Bench Strength = Ice Weakness

Former league-leaders the Black Aces suffered their second consecutive loss this past week as the Bloor Battlers cruised to a 5-2 victory over the blackshirts.

An unexpected convergence of player availability on the Aces' side led to extreme overcrowding on the bench. The Aces attempted to roll 4 lines and 6 defense, but the line-change algorithm proved to complex for the team to master.

"I had no idea what was going on out there" said team Pilates expert Aubrey S after the game. "The coach tried to explain the math behind the line changes before the game but all those quadratic equations made my eyes glaze over. I figured someone else would understand it but I guess not."

Game footage was unavailable at press time, but we do have an illustrative video of the chaos that took place at the Aces bench:

Several players apparently gave up on ever getting onto the ice and opted instead to start an impromptu poker tournament while waiting for their next shift. Injured winger Rich W stepped in to play the house and walked away with over $400 from a few hands of Texas Hold'em. "Looks like the Battlers weren't the only winners tonight" remarked Rich after the game, stuffing a huge roll into his jacket pocket. "Thanks, boys."

Team physicist and guest lecturer at Waterloo's Perimeter Institute Andrew T is currently hard at work on a simpler line-change formula. "Apparently my perfectly simple and elegant algorithm was 'too complicated' for the geniuses on the Aces" said an air-quoting Andrew "So I'll try make it easier to understand in case we ever get a full turnout again."

That seems unlikely given the rumoured retirement of Art W (starting a sheep farm in New Zealand), Paul F (dropping out of society to follow the band Down With Webster around the world on their upcoming tour), Raj C (opening an oyster bar on King Street W) and Joe Himalaya (opening a school for wayward teenage Mexican chambermaids at an undisclosed location). There should be plenty of room on the bench from now on, and the line change formula will probably not contain any irrational numbers or references to Planck's Constant.

Aces Hockey Club Earns Fitting Post-Game Reward

In their most recent COTHL wednesday night game, area hockey team the Black Aces were greeted by a post-game surprise that eerily matched their efforts for the previous 45 minutes.

Going down 6-2 to the Warriors, the Aces were rewarded afterwards with giant bag of... women's cosmetics. Quickly pouncing on the stash, with an estimated street value of $800, the Aces made quick work of distributing the loot. Blush, eyeliner, nail polish, 'charged water' and many other mysterious products found their way into the Aces' equipment bags and eventually into the waiting and appreciative hands of girlfriends and spouses. Perhaps both.

"This is perfect" said team nail technician Bruce H "We played like girls tonight, and now look at all this great stuff... for our girlfriends... or spouses."

Coming just a week after a Heroic Comeback Effort, the loss knocked the blackshirts out of a first place tie with the Warriors.

"Sure we're disappointed" said team waxing technologist Raj C. "But look, I scored some wicked foundation! This stuff is worth like eighty bucks retail! Christmas shopping complete."

Team Sugardaddy Bob J, the source of the unexpected bounty, refused to reveal where the swanky toiletries had come from. "I'm not at liberty to say" said Bob "but if we lose like that again I'll be bringing in a truckload of Bon Jovi CDs and some Thighmasters ^®."

Aces Make History with Heroic Comeback Effort

When the white man arrived in North America, 75 million bison roamed the great plains, filling the earth from horizon to horizon. As the railroad pushed westward, the American government ordered the bison slaughtered in order to make way for cattle ranchers and their herds and by 1895 it was said that fewer than 1,000 animals remained. Fast forward to present day, however, and the bison are making a comeback. Thanks to ranchers in both Canada and the U.S. and to foodie elites with a taste for exotic meat there are now 500,000 and that number is growing.

Is this the greatest comeback story of all time? No.

In 1975 a young actor named John Travolta starred in the hit tv comedy Welcome Back Kotter. Travolta would later go on to fame as the lead in such films as Saturday Night Fever and Urban Cowboy before flaming out in string of duds, including Perfect (with Jamie Lee Curtis) and the forgettable Two of a Kind with Olivia Newton John. Travolta's career hit the deck, hard, but was revived in 1994 by director Quentin Tarantino when he cast the down-and-out actor in Pulp Fiction, thus saving his career and possibly his life.

Is this, then, the greatest comeback story of all time? Again, no.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010. Local hockey team the Black Aces are up against their league rivals the Wyse Guys once again. Things go well until midway through the first period, when the red shirts strike for 2 quick goals and pull into a 3-1 lead. Things looked bleak for the blackshirts. Energy levels were 50% below normal, and team sparkplug Art W. was mysteriously absent, perhaps due to a tragic barbecue mishap. Aces backup goalie Aubrey S. was giving it his all but the team was missing regular backstop Raj C, who was in South Beach Florida for his annual full body waxing. Fans were already heading for the exits.

