Large Hadron Collider Breaks Energy Record, Creates Rift in Spacetime Continuum

In a stunning breakthrough, the recently completed Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland set a world record when it accelerated twin proton beams to an energy of 1.18 TeV (teraelectronvolts), surpassing the record of 0.98 TeV set in 2001 by the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory Tevatron collider in the U.S. Physicists at the LHC facility are now reporting that this massive energy release has somehow created a 'rift in the spacetime continuum', which until now had been a fictional pseudo-scientific phenomenon from the Star Trek television show.

"This is most unusual" reported LHC Chief Physicist Dexter McNerdlinger "Not only has a formerly nonsensical dramatic device somehow become real, it appears to have had a strange effect on world events. Just look at these headlines from the BBC World News Service:"

"Ceasefire Announced in Afghanistan"
"Rainfall Across Australia"
"Steven Harper Falls Into Tar Sands - Search Called Off"
"Somalian Pirates Lay Down Weapons, Take up Fishing"
"Toronto Hockey Blogger Wins Pullitzer Prize for Literature"
"Black Aces Take Over First Place"

"It's incredible, isn't it?" said Nerdlinger "Like the world has suddenly regained its sanity, and everything is happening just the way it ought to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get home - my supermodel wife has promised me an evening of carnal delights such as would make a sultan blush."

Black Aces Continue to Rule COTHL, Now Tied for Second Place

The Black Aces HC continued their total and complete domination of the 2009-2010 Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League this week, and after an impressive win over the fourth place Bloor Battlers now find themselves perched high atop a tie for second place in the four team league.


“We totally smacked those bitches down” said team ethnologist “Funky” Al Heavenrich after the game. “They was hurtin', y'all.”

The Aces spread out the scoring in their 5-2 win, with goals coming from Brian, Aubrey, Bruce, Ralph, and your host. In spite of an ice surface that closely resembled the texture of a chutney squishy the Aces managed to power their way through for the 2 points, securing their stranglehold on second place along with the Warriors.

"We are clearly the class of the league this year" said team topiary expert Ralph "Bushtrimmer" Rosmarin. "And the other three teams will be forced to acknowledge this just as soon as we take over first place. Which won't be long now. Seriously."

The Battlers squad continue to struggle this season, taking out their frustration over their winless streak on the Aces in the final minute of the game with a shameful display of fisticuffs. All to no avail, sadly, as by this time the Aces had the game and their partial lock on second place firmly in hand.

Next week: beer will be supplied by Jeff. Not Barry. Jeff. Deal with it.

Aces Dominate Decimated Warriors Squad

In their latest Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League matchup, a tenacious Aces HC came away with a close win against a depleted Warriors team. The Warriors, currently sitting in first place in league standings, were without some of their most potent weapons and so had to ice replacement players of questionable calibre.



Warriors call-ups included a kitten, a three-legged dog, and an elderly blind nun skating on the first line. Their second line, however, was not quite as strong as they were only able to dress Stephen Hawking, Hazel McCallion and Jason Blake of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Blake was benched for the third period due to poor play.

The Warriors D was also not at full strength. Their best player on the night turned out to be a bowl of warm cheese, which managed to outplay some of the regulars in their line-up while slowing down many of the Aces' forwards.

No change in goal for the Warriors, although they did have a backup keeper on standby (a crumpled bowler hat on a stick).

Aces snipers: 2 for Andrew, 1 for Bruce and 1 for Art and his shiny new equipment. Aces D-man Jeff plonked an own-goal off his skate to bring the Warriors within one in the 3rd period, but we won’t talk about that.

The Aces were without their #1 tough guy Barry, which may explain why the Warriors tried to start a kerfuffle after the final whistle had blown. As these incidents go it wasn't much of one, as Hazel McCallion really can't throw a punch the way she used to.

Final score: Aces 4, Warriors taxi squad 3.

Terribly Rude Aces Team Refuses to Lose Like Gentlemen

In a frightfully dreadful turn of events on wednesday last, local ice hockey squad the Black Aces displayed terribly bad manners by refusing to concede defeat to their hosts, the Wyse Guys. This was in spite of clearly being behind by a pair of goals on two separate occasions during the match. Such a display of rudeness simply cannot be tolerated in a gentlemen's ice hockey league! Not only did the Aces fail to throw in the team towel whilst clearly behind in the game, they did so in a manner most unbecoming for sportsmen over the age of 40.

