Pope Benedict XVI Says Farewell Church, Hello Aces

I'm doing the Wave!

The following is an excerpt from the farewell speech given today by Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joey Ratz) upon his retirement from his position as head of the Roman Catholic Church.

*    *    *

Venerable Brothers in the Episcopate and in the Priesthood! Distinguished Authorities! Dear brothers and sisters! Thank you for coming in such large numbers to this last General Audience of my pontificate.

I had originally prepared a lovely speech to bid you farewell as I take my leave of the, what do you call it, the Pope thing. Some friendly banter with the Cardinals, a big shout out to God, that sort of thing. However, today I feel it is my responsibility to reveal to you the real reason I’m stepping away from the job.

No, I’m not rejoining the Nazi Party. I don’t like those skinheads, they kind of freak me out to tell you the truth. And it’s nothing to do with inappropriate touching of boys. I’m an old man now, all that’s in the past. Belated apologies to quite a number of altar boys though, the full list is posted on my personal blog if you’re interested.

The real reason I’m taking off the Big Hat is that I’ve decided to devote whatever months or years remain in this material life to supporting the Black Aces Hockey Club of Toronto Canada in their quest to regain the glory that was once theirs.

In recent weeks it seems that God has once again favoured the team, as they have won 3 games in succession. Oh and speaking of succession, a new Pope will be announced very soon I’m told. Personally I’m pulling for Ben Affleck. Did you see him at the Oscars? Such a handsome man… where was I again? Oh yes, the Aces. Three wins in a row.

Earlier in the season I received a special request from Al H. the team Chaplain requesting a special prayer for the team. They were struggling with their dedication to the game of ice hockey, as many of our flock also struggle with the great questions of life; is there a God? Why am I here? What’s this weird lump on my neck? Whatever happened to Paul F?

At first, it seemed as if the Aces had been forsaken. Wins were scarce, absent even. Their faith in Wednesday night hockey itself perhaps called into question. Then, a miracle! New players arrived, seemingly from heaven. Goals were scored, shots were saved, and a win materialized like the Blessed Virgin’s face on a piece of freshly toasted rye bread.

I continued to pray for the team and 2 more wins were bestowed upon them, including last week’s 3-2 victory over the first place Battlers, with goals by new man Dave (2) and veteran Mike (1). Glorious indeed.

And so we come to the end of one era, and the beginning of another. A new Pope will be chosen to lead the Church, and I will continue to watch over the Black Aces as they walk their path of righteousness towards a decent showing in the COTHL playoffs.

May God bless all of you. Go Aces.

Aces Win Triggers Celestial Fireworks Display by God Himself

Last week it was United States President Barack Obama giving some unexpected praise to local hockey team the Black Aces, this week it seems the team has caught the attention of God Himself.

As most of the world prepared for the uncomfortably close fly-by of asteroid 2012 DA14, a second more spectacular event took place in the skies over the Siberian city of Chelyabinsk. A 7000 ton chunk of space rock broke apart over the city, shattering windows with a sonic boom and providing a spectacular display of celestial pyrotechnics.

"This event it is spektakular, yes!" shouted local potato salesman Dmitri Popwunov over the sound of sirens, as paramedics rushed to treat the over 1,000 local people injured by shattering glass "And kan mean only one thing - Black Aces have won second victory in row! God is very please!"

In fact, Russian scientists are in agreement, confirming that it was indeed God who sent the meteorite to earth and not some minor sky deity like, say Egyptian god Horus, who is clearly too old and tired to have pulled off something this big. "We are confirming yes, was Christian God sending big rock to explode over our city." said Russian nuclear scientist and quantum theologian Viktor Hametov "No way can be some little shit god like Horus who cannot even make fart any more. Beside, Horus big fan of Warriors and Aces defeat Warriors 4-1 like playing against little girl team. God very happy for Aces, yes."

 

The 4-1 victory was indeed the blackshirts second W in as many weeks, as the team made excellent use of a couple of call-ups from the farm club in Don Mills, both of whom tallied for the Aces. The other 2 goals were scored by Rod and Ralph, and the Aces D men shut the Warriors down almost completely.