Then, a miracle! A fluke goal careens off a defending red player's skate and eludes the volatile Wyse Guys' keeper. Another quick tally and the game is tied, and the red team is subjected to a steady barrage of insults and put-downs from their netminder. Their morale is shattered, as they are sensitive boys and prone to self-pity when criticized. Sensing the tide has turned, the black shirts pour on the pressure and shoot ahead to a 6-3 lead before finally cruising home to a 6-4 final.

Is this then, the greatest comeback of all time? Hardly. But it might be the greatest comeback of November 10, 2010 and that's not bad.

Prime Minister Blocks Sale of Aces HC

In a move that has the global investment community not at all perplexed, Canadian PM Stephen Harper this week decided to block the takeover bid for Toronto area hockey team the Black Aces by international businessman Richard Branson.

Said Industry Minister Tony Clement "We just didn't feel it was in the best interests, or in fact any interest at all, of Canadians. Or anyone else for that matter."

When asked why the sale was blocked, Clement would only say that the Prime Minister was 'not a big fan of that Branson douche, or his ridiculous hair'.

Bay Street analysts spent minutes poring over the details of the non-deal, the scuttling of which now threatens the future of the Cedarvale Oldtimers' Hockey League. Rumours of the pending buyout sent Aces players on a spending and partying spree last week, with at least 5 players arriving to the game in expensive new cars.

After the announcement, team banjo tuner Bob J. threw an almost full bottle of Cristal to the ground in disgust. "How am I going to return this motherf***ing Escalade to the dealer now, bitch? I already pimped it out with a hot tub and 3D motherf***ing TV! Damn!"

"What? The deal fell through?" said team barbecue cleaner Art W. "I just bought first class airline tickets for my wife's entire family to fly to Toronto for Christmas! There's 43 of them! What the f***? I thought this was a done deal."

Other players were reportedly scrambling to return luxury items with varying levels of success.

"If I can't bring these gold chains back to Cartier" said Aces goalie and Diwali expert Raj C. "I'm going to have to go and see Russell Oliver... I think I just threw up in my mouth there, a little."

The Aces legal team has hired Rob Ford as their new spokesman and are now in talks with Virgin to try to revive the deal under new, more favourable terms. "That fat f**k Ford is well known as a man of action" said team cribbage champion Maurice vV. "and he's not doing anything until he's sworn in as mayor anyway, so we called him up. He agreed to not only help us out with the contract, but also to get our garbage picked up, our leaves raked, and to score us some cheap Oxycontin before next game."

Branson, meanwhile (pictured above with what would have been the Aces cheerleading squad) was philosophical about the failed deal. "I own a spaceship, did you know that?" said Branson from his Caribbean island home. "A motherf***ing spaceship!"

Lets hope the legal distractions don't affect the Aces' play this week, since last week's game was pretty much ruined by all the pre-game shopping and partying. The blackshirts fell 5-3 to a so-so Bloor Battlers squad, mainly due to bad bounces and champagne hangovers.

In a bid to avert another sub-par performance, the Black Aces Blog is pleased to present this inspirational video just in time for this week's game:

Watch The Crusher

Aces Release List of Demands in Virgin Takeover Bid

Immediately following confirmation of the recently rumoured bid by Virgin CEO Richard Branson to purchase Toronto area hockey club the Black Aces, Aces legal representative and sometime left-winger Paul Ferris has released the team's list of contract demands.

In a hastily-called news conference at Aces' St. Clair Avenue W. headquarters (Ferro's restaurant, the big table way in the back) Ferris outlined a list of preconditions to the sale of the team.

"We are intrigued by the interest of Mr. Branson" said Ferris through his 'interpreter', a 21 year-old Icelandic erotic film star known only as 'Bjonk'. "If he is serious in his desire to purchase the team then he will have to satisfy our requirements in full. These are as follows.

"One. Every team member must be allowed one trip per year on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship 2. Includes full bar service and a nice set of headphones, not those shitty ones you usually get on commercial flights.

"Two. The Aces demand a year-end party hosted by Virgin Records recording artist Iggy Pop. Drinks are to be served by the Spice Girls. It's not like they're doing anything else these days anyway. And that David Beckham dude is not invited. If he shows up, the deal is off.

"Three. Richard Branson himself is to supply the post-game beer at all future Aces games. No domestic brands allowed unless pre-approved by team biermeister Bruce 'Ziggy' Harbinson. All relevent Bavarian Purity Laws apply.

"Four. Mr. Branson is to fully re-imburse the participants of the now infamous end-of-season party at Rodney's Oyster Bar. With interest.

"Five. Virgin is to cover in full all costs associated with Aces team members being ticketed by Toronto Police for travelling the wrong way on Arlington Ave on the way to the game on wednesdays.