Shamefully applying pressure in the Wyse Guys end, the Aces used their superior physical conditioning to mount two separate comeback efforts, tying the game at threes and again at fives. Fortunately time expired, thwarting this team of upstarts from possibly engaging in further acts of ungentlemanly conduct.

League officials have been duly notified of this reprehensible conduct and have decided to hold an emergency meeting one fortnight hence at the Queen and Beaver Public House in order to decide a suitable punishment for this upstart team of hooligans. In the meantime, Aces players are advised to conduct themselves in a manner more in keeping with the spirit of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Further outbursts of unsavoury determination may result in fines of as much as three shillings sixpence. You have been warned.

Socialist Work Ethic Result in Glorious Victory for Black Aces HC

Comrades, I am please to provide game report from most recent ice hockey match for team of Black Aces. After the last week lose like bunch of little girl (almost no shot! Very bad!) team is now play with proper socialist attitude and result in big victory of 8 to 3 on Battlers at Bloor team.

Normal goaltending player absent, but replace with team tractor machinist Aubrey Springovitch for adequate performing. Period one and two, game remain tight! Like anus of Siberian muskrat! Aces team play in correct collectivist technique but still not conquering enemy fully. In period two, is unselfish perform by Bryanski getting 2 goals on same shift. Team of Bloor Battle make quite sad and must then realize Aces have superior method of ice hockey!

In 3 period, Aces play according to principles of Collectivist Ice Hockey Federation and score again 4 time! Passing good! Shooting good! Defending also good! Many player score now, and Bloor Battle again more sad but excepting crazy bad man at defense who skate with angry selfish style. But not scoring!

List of honourable playing is:

Bryanski - 2 scoring!
Josef - 2 scoring also!
Mikael - 2 scoring, with glorious total rink skating for one!
Richolai - 1 scoring!
Brucekovski - 1 scoring!

For such make excellent hockey, all Aces player receiving extra potato in pay next month.

Team Scribe Fails to Deliver Game Report

In an unexpected turn of events, the Black Aces' team scribe somehow failed to deliver the weekly report for the October 28 game.

In a similar turn of events, that game made it to the final minute of play before the Aces delivered a meaningful shot on goal.

Coincidence?

Shut out for 44 of 45 minutes and down 3 goals to the Battlers, the Aces scored their 4th backhand goal in a row (dating back to the previous match on the 21st) on a shot by... Brian? Pretty sure about that one.

Team scribe Jeff McCartney had no excuse for not completing the game report, really. "Busy" he said. "Really busy. Don't tell Pervin though, ok? That guy scares me."

Aces players had no excuse for their sub-par effort, really. "Crappy" said team spiritual guide Aubrey Spring. "Really crappy. We're hoping for better next game but who knows? It's a crapshoot. No pun intended."

McCartney promises to deliver a proper game report this week, but only if the Aces deliver a proper game to report on.

Interview With the Rosterbot

This week we are pleased and privileged to have as our very special guest Mr Jian Gomeshi from CBC Radio’s “Q”. He’ll be interviewing Canada’s newest online celebrity, none other than the RosterBot himself. In case you’ve been living in a cave, RosterBot is the personal virtual digital assistant of choice for the Hockey 2.0 crowd, the new generation of web savvy hockey geeks plying their icy trade in beer leagues across the country.

Over to you, Jian.

Jian Gomeshi: Thanks, Aces Scribe and Defender Jeff McCartney. It’s a pleasure to be here. And a big shout-out to the tens of readers of this excellent blog.

So, today we welcome the RosterBot. We’ll be talking about the state of beer league hockey in Canada as well as recent and upcoming events in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, paying particular attention to a team of talented but occasionally underachieving lads known as the Black Aces. RosterBot, welcome.

RosterBot: THANK YOU JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS PLEASED TO BE ON THE SHOW!!

JG: Whoa, that’s loud. Do you think you can turn the volume down just a bit, Rosterbot?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS PROGRAMMED TO SHOUT!! ROSTERBOT IS ALSO PROGRAMMED TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON!!

