Aces Diagnosed with OCD

Local hockey team the Black Aces have officially been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, after their latest unsuccessful bid to move past the first round of the COTHL playoffs.

Doctors made the diagnosis after detecting patterns in the Aces' regular season and playoff results over the past 4 seasons. Each year during that time the team finished in first place during the regular season, then lost in the first round of the playoffs, often involving an overtime decision.

"I feel that the team is suffering from a classic case of OCD" said world-renowned behavioural disorder specialist Dr. Klaus von Klaus "They appear to be compelled to repeat the same action over and over again. One or two years of this repetitive behaviour may be a coincidence, but if I were the team's mother I would be very worried indeed."

Other specialists are concerned that the team may also be exhibiting signs of Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism that appears to be on the rise. Dr von Klaus agreed with this assessment, saying "The intense focus on a single topic of interest, in this case skiing, could indicate the presence of Aspergers or Aspergers-like symptoms. The Aces seem to talk of nothing else in the dressing room, even after losing critical games. This is troubling."

Did you know there have been 9 meters of snow at Whistler this year?

This year's early playoff exit came at the hands of the last place but suddenly formidable Bloor Battlers, whose team was stocked with seldom-seen talent and their usual playoff goalie. The Aces fought them to a 4-4 regulation draw on goals by Joe, Ralph, Bruce and finally Andrew (with 14 seconds left in the 3rd) but were overwhelmed in the extra period 4 on 4. Having two key players tossed from the game (Al for too many penalties, Glenn for a round of fisticuffs) did not help.

The Aces have the week off to fill their new prescriptions for Zoloft before returning for the final game of the season on March 21st.

Dirty Tricks Alleged in Latest Aces Win

"Your game is in Pickering"

After their latest shellacking of COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys, local hockey club the Black Aces stand accused by their opponents of employing political style tactics to get the win.

"I was robo-called" said Wyse Guys top scorer Bob 'Soft Hands' McSniper "and told the game had changed locations due to a flood at the Phil White Arena. I was sent to Art Thompson Arena in Pickering. By the time I figured out I'd been duped I had already downed 3 beers and hot dog. It was too late."

The Wyse Guys appeared to be missing a number of key players in addition to McSniper, and rumours of more robo-calls have been circulating. The Aces deny all charges.

"The Black Aces are not a part of any illegal activities" said team spokesthing Paul F via video conference call after the game. "We categorically deny involvement in this. In fact, we believe the calls to be the work of the Wyse Guys themselves, as part of a pre-playoff smear campaign against the Aces."

Dirty tricks or no, the Aces put together a near flawless game, crushing the red shirts 7-1. The final would have been a shutout but for a last minute goal that several Aces had a front row seat for but did nothing to prevent. Gastarbeiter goaltender Brent X held the enemy off the scoresheet with a double pronged approach: excellent netminding and an equipment pong so deadly as to keep most opponents well away from the net.

Not so for the Wyse Guys keeper, whom the Aces hit up for several questionable goals over the course of the night in spite of missing some of their own best snipers.

The Aces finish the season once again in first place as they have in several previous seasons. They'll be hoping to continue their success into the post season this time, which begins Wednesday March 7. As a gesture of solidarity, team life coach Joe P will be performing some extra hard surfing moves down in Mexico on the 7th.

Go Aces!

Aces Maintain Grip on First Place

In their last COTHL game, your Aces managed to maintain their grip on first place with yet another win over the last place Bloor Battlers. The Battlers, in case you were wondering, are so named not because of their battles against their opponents but rather against each other. Some sample dialogue from the Battlers' bench:

Player 1: hey, nice pass on that last shift, pal. Right in my skates, just where I like it.
Player 2: Really? How about next time I put it up your ass, where you really like it.
Player 1: I'll kill you!!
(bench fight ensues)

Player 3: Hey, buddy, you ever hear of backchecking?
Player 4: You ever hear of shutting the fuck up?
Player 3: I'll kill you!!
(bench fight ensues)

Player 5: Hey, nice shift out there bud.
Player 6: Really? Uh, thanks.
Player 5: Not really. You suck.
Player 6: I'll kill you!!
(bench fight ensues)

and so on.