Team astrophysicist Aubrey S provided solid goaltending all night long as regular goalie Raj C was in hospital having several dozen tattoos of former girlfriends' names lasered off. Other notable absences:

Simon: in Ghana for the 2nd week in a row, working on a Harlem Shake video
Rich: trapped in a hot tub in the Rockies
Brian: still thinks the games are on thursday
Paul: contract negotiations are stalled
Joe 2N: did not finish ironing Kathleen Wynne's pantsuits in time for the game
Joe H: busy recruiting massage therapists for off-season training camp
Bruce: has been asked to consult on selection of new pope

Obama Praises Black Aces in State of the Union Address

In a move that has US news networks baffled, United States President Barack Obama took some time during his State of the Union address this evening to send a message of encouragement to a group of middle-aged amateur hockey players in Toronto Canada.

The State of the Union address is normally reserved for topics of importance to the United States, and for the most part Obama did keep to his script. Infrastructure, early childhood education, the economy and even climate change were key touchpoints during the speech. About half way through, however, the President appeared to veer from his prepared notes to talk about the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here's an excerpt.

"Now let me just say that in these challenging times, we all look for inspiration. We look for role models, people who can serve as a template for achievement and success. We often look to our athletic heroes as examples of what the human spirit can achieve when we allow ourselves to dream, and to reach for the stars. This past week I myself was inspired by a tremendous group of men from Toronto Canada, who somehow, against all odds, managed to put together 3 full periods of ice hockey against a bitter rival team. These brave men fought against their own terrible limitations - old age, injuries, a complete lack of hockey sense in some cases - and brought home their first victory of 2013, 5 to 2 over the Wyse Guys.

"Now some of you may also be facing a similar lack of talent, or poor health, or just a garden variety addiction to prescription crystal meth. Maybe you feel helpless, like your life can never turn around. I say to you, 'you're probably right, but if the Aces can bring home a win then maybe you can too'.  And so I ask you now, Democrats and Republicans alike, to join me in sending a big shout-out to my homeboys the Black Aces. Good luck in the playoffs you guys!"

This is how many games the Aces have won this year.

Obama then returned to the rest of his speech, summarized here for those who did not catch the event as it unfolded:

• America is great
• Republicans: total douchebags
• Guns are bad, unless they are killing Afghanistanianistas
• Fuck you Ted Nugent
• Jeff is bringing the beer this week
• Thank you and good night

What's Your Excuse?

Local hockey team the Black Aces continue to struggle in what some observers are calling their worst season in living memory in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Their most recent game (a 5-2 loss to the Battlers) was another in what is becoming a longish string of losing efforts, partly due to the team's inability to ice a full squad from week to week.

Missing Aces players have struggled to come up with all kinds of original excuses for not being there at game time, so in the interest of saving players time and effort, the Black Aces blog proudly presents the Wheel of Excuses. Did you miss the most recent game? Don't sweat it, friend, simply give the wheel a spin and call it in.

Sources close to the Aces blogging department say the Wheel of Excuses should be available as an app in the very near future. Blackberry only.

Ontario Teachers Rally in Support of Black Aces

Thousands of Ontario teachers took to the streets this weekend to rally in support of local hockey club the Black Aces. Media coverage erroneously reported the rally as a protest of some kind, possibly against the provincial Liberals, but sources confirm that the gathering was in fact all about the Aces.

"The Black Aces are composed almost entirely of secondary school teachers" said Richmond Hill science teacher Walter Mitchell during the march along Toronto's Carlton Street "and we're here to let them know that we're behind them 100%."

Braving the January cold, throngs of educators from across the province gathered in Toronto to shout encouragement to the struggling Aces team.

"Sure, the team is getting straight D's this year but with a little extra help I think we can have them back on track by the time the playoff report cards come out" shouted Glenda McManliest, girls gym teacher at Woburn Collegiate in Scarborough "If not, I think several hundred wind sprints followed by 2 straight hours of polishing my balls should be appropriate punishment. Basketballs. What did you think I meant?"

Even another loss in their latest contest, a 4-3 decision against the Warriors, wasn't enough to dampen the spirits of the massive crowd of (possibly drunk) teachers. A very boisterous group of young student teachers were especially enthusiastic about the team. "We just think there's nothing sexier than middle-aged teachers in short pants" enthused 22 year-old aspiring art teacher Wendy De Nubile "Hi Aubrey!! Wooooooo!"

The rally was picking up momentum until someone, possibly a math teacher, realized that everyone was actually there on 'extracurricular' time. Within minutes the streets had emptied, but the message of support and hope had been sent to the Aces.

