Great Leader Inspires Aces to 1-1 Victory

In a year marked by much turmoil, Toronto Mayor Rob "Fucking" Ford just posted a list of his "achievements" on his Facebook page. Sure there was a lot of hoopla about gravy and ferris wheels (bad and good), subway trains and bike lanes (good and bad), but Ford's real accomplishments actually took place away from City Hall.

Everyone knows Ford is a dedicated football coach, guiding troubled young men away from gangs and criminal activity and towards more wholesome pursuits like bashing skulls and showering together, but few know that Rob also takes the time to mentor another group of socially challenged athletes.

That's right, Rob Ford is the coach of the Black Aces.

Oh sure, he may not actually attend the games, but  his spirit inspires every Aces player in much the same way the spirit of the late Kim Jong Il must now be inspiring every North Korean to strive for greatness (and the South Korean border).

Here is a partial list of Coach Ford's accomplishments so far this season:

1. successfully replaced post-game gravy with real beer
2. removed 90 feet of bike lanes from the middle of the Cedarvale Arena ice surface
3. Aces now ice 25% fewer players than opposing teams while still maintaining hold on first place
4. secured Mexican operations base for mid-season rejuvenation program
5. blamed David Miller for all past losses

Point #3 was amply illustrated in the Aces most recent game against the Battlers, a hard-fought contest that saw a depleted Aces bench (5 forwards and 3 D) hold a feisty Battlers squad (2 full lines plus 4 D) off the score sheet for most of the game. The final score was regrettably 1-1, thanks not only to Mayor Ford's divine guidance but also to another standout game between the pipes for Aces netminder Raj C.

"Do the math" said a gloating Ford after the game, via cell phone. "They had 10 skaters, we had 8. That's like only half as many, so really we won 2-1. Hey! Get outta the bike lane asshole, that's my lane!"

If this trend continues the Aces should win 150% of their remaining games this season.

Do the math!

Heroic Goal Fails to Inspire Aces

In spite of scoring a goal that hockey analysts around the planet are calling 'spectacular', 'heroic', and 'whatever', Black Aces team scribe Jeff M was unable to lift his team to victory in their latest COTHL contest.

Facing off against their arch-rivals the Warriors, the Aces were coming off a convincing 8-3 shellacking of their nemesises the Wyse Guys the week before. The game began as games against the Warriors often do, with the white shirts putting on the pressure from the opening face off. The Aces relied as usual on the superb goaltending of Raj Stopalingam while they got themselves into the mood, taking long lazy skates for the first couple of shifts whilst they got warmed up and finished their beers on the bench.

Meanwhile the Warriors were burning through their pre-game Red Bulls by peppering Raj with shot after shot until Aces defender Jeff broke free in the Warriors end, cruised over the blue line and fired a quick snap shot at the Warriors net.  Seeing a juicy rebound, he powered through the towering Warriors D, only to be grappled desperately about the shoulders in a highly suspect and almost certainly illegal manner. 

Not to be denied, he was somehow (and the lack of instant replay makes this difficult to analyse, or indeed prove) able to kick the loose puck to his stick, deke the lunging goalie and shake off the Warriors defense before sliding the puck across the line from a tough angle. 

Several national newspaper reporters immediately ran to the lobby phonebooths to call in their game reports, and at least two hockey moms were seen to push their teenaged daughters towards the Aces dressing room at about the same time.

As the game progressed, it seemed that the 1-0 lead would hold up, but the gods of beer league hockey are fickle. The game would remain close, with the two teams battling to a 3-3 tie in the third period. The ultimate difference in the score would be determined by 2 freak bounces - each time the puck landed as if by magic on the stick of an uncovered Warrior in front of the Aces net, and each time mighty Raj had no hope of getting in front of the shot.

Together with an Aces power play that was intent on exploring new dimensions in futility, those bounces resulted in a 5-3 loss for your Aces. A sad day indeed, especially since this was to be the last game of 2011 for team sponsor and spiritual guide Joe P. Joe is off to Mexico to resume his duties as Proctor of the  Bucerias School for Nubile Chambermaids. It would have been nice to send him off with a win but no doubt Joe's duties at the school will keep his mind off the loss.

Post-Game Highlights

Don't tase me, bro.

It’s a well-known phenomenon that after an intense game of beer-league ice hockey, players often have a hard time winding down. Sleep can be elusive as the mind replays the game just played in minute detail, and players must oftentimes engage in odd activities in order to pass the time until they can finally chill out enough to get some sleep. 

Recently scientists in the privately funded Institute of Recreational Sports-Related Sleep  Disorders concluded a study in which they secretly followed a test group of athletes from the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. The results of this groundbreaking 5 year study have not yet been released, but your intrepid Black Aces Blogger has secured a preview of their findings. Which he will share with you now, of course.

