Aces Hockey Club Earns Fitting Post-Game Reward

In their most recent COTHL wednesday night game, area hockey team the Black Aces were greeted by a post-game surprise that eerily matched their efforts for the previous 45 minutes.

Going down 6-2 to the Warriors, the Aces were rewarded afterwards with giant bag of... women's cosmetics. Quickly pouncing on the stash, with an estimated street value of $800, the Aces made quick work of distributing the loot. Blush, eyeliner, nail polish, 'charged water' and many other mysterious products found their way into the Aces' equipment bags and eventually into the waiting and appreciative hands of girlfriends and spouses. Perhaps both.

"This is perfect" said team nail technician Bruce H "We played like girls tonight, and now look at all this great stuff... for our girlfriends... or spouses."

Coming just a week after a Heroic Comeback Effort, the loss knocked the blackshirts out of a first place tie with the Warriors.

"Sure we're disappointed" said team waxing technologist Raj C. "But look, I scored some wicked foundation! This stuff is worth like eighty bucks retail! Christmas shopping complete."

Team Sugardaddy Bob J, the source of the unexpected bounty, refused to reveal where the swanky toiletries had come from. "I'm not at liberty to say" said Bob "but if we lose like that again I'll be bringing in a truckload of Bon Jovi CDs and some Thighmasters ^®."

Aces Make History with Heroic Comeback Effort

When the white man arrived in North America, 75 million bison roamed the great plains, filling the earth from horizon to horizon. As the railroad pushed westward, the American government ordered the bison slaughtered in order to make way for cattle ranchers and their herds and by 1895 it was said that fewer than 1,000 animals remained. Fast forward to present day, however, and the bison are making a comeback. Thanks to ranchers in both Canada and the U.S. and to foodie elites with a taste for exotic meat there are now 500,000 and that number is growing.

Is this the greatest comeback story of all time? No.

In 1975 a young actor named John Travolta starred in the hit tv comedy Welcome Back Kotter. Travolta would later go on to fame as the lead in such films as Saturday Night Fever and Urban Cowboy before flaming out in string of duds, including Perfect (with Jamie Lee Curtis) and the forgettable Two of a Kind with Olivia Newton John. Travolta's career hit the deck, hard, but was revived in 1994 by director Quentin Tarantino when he cast the down-and-out actor in Pulp Fiction, thus saving his career and possibly his life.

Is this, then, the greatest comeback story of all time? Again, no.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010. Local hockey team the Black Aces are up against their league rivals the Wyse Guys once again. Things go well until midway through the first period, when the red shirts strike for 2 quick goals and pull into a 3-1 lead. Things looked bleak for the blackshirts. Energy levels were 50% below normal, and team sparkplug Art W. was mysteriously absent, perhaps due to a tragic barbecue mishap. Aces backup goalie Aubrey S. was giving it his all but the team was missing regular backstop Raj C, who was in South Beach Florida for his annual full body waxing. Fans were already heading for the exits.

Then, a miracle! A fluke goal careens off a defending red player's skate and eludes the volatile Wyse Guys' keeper. Another quick tally and the game is tied, and the red team is subjected to a steady barrage of insults and put-downs from their netminder. Their morale is shattered, as they are sensitive boys and prone to self-pity when criticized. Sensing the tide has turned, the black shirts pour on the pressure and shoot ahead to a 6-3 lead before finally cruising home to a 6-4 final.

Is this then, the greatest comeback of all time? Hardly. But it might be the greatest comeback of November 10, 2010 and that's not bad.

Prime Minister Blocks Sale of Aces HC

In a move that has the global investment community not at all perplexed, Canadian PM Stephen Harper this week decided to block the takeover bid for Toronto area hockey team the Black Aces by international businessman Richard Branson.

Said Industry Minister Tony Clement "We just didn't feel it was in the best interests, or in fact any interest at all, of Canadians. Or anyone else for that matter."

When asked why the sale was blocked, Clement would only say that the Prime Minister was 'not a big fan of that Branson douche, or his ridiculous hair'.

Bay Street analysts spent minutes poring over the details of the non-deal, the scuttling of which now threatens the future of the Cedarvale Oldtimers' Hockey League. Rumours of the pending buyout sent Aces players on a spending and partying spree last week, with at least 5 players arriving to the game in expensive new cars.

After the announcement, team banjo tuner Bob J. threw an almost full bottle of Cristal to the ground in disgust. "How am I going to return this motherf***ing Escalade to the dealer now, bitch? I already pimped it out with a hot tub and 3D motherf***ing TV! Damn!"

"What? The deal fell through?" said team barbecue cleaner Art W. "I just bought first class airline tickets for my wife's entire family to fly to Toronto for Christmas! There's 43 of them! What the f***? I thought this was a done deal."

Other players were reportedly scrambling to return luxury items with varying levels of success.

