Four of a Kind for the Aces

Fourteen winners.

Four score and twenty months ago, the Aces were the
fourth best team in a 
four team league. Finishing in
fourth place every year was a 
foregone conclusion. Players felt
fortunate to just keep it close. Be-
fore too long, however, the team began to improve, and to 
forge a new identity. 
Former players were replaced with new talent, 
foreshadowing future success. Fast
forward to 2016 and the Aces have now won
four championships in a row. The other teams can no longer af-
ford to take the Aces lightly. This season saw the Battlers 
forlorn after the final game, as the Aces  
forced the Battlers to 
fork over the puck time after time, and played with great 
fortitude shift after shift. The 
four defensemen of the apocalypse stood strong, 
forming a wall in front of goalie John M, himself a 
formidable presence in the net. The aces 
forwards played with the energy and skill of a young Peter
Forsberg, keeping the Battlers in their own end by 
forechecking relentlessly. Really, in the end it was a 
foregone conclusion. The Aces would win for a 
fourth straight year. 

Final score: Aces 6, Battlers 3. 

Goals by Ralph, Rod, Mark, Mike, Pete S, and Bruce.

Let the contract talks begin.

Warriors Test Positive for Battlers

The February 17th COTHL matchup between fan favourites the Black Aces and the struggling Warriors featured 2 teams attempting to bolster their lineups with the addition of some extra players.

The Warriors smartly raided the Battlers bench for some added firepower, upping their talent level by roughly 45%. The Aces on the other hand dug deep into the farm system and recruited... a pirate and a surfer. Ok then.

I've been drunk since November

Whoa.

“I did feel like a right Barney out there tonight” said part-time surfer / mountaineer / hotelier Joe P after the game. “It’s been ages since I had the skates on and the ice did feel a bit blown out. Not exactly a choka night for me, dude, and I was totally noodled by the end of it. But it was ripper seeing the lads again, totally bueno.”

“Yar, ‘twas righteous and glory-ful to be back on the frozen water again, to be sure” croaked former school teacher and now neo-pirate Al H once the final handshakes had been dispensed with. “I did me best to hold things down abaft, but me skates felt like they was full of lead dubloons and me arse was run aground by the third period. I also ran out of rum in me water bottle.”

By now you may have guessed the outcome of the game. The Blackshirts had a 2-1 lead in the third but insisted on playing in the Polite Style and watched as the Battlers-enhanced Warriors squad pulled even and then ahead in the final 30 seconds.

Pirates and surfers could not make up for the missing Aces on the night - Mark, Simon, Rod, Gerry and Artie. A strong game in the nets by John was similarly wasted.

The good news is the Aces have locked up first place on the season, so a revenge rematch with the stock model Warriors is on the horizon in the first round of the playoffs. Only one more regular season game until then, and the Aces are rumoured to be icing a squad that includes a chef, a yeti, a drag queen, a ski jumper and a baby.

A Valentine's Day Poem

Roses are red,
Hockey pucks black.
The Aces were down,
And then they came back.

Aces 4, Battlers 4.

Goals: Joe 2N, Pete T, Mark, Rich

Thank you and good night.

Aces Math Lesson

Welcome, students, to Aces Math Online. This week's lesson: functions and graphing.

Please study the chart below:

This chart represents the Aces' most recent game against perennial doormats the Warriors. It shows the relative number of Fucks Given by each team as the game progressed. This game finished with a final score of approximately 10-2 in favour of everyone's favourite team, the Black Aces.

X-axis = Aces Goals Scored,  Y-axis = Fucks Given per Player

In it you'll see that there are 2 lines, one for the Aces (the black line, naturally) and one for the Warriors (the white line). Each line represents how many fucks each player on each team was giving during the game as the score progressed from 0-0 to 10-2.

Let's examine the trendline over the course of the game. The curves can be expressed using the function F(g) = Fucks(given)

Score: 0-0
At the start of the game, all players were giving a fuck. One fuck per player.

Score: Aces 1, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 1
Warriors F(g) = 1

Both teams still pretty much in the game, fucks-given-wise. The Warriors however are already starting to give fewer fucks, with only 0.9 of a fuck given per player. This is expressed as "0.9 F(g)/player".

Score: Aces 2, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 1
Warriors F(g) = 0.9

Aces are all still giving a fuck at 100% of capacity, while the Warriors have dipped again to 0.7 F(g)/player. That didn't take long, did it?


Score: Aces 4, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 1
Warriors F(g) = 0.3

The Aces are all still totally into this game, no decrease in Fucks Given at all. The Warriors though have already pretty much checked out, as we can see with their very low value of 0.3 F(g)/player. In reality not all Warriors players were at this low level; their goaltender was still at the F(g)=1 level, and since the team score is an average, this means that other Warriors players were actually below 0.3 F(g).

Score: Aces 7, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 0.7
Warriors F(g) = 0.1

Now we see something interesting. With the game now out of reach, Aces players are starting to give fewer fucks, as we see with their rating of only 0.7 F(g)/player. Remember this is an average. Some Aces were still giving all the fucks, while others were thinking about skiing and wondering what type of beers would be available after the game. The Warriors are all but dead by now with even their goalie barely giving any fucks whatsoever.

Final Score Aces 10, Warriors 2
Aces F(g) = 0.0
Warriors F(g) = 0.0

Here we see a state of convergence, as clearly shown in the graph. Not a single player on either team is giving even a partial fuck about this game now.