"Six. The Aces require Virgin Records recording artists the Rolling Stones to be on standby at every Aces game. When the Aces score, the Stones are to immediately launch into "Rip This Joint" from their 1972 magnum opus "Exile on Main Street". If the Aces' opponents score, the Stones are to play "I Got the Blues" instead.

"This is a preliminary list of our demands" said Bjonk, in Icelandic. "If they are not met, there is no deal. That is all."

The Aces are said to be currently waiting for a response from Mr. Branson, whilst considering a similar competing offer from Toronto are multimillionaire mayor Rob Ford.

In other news, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces again defeated the hapless Warriors, this time by a score of 3-1. Goals by Jeff, Aubrey and Mike, more solid netminding from Raj. The team is on a roll, apparently un-perturbed by rumours of the Branson takeover.

Aces HC Clownsize Wyse Guys

In the most recent contest between local ice hockey team Aubrey's Aces and their somewhat arch-rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces so thoroughly dominated their opponents that hockey writers and broadcasters around the country are now scrambling to coin new superlatives to describe the game.

Sure, sports mediapersons already have approximately 10⁶ synonyms for "win", but none of these was up to the task of adequately depicting the Aces' 9-0 pummeling of the Wyse Guys. It was that big.

In the interest of assisting my professional brethren, I hereby humbly submit my Top 10 List of New Synonyms for "Win", or "Winonyms" if you prefer.

10. Scrotumming. As in "the Aces delivered a thorough scrotumming to the hapless Wyse Guys".

9. Sklermfarble. "The Aces dominance of the Wyse Guys was so complete that the game descended into a sklermfarble by the third period".

8. Harpering. Based on the friendly management style of our current PM. "The Aces handed the Wyse Guys a total Harpering last wednesday, leaving the red shirts whimpering and bawling like little babies, or ex-communications directors."

7. RobFordian. "The Aces brought out a can of whoop-ass of RobFordian dimensions." Refers only to Mr. Ford's physical ginormity, nothing to do with any election results (pending as of the writing of this report).

6. Clownsize. As in "The Wyse Guys were completely clownsized last game by the Aces."

5. Blackholed. Describes a complete crushing out of physical existence, as when something falls into a black hole. "The Wyse Guys will be unavailable for any future games as they were blackholed last week by a superior Aces squad."

4. Cockwhipped. Self-explanatory, really. "Looks like the Aces had the bigger dicks this week, Jim." "Right you are, Bob. They totally cockwhipped the Wyse Guys again."

3. Enemized. Refers to the process of knocking the shit out of one's opponents. "The poor Wyse Guys were simply enemized this week by a stronger Aces team, who managed to hold onto their own shit quite nicely."

2. ChuckNorrisment. "The Wyse Guys suffered a virtual chucknorrisment at the hands of the mighty Aces this past week."

1. Ballardization. To screw something up absolutely completely, over and over again. "The Wyse Guys defensive game this week can only be described as a sickening ballardization of the game of hockey."

To all the Jims and Bobs and Randys out there in TV, radio and print: I give my consent for you to use any or all of these terms in your next article or broadcast.

Game stats, for those who want the numbers: Aces 9, Wyse Guys 0.

Scoring for the blackshirts: Brian with 2, Art also with 2, plus singles from Ralph, Joe, Al, Bob and Rich.

And of course an outstanding game in net by Raj. The score did not tell the whole story as the Wyse Guys played hard to the final buzzer. And still they were cockwhipped.

Substandard Conditions in Athletes' Village Take Aces Off Their Game

In spite of assurances by Indian authorities that substandard conditions in the athletes' village had been rectified, Aces players appeared to be suffering some ill effects from their accomodations this week as they fell 4-3 to a focused Warriors squad.

"There's no hot water in the showers" whined Aces forward and channa tester Paul Ferris "It's all I can think about when I'm on the ice." Other players voiced similar complaints, including:

• "A monkey stole my skates" - Mike K
• "I am so sick of Kingfisher beer it's not even funny" - Al H
• "There's a cow in my room. I can't sleep" - Ralph R
• "I found a cobra in my jockstrap. Hiyo!" - Bruce H
• "All my equipment was stolen, and I had to buy it back from a homeless family for 10,000 rupees. I was saving that money for monkey repellent!" - Maurice V

Apparently all the distractions have had a negative impact on the Aces' game, since they could not mount the same kind of attack that propelled them to an 8-3 victory in week one. In spite of goals from Aubrey, Rich, and another player whose name I forget now, the blackshirts came out on the losing end of things.

Aces coach Aubrey S has promised to bring a more focused team to next week's match, going so far as to cancel a scheduled trip to Mrs Sangeeta's International House of Sexual Delights and Fine Discount Tailoring (pictured below).

Let's hope this tactic works.