the team combined. This in spite of not having an official Aces jersey on his back. The other 2 came from Pete (also jersey-less!) and Rich, with some solid goaltending on the back end from Kevin, yet another of the not-quite-black-Aces. 

You would think management would be pulling out all the stops to get proper jerseys for our new players, given the outstanding contributions made by all of them - Mark, Kevin, Paul, and from last year Rod and Pete. After reading this email you might think something else. 

You be the judge.

To: A 
From: J
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

A - GOT YOUR EMAIL ABOUT THE LATEST GAME, GOOD TO SEE THE TEAM IS BACK ON TRACK. I'D HATE TO HAVE TO STOP YOUR SPECIAL SHIPMENTS DUE TO THE POOR PLAY OF THE ACES. YOU KNOW OUR AGREEMENT. THE TEAM KEEPS WINNING,I KEEP WINNING MY TOTALLY LEGIT MEXICAN-CANADIAN HOCKEY POOL, AND FEDEX KEEPS BRINGING YOU PACKAGES OF THOSE USED CHAMBERMAID'S UNIFORMS YOU LIKE SO MUCH. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM, OK? 

ONE THING - THIS MARK GUY WE SIGNED THIS YEAR, I KNOW HE WANTS A TEAM JERSEY BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES CAN WE GIVE HIM ONE. HE'S SCORING LIKE A MADMAN BECAUSE HE'S HUNGRY. GIVE HIM A JERSEY AND WE TAKE AWAY THE CARROT, THE MOTIVATION. COMPRENDE? TELL HIM IT'S ON THE WAY, TELL HIM IT'S AT THE CLEANERS, TELL HIM WHATEVER YOU LIKE BUT DON'T GIVE HIM A JERSEY UNLESS HE STOPS SCORING. 

SAME GOES FOR THOSE OTHER GUYS, PAUL AND PETE AND ROD AND KEVIN. IF IT AIN'T BROKE DON'T FIX IT, AMIRIGHT? NEW HOCKEY JERSEYS DON'T GROW ON TREES. OR CACTII.

JUST KEEP THE TEAM WINNING, AMIGO. YOUR NEXT SHIPMENT IS ON THE WAY. 

SURF'S UP, GOTTA GO.

J.

Aces Hobble into 2014

After a great start to the season, local hockey team the Black Aces have hit a bit of a rough patch over the last 3 games. Some decidedly uninspired play may even have resulted in the team scribe being unable to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), leaving tens of hockey fans without their weekly Aces update.

The details of said games are best left to fade into the mists of time, so instead of a full report we present to you know a series of haiku poems whose brevity should serve to shield readers from the full NSFW account of each game.

January 8: Warriors 5, Aces 4

three flukey White goals
a come from ahead effort
afterwards, no beer

December 18: Wyse Guys 9, Aces 4

goalie arrives late
all Wyse Guys shots find the net
are the Aces drunk?


December 11: Aces 3 Battlers 3

the scribe was missing
so cannot verify the score
but one point is good

I feel great shame