Obama Praises Black Aces in State of the Union Address

In a move that has US news networks baffled, United States President Barack Obama took some time during his State of the Union address this evening to send a message of encouragement to a group of middle-aged amateur hockey players in Toronto Canada.

The State of the Union address is normally reserved for topics of importance to the United States, and for the most part Obama did keep to his script. Infrastructure, early childhood education, the economy and even climate change were key touchpoints during the speech. About half way through, however, the President appeared to veer from his prepared notes to talk about the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here's an excerpt.

"Now let me just say that in these challenging times, we all look for inspiration. We look for role models, people who can serve as a template for achievement and success. We often look to our athletic heroes as examples of what the human spirit can achieve when we allow ourselves to dream, and to reach for the stars. This past week I myself was inspired by a tremendous group of men from Toronto Canada, who somehow, against all odds, managed to put together 3 full periods of ice hockey against a bitter rival team. These brave men fought against their own terrible limitations - old age, injuries, a complete lack of hockey sense in some cases - and brought home their first victory of 2013, 5 to 2 over the Wyse Guys.

"Now some of you may also be facing a similar lack of talent, or poor health, or just a garden variety addiction to prescription crystal meth. Maybe you feel helpless, like your life can never turn around. I say to you, 'you're probably right, but if the Aces can bring home a win then maybe you can too'.  And so I ask you now, Democrats and Republicans alike, to join me in sending a big shout-out to my homeboys the Black Aces. Good luck in the playoffs you guys!"

This is how many games the Aces have won this year.

Obama then returned to the rest of his speech, summarized here for those who did not catch the event as it unfolded:

• America is great
• Republicans: total douchebags
• Guns are bad, unless they are killing Afghanistanianistas
• Fuck you Ted Nugent
• Jeff is bringing the beer this week
• Thank you and good night

What's Your Excuse?

Local hockey team the Black Aces continue to struggle in what some observers are calling their worst season in living memory in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Their most recent game (a 5-2 loss to the Battlers) was another in what is becoming a longish string of losing efforts, partly due to the team's inability to ice a full squad from week to week.

Missing Aces players have struggled to come up with all kinds of original excuses for not being there at game time, so in the interest of saving players time and effort, the Black Aces blog proudly presents the Wheel of Excuses. Did you miss the most recent game? Don't sweat it, friend, simply give the wheel a spin and call it in.

Sources close to the Aces blogging department say the Wheel of Excuses should be available as an app in the very near future. Blackberry only.

Ontario Teachers Rally in Support of Black Aces

Thousands of Ontario teachers took to the streets this weekend to rally in support of local hockey club the Black Aces. Media coverage erroneously reported the rally as a protest of some kind, possibly against the provincial Liberals, but sources confirm that the gathering was in fact all about the Aces.

"The Black Aces are composed almost entirely of secondary school teachers" said Richmond Hill science teacher Walter Mitchell during the march along Toronto's Carlton Street "and we're here to let them know that we're behind them 100%."

Braving the January cold, throngs of educators from across the province gathered in Toronto to shout encouragement to the struggling Aces team.

"Sure, the team is getting straight D's this year but with a little extra help I think we can have them back on track by the time the playoff report cards come out" shouted Glenda McManliest, girls gym teacher at Woburn Collegiate in Scarborough "If not, I think several hundred wind sprints followed by 2 straight hours of polishing my balls should be appropriate punishment. Basketballs. What did you think I meant?"

Even another loss in their latest contest, a 4-3 decision against the Warriors, wasn't enough to dampen the spirits of the massive crowd of (possibly drunk) teachers. A very boisterous group of young student teachers were especially enthusiastic about the team. "We just think there's nothing sexier than middle-aged teachers in short pants" enthused 22 year-old aspiring art teacher Wendy De Nubile "Hi Aubrey!! Wooooooo!"

The rally was picking up momentum until someone, possibly a math teacher, realized that everyone was actually there on 'extracurricular' time. Within minutes the streets had emptied, but the message of support and hope had been sent to the Aces.

Thank you, Ontario teachers.

Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Aces Mediocre Season

"I really think the playoffs are going to be different" 

In a much-anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey last week, former 7 time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong surprised everyone by apologizing not only for his own cheating and general douchebaggery but also for the performance of the Black Aces HC, a Toronto area beer league hockey team.

