Aces Take Two Game Series 12-10

While hockey fans the world over were being distracted by the Olympics, Toronto hockey team Aubrey’s Aces completed a 2 game series with the Warriors this past wednesday, emerging victorious by a 12-10 margin and retaining their hold on first place in the COTHL.

As fans will recall, game one of the series was held January 27. In that game, the mighty Aces easily swept the weakling Warriors aside by a 9-3 margin. That comfortable cushion was enough to allow the Aces to use game 2 as a rest day, ensuring that optimal energy levels are maintained in the run-up to the playoffs. The blackshirts opted to go with a full bench, evenly spreading the effort level around the team so that no single player would have to over-exert himself.

The Warriors, meanwhile, foolishly expended large amounts of energy through all three periods of the game, repeatedly engaging in unwise displays of aggressive forechecking, rugged defensive play, and fuel-inefficient end-to-end rushes. Aces team calorimetrics expert Mike King estimates that the game cost the Warriors 15 kilojoules per goal... per player! The fools. “At this rate” laughed King after the game, peering up from his scientific calculator “They will be out of gas before the playoffs even begin! What a bunch of n00bs!”

The final result in game 2 was a 3-7 “loss”, but of course the actual final score was 12-10 in favour of the Aces. More importantly, the Aces were able to maintain full energy reserves, which will be crucial down the home stretch and into the post-season.

The Magnificent Seven or Eight

A cold wind blows across an empty ice rink, somewhere in central Toronto. Don’t ask how a wind can blow indoors, ok? It just does. And it’s cold.

The gate opens with a bang, and the Wyse Guys stream onto the ice - player after player after player until the rink is half full of circling skaters, perhaps 35 in all.

A few moments pass before the Aces appear... seven players in total. Goalie Raj plus only six skaters: Maurice, Al and Jeff on defense, and Ralph, Mike, and Brian up front. That’s it. Seven stalwart men in black jerseys against a swirling army of foes.

The outcome seemed a foregone conclusion; the Aces would fall for the second week in a row. How could it not come to pass? Against a force five times their size the Aces, though mighty beyond reckoning, could not possibly prevail... or could they?

The first sign that things would not go entirely the Wyse Guys’ way came before the first puck was dropped. A shadowy figure appears behind the Aces’ bench, and the key to the room is passed to him - Joe TwoNames has arrived, and the team would soon have one more pair of legs and lungs to send into battle. That would mean seven skaters plus a goalie, and more importantly, two spares on the bench at all times.

The first period saw the Aces not only keep pace with their fully-stocked opponents, but actually outplay, outshoot and outchance them. Thanks to some solid play by the Wyse Guys’ goalkeeper the period ended in a 0-0 draw. In the Aces net Raj was also showing that he was very much on his game, turning aside several tough chances.

The Wyse Guys, however, would slowly pull away in periods two and three. Taking advantage of the Aces’ diminishing energy levels, the Guys would put the puck in the net twice before the Aces could answer with any goals of their own.

But answer they did, with goals from Ralph and Brian. The game was tied 2-2 heading into the final few minutes and the Aces were seriously out of gas. A mad scramble around the Aces goal and the puck was shoved over the line! Only to be called back by a brave call by ref Donny: at least one enemy player was in the crease at the time of the goal and it was waived off.

Final score: 8 Aces 2, 35 Wyse Guys also 2. Do the math: Aces clearly win on goals per player ratio.

And finally, a plea for all Aces players currently deployed overseas to get on the next flight home. That means Art W, currently in India seeking enlightenment through consumption of massive quantities of cheap Indian beer, and Joe Himalaya, presently in hiding from the Mexican mafia somewhere in Puerto Vallarta.

Aces Resume Mid-Season Tailspin

Only a week after riding high on a stunning one game win streak, the mighty Aces now find themselves languishing in first place in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League after a humiliating loss to the powerful last place Bloor Battlers.

This, remember, comes hot on the heels of an earlier one game losing streak the week before. The unpredictable Aces are now officially in the midst of an all out death spiral. Can second place be far behind?

Game details

The Battlers iced 6 full lines and 8 defense versus the Aces more casual 6-ish forwards and 4 (give or take) D. This disparity would prove the difference in the end, as the Aces could not maintain the necessary pace for the full 3 periods. The Battlers meanwhile were rolling their 6 lines all night with support from a team of massage therapists, nutritionists, and sport psychologists. The Aces never stood a chance.

Aces mountaineering expert Joe Himalaya has promised to level the playing field on his return by keeping the bench fully stocked with top quality Chinese-made oxygen tanks scavenged from the slopes of Everest. Something to look forward to come playoff time.

Final score: 6-2 for the bad guys, but fuck them anyway. They can have their hollow midseason win. Who cares if their star players have started showing up again? The Aces are solid for the playoffs, once all of their star players start showing up. Which should be next week, since we’re back to the early time slot.

In the meantime, please enjoy this week’s video presentation of a turtle having a really good time.

Aces Finally End Devastating One Game Losing Streak

January 27 saw local hockey team Aubrey’s Aces score a decisive 9-3 blowout of league basement-dwellers the Warriors, ending their frustrating losing streak at one game.

“We finally got that monkey off our backs.” said team primatologist Al Heavenrich. “You could tell it was really causing everyone a lot of stress. There were even a couple of fights at practice.”

The Aces were backstopped by backup goalie and team feng shui consultant Aubrey Spring. “We really had a lot of good Qi on our side.” said Spring “Very good energy, especially around our net. Plus it felt great to end that awful one game slide.”