The most surprising data to emerge from the study, entitled Post-Game Nocturnal Activities of Adult Recreational Ice Hockey League Participants, is the differences noted between players on three of the four teams in the COTHL and players on the Black Aces. While non-Aces players engaged in boring activities like drinking beer and re-watching TIVO’d episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter, most Aces players were found to have a much richer and wider range of post-game activities. For instance, after the team’s latest 5-2 victory over the Warriors,

• Al - knitted six pairs of tiny mittens out of cat fur scavenged from sofa cushions and the legs of corduroy trousers
• Ralph - celebrated a 2 goal night by bow-hunting for opossum in Cedarvale ravine. 
• Joe P - wound down after his 2 goal performance by carving a 'really cool' bong out of an illegally obtained block of rare Tibetan Mountain Pine
• Bruce - continued training the kitchen mice to wear the tiny sequined  outfits he sewed for his planned all-rodent, all-male musical production “It’s Raining Mice and Men”
• Andrew - continued his ongoing construction of a fully functioning woman out of Lego and partially chewed cheetos
• Aubrey - currently on IR, has been hanging out on the Twilight Fans online discussion forum, to date posting over 700 entries as 'Edward4Ever'
• Raj - is working towards his degree in small mammal repair from the People’s  Veterinary College and Dynamite Manufactory of Xianxiu China (over 6 days fatality free!)
• Paul - was busy doing some late night negotiating with the Bush Twins (Barbara and Jenna)  to act as official spokeswomen for his upcoming VaJanuary campaign.
• Gerry - enjoyed watching and re-watching TIVO'd episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey 

The activities of the rest of the team will all be included in the January 2012 issue of the Canadian Journal of Interesting Things. I’m sure we’re all looking forward to picking it up. 

New Protocol for 0-0 Ties

To:         All teams in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League
From:    COTHL Senior Management Group
Subject: 0-0 Tie Games, New Rules

As at least half of you may have heard, last wednesday's game between the Black Aces and the Bloor Battlers ended in a disgusting 0-0 tie. That's right, you heard correctly. A lousy, good-for-nothing, lame-ass zero-zero tie. No goals. None. Not a sausage. We watched the tapes, it was appalling.

In order to prevent such an embarrassing event from ever happening again in our league, the Senior Management Group of the COTHL (also known as the Elders of Cedarvale) hereby introduce the following protocol for settling games where nobody has the balls to score even one fucking goal over three whole fucking periods.

IF, after 3 complete periods no goals have been scored, a 5 minute overtime period will be played.
IF still no goals have been scored by any of the pathetic excuses for hockey players on either team, another 5 minute overtime period will be played in a four-on-four format.
IF both teams are still too weak to put the puck in the net, another 5 minute overtime period will be played but this time each team will ice 6 skaters and no goalie.
IF both teams are still so completely useless that they can't score in an open net, yet another 5 minute overtime period will be played. Goalies go back in, but we continue with 6 skaters.
IF this piece of shit game is still tied at zeroes we'll keep adding players until both teams have every player on the ice.
IF the two teams continue to sully the good name and exalted history of the COTHL by refusing to put one over the line, another 5 minute overtime period will be played, this time with 2 pucks. Pretty much a gong show by this point.
IF the gong show format fails to settle things (and we really hope it doesn't get to this point, seriously) goalies will be relieved of their pads and gloves. Surely to God one of the 'hockey players' out there can bulge the twine now, right? Anyone?

In the extremely unlikely event that after all this, not a single man on either team can summon the strength to propel a little black rubber puck over the goal line, then and only then will we go to a shootout.

If the shootout fails to settle things, the Elders of Cedarvale will pay each player on each team a visit to kick your sorry asses and revoke your Beer League Hockey Licences. Permanently. You pussies.

Let's hope we see no more 0-0 ties this or any other year.

The Elders of Cedarvale

"Can you believe those little bitches? Not even one goal."

Warriors Call 9-1-1 on Aces

The following is an actual transcript of a 9-1-1 call placed on Wednesday October 26, 2011.

We're getting slaughtered here!

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Uh, hi, this is [redacted] of the Warriors over at Phil White arena. We're getting slaughtered here!
Operator: Did you say slaughter? Is there some kind of assault taking place sir?
Caller: Okay maybe slaughter is not quite right, but it's the middle of the second and we're down 2-0 to those punk-ass Black Aces.
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: What?
Operator: You said 'ass', sir. That is considered profane and/or abusive language under the terms and conditions of our collective bargaining agreement. If you continue to be abusive I will have to terminate this call.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about?
Operator: *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Yah, this is [redacted] again at Phil White Arena. I called just a minute ago. It's 3-0 now! Are you happy? We're getting killed!!
Operator: Sir, who is getting killed? Are you injured?
Caller: Oh Christ! They just scored another one! This is terrible! You have to send the cops over right now to take care of this shit!
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: Oh for fuck's sakes
Operator: *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Listen, bitch, don't you know who I am? I'm [redacted] fucking [redacted] of the fucking Warriors hockey club! I am the captain of this fucking team!! If the cops aren't here in 5 fucking minutes I'm coming down there to personally stick your headset up your – oh hey, we just scored. Lemme call you back. *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Are you happy now? Those black shirted bastards just beat us 5-2 and you assholes wouldn't lift a finger to help. This is all David Miller's fault. *click*

In other, unrelated 9-1-1 news, this apparently happened on the same day.

