In Memoriam

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the passing of an era, and the passing of three fine individuals into the ice hockey afterworld. Lo, these many years have Brian, Raj and Paul performed their icely duties with great skill and aplomb. They steadfastly skated up, and occasionally back down the ice, or did their best to keep the puck out of the Black Aces net. For this we are eternally in their debt.

Shhh, shhh. Just let it happen.

We shall miss each of them in their own way.

Raj, for his lively pre-game banter and easygoing attitude.

My wife picked these out

Brian, for his exceptional attendance record and above-average ability to take a hit to the head.

Ready for work!

And especially Paul for his excellent updates on ski conditions around the world.

Go Aces!

Thank you good men, and good luck in your post-Aces endeavours. Raj, with your new responsibilities as a married man and Vishnu willing, father. Brian, as top skater in the friday night "E" division pickup league. Paul, as former owner and sponsor and still, hopefully, faithful contributor to the Aces retirement fund through continued generous payments of the yearly team fee.

In their passing they join previous Aces greats in that Cedarvale-halla in the sky. Barry, Len, Maurice, Bob, Andrew, and that one guy with that thing. You know who I mean.

Peace be with each of you.

In the meantime, however, the Aces carry on in defence of their COTHL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS title. The 2013-2014 season opener saw a back-and-forth battle against the white-shirted Warriors, a battle that ended in a 6-4 tie for the aces.

League rules apparently dictate that teams playing in defence a COTHL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS title have to spot their opponents 2 goals, to be determined at random by the referees. A solid game in goal from newcomer and Raj replacement Kevin was spoiled by a couple of bad bounces, but Brian and Paul replacements Mark and New Paul responded with a pair of goals each.

So, the official league scoresheet will show a 4-4 tie, but the official Aces scoresheet will show a 6-4 pummelling.

A fair start to what should be another epic COTHL season for the Black Aces.

Aces Uber Alles

Congratulations, boys ;)

In a stunning finish to what looked at one point to be a lost season, local hockey team the Black Aces completed a late-season 6-0 run to defeat the Bloor Battlers 2-1 in the COTHL final, taking the championship for the first time since the 2007-2008 season.

The Aces kept the Battlers at bay for most of the game, leading for most of 2 periods on a goal from newcomer Pete S before the Battlers finally managed to break Aces' netminder Raj C's incredible 7 period shutout string.

The game stayed tied until just over a minute to go, when your humble scribe and blog host found himself inexplicably in front of the enemy net with the puck on his stick. Even more inexplicably, he managed to get a shot off that then somehow found the back of the Battlers' net.

The Aces held off a late charge from the Battlers, who had pulled their goalie, and the deal was done. Aces 2, Battlers 1. 

Congratulations, Aces. We are officially the team to beat in 2013-2014.

That's right, bitches. We're number one!

Back row: Jeff M, Pete S, Rod P, Ralph R, Gerry S, Al H, Simon C, Joe D-S

Front row: Bruce H, Rich W, Raj C, Aubrey S, Brian M

Front front row: future star and son of Pete S

Not pictured: Joe P, Paul F, Bob D, Mike K, Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson

Celebrations and gloating to be held at Ferro's on April 3. Details to follow. Bring your drinking shoes.

Cardinals Meet to Decide Fate of COTHL Playoffs

While news media from around the world focused on the Papal Conclave this past week, another story was also unfolding within the secretive walls of the Vatican.

"Any time you get 114 Cardinals together under the same roof" said Vatican spokesperson Guido 'the Hutt' Hutino "you get them to multitask. It only makes sense."

The Cardinals were able to come to a decision quite quickly on who will become the next Pope, choosing Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina to put on the red shoes this time. With that little matter out of the way, it left them with some extra time clear up some other pressing matters.

"We pre-booked our hotel rooms for 3 weeks." said Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet after the new pope was sworn in by the traditional paddy-wacks ceremony "And the voting was going great, so I thought we should try to get some other work done while we're here. I lobbied to have the boys weigh in on the outcome of the COTHL playoffs next week and they went for it."

Black, black smoke.

Cardinal Ouellet was reluctant to reveal the outcome of the discussions, saying only that he and the other lads had had a 'real good chat with the man upstairs'. Keen observers will have noted, however, a certain smoky chimney partway through Pope Vote 2013.

"The black smoke was just a little gag we played on the press" said Ouellet, quaffing a pint of Fin du Monde and puffing a Du Maurier after the final announcement. "We had Bergsy picked already so we fired up the holy hot knives while we were yakking about the COTHL. You should have seen the press scramble! Too funny."