Around the other net, the Aces were all business all the time. Team eschatologist Bruce Harbinson buried the Warriors almost singlehandedly with a hat trick, and callups Alex and Don (?) chipped in with some solid play at both ends of the rink.

Again, the blackshirts were running a short bench, but again, 2 lines and 3 defensemen were all they needed to crush the opposition. The Aces have decided to rest some key personnel, sending Art and Joey to the Far East for top secret Puck Fu training in advance of the playoffs. Good luck, boys. Don’t drink the water.

Aces Mediocre in Meaningless Midseason Match

In their latest game, the Aces HC took a short break from their relentless march to glory to hand the Wyse Guys a false-confidence-boosting victory.

The Blackshirts were down to 2 lines and 4 D, a couple of bodies short of the opposition, who had pretty much a full bench. Not that that was the difference though, as the Aces have proved in the past that they are capable of delivering a whuppin‘ to any other team in the COTHL with or without a full lineup.

Was it a team-wide power failure? A lack of cohesion amongst a normally tight-knit group of dedicated and talented players? No, this was more a case of midseason ennui than a case of being outplayed. These are the dog days of winter, after all, when even highly trained athletes like Maurice Le VanVeghel find it tough to get motivated.

“I am zees way ev-ery Janvier” said a nonchalent Le VV apres le contest, casually smoking a Gitane and clutching a dogeared copy of Camus’ L’Etranger in the team dressing room. “Viss ze ‘oliday saison ovair, I cannot care so much about life. I do not care if ze ozair team zey skate by me, or if zey can score. Meh. My heart she is as black as zees Aces jersey, and ze rats zey have infested my soul.”

No-show Swervin Barry Pervin was even more laid back, deciding to skip the game altogether in favour of catching a TMZ marathon on the Bio channel. “I was going to go to the game, dude, seriously.” said the normally pugilistic Pervin from his Lazyboy armchair. “But I just couldn’t get it together, not with all this vital celebrity news to watch on tv. Did we win? Oh who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less. Never mind. ”

The game was actually a reasonably close affair given the almost complete lack of interest shown by the Aces crew. Down 3-2 with a couple of minutes to go, the team pulled their goalie and did mount a sustained attack, keeping the puck in the Wyse Guys’ end for a good 15 seconds and narrowly missing the tying goal on a shot by Art “I’m going on holiday again next week, so screw this action” Wogrinetz. The Wyse Guys stormed back to fire one into the empty cage, triggering a huge celebration on the red team’s bench. League officials are said to be unhappy with the extent of that celebration, as it involved some over-exuberant firearm use, which of course is strictly limited in the league charter to one (registered) handgun per team.

Another last minute goal by the Wyse Guys made the final score 5-2, but by the time the final puck went into the net most of the Aces were already checking their blackberrys, including goaltender and exciting puck-handler Raj Chockalingam. Raj still thinks the final score was 4-2.

Goal scorers for the Aces: Art with a nice deke in close on the again suspiciously solid WGs keeper, and your humble narrator with a shot from the point that somehow found its way through traffic to the back of the net.

Aces players can expect a friendly phonecall from team sports psychologist Bruce Harbinson, just as soon as his spleen grows back.

Fair and Balanced Aces Attack Results in Another Win

There is an old Icelandic proverb that states "Mediocrity is climbing molehills without sweating". I have no idea what that means, but in their latest outing in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, the first place Black Aces retained their hold on top spot by shutting down the Bloor Battlers in a stunning display of consistency across all positions.

In scientific terms, the Aces might be compared to a flat, featureless Euclidean plane - no highs, but no lows either. Or perhaps we can consider them to be the cosmic background radiation of the COTHL - an all-encompassing energy field of mind-numbing uniformity almost too weak to be detected... until they KICK YOUR ASS. While other teams might ice one or two stars, they are also stuck with some weaker players to balance things out. Not so the blackshirts. No superstars, but no deadwood either. Everyone pulls together in a robotically consistent way to lull the opposition into a false sense of complacency. "How can we not be beating these guys?" you can almost hear the other teams saying to one another "We have one or two stars, but they do not. "

While their opponents scratch their heads in befuddlement, the Fox News-like Aces machine quietly goes to work. Before they know what happened, the game is over and the scoreboard says Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2. Again.

Goal scorers this week: Rich, Ralph, Mike and Art. Special mention: every other Aces player.

Spear Carriers Carry the Day

Area hockey club the Black Aces put in a workmanlike performance in their most recent game, prevailing 6-4 over the Warriors in spite of hitting the ice without any of their highly paid snipers. It was left to the spear carriers, the plumbers, the Joe Six Packs to grind out the victory.

Where are the pretty boys, you ask? Here:

• Joey Himalaya: Nepal, Mexico, the Playboy Mansion... take your pick. Maybe all three.
• Brian M: still recovering from an arm transplant.
• Brian 2: Sheep 'shearing' in New Zealand.
• Art W: Lamas class with the Missus.
• Andrew: Rib transplant (Honey Garlic)
• Mike: post-christmas rehab

The Aces trades deuces with the Warriors all night, falling behind 2-0 early in the first, only to tie it at 2 with seconds to go in the frame. The second period put the black shirts ahead 4-2 for a while but the Warriors fought back to tie the game again. In the third, Aces D man Jeff atoned for a miserable defensive night with a rare goal to put the team up for good, and then the team added another to complete the deuce.

The win helped the Aces maintain their stranglehold on first place in the COTHL and now puts their unbeaten string for 2010 at one game.

Please join the Aces this wednesday as they attempt to keep their streak alive. Just to keep things interesting, not only will the snipers be asked to stay home but the team will be playing without a goalie. Instead, the nets will be minded by a basket of kittens and a small potted plant.