Aces Get All Science-y to Beat Battlers

As some of you may already know, in addition to exploring the limits of human alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation, the Black Aces HC off-season activities included the establishment of a high-level hockey think tank. The Centre for Research Into New Generation Hockey Experiments, or CRINGHE, was tasked with devising new strategic approaches for the Aces, thereby giving them an advantage in the 2011-2012 edition  of the COTHL.

Science. It's Like, Awesome or Something.

Some of their cutting edge output this summer included radical, out-of-the-box ideas that have the potential to change the game of hockey forever. Including:

1. Beers to be consumed BEFORE the game instead of after.
2. Goalies to wear Kodiaks in place of skates for better traction.
3. Every player to wear a heads up video display during the game. This is to enhance the action with 'augmented reality' information, but also to ensure no episodes of ‘Raising Hope’ are missed. That’s a really good show. (Note: the PVR budget for the CRINGHE team was not approved).
4. No more positions. Every player to simply chase the puck wherever it goes, thereby overwhelming the opposition. This is a simple strategy that any player can understand (see point #1).
5. New positional configurations (in case Point #4 is rejected or unsuccessful), including the 4-1-1 (the Crash the Net Strategy), the 0-5-1 (the Neutral Zone Clusterf**k), the 2-2-2 (Double Goalie Configuration) and perhaps most radically of all, the 3-3-0: the No Goalie Required.

Incredibly, it would be in only the 3^rd game of the season that the investment in CRINGHE would pay off. With netminder and team opossum whisperer Raj C unable to make the game due to a tragic carjacking incident in Newmarket, the Aces were without a goalie at the start of the game. A replacement keeper was found, but team pro cyclist Aubrey S would have to venture out into the rainy night to retrieve him. Aubrey, normally the Aces’ backup goalie, was sidelined due to an injury sustained attempting to back flip his bike off a 30’ drop riding through a puddle.

The Aces, meanwhile, would have to employ the 3-3-0 lineup: 3 forwards, 3 defense, no goalie. It was ‘put up or shut up’ time.

Thanks to some quick consulting and a lovely powerpoint presentation from team graphic designer Jeff M, the defense corps soon came up with the correct approach to keep the Bloor Battlers from putting the puck in the Aces’ empty net. Their tactics, deceptively simple, can best be summed up as “Don’t let those other guys score”. It worked beautifully, and by the time Aubrey returned with the emergency backup netminder the Aces were starting the second period with a 1-0 lead on a goal from team toboggan builder Rich W.

Emboldened by their success, the Aces continued to dominate the now demoralized Battler squad and finished with a 2-0 win, their second consecutive shutout. If this continues, the $600 clipboard budget for CRINGHE researchers will not have been squandered after all.


Big thanks to emergency netminder (Tooey? Did I hear that right?) who by the way was fully sighted and did not have an artificial leg.

Aces Claw Their Way to .500

After a demoralizing string of one defeat,  local hockey team Aubrey's Aces finally managed to claw their way back to the .500 level this week in the COTHL.

"Sure, it was hard losing 100% of our previous games" said team maitre d' Rich W "But we knew if we just hung in there we'd eventually be ok."

In spite of going 0-fer so far this season the Aces somehow kept it together, soundly defeating the Warriors squad in a hard-fought contest. The difference, agreed most Aces, was goaltending. "Our goalie was fucking awesome" said Aces' barista Raj C "and their goalie was not. That's pretty much it. In my opinion anyway." 

Also a factor were two fresh imports from the Orc pits of Isengard, forward D'Naakh Skullcrusher and defender G'Raargh Limbrender. Both newbies came to play, in spite of being less than 12 hours old, combined. "I look forward to the utter destruction of the enemies of the Black Aces!" grunted D'Naakh after the game, smearing fresh Warrior blood on his chest while pounding a Grolsch tallboy "The Dark One will be pleased!" Teammate and fellow Orc G'Raargh was more philosophical: "I'm just happy to be called up to the big team, you know? I'm taking it one kill at a time and giving 110%, keeping it simple, you know? Also, I desire to dismember anyone not wearing an Aces jersey."

Non-Orc Aces making the score sheet: Ralph R with a pair, Bruce H and Brian M with one apiece. Final score: Aces 4, Warriors 0.

Side note: Former Ace Bob J was scheduled to make a final appearance in an Aces jersey before being deployed 'Stateside but a communications snafu somehow resulted in a lovely dinner at The Keg instead. Recently retired defenceman Maurice V was hastily contacted just prior to game time but was unable to fill in due to  a family chauffeuring emergency. 

MAMWHPs Seeks Same

A group of (fit and attractive) 416-based middle-aged mostly white hockey players seek same for fun and creative adventures at Phil White Arena. Must enjoy skating, puck-handling, and post-game beer. Race unimportant. Must be over 40 but not too over. Must have decent shot and be willing to play the 'back end'. If this sounds like you, please respond to this blog with hockey resume and personal photo. We enjoy winning, working out, and wednesday evenings with good friends. Not looking for a long term commitment, let's take things slowly and see what develops. No puck hogs, please.

The Magnificent Seven, Part Two

Local hockey team the Aces finally made good on their long-standing promise to institute off season training camp this past friday, as a hand-picked contingent of players gathered in Collingwood for a rigorous 24 hour training session.

