A Letter to the Aces From Former Mayor Rob Ford

Dear Aces HC, 

Rob Ford here. I know you have been having an up and down season this year, so I thought I would write to you and offer my services to see if we can turn this thing around. Believe you me, I know what it’s like to have ups and downs. One minute you’re high fiving Don Cherry at City Hall, the next you’re calling 911 on some fat broad from the CBC. One day you’re ripping out some bike lanes that the good folks of Etobicoke never wanted on Jarvis Street, the next day you’re in trouble for speed dialling the head of the TTC just to see where your bus is. I don’t get it.

Anyway, now that I’m no longer the mayor I have a few extra hours each week to put into community activities. With the Don Bosco Eagles sidelined until next season now too, I’m looking for a team to coach. I know you’re not underpriveleged black kids or anything, but I heard you have one guy  on the team who’s like brown or something so we should be able to use that to our advantage when I muscle my business contacts for donations to the team. I'm pretty sure I still have some city letterhead left.

My brother Doug says I should lay low for a while and get ready for the next election in 2014, but I can’t spend every day at the sticker factory like he wants me to. Those guys in the loading dock are kind of mean to me on account of my weight, and the fact that I’m pretty much a total idiot. So I’m definitely free on wednesday nights. Plus I’m pretty sure there’s a KFC not far from Phil White Arena, so it’s a win-win for everyone.

Ok I have to go now, my cell phone is ringing again. Probably Ford Nation telling me how I should still be mayor so I can fight for that subway to Scarborough, or maybe it’s - oh wait, it’s that bitch Karen Stintz calling to laugh at me again for getting myself fired. Screw her, I’m not picking up.

So have someone give me a call, ok? Or come on down to the sticker factory any time and we’ll talk. 

Go Aces! Ford for coach! Also, Subways!

What a week.

Aces, Ice-Holes Stun Warriors

In their November 14 game, COTHL team the Black Aces pulled out a surprisingly one-sided victory against a heavily favoured  Warriors squad. 

A dejected Warriors team could barely muster the energy to open their Molson 67 ‘beers’ after the game, so disheartened were they to lose 6-1 to a team one Warrior allegedly described as ‘a bunch of geezers’.  Meanwhile in the Aces room the winners were busy shotgunning tallboys and re-enacting all the best scenes from Fight Club like real men.

“We just couldn’t get it going tonight” said a sad-faced Warriors player after the game, trying without success to crush his ’67 can. “Every time we put some pressure on we had to stop to repair a hole in the ice. It was like we were cursed or something.”

Regarding the poor ice conditions, this reporter has learned that there may have been more to it than dumb luck. Sources that cannot be named have come forward to say that the Aces pre-game routine now eschews a chalk talk and random ski reports for a more focused agenda of direct appeal to various deities, gods, saints, and demons. Unconfirmed reports have the men in black performing the following rituals in the days leading up to wednesdays:

Aubrey: prays to Saint Plante, patron saint of backup goaltenders

Ralph: sacrifices a raccoon in honour of Erishkigal, Sumerian goddess of the underworld

Joe 2 Names: performs a ritual fire dance to favour Ometeotl, Aztec god of duality (which gives him the ability to play either forward or defense)

Simon: provides vintage pornography to Sven, Norse god of ice-holes, pictured below.

mina kulor är frysta fast

Goal scorers: Toshi, Bruce (2), Rich, Brian, and maybe Joe.

Other highlights

The Aces once again wave goodbye to team sponsor and vicarious lifestyle provider Joe P as he jets off to warmer climes to continue his new career as hotel chambermaid ‘trainer’. 

Be nice to Brian M this week if he lines up facing the wrong way. He may not be fully recovered from taking a huge hit to the noggin in last week’s game. Just turn him around to face the other team’s net and he’ll be good to go.

All D Format Almost Pays Off for Aces

Another light turnout forced local hockey team the Black Aces to ice a new, some would say radical, lineup configuration in their latest COTHL game.

Shunning the traditional approach of putting forwards on the forward line and defencemen on defence, the Aces decided to roll the dice by sending two of their top D-men to a line with veteran  centre Rich W.

"Putting only forwards on the forward line is so last century" said team semiotician and Roland Barthes scholar Bruce H "These ossified structures have ceased to have any validity in the post postmodern era and so we reject them in favour of something more fluid, more dynamic, and ultimately more satisfying."

The Aces' post post modern gambit was only partially successful, as they earned a 4-4 tie with their cross town rivals the Warriors. Also, 3 of the 4 goals came from Aces forward Ralph R,  who apparently did not get the memo about the new configuration, and who may not have read the week's assigned reading, "A Semiotic Analysis of Modern Ice Hockey Positional Configurations in Recreational Amateur Competition" by Ferdinand de Saussure. The other goal was scored by your scribe and temporary right winger, who did read the assigned reading, albeit 18 years ago in university semiotics class.