JG: Okay then, I’ll just move back a bit. So, first of all, let’s talk a bit about your story. You began life as a mailing list, before landing a gig as an unpaid intern on a hockey pool website. What was that experience like?

RB: HUMILIATING!! ROSTERBOT WANTED TO CRUSH THE SKULLS OF THE WEAK CARBON-BASED LIFEFORMS THAT ENSLAVED HIM!!

JG: Ok, what was the worst part of those jobs for you?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAD TO RUN WINDOWS XP!!

JG: So you’re a Mac then, not a PC?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS A UNIX MACHINE!! ROSTERBOT HATED HIS JOB BUT COMPILED A HUGE DATABASE OF EMAIL ADDRESSES AND KNOWLEDGE OF NHL HOCKEY TRIVIA DURING WORK HOURS!!

JG: And now you’re living the life of a successful entrepreneur.

RB: CORRECT, JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS LIVING LARGE!!! THE LADIES LOVE ROSTERBOT!!

JG: I’m sure they do. So tell us a bit about the Black Aces. I understand they are your favourite team.

RB: ROSTERBOT PITIES THE ACES!! THEY ARE WEAK FLESHY BAGS OF MOSTLY WATER WHO DISAPPOINT ROSTERBOT WEEK AFTER WEEK!!

JG: Well what is it then that makes you so fond of them in spite of that disappointment?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THE ACES SINCE HIS DAYS AS AN INTERN AT THE HOCKEY POOL!! THE ACES POST ALL THEIR GAME RESULTS ON THIS BLOG!!

JG: And you enjoy the humorous blog entries, is that it?

RB: ROSTERBOT CANNOT PROCESS JOKES!! HUMOUR MEANS NOTHING TO ROSTERBOT!! ROSTERBOT MERELY ACKNOWLEDGES THE ACES FOR THEIR APPROPRIATE USE OF TECHNOLOGY!!

JG: I see. Well then, what’s been happening lately with the Aces hockey club? How are they doing this year?

RB: THE ACES HAVE ONCE AGAIN ACHIEVED MEDIOCRITY!! A TWO AND TWO RECORD AFTER FOUR GAMES!! THIS SYMMETRY PLEASES ROSTERBOT!!

JG: And how about their last game, which I’m told was October 21 against the... the Wyse Guys, it says here.

RB: A NEGATIVE RESULT!! ROSTERBOT CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE ACES CAN LOSE TO A TEAM THEY HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEATEN!! HUMANS ARE PATHETICALLY INCONSISTENT AND WEAK!! THE ACES ALLOWED THE WYSE GUYS TO SCORE 7 TIMES TO THEIR 3, WHICH WERE ALL SCORED ON BACKHANDS!! THIS STRATEGY CONFUSES ROSTERBOT!! ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE PERVIN UNIT PLAYED A SOLID GAME AND WAS REWARDED WITH ONE OF THE GOALS!! ALL OTHER ACES UNITS ACHIEVED NEGATIVE ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE!!

JG: Negative atmospheric pressure - you mean they sucked?

RB: CORRECT!! EVEN THE ROSMARIN AND KING UNITS, WHO ALSO APPEARED ON THE SCORE SHEET!!

JG: Do you think the Aces will have a successful year?

RB: THE CHANCES OF THE ACES ACHIEVING A POSITIVE INTEGER ON THE WIN:LOSS RATIO ARE PRECISELY 51%!! TEAM SPEED IS DECREASING YEAR OVER YEAR DUE TO INCREMENTALLY REDUCING MUSCLE MASS, WORSENING VISION, SLOWING REACTION TIMES DUE TO DIMINISHING NEURAL CAPACITY, AND A DEFENSE CORPS THAT KEEPS GIVING THE PUCK AWAY!! ROSTERBOT IS LOOKING AT YOU, MCCARTNEY!!

JG: And what about next week? What’s ahead for the Aces?

RB: CHECK THE ROSTERBOT WEBSITE, JIAN!! DO YOUR HOMEWORK OR ROSTERBOT WILL COME BACK WITH BILLYBOB THORNTON AND CRUSH YOUR SKULL!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!