The finals will feature the Black Aces against the Bloor Battlers, after the Aces stunned the Warriors 5-0 in their semi-final game on March 6. Goals went to Gerry (2), Rod, Aubrey and Mike. Raj was outstanding once again between the pipes.

Cardinal O. checks the game sheet: 'Holy cow, 5-0 Aces!'

Black Aces to be Featured on Mexican Cable TV

TeleMexico Corporation and the Ministry of Tourism Culture and Sport have announced the addition of an exciting new program to an already hot lineup of television content on Channel 53, el Canal de hombres y más hombres. Spokesman Chi Chi ‘Pepe’ Fernandez explains:

My love for the Aces is this big.

“Many Canadians are coming to Mexico each year for their holidays, and we want them to feel at home when they stay in our fine hotels. Recently there have been unfortunate incidents involving foreign tourists and some bad men with sharp knives. For this we are deeply regretful. To show our concern and also our love for the Canadian tourists  we have decided to add the popular sport of ice hockey to the number one in-hotel tourist television channel in all of Mexico.”

Talks are still under way between the Mexican government and the NHL, so in the meantime the broadcast rights to all COTHL games involving the Black Aces have been purchased, with games to begin immediately with their first playoff game against the Warriors on March 6. 

“The Aces, they are so black and so misterioso, so macho, they have a great appeal to the Mexican people and also to the Canadian tourist. The most recent game they have played was magnífico - a 3 to zero beating of the Guys who are Wyse. The masked one in the net, such intensity I have not seen in un tiempo largo, if ever.

"We hope that soon we can show the games on the main sports channel, perhaps for the next season? For now we are proud to show the Aces playing their ice hockey games on Canal 53, el Canal de hombres y más hombres.”

Senor Fernandez then reached into his trousers and slowly pulled out the Channel 53 lineup for March 6:

17:00 - 17:30 3 Men and Another 3 Men (Comedy)

17:30 - 18:00 AssWord! (Game show)

18:00 - 19:00 Hillbilly Hand Fistin’ (Reality)

19:00 - 19:30 Aces Season Highlites, 2012-2013

19:30 - 20:00 Reach for the Bottom (Game Show)

20:00 - 21:30 UFC Highlites in slow motion (Adult)

21:30 - 21:50 Aces Pre-Game Show with Don Cherry

21:50 - 23:00 Aces vs Warriors (live)

23:00 - 24:00 The Gerbil Whisperer (Reality)

The Aces are reportedly still in talks concerning royalties from the broadcasts.

Pope Benedict XVI Says Farewell Church, Hello Aces

I'm doing the Wave!

The following is an excerpt from the farewell speech given today by Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joey Ratz) upon his retirement from his position as head of the Roman Catholic Church.

*    *    *

Venerable Brothers in the Episcopate and in the Priesthood! Distinguished Authorities! Dear brothers and sisters! Thank you for coming in such large numbers to this last General Audience of my pontificate.

I had originally prepared a lovely speech to bid you farewell as I take my leave of the, what do you call it, the Pope thing. Some friendly banter with the Cardinals, a big shout out to God, that sort of thing. However, today I feel it is my responsibility to reveal to you the real reason I’m stepping away from the job.

No, I’m not rejoining the Nazi Party. I don’t like those skinheads, they kind of freak me out to tell you the truth. And it’s nothing to do with inappropriate touching of boys. I’m an old man now, all that’s in the past. Belated apologies to quite a number of altar boys though, the full list is posted on my personal blog if you’re interested.

The real reason I’m taking off the Big Hat is that I’ve decided to devote whatever months or years remain in this material life to supporting the Black Aces Hockey Club of Toronto Canada in their quest to regain the glory that was once theirs.

In recent weeks it seems that God has once again favoured the team, as they have won 3 games in succession. Oh and speaking of succession, a new Pope will be announced very soon I’m told. Personally I’m pulling for Ben Affleck. Did you see him at the Oscars? Such a handsome man… where was I again? Oh yes, the Aces. Three wins in a row.

Earlier in the season I received a special request from Al H. the team Chaplain requesting a special prayer for the team. They were struggling with their dedication to the game of ice hockey, as many of our flock also struggle with the great questions of life; is there a God? Why am I here? What’s this weird lump on my neck? Whatever happened to Paul F?

At first, it seemed as if the Aces had been forsaken. Wins were scarce, absent even. Their faith in Wednesday night hockey itself perhaps called into question. Then, a miracle! New players arrived, seemingly from heaven. Goals were scored, shots were saved, and a win materialized like the Blessed Virgin’s face on a piece of freshly toasted rye bread.

