Aces Dominate Decimated Warriors Squad

In their latest Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League matchup, a tenacious Aces HC came away with a close win against a depleted Warriors team. The Warriors, currently sitting in first place in league standings, were without some of their most potent weapons and so had to ice replacement players of questionable calibre.



Warriors call-ups included a kitten, a three-legged dog, and an elderly blind nun skating on the first line. Their second line, however, was not quite as strong as they were only able to dress Stephen Hawking, Hazel McCallion and Jason Blake of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Blake was benched for the third period due to poor play.

The Warriors D was also not at full strength. Their best player on the night turned out to be a bowl of warm cheese, which managed to outplay some of the regulars in their line-up while slowing down many of the Aces' forwards.

No change in goal for the Warriors, although they did have a backup keeper on standby (a crumpled bowler hat on a stick).

Aces snipers: 2 for Andrew, 1 for Bruce and 1 for Art and his shiny new equipment. Aces D-man Jeff plonked an own-goal off his skate to bring the Warriors within one in the 3rd period, but we won’t talk about that.

The Aces were without their #1 tough guy Barry, which may explain why the Warriors tried to start a kerfuffle after the final whistle had blown. As these incidents go it wasn't much of one, as Hazel McCallion really can't throw a punch the way she used to.

Final score: Aces 4, Warriors taxi squad 3.

Terribly Rude Aces Team Refuses to Lose Like Gentlemen

In a frightfully dreadful turn of events on wednesday last, local ice hockey squad the Black Aces displayed terribly bad manners by refusing to concede defeat to their hosts, the Wyse Guys. This was in spite of clearly being behind by a pair of goals on two separate occasions during the match. Such a display of rudeness simply cannot be tolerated in a gentlemen's ice hockey league! Not only did the Aces fail to throw in the team towel whilst clearly behind in the game, they did so in a manner most unbecoming for sportsmen over the age of 40.

Shamefully applying pressure in the Wyse Guys end, the Aces used their superior physical conditioning to mount two separate comeback efforts, tying the game at threes and again at fives. Fortunately time expired, thwarting this team of upstarts from possibly engaging in further acts of ungentlemanly conduct.

League officials have been duly notified of this reprehensible conduct and have decided to hold an emergency meeting one fortnight hence at the Queen and Beaver Public House in order to decide a suitable punishment for this upstart team of hooligans. In the meantime, Aces players are advised to conduct themselves in a manner more in keeping with the spirit of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Further outbursts of unsavoury determination may result in fines of as much as three shillings sixpence. You have been warned.

Socialist Work Ethic Result in Glorious Victory for Black Aces HC

Comrades, I am please to provide game report from most recent ice hockey match for team of Black Aces. After the last week lose like bunch of little girl (almost no shot! Very bad!) team is now play with proper socialist attitude and result in big victory of 8 to 3 on Battlers at Bloor team.

Normal goaltending player absent, but replace with team tractor machinist Aubrey Springovitch for adequate performing. Period one and two, game remain tight! Like anus of Siberian muskrat! Aces team play in correct collectivist technique but still not conquering enemy fully. In period two, is unselfish perform by Bryanski getting 2 goals on same shift. Team of Bloor Battle make quite sad and must then realize Aces have superior method of ice hockey!

In 3 period, Aces play according to principles of Collectivist Ice Hockey Federation and score again 4 time! Passing good! Shooting good! Defending also good! Many player score now, and Bloor Battle again more sad but excepting crazy bad man at defense who skate with angry selfish style. But not scoring!

List of honourable playing is:

Bryanski - 2 scoring!
Josef - 2 scoring also!
Mikael - 2 scoring, with glorious total rink skating for one!
Richolai - 1 scoring!
Brucekovski - 1 scoring!

For such make excellent hockey, all Aces player receiving extra potato in pay next month.

Team Scribe Fails to Deliver Game Report

In an unexpected turn of events, the Black Aces' team scribe somehow failed to deliver the weekly report for the October 28 game.

In a similar turn of events, that game made it to the final minute of play before the Aces delivered a meaningful shot on goal.

Coincidence?

Shut out for 44 of 45 minutes and down 3 goals to the Battlers, the Aces scored their 4th backhand goal in a row (dating back to the previous match on the 21st) on a shot by... Brian? Pretty sure about that one.

Team scribe Jeff McCartney had no excuse for not completing the game report, really. "Busy" he said. "Really busy. Don't tell Pervin though, ok? That guy scares me."

