Tragically, Hip.

To a now long list of players retired from the illustrious ranks of the Black Aces Hockey Club we must sadly add the name Andrew Tarch. Andrew, MIA in the previous couple of games, reluctantly turned in his game jersey on wednesday and announced his retirement from the team due to the onset of arthritis in his hip.

Andrew left the door open to a return to the ice after completing the recommended physiotherapy, but for now he is officially on the permanent DL.  In the meantime Andrew will be free to enjoy his retirement by sailing his yacht, wearing sweater vests and taking loads of Cialis. His wife could not be reached for comment.

In an emotional tribute to Andrew's contributions to the team over the years, team mixologist Ralph R took a 6 minute shift in the 3rd period.

In other news, the Aces fell 5-2 to the Warriors in spite of the white team being without several of their star players. The Aces also were down a few bodies and essentially ran out of gas in the 3rd, allowing a 2-2 tie to slip away from them.

"I thought we needed just one more player out there" said team luthier Gerry S after the game. "Like, say, a rangy left winger with good speed sort of like that guy who retired tonight. What was his name again? Right, Andrew. Something like that guy."

Part time goaltender and team dry goods specialist Aubrey S. spent the night between the pipes, filling in for regular and league all-star Raj C. A solid game was not enough however. Some unlucky bounces combined with a tired squad and that was that. Aces players had to console a dejected Aubrey after the game by reminding him that the loss was not his fault, but primarily the fault of Andrew for retiring just when his team needed him most. Andrew's jersey was ceremonially burned in the parking lot after the game and doused with two tall boys of leftover Bavaria beer from 8 weeks ago.

Please also note that in case of a municipal strike (and the termination of the season due to lack of facilities staff at Phil White Arena) next week's game will be held at Ferro's. Equipment optional.

Fuck you, Cedarvale Oldtimers's Hockey League!

Aces Narrowly Avert Draft Format with Last Minute Anti-Heroics

"I choose... the kid with the Mexican villa"

In a move that will surely go down in team history, local hockey team tbe Black Aces narrowly averted a devastating League format change by executing a controlled dive in the dying minutes of their latest game.

The Aces, first of all, managed to defeat the Wyse Guys 6-5. But let's back up about one hour to the pre-game dressing room banter. Since there was still about 6 minutes to game time, most of the team was still en route to the arena. Team Spiritual Advisor and league representative Aubrey S. reported that the COTHL was considering implementing a draft for next season. Like a real league, or the NHL This did not go over well with any of the 4 players then in the room, and as the other 6 arrived in the next 3 minutes the news spread like wildfire, with similar results.

"This cannot be allowed to happen" grumbled team mink farmer Al H "I just finally learned everyone's name! I can't start over again, I just can't."

And so a plan was hatched. In order to lower their stock in the eyes of the other teams and hopefully scuttle all talk of a comeraderie-destroying draft, the Aces decided to 'take the night off'. Unfortunately the plan did not go perfectly, as the team accidentally ran up a 6-2 lead with scant minutes to play.

With no time for even a quick pow-wow, the Aces somehow were able to orchestrate a 3 goal rally for the Wyse Guys, who up to that point had looked pretty beatable. Unfortunately time was not on the Aces' side, and the Wyse Guys bagged their 5th goal with only 8 seconds to play. There would not be enough time to complete the rally after all.

Mission accomplished, however, as word of the almost total collapse must surely have spread to the other 2 teams. The team is expecting a full report from Aubrey at the next game.

God Abandons Tim Tebow in Favour of Obscure Canadian Hockey Player

Tebow tries his best to make a "W". A sign?

In an unexpected turn of events that Evangelical Christians across the United States are describing as ‘unexpected’, God, Creator of the Entire Universe and Everything In It, has unexpectedly transferred his apparently limited sporting allegiance from NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to a little-known beer league hockey player in Toronto Canada.

“I was getting tired of that Tebow character” God is reported to have Said. “All that kneeling and stuff, and the bible verses in the eye black, what is that all about? Besides, football is gay, and everyone knows I hate fags, right? Just kidding! Relax, for My sake. I don't hate the gays. You can edit that out, right?”

But football IS kind of gay.

Had Tebow supporters and bookies across America been paying more attention to the Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League last week, they would have known that his miraculous run was about to end. The Black Aces finally ended their 3 game tying streak with a 3-1 victory over the Bloor Battlers in spite of being without their all star goaltender Raj C. While this alone may fall somewhat short of qualifying as a miracle on ice, it was the continued goal scoring flurry of Aces winger and double shoulder amputee Rich W that puts the result solidly in the Deity Influenced Sporting Victory category.