"If I can't bring these gold chains back to Cartier" said Aces goalie and Diwali expert Raj C. "I'm going to have to go and see Russell Oliver... I think I just threw up in my mouth there, a little."

The Aces legal team has hired Rob Ford as their new spokesman and are now in talks with Virgin to try to revive the deal under new, more favourable terms. "That fat f**k Ford is well known as a man of action" said team cribbage champion Maurice vV. "and he's not doing anything until he's sworn in as mayor anyway, so we called him up. He agreed to not only help us out with the contract, but also to get our garbage picked up, our leaves raked, and to score us some cheap Oxycontin before next game."

Branson, meanwhile (pictured above with what would have been the Aces cheerleading squad) was philosophical about the failed deal. "I own a spaceship, did you know that?" said Branson from his Caribbean island home. "A motherf***ing spaceship!"

Lets hope the legal distractions don't affect the Aces' play this week, since last week's game was pretty much ruined by all the pre-game shopping and partying. The blackshirts fell 5-3 to a so-so Bloor Battlers squad, mainly due to bad bounces and champagne hangovers.

In a bid to avert another sub-par performance, the Black Aces Blog is pleased to present this inspirational video just in time for this week's game:

Watch The Crusher

Aces Release List of Demands in Virgin Takeover Bid

Immediately following confirmation of the recently rumoured bid by Virgin CEO Richard Branson to purchase Toronto area hockey club the Black Aces, Aces legal representative and sometime left-winger Paul Ferris has released the team's list of contract demands.

In a hastily-called news conference at Aces' St. Clair Avenue W. headquarters (Ferro's restaurant, the big table way in the back) Ferris outlined a list of preconditions to the sale of the team.

"We are intrigued by the interest of Mr. Branson" said Ferris through his 'interpreter', a 21 year-old Icelandic erotic film star known only as 'Bjonk'. "If he is serious in his desire to purchase the team then he will have to satisfy our requirements in full. These are as follows.

"One. Every team member must be allowed one trip per year on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship 2. Includes full bar service and a nice set of headphones, not those shitty ones you usually get on commercial flights.

"Two. The Aces demand a year-end party hosted by Virgin Records recording artist Iggy Pop. Drinks are to be served by the Spice Girls. It's not like they're doing anything else these days anyway. And that David Beckham dude is not invited. If he shows up, the deal is off.

"Three. Richard Branson himself is to supply the post-game beer at all future Aces games. No domestic brands allowed unless pre-approved by team biermeister Bruce 'Ziggy' Harbinson. All relevent Bavarian Purity Laws apply.

"Four. Mr. Branson is to fully re-imburse the participants of the now infamous end-of-season party at Rodney's Oyster Bar. With interest.

"Five. Virgin is to cover in full all costs associated with Aces team members being ticketed by Toronto Police for travelling the wrong way on Arlington Ave on the way to the game on wednesdays.

"Six. The Aces require Virgin Records recording artists the Rolling Stones to be on standby at every Aces game. When the Aces score, the Stones are to immediately launch into "Rip This Joint" from their 1972 magnum opus "Exile on Main Street". If the Aces' opponents score, the Stones are to play "I Got the Blues" instead.

"This is a preliminary list of our demands" said Bjonk, in Icelandic. "If they are not met, there is no deal. That is all."

The Aces are said to be currently waiting for a response from Mr. Branson, whilst considering a similar competing offer from Toronto are multimillionaire mayor Rob Ford.

In other news, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces again defeated the hapless Warriors, this time by a score of 3-1. Goals by Jeff, Aubrey and Mike, more solid netminding from Raj. The team is on a roll, apparently un-perturbed by rumours of the Branson takeover.

Aces HC Clownsize Wyse Guys

In the most recent contest between local ice hockey team Aubrey's Aces and their somewhat arch-rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces so thoroughly dominated their opponents that hockey writers and broadcasters around the country are now scrambling to coin new superlatives to describe the game.

Sure, sports mediapersons already have approximately 10⁶ synonyms for "win", but none of these was up to the task of adequately depicting the Aces' 9-0 pummeling of the Wyse Guys. It was that big.

In the interest of assisting my professional brethren, I hereby humbly submit my Top 10 List of New Synonyms for "Win", or "Winonyms" if you prefer.

10. Scrotumming. As in "the Aces delivered a thorough scrotumming to the hapless Wyse Guys".

9. Sklermfarble. "The Aces dominance of the Wyse Guys was so complete that the game descended into a sklermfarble by the third period".

8. Harpering. Based on the friendly management style of our current PM. "The Aces handed the Wyse Guys a total Harpering last wednesday, leaving the red shirts whimpering and bawling like little babies, or ex-communications directors."

7. RobFordian. "The Aces brought out a can of whoop-ass of RobFordian dimensions." Refers only to Mr. Ford's physical ginormity, nothing to do with any election results (pending as of the writing of this report).