Drinking Buddies.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Aces, who are all BFFs and long time drinking buddies, sailed through the game with nary a cross word between them. So polite were they in fact that they graciously spread the scoring around as much as possible in their 7-2 win over the Battlers. Scoring for the Aces (in no particular order): Gerry, Al, Bruce, Andrew (recently returned from hip replacement surgery), and three other guys I can't actually remember. Sorry! (Aubrey maybe? Ralph?)


Also back for the game was Joe P, keeping an eye on his on-ice investment and putting a foot down on Canadian soil for tax purposes. It was good to have both Joe and Andrew back in the lineup. No word yet on the return status of Mo, Neil, Mike, Leonard or Barry.

The Aces Blogging Department would also like to send a special namaste/hello to Jane in Kerala India, our most far-away reader and mother of Joe P. We are most pleased to keep you up to date on the very important events of the Canadian sports scene. If you have to explain it to your neighbours just say it's like field hockey without the skirts. Except for the Battlers. Hiyo!!

Warriors Many, Aces Few

In what was almost certainly the darkest day of the long and storied history of the Black Aces Hockey Club, their most recent game saw the team pretty much phone one in against an amped-up Warriors squad.

The final score? Let's not talk about that, friends. Suffice to say that the Warriors scored more goals than the Aces, who scored twice. Many more goals. Rather than dwell on how our heroes could not catch a bounce, or how uncharacteristically porous the defense was, or how the forwards forgot how to backcheck, or how the best goalie in the league played like the worst, let's instead focus on the boundless source of humour that is the internet.

Behold.

If Hitler Ran the Leafs


 (sadly this video seems to no longer be available. too bad, it's a classic)

In a similar vein, Hitler reacts to the online privacy backlash:



and just for the hell of it, this:

(again a restricted video. You can watch on YouTube though)

Jaan Pehechaan Ho

Aces Close to Perfecting Last Minute Collapse

As the 2011-2012 COTHL season unfolds, the Black Aces HC creep ever closer to their goal of perfecting the last minute collapse.

3 weeks ago the team came close, but ran out of time against the Wyse Guys and skated away with a 6-5 win in spite of a late game rally from the red team.

2 weeks ago the Blackshirts handed the Warriors the game by phoning in the 3rd period, for which they have not received proper thanks as of yet.

In their latest game the Aces came tantalizingly close to the holy grail - the last-minute loss. Outplaying the Wyse Guys again but tied at 2 in the third, the men in black put together a seemingly impossible series of blunders to enable the WGs to stick one in with just 1:01 remaining. So close, and a complete waste of a lovely short-handed goal by Ralph R to tie the game and set up the loss.

Most Aces players were philosophical about the loss after the game. "I feel bad that we lost, sure" said team philatelist Gerry S, casually smoking a Gitane and sipping from a tiny crystal goblet of absynthe "but we came so close to glory, and that is the main thing, you see. Soon, well, in several billion years or so, the sun will supernova and all life on this planet will be erased and none of this will matter anyway. And that is why I smoke."

"I've been studying the pattern of these late game screwups" said team statistical analyst Bruce H "and I've discovered that we are moving ever closer to throwing games away at precisely the one minute mark in a perfectly asymptotic progression. By my calculations we should lose the next game with exactly one minute and 6 seconds remaining. Here, looks at these charts. It's fascinating, really. Hello?"

Team coach Rob Ford was somewhat less willing to accept the loss. "Technically speaking, the score is irrelevent." said Ford after the game. "The Aces want a win, that's it. It's a win. People come up to me all the time and say 'we want the Aces to win' so that's what we're going to do. The Aces win. This is not over."