Six in all made it to the Harbinson Athletic Compound on thursday June 16, for a pre-training hydration exercise. Your humble scribe (the seventh player to attend camp) was not present for said exercise, but reliable sources say the exercise was a success. So successful in fact that the original completion deadline was extended to sometime around 05:00 on June 17.

June 17 dawned bright and clear for at least one of the participants. The other six... not so much. Rendezvous at Batteaux Creek Firing Range was initiated successfully, and the real training session began. An epic day of 18 distinct ballistic manoeuvres ensued, simultaneous with a forced march under full pack. The seven magnificent men held up brilliantly under the scorching, unforgiving sun.

Thanks to Commander Harbinson for arranging the inaugural Black Aces Area 52 Top Secret Training and Projectile-Based Recreation Camp. All signs point to a repeat event at a time as yet undisclosed.

The Magnificent Seven

Aubrey prepares to hit someone into the boards from behind

Another day at the beach.

Top 10 Reasons Aces Lost Quarter Final Game

After a solid 2nd place finish in 2010-2011, local hockey team the Black Aces could not overcome their 3rd place rivals the Bloor Battlers last week, falling 3-1 in a soft-fought match that saw the team struggle to create good scoring chances.

In spite of a standout performance by goaltender Raj C, the Aces now find themselves in a battle for bronze against the Wyse Guys in two weeks.

Goals may have been in short supply, but thankfully excuses were not. Here now are the Top 10 Reasons Why The Aces Lost the Quarter Final Game.

10. Lack of inspirational pre-game music

9. Everyone was saving it for this week's shinny game.

8. Entire team suffering from mass 'upper body injury'.

7. Thinking too much about post-game beer selection.

6. Raj played too well, everyone else decided to take it easy.

5. 6 players were playing in only their 2nd game of the season.

4. Pre-game strategy session 'too confusing'.

3. "Earthquake premonitions were freaking me out, man."

2. Mis-read cliche manual, only gave 109%.

and the number one reason the Aces Lost the Quarter Final Game:

1. Distracted by the guy in the stands throwing his hat in the air.

Cue band, mindless applause. Go to commercial.

El hombre del Sur ayuda a ganar de nuevo Ases

On a rare winter trip to Canadian territory, Aces owner and special southern correspondent Joe P inspired a banged up group of athletes to a key 4-2 win over the Battlers.

Shaking off the debilitating effects of a mid-winter tan, Joe struck for a key goal early in the game. Perhaps inspired by this brave performance, the Aces taxi squad hit for 3 more goals and hung on for a 4-2 victory in spite of most players having to play through an injury of some sort. The list of injuries at this point in the season is long and varied:

• Jeff: hip dysplasia
• Al: groin pains
• Aubrey: stab wounds
• Rich: frozen shoulder
• Andrew: swimmers buttock
• Maurice: carpal funnel syndrome
• Raj: gas. So much gas.
• Bruce: heartworm
• Ralph: hysterical blindness
• Paul F: skiers bladder

Injuries would not stop a determined Aces side, however, as they played a physical game all night long as evidenced by a steady stream of black shirts into the penalty box. Other goal scorers on the night were Ralph, Andrew and Aubrey.

In an odd turn of events, players missing from the roster were the only ones not injured. Of course they all had airtight excuses for not showing:

• Mike K: what, and miss The Bachelor?
• Brian M: still working on his Academy Awards pool picks
• Joe D: won't play if there's another Joe on the ice
• Bob J: passed out at hot yoga class, missed bus

I'd say let's hope for a better turnout next game, but the Aces seem to do better without a full bench. Nos vemos el miércoles amigos

Aces Non-Skiers Eke Out 6-6 Tie

With roughly half the Aces’ regulars out of the lineup due to ski season, it fell to the non-skiers on the team to hold off a hard-charging Wyse Guys bunch last game. The addition of 2 red shirts to the Aces’ lineup was necessary, as a decimated black squad could only ice 7 skaters and a goalie.

The two stand-ins came in handy, scoring the first two goals of the game while the regulars slowly got themselves into gear.

Black eventually pulled things together, withstanding the untimely injury of D-man and hack journalist Jeff M to pull ahead 5-4 with 5 minutes remaining in the third. The lead would not hold, however, and with Jeff on the bench nursing a broken hip the two teams traded goals until almost the final buzzer.

After the game, a dejected Aces squad was nevertheless philosophical about the results.

“Not our best game of the year” opined an exhausted back-up netminder and team aromatherapist Aubrey S “but I hear the conditions at Whistler are pretty sweet right now, so that makes up for it.”

Team luthier Bruce H was similarly minded after the contest. “As long as Rich and Paul and the other skiers on the team are enjoying themselves, then whatever happens out there on the ice is really secondary” he said wistfully “I mean it’s our duty to hold the fort while our brothers are engaged in the vitally important task of breaking fresh powder in the back bowls at Blackcomb or wherever they are, so this tie against the last place club is really a victory for all of us.”

Other notable absences included Al H (pain in the thorax), Brian M (still on the International Space Station) Joe Himalaya (starring in the Khatmandu Thespian Society stage production of Jersey Boys), Mike K (malfunctioning GPS unit) and of course Art W (still recovering from a tragic hibachi accident).

We hope to see more able bodies out for the next game, though your humble scribe is doubtful due to the aforementioned broken hip.