In spite of Winfrey's repeated attempts to get the interview back on track, a determined Armstrong kept bringing the conversation back around to the Aces.

Oprah Winfrey: "Yes or no, did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?"
Lance Armstrong: "Yes. And I'd just like to apologize to everyone who believed in me and in the Black Aces for lying about this, and for the sub-par season the team has been having so far this year."
OW: "Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?"
LA: "Yes. I also offered the Aces as much EPO as they wanted at the start of this season and to their credit they turned down the offer. I think that's admirable but I also think it might be one reason they keep running out of gas in the third period."
OW: "Wait a minute, what are you talking about? Who are these Black Aces?"
LA: "Great bunch of guys. They play in the COTHL, but they're having an off season so far and I know they feel terrible about it."
OW: "Maybe we should just stick to the subject of your use of performance enhancing drugs, Mr. Armstrong."
LA: "Sure, whatever. But I know they're going to turn things around, especially after their last game. They came from behind twice to tie the Wyse Guys 5-5, and might have a couple of new players in the lineup that I think could really make a dif-"
OW: "MR ARMSTRONG!"
LA: "Right, right, sorry. Cycling. Drugs. Gotcha. Go ahead."
OW: "Yes or no, in all seven of your Tour de France victories did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?"
LA:"Yes. I think it must be the injuries, and the aging factor."
OW: "You mean that led you to use drugs to keep your career going?"
LA: "No, I mean that account for the poor record of the Aces this year. Lots of guys out each week and hey, they're not getting any younger, you know what I mean?"
OW: "This interview is over."
LA: "Go Aces!! Early game this week!"

Aces Action Plan for Success

It's a funny old life, isn't it? One day you're up, next day you're down. One season your beer league hockey team is crushing league rivals like bugs, then the next season the universe decides you've had your fill of glory and your season looks more like this:

We're on the left.

The Black Aces, former heavyweights of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, find themselves in the unaccustomed position of last place in the league for 2012-2013. The reasons are varied, but mostly it comes down to two things:

1. The other teams got better
2. The Aces got worse.

That is not a happy combination. There is still time for a turnaround, of course, especially since our chances of making the playoffs are still good. How can the Aces accomplish this feat, you ask? What can they possibly do to salvage their season? Here are some options for the men in black to consider:

Subways! The Aces want subways!

A coaching change. Now that football season is over, Toronto 'mayor' Rob Ford has quite a bit of time on his hands. Sure, he knows jack about hockey but he knows fuck all about mayoring too and look where that got him. The Aces could hire Rob for the remainder of the season and hope for the best.

Better pharmaceuticals. Sure, Lance Armstrong was psychopathic cheater and liar but he had access to the best performance-enhancing drugs this side of the French Alps. Now that he's 'clean' and has no more need for all that awesome dope the Aces could probably score a couple of Fiat trunk-fulls of EPO, testosterone, human growth hormone and blood doping gear at a really good price. Since no one else from the league reads this blog, we would never be found out. As long as he doesn't squeal on us when he goes on Oprah we're golden.

Bribery. For years we've been supplying post-game refreshments to the officiating staff of the COTHL. It's time to call in that chit. Some well-timed penalties against the other clubs during the playoffs would go a long way towards evening the odds for the Aces. The downside to this plan is that we'd still have to come through with some timely goals in order to succeed. For that reason alone this plan is a long shot.

Please [deity_name], send us a sniper.

Prayer. It worked for Tim Tebow (for a while), it just might work for us. Just to be safe though we can't limit our supplications to a single deity. Since the Aces squad is a multi-faith concern, it behooves us to make the most of our diversity and beseech as many gods as we can. Jewish players, please be sure to send your prayers to the god of the old testament, Evangelicals can pray to the Great White Man in the Sky or to Saint Ronald Reagan (your choice). Raj, please put in a good word with Hanuman the Monkey God or with any of the thousands of Hindu minor deities available. Atheists please observe a minute of pre-game silence in honour of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Buddhists just stay cool and light some incense or something. 

If none of these plans work, please enjoy these inspirational posters: 

Aces Sweeten the Pot

In a desperate attempt to fill some gaps in their depleted roster this year, local hockey team the Black Aces are rumoured to be offering some special signing bonuses to any eligible player who joins the team.