Thank you, Ontario teachers.

Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Aces Mediocre Season

"I really think the playoffs are going to be different" 

In a much-anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey last week, former 7 time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong surprised everyone by apologizing not only for his own cheating and general douchebaggery but also for the performance of the Black Aces HC, a Toronto area beer league hockey team.

In spite of Winfrey's repeated attempts to get the interview back on track, a determined Armstrong kept bringing the conversation back around to the Aces.

Oprah Winfrey: "Yes or no, did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?"
Lance Armstrong: "Yes. And I'd just like to apologize to everyone who believed in me and in the Black Aces for lying about this, and for the sub-par season the team has been having so far this year."
OW: "Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?"
LA: "Yes. I also offered the Aces as much EPO as they wanted at the start of this season and to their credit they turned down the offer. I think that's admirable but I also think it might be one reason they keep running out of gas in the third period."
OW: "Wait a minute, what are you talking about? Who are these Black Aces?"
LA: "Great bunch of guys. They play in the COTHL, but they're having an off season so far and I know they feel terrible about it."
OW: "Maybe we should just stick to the subject of your use of performance enhancing drugs, Mr. Armstrong."
LA: "Sure, whatever. But I know they're going to turn things around, especially after their last game. They came from behind twice to tie the Wyse Guys 5-5, and might have a couple of new players in the lineup that I think could really make a dif-"
OW: "MR ARMSTRONG!"
LA: "Right, right, sorry. Cycling. Drugs. Gotcha. Go ahead."
OW: "Yes or no, in all seven of your Tour de France victories did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?"
LA:"Yes. I think it must be the injuries, and the aging factor."
OW: "You mean that led you to use drugs to keep your career going?"
LA: "No, I mean that account for the poor record of the Aces this year. Lots of guys out each week and hey, they're not getting any younger, you know what I mean?"
OW: "This interview is over."
LA: "Go Aces!! Early game this week!"

Aces Action Plan for Success

It's a funny old life, isn't it? One day you're up, next day you're down. One season your beer league hockey team is crushing league rivals like bugs, then the next season the universe decides you've had your fill of glory and your season looks more like this:

We're on the left.

The Black Aces, former heavyweights of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, find themselves in the unaccustomed position of last place in the league for 2012-2013. The reasons are varied, but mostly it comes down to two things:

1. The other teams got better
2. The Aces got worse.

That is not a happy combination. There is still time for a turnaround, of course, especially since our chances of making the playoffs are still good. How can the Aces accomplish this feat, you ask? What can they possibly do to salvage their season? Here are some options for the men in black to consider:

Subways! The Aces want subways!

A coaching change. Now that football season is over, Toronto 'mayor' Rob Ford has quite a bit of time on his hands. Sure, he knows jack about hockey but he knows fuck all about mayoring too and look where that got him. The Aces could hire Rob for the remainder of the season and hope for the best.

Better pharmaceuticals. Sure, Lance Armstrong was psychopathic cheater and liar but he had access to the best performance-enhancing drugs this side of the French Alps. Now that he's 'clean' and has no more need for all that awesome dope the Aces could probably score a couple of Fiat trunk-fulls of EPO, testosterone, human growth hormone and blood doping gear at a really good price. Since no one else from the league reads this blog, we would never be found out. As long as he doesn't squeal on us when he goes on Oprah we're golden.

Bribery. For years we've been supplying post-game refreshments to the officiating staff of the COTHL. It's time to call in that chit. Some well-timed penalties against the other clubs during the playoffs would go a long way towards evening the odds for the Aces. The downside to this plan is that we'd still have to come through with some timely goals in order to succeed. For that reason alone this plan is a long shot.

Please [deity_name], send us a sniper.

Prayer. It worked for Tim Tebow (for a while), it just might work for us. Just to be safe though we can't limit our supplications to a single deity. Since the Aces squad is a multi-faith concern, it behooves us to make the most of our diversity and beseech as many gods as we can. Jewish players, please be sure to send your prayers to the god of the old testament, Evangelicals can pray to the Great White Man in the Sky or to Saint Ronald Reagan (your choice). Raj, please put in a good word with Hanuman the Monkey God or with any of the thousands of Hindu minor deities available. Atheists please observe a minute of pre-game silence in honour of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Buddhists just stay cool and light some incense or something. 

If none of these plans work, please enjoy these inspirational posters: