Aces HC Clownsize Wyse Guys

In the most recent contest between local ice hockey team Aubrey's Aces and their somewhat arch-rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces so thoroughly dominated their opponents that hockey writers and broadcasters around the country are now scrambling to coin new superlatives to describe the game.

Sure, sports mediapersons already have approximately 10⁶ synonyms for "win", but none of these was up to the task of adequately depicting the Aces' 9-0 pummeling of the Wyse Guys. It was that big.

In the interest of assisting my professional brethren, I hereby humbly submit my Top 10 List of New Synonyms for "Win", or "Winonyms" if you prefer.

10. Scrotumming. As in "the Aces delivered a thorough scrotumming to the hapless Wyse Guys".

9. Sklermfarble. "The Aces dominance of the Wyse Guys was so complete that the game descended into a sklermfarble by the third period".

8. Harpering. Based on the friendly management style of our current PM. "The Aces handed the Wyse Guys a total Harpering last wednesday, leaving the red shirts whimpering and bawling like little babies, or ex-communications directors."

7. RobFordian. "The Aces brought out a can of whoop-ass of RobFordian dimensions." Refers only to Mr. Ford's physical ginormity, nothing to do with any election results (pending as of the writing of this report).

6. Clownsize. As in "The Wyse Guys were completely clownsized last game by the Aces."

5. Blackholed. Describes a complete crushing out of physical existence, as when something falls into a black hole. "The Wyse Guys will be unavailable for any future games as they were blackholed last week by a superior Aces squad."

4. Cockwhipped. Self-explanatory, really. "Looks like the Aces had the bigger dicks this week, Jim." "Right you are, Bob. They totally cockwhipped the Wyse Guys again."

3. Enemized. Refers to the process of knocking the shit out of one's opponents. "The poor Wyse Guys were simply enemized this week by a stronger Aces team, who managed to hold onto their own shit quite nicely."

2. ChuckNorrisment. "The Wyse Guys suffered a virtual chucknorrisment at the hands of the mighty Aces this past week."

1. Ballardization. To screw something up absolutely completely, over and over again. "The Wyse Guys defensive game this week can only be described as a sickening ballardization of the game of hockey."

To all the Jims and Bobs and Randys out there in TV, radio and print: I give my consent for you to use any or all of these terms in your next article or broadcast.

Game stats, for those who want the numbers: Aces 9, Wyse Guys 0.

Scoring for the blackshirts: Brian with 2, Art also with 2, plus singles from Ralph, Joe, Al, Bob and Rich.

And of course an outstanding game in net by Raj. The score did not tell the whole story as the Wyse Guys played hard to the final buzzer. And still they were cockwhipped.

Substandard Conditions in Athletes' Village Take Aces Off Their Game

In spite of assurances by Indian authorities that substandard conditions in the athletes' village had been rectified, Aces players appeared to be suffering some ill effects from their accomodations this week as they fell 4-3 to a focused Warriors squad.

"There's no hot water in the showers" whined Aces forward and channa tester Paul Ferris "It's all I can think about when I'm on the ice." Other players voiced similar complaints, including:

• "A monkey stole my skates" - Mike K
• "I am so sick of Kingfisher beer it's not even funny" - Al H
• "There's a cow in my room. I can't sleep" - Ralph R
• "I found a cobra in my jockstrap. Hiyo!" - Bruce H
• "All my equipment was stolen, and I had to buy it back from a homeless family for 10,000 rupees. I was saving that money for monkey repellent!" - Maurice V

Apparently all the distractions have had a negative impact on the Aces' game, since they could not mount the same kind of attack that propelled them to an 8-3 victory in week one. In spite of goals from Aubrey, Rich, and another player whose name I forget now, the blackshirts came out on the losing end of things.

Aces coach Aubrey S has promised to bring a more focused team to next week's match, going so far as to cancel a scheduled trip to Mrs Sangeeta's International House of Sexual Delights and Fine Discount Tailoring (pictured below).

Let's hope this tactic works.

Aces Sign New Bob, Whip Wyse Guys Asses

The 2010-2011 COTHL season began with a victory for the Black Aces, who appear set to continue their domination of the regular season once again. As per the team charter, the Aces have secured the services of at least one Bob for this year, a tradition that dates back to the early days of the league in the 1930s. That year the black shirts cruised to overall victory with the help of Black Bob McNastyman, an out of work police officer (suspended for being too mean to the Irish residents of Cabbagetown, if you can believe it) with a laser-like wrist shot (this was in the days before slap shots. Or lasers, for that matter) and a mean-streak a mile wide. Black Bob wasn't actually black, his nickname referred to the colour of his eyes when he set his sights on his next victim. Also to his teeth. Dentistry wasn't yet much in vogue in 1930s Toronto, and Bob's British heritage pretty much ensured his status as 'dentally challenged'.

Since that season every Aces team has employed at least one Bob. This year's Bob is again a defenseman with a laser-like wrist shot, as shown by his 2 goal performance in the Aces' 8-3 demolition of the red shirted Wyse Guys squad.

Besides New Bob, the difference in Game One had to be goaltending. Aces keeper Raj C looked sharp all night long, while the red goalie looked... like the opposite of sharp. Some questionable goals early on led to a visible deflation of the red team, which only led to more goals from black, which led to lower morale on red, and so on. This in spite of a red team rolling what looked like 3 full lines versus 2-lines-plus-one on side black.

Other scorers, to the best of my recollection: Ralph with 2, plus one each for Mike, Aubrey, Rich, and Joe Two-Names.

A big welcome back to team sponsor Joe Himalaya, in town dropping off a load of tequila worms from his Mexican ranch. Joe is only around for a couple of weeks before heading back to the ranch, so make sure your sweaters are freshly cleaned and pressed next week, lads. We want to make sure we get good rates for the team Christmas party this year.

As a special 'welcome back' feature, your blog host is pleased to present a short inspirational video suggested by team owner and rolfing specialist Aubrey Spring: Life in the Beer League

Aces Defenseman Sleeps Through Victory

In the last regular season game of 2009-2010, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces managed an efficient 4-2 victory over league rivals the Wyse Guys in spite of being down one key member of their defense corps. D-man and team bibliophile Al Heavenrich spent the entire game at home snoozing while his teammates were forced to take up the slack.

While Aces defense are well-known for periodic naps during games, this is the first time they have attempted to employ the strategy away from the rink. At approximately 22:30h Heavenrich posted this apologetic email: "I was reading before leaving for the game and fell asleep... Woke up now! Aargh!" This of course would have been some 45 minutes after the official start time for the game (but in actual fact only 15 minutes after the puck was finally dropped). Team utility infielder Aubrey Spring was pressed into service, and the D managed to hold the Wyse Guys to a pair in spite of their own occasional displays of somnambulance.

A more or less full turnout helped power the Aces past their opponents, who were unable to keep pace with their younger, fitter, better-looking opponents. Plus, the blackshirts were pleased to welcome back Olympians Raj and Rich, which may have provided some additional inspiration.

Next week is game one of the playoffs. So remember to keep following your strict fitness regimen this week. All team members are expected to complete the following exercises prior to next wednesday:

Pushups: at least 3, but no more than 5
Situps: 5 full situps or 1 'crunch' (optional)
Curls: 10 reps, full tallboy each arm (acceptable substitute = 100 reps using a Coors light)
Yoga: No.

Anyone watching the full P90X infomercial is exempt from all requirements.

Aces Take Two Game Series 12-10

While hockey fans the world over were being distracted by the Olympics, Toronto hockey team Aubrey’s Aces completed a 2 game series with the Warriors this past wednesday, emerging victorious by a 12-10 margin and retaining their hold on first place in the COTHL.

As fans will recall, game one of the series was held January 27. In that game, the mighty Aces easily swept the weakling Warriors aside by a 9-3 margin. That comfortable cushion was enough to allow the Aces to use game 2 as a rest day, ensuring that optimal energy levels are maintained in the run-up to the playoffs. The blackshirts opted to go with a full bench, evenly spreading the effort level around the team so that no single player would have to over-exert himself.

The Warriors, meanwhile, foolishly expended large amounts of energy through all three periods of the game, repeatedly engaging in unwise displays of aggressive forechecking, rugged defensive play, and fuel-inefficient end-to-end rushes. Aces team calorimetrics expert Mike King estimates that the game cost the Warriors 15 kilojoules per goal... per player! The fools. “At this rate” laughed King after the game, peering up from his scientific calculator “They will be out of gas before the playoffs even begin! What a bunch of n00bs!”

The final result in game 2 was a 3-7 “loss”, but of course the actual final score was 12-10 in favour of the Aces. More importantly, the Aces were able to maintain full energy reserves, which will be crucial down the home stretch and into the post-season.

The Magnificent Seven or Eight

A cold wind blows across an empty ice rink, somewhere in central Toronto. Don’t ask how a wind can blow indoors, ok? It just does. And it’s cold.

The gate opens with a bang, and the Wyse Guys stream onto the ice - player after player after player until the rink is half full of circling skaters, perhaps 35 in all.

A few moments pass before the Aces appear... seven players in total. Goalie Raj plus only six skaters: Maurice, Al and Jeff on defense, and Ralph, Mike, and Brian up front. That’s it. Seven stalwart men in black jerseys against a swirling army of foes.

The outcome seemed a foregone conclusion; the Aces would fall for the second week in a row. How could it not come to pass? Against a force five times their size the Aces, though mighty beyond reckoning, could not possibly prevail... or could they?

The first sign that things would not go entirely the Wyse Guys’ way came before the first puck was dropped. A shadowy figure appears behind the Aces’ bench, and the key to the room is passed to him - Joe TwoNames has arrived, and the team would soon have one more pair of legs and lungs to send into battle. That would mean seven skaters plus a goalie, and more importantly, two spares on the bench at all times.

The first period saw the Aces not only keep pace with their fully-stocked opponents, but actually outplay, outshoot and outchance them. Thanks to some solid play by the Wyse Guys’ goalkeeper the period ended in a 0-0 draw. In the Aces net Raj was also showing that he was very much on his game, turning aside several tough chances.

The Wyse Guys, however, would slowly pull away in periods two and three. Taking advantage of the Aces’ diminishing energy levels, the Guys would put the puck in the net twice before the Aces could answer with any goals of their own.

But answer they did, with goals from Ralph and Brian. The game was tied 2-2 heading into the final few minutes and the Aces were seriously out of gas. A mad scramble around the Aces goal and the puck was shoved over the line! Only to be called back by a brave call by ref Donny: at least one enemy player was in the crease at the time of the goal and it was waived off.

Final score: 8 Aces 2, 35 Wyse Guys also 2. Do the math: Aces clearly win on goals per player ratio.

And finally, a plea for all Aces players currently deployed overseas to get on the next flight home. That means Art W, currently in India seeking enlightenment through consumption of massive quantities of cheap Indian beer, and Joe Himalaya, presently in hiding from the Mexican mafia somewhere in Puerto Vallarta.

Aces Resume Mid-Season Tailspin

Only a week after riding high on a stunning one game win streak, the mighty Aces now find themselves languishing in first place in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League after a humiliating loss to the powerful last place Bloor Battlers.

This, remember, comes hot on the heels of an earlier one game losing streak the week before. The unpredictable Aces are now officially in the midst of an all out death spiral. Can second place be far behind?

Game details

The Battlers iced 6 full lines and 8 defense versus the Aces more casual 6-ish forwards and 4 (give or take) D. This disparity would prove the difference in the end, as the Aces could not maintain the necessary pace for the full 3 periods. The Battlers meanwhile were rolling their 6 lines all night with support from a team of massage therapists, nutritionists, and sport psychologists. The Aces never stood a chance.

Aces mountaineering expert Joe Himalaya has promised to level the playing field on his return by keeping the bench fully stocked with top quality Chinese-made oxygen tanks scavenged from the slopes of Everest. Something to look forward to come playoff time.

Final score: 6-2 for the bad guys, but fuck them anyway. They can have their hollow midseason win. Who cares if their star players have started showing up again? The Aces are solid for the playoffs, once all of their star players start showing up. Which should be next week, since we’re back to the early time slot.

In the meantime, please enjoy this week’s video presentation of a turtle having a really good time.