Probation Period Almost Over for New Aces

The newest members of the Black Aces Hockey Club continue to play well, contributing 4 goals between them during the Aces' most recent outing. Both Jerry and Glenn bagged a pair in the Aces' thrilling come-from-behind 7-5 victory over the Wyse Guys.

Never mind the post-game beer, just get out there.

Neither player is out of the woods just yet though, explained team cryptographer Joe D; "Yes, they've played well in their first four games, no doubt about that" said Joe after the game last Wednesday "but we need to be extra sure that they are the right fit four our team. This has nothing to do with the well-known phenomenon of players vying for permanent status playing way over their heads, not at all. We just want to be certain that their incredibly solid play so far hasn't been a series of highly unlikely flukes."

"Just because they've both been outstanding" added team hair colourist Bruce H "doesn't mean we should just make them an offer. Sure, their combined contributions have helped put us into first place, but that doesn't get them an automatic spot on the payroll. A couple more games and we'll see."

The Aces currently sit tied for first with the Wyse Guys after an epic comeback in their last meeting. Down 4-1 at the start of the second period after a 3 goal flurry from the redshirts, the Aces were playing well but seemed about to fall once again to the first place team. The frustration on the black squad was palpable, until the potentially skilled duo of Glenn and Jerry possibly inspired the rest of the team with some allegedly excellent play. Six unanswered goals later and the Aces were ahead 7-4 and cruising to a sweet victory. One meaningless goal for red while Glenn & Jerry were coincidentally off the ice meant nothing.

"One or two, possibly five more games and we'll take down that classified ad we've got running in the local paper" said team public relations consultant Paul F from his downtown office, where he frequently observes the team on closed circuit television. "I've got a good feeling about this."

Goal roundup: Glenn Newguy: 2  Jerry Newguy: 2 Ralph R: 2 Joe D-S: 1

Aces Get All Science-y to Beat Battlers

As some of you may already know, in addition to exploring the limits of human alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation, the Black Aces HC off-season activities included the establishment of a high-level hockey think tank. The Centre for Research Into New Generation Hockey Experiments, or CRINGHE, was tasked with devising new strategic approaches for the Aces, thereby giving them an advantage in the 2011-2012 edition  of the COTHL.

Science. It's Like, Awesome or Something.

Some of their cutting edge output this summer included radical, out-of-the-box ideas that have the potential to change the game of hockey forever. Including:

1. Beers to be consumed BEFORE the game instead of after.
2. Goalies to wear Kodiaks in place of skates for better traction.
3. Every player to wear a heads up video display during the game. This is to enhance the action with 'augmented reality' information, but also to ensure no episodes of ‘Raising Hope’ are missed. That’s a really good show. (Note: the PVR budget for the CRINGHE team was not approved).
4. No more positions. Every player to simply chase the puck wherever it goes, thereby overwhelming the opposition. This is a simple strategy that any player can understand (see point #1).
5. New positional configurations (in case Point #4 is rejected or unsuccessful), including the 4-1-1 (the Crash the Net Strategy), the 0-5-1 (the Neutral Zone Clusterf**k), the 2-2-2 (Double Goalie Configuration) and perhaps most radically of all, the 3-3-0: the No Goalie Required.

Incredibly, it would be in only the 3^rd game of the season that the investment in CRINGHE would pay off. With netminder and team opossum whisperer Raj C unable to make the game due to a tragic carjacking incident in Newmarket, the Aces were without a goalie at the start of the game. A replacement keeper was found, but team pro cyclist Aubrey S would have to venture out into the rainy night to retrieve him. Aubrey, normally the Aces’ backup goalie, was sidelined due to an injury sustained attempting to back flip his bike off a 30’ drop riding through a puddle.

The Aces, meanwhile, would have to employ the 3-3-0 lineup: 3 forwards, 3 defense, no goalie. It was ‘put up or shut up’ time.

Thanks to some quick consulting and a lovely powerpoint presentation from team graphic designer Jeff M, the defense corps soon came up with the correct approach to keep the Bloor Battlers from putting the puck in the Aces’ empty net. Their tactics, deceptively simple, can best be summed up as “Don’t let those other guys score”. It worked beautifully, and by the time Aubrey returned with the emergency backup netminder the Aces were starting the second period with a 1-0 lead on a goal from team toboggan builder Rich W.

Emboldened by their success, the Aces continued to dominate the now demoralized Battler squad and finished with a 2-0 win, their second consecutive shutout. If this continues, the $600 clipboard budget for CRINGHE researchers will not have been squandered after all.


Big thanks to emergency netminder (Tooey? Did I hear that right?) who by the way was fully sighted and did not have an artificial leg.