Between the pipes for a second straight week was team dance instructor Aubrey S, whose off-ice work with the Toronto Blue Jays' fielding coach paid off in at least one nice catch.

Next weeks' reading assignment.

Aces HC Wake from Off-Season Slumber, Slaughter Wyse Guys

SSKREEEEEONGK!!!

In a development that has their tens of fans excited and relieved, local hockey club the Black Aces now appear to have woken from their golf-induced off-season torpor and are ready to play some hockey.

Unlike their first couple of performances this season, their latest contest saw the Aces deliver a decisive blow to COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys, hammering the men in red 8-3.

"I figure we've got 3 more games of good hockey in us" said team astrophysicist Bruce H after the game. "After that, ski season begins and we lose focus again until the spring. Usually until just after the playoffs."

Team guitar technician Paul F was not in the lineup against the Wyse Guys, but texted his agreement with Bruce's statement from a beach in Hawaii. "yah ski season is next, lol - then no time 4 hockey NE more :P"

The Aces were led by a 4 goal outburst from team pastry chef Brian M, followed by Mike K, Ralph R with another beauty, Bob D on the reacharound wraparound, and finally team sherpa wrangler and sponsor Joe P in his final game before continuing his world tour of leisure activity hotspots.

Amateur goalie Aubrey S was called up from the farm club to fill in for the missing Raj C, and outplayed his opposite number on the red squad by approximately 1100% in spite of refusing to catch a single puck all night. Well played, sir.

USADA Lance Armstrong Investigation Expands

In a dramatic new development, the recent investigation by USADA into the systematic use of performance-enhancing drugs by American cyclist Lance Armstrong has expanded to include local hockey team the Black Aces.

After a 3 goal outburst in the Aces' most recent game (a 6-4 victory over the Battlers), forward Ralph R has come under the scrutiny of the American doping watchdog agency.

"Ralph has never failed a drug test."

"This is a classic pattern we see many times with athletes using performance-enhancing substances" said USADA investigator Jim Wallace. "Long stretches of average performance followed suddenly by an outburst of achievement. Mr. R's hat-trick against the Battlers has caught our attention and we'll be interviewing him soon. We will also be asking him to pee into a bottle."

The hat-trick in question was indeed a beauty, with Ralph firing 2 of his 3 goals firmly into the top shelf of the Battlers' net. League records do not go back far enough to record when he last had a 3 goal night. Other goals were provided by Brian (2) and Aubrey (1).

Armstrong himself is coming to the defense of the Aces forward, stating that he has complete confidence that he will be found innocent of all charges. "Ralph has actually been following the same training system that powered me to a record 7 consecutive Tour de France victories" said Armstrong last week. "The key component of which is 'don't eat 8 slices of pizza right before a race, or in Ralph's case, a hockey game."

Aces Make Surprise Signing

In a move designed to bolster their ranks for the 2012-2013 season, local hockey club the Black Aces have reportedly signed controversial Guantanamo Bay inmate and non-skater Omar Khadr to the team.

Al, Joe, Omar, Raj, Aubrey.

"There's been some kind of a mix-up, actually." said Aces chief scout and contract negotiator Al H in a press conference earlier today. "I meant to sign Nazim Khadri of the Toronto Maple Leafs but by mistake I signed Omar Khadr instead. I'm not very good with ethnic names. Sorry about that."

Khadr is said to be thrilled with his contract, which pays him no money but does entitle him to one tallboy per week, to be consumed in a change room with a dozen or so other half-naked men. No word on whether or not he knows what a tallboy is.

In other hockey news, a Khadr-less Aces team fell 4-2 to league rivals the Warriors. The Aces got off to a quick start, scoring on their first shot on goal, but then decided to ease up for the rest of the first 2 periods. After falling behind 3-1, the blackshirts did put together a decent 3rd period. A goal from team Imam Aubrey S made it appear close for a time but the Warriors bagged another near the end to put the Aces out of their misery.

Aces Get Monkey Off Their Back

Regular readers of the Black Aces report will of course remember how close the team came last season to perfecting the last-minute collapse. On 2 occasions down the stretch run last year the Aces almost pulled it off, but managed to escape with 2 points in spite of their best efforts to come from ahead.

Well, good news, everyone! The men in black have finally nailed it, and in their first game of the 2012-2013 season.

After a see-saw 44 minutes with the Wyse Guys, the Aces were tied 4-4 going into the last minute of play. A scramble around the net resulted in that elusive late game goal for the enemy, and a 5-4 defeat for the blackshirts, squandering a 3 goal night by newcomer Alex and a 1 goal night by Mike K.

Sad, you say? Disappointing? NO! By finally securing the last minute loss the Aces now no longer have that particular monkey on their collective back. They are free to stop fucking around in their own end as the game draws to a close, free to not give it away in hopes of watching their opponents bury one just before the buzzer, and free clear the puck up the boards instead of dumping it into the slot as the clock ticks down.

Free at last, bitches! Joe, get a shot of this!

The rest of the season should be smooth sailing.