6. Clownsize. As in "The Wyse Guys were completely clownsized last game by the Aces."

5. Blackholed. Describes a complete crushing out of physical existence, as when something falls into a black hole. "The Wyse Guys will be unavailable for any future games as they were blackholed last week by a superior Aces squad."

4. Cockwhipped. Self-explanatory, really. "Looks like the Aces had the bigger dicks this week, Jim." "Right you are, Bob. They totally cockwhipped the Wyse Guys again."

3. Enemized. Refers to the process of knocking the shit out of one's opponents. "The poor Wyse Guys were simply enemized this week by a stronger Aces team, who managed to hold onto their own shit quite nicely."

2. ChuckNorrisment. "The Wyse Guys suffered a virtual chucknorrisment at the hands of the mighty Aces this past week."

1. Ballardization. To screw something up absolutely completely, over and over again. "The Wyse Guys defensive game this week can only be described as a sickening ballardization of the game of hockey."

To all the Jims and Bobs and Randys out there in TV, radio and print: I give my consent for you to use any or all of these terms in your next article or broadcast.

Game stats, for those who want the numbers: Aces 9, Wyse Guys 0.

Scoring for the blackshirts: Brian with 2, Art also with 2, plus singles from Ralph, Joe, Al, Bob and Rich.

And of course an outstanding game in net by Raj. The score did not tell the whole story as the Wyse Guys played hard to the final buzzer. And still they were cockwhipped.

Substandard Conditions in Athletes' Village Take Aces Off Their Game

In spite of assurances by Indian authorities that substandard conditions in the athletes' village had been rectified, Aces players appeared to be suffering some ill effects from their accomodations this week as they fell 4-3 to a focused Warriors squad.

"There's no hot water in the showers" whined Aces forward and channa tester Paul Ferris "It's all I can think about when I'm on the ice." Other players voiced similar complaints, including:

• "A monkey stole my skates" - Mike K
• "I am so sick of Kingfisher beer it's not even funny" - Al H
• "There's a cow in my room. I can't sleep" - Ralph R
• "I found a cobra in my jockstrap. Hiyo!" - Bruce H
• "All my equipment was stolen, and I had to buy it back from a homeless family for 10,000 rupees. I was saving that money for monkey repellent!" - Maurice V

Apparently all the distractions have had a negative impact on the Aces' game, since they could not mount the same kind of attack that propelled them to an 8-3 victory in week one. In spite of goals from Aubrey, Rich, and another player whose name I forget now, the blackshirts came out on the losing end of things.

Aces coach Aubrey S has promised to bring a more focused team to next week's match, going so far as to cancel a scheduled trip to Mrs Sangeeta's International House of Sexual Delights and Fine Discount Tailoring (pictured below).

Let's hope this tactic works.

Aces Sign New Bob, Whip Wyse Guys Asses

The 2010-2011 COTHL season began with a victory for the Black Aces, who appear set to continue their domination of the regular season once again. As per the team charter, the Aces have secured the services of at least one Bob for this year, a tradition that dates back to the early days of the league in the 1930s. That year the black shirts cruised to overall victory with the help of Black Bob McNastyman, an out of work police officer (suspended for being too mean to the Irish residents of Cabbagetown, if you can believe it) with a laser-like wrist shot (this was in the days before slap shots. Or lasers, for that matter) and a mean-streak a mile wide. Black Bob wasn't actually black, his nickname referred to the colour of his eyes when he set his sights on his next victim. Also to his teeth. Dentistry wasn't yet much in vogue in 1930s Toronto, and Bob's British heritage pretty much ensured his status as 'dentally challenged'.

Since that season every Aces team has employed at least one Bob. This year's Bob is again a defenseman with a laser-like wrist shot, as shown by his 2 goal performance in the Aces' 8-3 demolition of the red shirted Wyse Guys squad.

Besides New Bob, the difference in Game One had to be goaltending. Aces keeper Raj C looked sharp all night long, while the red goalie looked... like the opposite of sharp. Some questionable goals early on led to a visible deflation of the red team, which only led to more goals from black, which led to lower morale on red, and so on. This in spite of a red team rolling what looked like 3 full lines versus 2-lines-plus-one on side black.

Other scorers, to the best of my recollection: Ralph with 2, plus one each for Mike, Aubrey, Rich, and Joe Two-Names.

A big welcome back to team sponsor Joe Himalaya, in town dropping off a load of tequila worms from his Mexican ranch. Joe is only around for a couple of weeks before heading back to the ranch, so make sure your sweaters are freshly cleaned and pressed next week, lads. We want to make sure we get good rates for the team Christmas party this year.

As a special 'welcome back' feature, your blog host is pleased to present a short inspirational video suggested by team owner and rolfing specialist Aubrey Spring: Life in the Beer League