Next Week: Probability and the Playoffs.

Class dismissed.

This week: early game vs the Battlers.

Who isn't giving a fuck this week? Let the team know. Also, who has the beer? We all give a fuck about that.

Planet of the Aces

As all casual hockey fans are no doubt already aware, last week astronomers at Caltech made the astounding discovery of a 9th planet lurking at the distant edge of our solar system. Although to date  no one has actually seen the new planet, mathematical modeling of the orbits of several planet-like objects allows astronomers to infer its existence with a high degree of accuracy.

Planet X, as it’s being called is large (the size of Neptune) and dark. Like, black dark. So dark in fact that it could be some time before even the most powerful telescopes are able to detect what little light it reflects from the distant sun, and even more time before they discover the its true identity as... The Planet of the Aces.

That’s right, people. The Black Aces HC are currently using Planet X as their off-season, off-world training camp and storage depot. Oh, the clues were there all along for anyone who cared to look. If we compare the periodicity of the orbits of the planet and the 6 icy planetoids in the Caltech study with the similarly wonky orbits of many Aces players, we can see some similarities.

Look at this diagram:

Now compare with this:

Coincidence? I think not. Look how closely these match! Mathematical analysis of the frequencies with which these players show up for games definitely reveals a 1:1 correlation between the 15,000 year orbit of Planet X (so-called) and the Aces long swings between respectability and horribleness. I mean come ON.

So what are the Aces storing on their now discovered planet?

• Old Aces sweaters
• Pucks
• Wadded up tape
• 3 Gigaliters of Old Speckled Hen
• Cryogenically frozen backup goaltenders (all frozen at age 39)
• Old Aces (RIP Artie, Mo, Bob, Kevin, Paul and the rest)

As the orbital algorithm clearly predicts, the Aces are currently on one of their wide swings away from Good Hockey, having dropped their most recent 2 games to the Battlers and Wyse Guys. Let's hope the gravitational pull of the COTHL playoffs brings the team a little closer to the Win column in the upcoming weeks. 

Black Aces Virtual Reality Game Released

Consumer Electronics Show, Las Vegas NV - Local hockey team the Black Aces were the unexpected sensations of CES2016, as the Toronto-area lads made their debut as the subject of a new immersive, virtual reality game from industry giant Rockstar Games.

“We are very excited” said RSG CEO Sam Houser, at the company’s enormous booth on the CES show floor. “There’s never been a game quite like this. The sense of actually being in the game with the Aces is so real, and so convincing, that you’ll actually feel like a tallboy when you’re done. It’s just that good.”

A limited scope version of the game, to be called BlackStars on Ice, was available for CES attendees prior to worldwide release in February, and the lineups to try the game were out the door of the convention centre.

“It feels so real, it’s hard to believe” said 15 year old Dirk McNerdly, after a 10 minute session. “In most hockey video games the players are super-skilled and the action is so fast it’s obviously not real. In the Black Aces game, they caught the real-life speed of over-40 beer league hockey perfectly. They left all the mistakes in, all the giveaways, all the cheesy goals and the blown passes. I laughed my ass off.”

Other realer-than-real features of the game, which requires the Oculus VR headset to play, include:

• steadily deteriorating ice conditions
• players arriving partway through the first period
• mis-matched sweaters
• completely unpredictable results

If rumours around the show are correct, RockStar Games is planning to offer add-ons once the game is released, including one that will actually simulate the feel and taste of a lukewarm can of Old Speckled Hen once the game is over, and another that will reproduce the distinct aroma of never-been-washed hockey equipment.

Back in their hometown of Toronto Canada, the Aces were busy making short work of rivals the Warriors. A convincing 7-2 win was spearheaded by Pete S, who decided to show the Warriors his new move, a one-handed wraparound while carrying 2 Warriors on his back and checking his email on his smartphone. He still hasn't broken a sweat.

And speaking of BlackStars, RIP David Bowie.

Aces Blow Entire 2016 Goal Budget

4 Aces prepare for the 2016 playoff run

With the recent arrival of snow to eastern Canada and the imminent start of ski season, local hockey team the Black Aces has executed a daring shift in strategy for the remainder of the 2015-2016 season. Team wood carver and official spokesman Al H. spoke to your host from a boat somewhere in the Caribbean:

"A lot of the guys are big skiers" said Al "so I think what happened was that they got a little over-excited this week and, well, kind of blew their collective wads."

Spokesman Al was referring to a 10-0 blowout of rivals the Bloor Battlers, a game in which the Aces could do no wrong. Every bounce went their way, and almost every shot on goal found the back of the net.

"I've done my part now," said team hair stylist Rich W "I used up at least 6 or 7 games worth of mojo now, so I'll be focused on carving turns for the next few weeks."

The Aces were helped out by team physicist Pete S' brother Andrew, flown in from Halifax especially for the game on the Aces' private float plane. He even chipped in with nice goal, just to prove the fuel expense and the 3 cases of local craft beer he was paid weren't a waste.

Team asparagus farmer Gerry S also made a triumphant return after spending much of the season tending to his crop. "It's great to be back" he said after the game "We're in first place, right?"

Aces Bruce, Mike, Simon and Joe 2N were all absent on the night due to emergency ski-waxing sessions. The team may have to rely on them alone to provide the goal scoring for the remainder of the season, since all other Aces will be in recovery mode after the big win.