In spite of seriously impaired shoulder mobility, Rich was able to pot his third goal in the last two games. He modestly attributed his success to the recent acquisition of a new carbon fiber stick, never realizing that all along it was God Himself who was guiding his hand.

“I’m not a religious man” said Rich after being told of the Divine influence on his recent scoring prowess “but thank God we had God on our side that night. I’m just sorry that millions of Christian football fans across the United States had to be disappointed on saturday.”

Experts currently disagree whether or not God will continue to bestow His bounty upon Rich and the Aces Hockey Club, but the current betting line on this week’s game is Aces by 10.

Enemy Agents Infiltrate Aces, Cause Tie

In a cunning and evil turn of events, local hockey team the Black Aces were infiltrated by agents from rival squad the Bloor Battlers in their most recent game. Several Aces players were unaccountably absent from their match against the Warriors, which necessitated the recruitment of 2 men from the night's early game.

No satisfactory reason has yet been given for the manpower shortfall, but police have been called in and continue to not investigate.

All was going well for most of the game, with the recruits doing a good job of seeming to help the blackshirts in their quest to remain at the top of the COTHL standings. Plays were made, opponents were thwarted, and although no goals were scored by the callups they looked for all intents and purposes like they were really playing for the Aces.

Which makes what happened all the more dastardly.

Up 2-1 with under a minute to play, the Aces lined up for a critical faceoff in their own zone. With the recruits safely on the bench and unable to contribute in any way, the men in black were not able to prevent the white squad from winning the draw back to their sharpest shooter, who immediately fired the puck into the Aces net for the draw.

How obvious, in retrospect. The enemy players (as they shall now be called, for that is what they most certainly were) must have been instructed to give 100%, or possibly even 110% for 99% of the game, thereby luring the Aces into a false sense of trust. Then, carefully engineering a faceoff deep in the Aces zone with only seconds to play, these evildoers were to head to the bench pleading 'tiredness', thereby leaving the hapless Aces to their own devices. Such wickedness has not been seen in the COTHL in many a season.

"What I can't believe," said team barista and goaltender Raj C afterwards "is how they just drank our beer after the game like nothing happened. They left us hanging, then enjoyed a cold beverage without blinking an eye. That's just cold."

"I've never felt so betrayed" said team aromatherapist Bruce H "as I do right now. I thought those guys were on our side, I really did. The world is a dark place, let me tell you."

The tie was the second in a row for the Black Aces, who are now re-thinking their 'compact' lineup in light of this latest result. Team depillatorialist and playing coach Aubrey S was said to be considering a mandatory attendance rule for next game. He was also said to be neck deep in a hot tub in Canmore, but that's a different story.

I know Movember is over.

Aces Give Themselves a Tie for Christmas

In their final game of 2011, local hockey team the Black Aces took the traditional route and gifted themselves a tie for the holiday season. 

Facing off against perennial rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces once again hit the ice with their ‘compact’ lineup: 5 forwards and 3 defense, plus regular netminder Raj C between the pipes. The game was a high-paced one from start to finish, with the red shirts seemingly trying to wear the black shirts down by rolling 6 full lines of skaters plus 6 D. This tactic would prove to have little effect, however, as the Aces superior conditioning allowed them to easily keep pace with their numerous but doughy opponents.

In addition to their rigorous off-ice training regimen, the Aces also had an extra bit of inspiration up their sleeves: the recent demise of team spiritual guide and Dear Leader Kim Jong Il. 

“The Dear Leader was watching over us” said team rice technologist Rich W “we definitely felt his divine presence, especially during the 3rd period when we were down one goal to the imperialist dogs of the Wyse Guys team”. 

“In spite of the tears of sadness that filled our eyes,” added team surveillance expert Gerry S “we were able to avoid defeat at the hands of the hated enemy. Without the spiritual guidance of the Supreme Leader, this would not have been possible. If only he were alive to share in our great glory, this would be the most awesome Christmas ever. Even better than the year the wife gave me a Playstation 3.”

“I couldn’t make it to the game, I had a previous engagement” said team shrubbery inspector Paul F next day via shortwave radio “ honestly, I’m so sorry... please don’t send me to Pyongyang...”