City, Union Reach Tentative Deal, Aces Season Saved

The city of Toronto and union local 416 have confirmed to Aces blogger Jeff M they have a tentative deal, avoiding a major work stoppage in Toronto and saving the Aces' season in the COTHL. 

"This is both good news and bad news" said blogger Jeff after hearing of the possible deal sunday morning. "I'm happy it looks like we will be able to continue to humiliate the other teams in the league like we did last week against the Battlers, but on the other hand I have several boxes full of 'Rob Ford Can Suck It' t-shirts in my garage that I may not be able to sell to city workers now. Then again he still has 2 more years in office, so you never know."

Although terms of the deal were not available at press time, our inside sources (ie. inside my head) have revealed a few of the key details that, incredibly, directly affect the Aces HC: 

• Full medical coverage for any player leaving the team due to injury or the effects of advancing age. This clause only kicks in next season, so Andrew, Mike, Neil, Barry, Leonard and Maurice are out of luck.
• Paul F will have his league fees paid in full by the city, but only if he plays in 90% of regular season games
• all bar tabs at Ferro's will be picked up by a special 'Victory Fund' for any post-game 'conferences' held by the Aces, but only if the team wins by shutout. Again, this begins next season so no refund for last week's session after hammering the Battlers 6-0.
• the Aces will be permitted to use any ex-Leaf goaltender as a backup on the nights when regular netminder Raj is unavailable.This gives the team a potential pool of 321 backup goalies, 322 as soon as Andrew Raycroft packs it in.

Rob Ford was also extremely pleased with the outcome of the negotiations. At a press conference this morning, the mayor and sometime Aces coach said "Blah blah blah unions blah blah gravy blah blah blah blah David Miller blah blah blah ferris wheel monorail. Go Aces!"

So, to recap: 

Aces 6, Battlers 0

Battlers 2 Hissyfits, Aces 0

Battlers 1 game misconduct, Aces 0

Still no sign of Paul F
Hat trick for Brian M
Rich W's stick bags another one

Aces lay a beating on the Battlers

Tragically, Hip.

To a now long list of players retired from the illustrious ranks of the Black Aces Hockey Club we must sadly add the name Andrew Tarch. Andrew, MIA in the previous couple of games, reluctantly turned in his game jersey on wednesday and announced his retirement from the team due to the onset of arthritis in his hip.

Andrew left the door open to a return to the ice after completing the recommended physiotherapy, but for now he is officially on the permanent DL.  In the meantime Andrew will be free to enjoy his retirement by sailing his yacht, wearing sweater vests and taking loads of Cialis. His wife could not be reached for comment.

In an emotional tribute to Andrew's contributions to the team over the years, team mixologist Ralph R took a 6 minute shift in the 3rd period.

In other news, the Aces fell 5-2 to the Warriors in spite of the white team being without several of their star players. The Aces also were down a few bodies and essentially ran out of gas in the 3rd, allowing a 2-2 tie to slip away from them.

"I thought we needed just one more player out there" said team luthier Gerry S after the game. "Like, say, a rangy left winger with good speed sort of like that guy who retired tonight. What was his name again? Right, Andrew. Something like that guy."

Part time goaltender and team dry goods specialist Aubrey S. spent the night between the pipes, filling in for regular and league all-star Raj C. A solid game was not enough however. Some unlucky bounces combined with a tired squad and that was that. Aces players had to console a dejected Aubrey after the game by reminding him that the loss was not his fault, but primarily the fault of Andrew for retiring just when his team needed him most. Andrew's jersey was ceremonially burned in the parking lot after the game and doused with two tall boys of leftover Bavaria beer from 8 weeks ago.

Please also note that in case of a municipal strike (and the termination of the season due to lack of facilities staff at Phil White Arena) next week's game will be held at Ferro's. Equipment optional.

Fuck you, Cedarvale Oldtimers's Hockey League!