I continued to pray for the team and 2 more wins were bestowed upon them, including last week’s 3-2 victory over the first place Battlers, with goals by new man Dave (2) and veteran Mike (1). Glorious indeed.

And so we come to the end of one era, and the beginning of another. A new Pope will be chosen to lead the Church, and I will continue to watch over the Black Aces as they walk their path of righteousness towards a decent showing in the COTHL playoffs.

May God bless all of you. Go Aces.

Aces Win Triggers Celestial Fireworks Display by God Himself

Last week it was United States President Barack Obama giving some unexpected praise to local hockey team the Black Aces, this week it seems the team has caught the attention of God Himself.

As most of the world prepared for the uncomfortably close fly-by of asteroid 2012 DA14, a second more spectacular event took place in the skies over the Siberian city of Chelyabinsk. A 7000 ton chunk of space rock broke apart over the city, shattering windows with a sonic boom and providing a spectacular display of celestial pyrotechnics.

"This event it is spektakular, yes!" shouted local potato salesman Dmitri Popwunov over the sound of sirens, as paramedics rushed to treat the over 1,000 local people injured by shattering glass "And kan mean only one thing - Black Aces have won second victory in row! God is very please!"

In fact, Russian scientists are in agreement, confirming that it was indeed God who sent the meteorite to earth and not some minor sky deity like, say Egyptian god Horus, who is clearly too old and tired to have pulled off something this big. "We are confirming yes, was Christian God sending big rock to explode over our city." said Russian nuclear scientist and quantum theologian Viktor Hametov "No way can be some little shit god like Horus who cannot even make fart any more. Beside, Horus big fan of Warriors and Aces defeat Warriors 4-1 like playing against little girl team. God very happy for Aces, yes."

 

The 4-1 victory was indeed the blackshirts second W in as many weeks, as the team made excellent use of a couple of call-ups from the farm club in Don Mills, both of whom tallied for the Aces. The other 2 goals were scored by Rod and Ralph, and the Aces D men shut the Warriors down almost completely.

Team astrophysicist Aubrey S provided solid goaltending all night long as regular goalie Raj C was in hospital having several dozen tattoos of former girlfriends' names lasered off. Other notable absences:

Simon: in Ghana for the 2nd week in a row, working on a Harlem Shake video
Rich: trapped in a hot tub in the Rockies
Brian: still thinks the games are on thursday
Paul: contract negotiations are stalled
Joe 2N: did not finish ironing Kathleen Wynne's pantsuits in time for the game
Joe H: busy recruiting massage therapists for off-season training camp
Bruce: has been asked to consult on selection of new pope

Obama Praises Black Aces in State of the Union Address

In a move that has US news networks baffled, United States President Barack Obama took some time during his State of the Union address this evening to send a message of encouragement to a group of middle-aged amateur hockey players in Toronto Canada.

The State of the Union address is normally reserved for topics of importance to the United States, and for the most part Obama did keep to his script. Infrastructure, early childhood education, the economy and even climate change were key touchpoints during the speech. About half way through, however, the President appeared to veer from his prepared notes to talk about the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here's an excerpt.

"Now let me just say that in these challenging times, we all look for inspiration. We look for role models, people who can serve as a template for achievement and success. We often look to our athletic heroes as examples of what the human spirit can achieve when we allow ourselves to dream, and to reach for the stars. This past week I myself was inspired by a tremendous group of men from Toronto Canada, who somehow, against all odds, managed to put together 3 full periods of ice hockey against a bitter rival team. These brave men fought against their own terrible limitations - old age, injuries, a complete lack of hockey sense in some cases - and brought home their first victory of 2013, 5 to 2 over the Wyse Guys.

"Now some of you may also be facing a similar lack of talent, or poor health, or just a garden variety addiction to prescription crystal meth. Maybe you feel helpless, like your life can never turn around. I say to you, 'you're probably right, but if the Aces can bring home a win then maybe you can too'.  And so I ask you now, Democrats and Republicans alike, to join me in sending a big shout-out to my homeboys the Black Aces. Good luck in the playoffs you guys!"

This is how many games the Aces have won this year.

Obama then returned to the rest of his speech, summarized here for those who did not catch the event as it unfolded:

• America is great
• Republicans: total douchebags
• Guns are bad, unless they are killing Afghanistanianistas
• Fuck you Ted Nugent
• Jeff is bringing the beer this week
• Thank you and good night