The Black Aces are presently resting up for the 2012 stretch run to the playoffs and ultimate victory. Rumours that the team is developing a nuclear warhead are completely unfounded and are merely the musings of the left-wing blogging community and the Toronto Star. 

That's right bitches, only 5 forwards.

Great Leader Inspires Aces to 1-1 Victory

In a year marked by much turmoil, Toronto Mayor Rob "Fucking" Ford just posted a list of his "achievements" on his Facebook page. Sure there was a lot of hoopla about gravy and ferris wheels (bad and good), subway trains and bike lanes (good and bad), but Ford's real accomplishments actually took place away from City Hall.

Everyone knows Ford is a dedicated football coach, guiding troubled young men away from gangs and criminal activity and towards more wholesome pursuits like bashing skulls and showering together, but few know that Rob also takes the time to mentor another group of socially challenged athletes.

That's right, Rob Ford is the coach of the Black Aces.

Oh sure, he may not actually attend the games, but  his spirit inspires every Aces player in much the same way the spirit of the late Kim Jong Il must now be inspiring every North Korean to strive for greatness (and the South Korean border).

Here is a partial list of Coach Ford's accomplishments so far this season:

1. successfully replaced post-game gravy with real beer
2. removed 90 feet of bike lanes from the middle of the Cedarvale Arena ice surface
3. Aces now ice 25% fewer players than opposing teams while still maintaining hold on first place
4. secured Mexican operations base for mid-season rejuvenation program
5. blamed David Miller for all past losses

Point #3 was amply illustrated in the Aces most recent game against the Battlers, a hard-fought contest that saw a depleted Aces bench (5 forwards and 3 D) hold a feisty Battlers squad (2 full lines plus 4 D) off the score sheet for most of the game. The final score was regrettably 1-1, thanks not only to Mayor Ford's divine guidance but also to another standout game between the pipes for Aces netminder Raj C.

"Do the math" said a gloating Ford after the game, via cell phone. "They had 10 skaters, we had 8. That's like only half as many, so really we won 2-1. Hey! Get outta the bike lane asshole, that's my lane!"

If this trend continues the Aces should win 150% of their remaining games this season.

Do the math!

Heroic Goal Fails to Inspire Aces

In spite of scoring a goal that hockey analysts around the planet are calling 'spectacular', 'heroic', and 'whatever', Black Aces team scribe Jeff M was unable to lift his team to victory in their latest COTHL contest.

Facing off against their arch-rivals the Warriors, the Aces were coming off a convincing 8-3 shellacking of their nemesises the Wyse Guys the week before. The game began as games against the Warriors often do, with the white shirts putting on the pressure from the opening face off. The Aces relied as usual on the superb goaltending of Raj Stopalingam while they got themselves into the mood, taking long lazy skates for the first couple of shifts whilst they got warmed up and finished their beers on the bench.

Meanwhile the Warriors were burning through their pre-game Red Bulls by peppering Raj with shot after shot until Aces defender Jeff broke free in the Warriors end, cruised over the blue line and fired a quick snap shot at the Warriors net.  Seeing a juicy rebound, he powered through the towering Warriors D, only to be grappled desperately about the shoulders in a highly suspect and almost certainly illegal manner. 

Not to be denied, he was somehow (and the lack of instant replay makes this difficult to analyse, or indeed prove) able to kick the loose puck to his stick, deke the lunging goalie and shake off the Warriors defense before sliding the puck across the line from a tough angle. 

Several national newspaper reporters immediately ran to the lobby phonebooths to call in their game reports, and at least two hockey moms were seen to push their teenaged daughters towards the Aces dressing room at about the same time.

As the game progressed, it seemed that the 1-0 lead would hold up, but the gods of beer league hockey are fickle. The game would remain close, with the two teams battling to a 3-3 tie in the third period. The ultimate difference in the score would be determined by 2 freak bounces - each time the puck landed as if by magic on the stick of an uncovered Warrior in front of the Aces net, and each time mighty Raj had no hope of getting in front of the shot.

Together with an Aces power play that was intent on exploring new dimensions in futility, those bounces resulted in a 5-3 loss for your Aces. A sad day indeed, especially since this was to be the last game of 2011 for team sponsor and spiritual guide Joe P. Joe is off to Mexico to resume his duties as Proctor of the  Bucerias School for Nubile Chambermaids. It would have been nice to send him off with a win but no doubt Joe's duties at the school will keep his mind off the loss.