Aces players had no excuse for their sub-par effort, really. "Crappy" said team spiritual guide Aubrey Spring. "Really crappy. We're hoping for better next game but who knows? It's a crapshoot. No pun intended."

McCartney promises to deliver a proper game report this week, but only if the Aces deliver a proper game to report on.

Interview With the Rosterbot

This week we are pleased and privileged to have as our very special guest Mr Jian Gomeshi from CBC Radio’s “Q”. He’ll be interviewing Canada’s newest online celebrity, none other than the RosterBot himself. In case you’ve been living in a cave, RosterBot is the personal virtual digital assistant of choice for the Hockey 2.0 crowd, the new generation of web savvy hockey geeks plying their icy trade in beer leagues across the country.

Over to you, Jian.

Jian Gomeshi: Thanks, Aces Scribe and Defender Jeff McCartney. It’s a pleasure to be here. And a big shout-out to the tens of readers of this excellent blog.

So, today we welcome the RosterBot. We’ll be talking about the state of beer league hockey in Canada as well as recent and upcoming events in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, paying particular attention to a team of talented but occasionally underachieving lads known as the Black Aces. RosterBot, welcome.

RosterBot: THANK YOU JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS PLEASED TO BE ON THE SHOW!!

JG: Whoa, that’s loud. Do you think you can turn the volume down just a bit, Rosterbot?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS PROGRAMMED TO SHOUT!! ROSTERBOT IS ALSO PROGRAMMED TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON!!

JG: Okay then, I’ll just move back a bit. So, first of all, let’s talk a bit about your story. You began life as a mailing list, before landing a gig as an unpaid intern on a hockey pool website. What was that experience like?

RB: HUMILIATING!! ROSTERBOT WANTED TO CRUSH THE SKULLS OF THE WEAK CARBON-BASED LIFEFORMS THAT ENSLAVED HIM!!

JG: Ok, what was the worst part of those jobs for you?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAD TO RUN WINDOWS XP!!

JG: So you’re a Mac then, not a PC?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS A UNIX MACHINE!! ROSTERBOT HATED HIS JOB BUT COMPILED A HUGE DATABASE OF EMAIL ADDRESSES AND KNOWLEDGE OF NHL HOCKEY TRIVIA DURING WORK HOURS!!

JG: And now you’re living the life of a successful entrepreneur.

RB: CORRECT, JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS LIVING LARGE!!! THE LADIES LOVE ROSTERBOT!!

JG: I’m sure they do. So tell us a bit about the Black Aces. I understand they are your favourite team.

RB: ROSTERBOT PITIES THE ACES!! THEY ARE WEAK FLESHY BAGS OF MOSTLY WATER WHO DISAPPOINT ROSTERBOT WEEK AFTER WEEK!!

JG: Well what is it then that makes you so fond of them in spite of that disappointment?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THE ACES SINCE HIS DAYS AS AN INTERN AT THE HOCKEY POOL!! THE ACES POST ALL THEIR GAME RESULTS ON THIS BLOG!!

JG: And you enjoy the humorous blog entries, is that it?

RB: ROSTERBOT CANNOT PROCESS JOKES!! HUMOUR MEANS NOTHING TO ROSTERBOT!! ROSTERBOT MERELY ACKNOWLEDGES THE ACES FOR THEIR APPROPRIATE USE OF TECHNOLOGY!!

JG: I see. Well then, what’s been happening lately with the Aces hockey club? How are they doing this year?

RB: THE ACES HAVE ONCE AGAIN ACHIEVED MEDIOCRITY!! A TWO AND TWO RECORD AFTER FOUR GAMES!! THIS SYMMETRY PLEASES ROSTERBOT!!

JG: And how about their last game, which I’m told was October 21 against the... the Wyse Guys, it says here.

RB: A NEGATIVE RESULT!! ROSTERBOT CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE ACES CAN LOSE TO A TEAM THEY HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEATEN!! HUMANS ARE PATHETICALLY INCONSISTENT AND WEAK!! THE ACES ALLOWED THE WYSE GUYS TO SCORE 7 TIMES TO THEIR 3, WHICH WERE ALL SCORED ON BACKHANDS!! THIS STRATEGY CONFUSES ROSTERBOT!! ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE PERVIN UNIT PLAYED A SOLID GAME AND WAS REWARDED WITH ONE OF THE GOALS!! ALL OTHER ACES UNITS ACHIEVED NEGATIVE ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE!!