All this can be yours, potential Aces players.

Their most recent game, a 4-2 loss to the Battlers, sparked the new strategy as the boys in black attempted unsuccessfully to woo 2 fill-in players from the Warriors to the squad. Though they could not convince the new blood to join the team, a recruiting plan was born.

The size and awesomeness of the bonus follows a sliding scale, with more talented players potentially in line for some sweet sweet deals.

What can newly minted Aces players expect if they do ink a deal? This:

A high-scoring power forward: 

• Choice of spots in the dressing room 
• A ride to and from the game in a helicopter
• No ‘beer duties’. Ever. 
• Paulina Gretzky’s home phone number 

A hard-working utility winger: 

• A spot by the heater in the dressing room (unless taken by a high-scoring power forward)
• A ride to and from the game in a stretch hummer 
• First choice of the imported beer after the game
• Jennifer Hedger’s home phone number 
• A personalized inspirational pre-game mixtape by Raj C. 

A 50% winning percentage centreman: 

•  a fresh roll of black hockey tape 
• a ride to (but not from) the game in a Prius
• a signed copy of ‘Hockey Stories and Stuff’ by Don Cherry 
• Christie Blatchford's home phone number
• a new water bottle 

 A 60-ish beer league lifer with a successful landscaping business: 

• hand written directions to Phil White Arena 
• Stompin Tom’s ‘The Good Old Hockey Game’ on 8-track 
• Frank D’angelo’s home phone number

The Aces are hopeful that this new strategy will net them some fresh legs for the second half of the season, or as some on the team prefer to call it, 'ski season'.

Aces Look to Bolster Roster

Following their latest loss to the Wyse Guys and in an attempt to revive what has been a mostly mediocre 2012-2013 COTHL season, local hockey team the Black Aces have been holding secret tryouts for prospective new players. 

The initial turnout was whelming, as tens of players expressed interest in donning the fabled black jersey. However, once they realized that this would not be a paid position but would in fact be more like an internship, most of those prospects suddenly found other more pressing commitments. The following is a breakdown of the remaining potential skaters:

Fuck all y'all, y'all!

Name: Honey Boo Boo

Nickname: Honey Boo Boo

Age: 6

Height: 3’ 3”

Weight: 135 lbs

Pros: mean as a swamp gator

Cons: she’s 6

Odds of making the team: 50/50

HULKMAYOR SMASH!

Name: Rob Ford

Nickname: Coach, Fat Fuck, Dumbass, His Honour the Mayor

Age: 40+

Height: 5’10”

Weight: 320 lbs

Pros: stubborn, strong, plays a simple game, not too busy right now

Cons: not a team player, blood pressure is 180/60, can only play the right wing

Odds of making the team: only 1 in 10 but he can make some calls

Aces? We thought you said asses.

Name: Steven and Chris

Age: won’t tell

Height: 185 cm each

Weight: 130 kilos combined

Pros: play as a D pair, smooth skaters, good ‘stickhandlers’

Cons: want to give the team a makeover, take forever in the shower

Odds of making the team: 2 in 15

That's right beyatches, the ring is mine.

Name: Bilbo Baggins

Age: 135

Height: 4’ 1”

Weight: 80 lbs

Pros: low centre of gravity, has the One Ring of Power

Cons: constantly followed by ringwraiths, film crews, nerds

Odds of making the team: pretty good, actually.

God I am so tired...

Name: Leonard Cohen

Age: 79

Height: 6’ 1”

Weight: 120 lbs

Pros: he’s Leonard fucking Cohen

Cons: may be too mellow for hockey

Odds of making the team: not good, he’s on tour right now.

I'm older than Cohen in cat years

Name: Richard the cat

Age: 14

Height: about 8 inches

Weight: 18 lbs

Pros: not declawed

Cons: sleeps 20 hours a day, frightened of loud noises

Odds of making the team: pretty good, but only the taxi squad

This is how many games the Aces have won!

Name: Chad Kroeger

Age: 37

Height: 5’ 10”

Weight: 185 lbs

Pros: Canadian, super rich, awesome hair

Cons: fronts Nickelback, married to Avril Lavigne, is from Alberta

Odds of making the team: reasonable, given the rest of the field