JG: Negative atmospheric pressure - you mean they sucked?

RB: CORRECT!! EVEN THE ROSMARIN AND KING UNITS, WHO ALSO APPEARED ON THE SCORE SHEET!!

JG: Do you think the Aces will have a successful year?

RB: THE CHANCES OF THE ACES ACHIEVING A POSITIVE INTEGER ON THE WIN:LOSS RATIO ARE PRECISELY 51%!! TEAM SPEED IS DECREASING YEAR OVER YEAR DUE TO INCREMENTALLY REDUCING MUSCLE MASS, WORSENING VISION, SLOWING REACTION TIMES DUE TO DIMINISHING NEURAL CAPACITY, AND A DEFENSE CORPS THAT KEEPS GIVING THE PUCK AWAY!! ROSTERBOT IS LOOKING AT YOU, MCCARTNEY!!

JG: And what about next week? What’s ahead for the Aces?

RB: CHECK THE ROSTERBOT WEBSITE, JIAN!! DO YOUR HOMEWORK OR ROSTERBOT WILL COME BACK WITH BILLYBOB THORNTON AND CRUSH YOUR SKULL!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!

Aces Stun Battlers in Stunning Comeback. Stunning, Really.

In a game that can only be described (apparently) as stunning, the Black Aces pulled off an upset of quasi-biblical proportions last night at the Phil White SportsPlex Facility in midtown Toronto.

In front of no cameras or cheering fans, the black shirts overcame long stretches of awfulness, interspersed with lengthy periods of ineptitude and stupidity to somehow hand the temporarily white-shirted Blue team a 7-4 thrashing.

The Aces fell behind repeatedly, only to claw their way back into the game on the back of a 3 goal performance by Ralph "It's not a slapshot" Rosmarin plus additional markers by Mike King, Aubrey Spring, Brian NuBrian and an especially stunning short-handed goal by your humble scribe and stalwart D-man Jeff "It's definitely not a slapshot" McCartney.

Accurately finding the 5 hole from his own side of centre ice, McCartney's first and possibly last goal of the season almost made up for several blunders in his own end that led directly to goals against.

This game will be remembered (or forgotten, depending on who you talk to) for Raj's replay of last season's playoff-ending clearing 'pass', this time leading only to a harmless mid-game goal whilst his D could only watch helplessly. It will also be remembered for Aubrey's teacherly tongue-lashing of an unimpressed and unrepentant Tall Black Dude from the Red Team who used his guest appearance on the Battlers as an opportunity to create some mayhem in front of the Aces net. For which he was ejected from the game, thus saving himself from a beating at the hands of an enraged Barry "It's a fucking slaphshot, bitch, what are you gonna do about it" Pervin.

Next week is another late game, so let's make sure everyone gets their beauty sleep before the game this time, instead of during the first 2 periods.

Aces Peak Early in Decisive Opening Game Victory

The Black Aces Hockey Club opened the 2009-2010 season in mid-season form on September 30, somehow turning a summer of beer, barbecues and general sloth into a convincing 4-1 win over the Wyse Guys.

In spite of some off-season acquisitions, the Wyse Guys were simply no match for the blackshirts, whose defense corps repeatedly repelled the speedy newcomers on the red team. When the Wyse Guys did manage to break through for a shot on goal, Aces netminder Raj Chockalingam was there to make the save in (almost) every case.

6 forwards and 4 D looks to be a good lineup for the Aces, as there were no embarrassing line change screw-ups, and the general fitness level seemed to be good. This may be due to the rigorous high-altitude training camp run by team sherpa Joey Himalaya, who flew the entire team over to Nepal at great personal expense this past June. It's either that or the EPO provided by team pharmacist Aubrey "The Chemist" Spring. Either way, the Aces looked good.

Goal scorers on the night: Andrew, Art, Al, and Mike, in no particular order except maybe in order of handsomeness. I'll leave you to decide whether that's ascending or descending order.

Regulars Brian, Paul, Brian2, Ralph, Bruce and Barry were absent as they were busy attending the Fashion Cares gala event at the Buddies in Bad Times Theatre. See you next week, girls?

Since the team began the year in peak form, we should be just about hitting our stride by Christmas. Which means that come playoff time we'll all be 5 pounds heavier and totally out of shape, but totally kicking ass... on the golf course.