Aces Stun Battlers in Stunning Comeback. Stunning, Really.

In a game that can only be described (apparently) as stunning, the Black Aces pulled off an upset of quasi-biblical proportions last night at the Phil White SportsPlex Facility in midtown Toronto.

In front of no cameras or cheering fans, the black shirts overcame long stretches of awfulness, interspersed with lengthy periods of ineptitude and stupidity to somehow hand the temporarily white-shirted Blue team a 7-4 thrashing.

The Aces fell behind repeatedly, only to claw their way back into the game on the back of a 3 goal performance by Ralph "It's not a slapshot" Rosmarin plus additional markers by Mike King, Aubrey Spring, Brian NuBrian and an especially stunning short-handed goal by your humble scribe and stalwart D-man Jeff "It's definitely not a slapshot" McCartney.

Accurately finding the 5 hole from his own side of centre ice, McCartney's first and possibly last goal of the season almost made up for several blunders in his own end that led directly to goals against.

This game will be remembered (or forgotten, depending on who you talk to) for Raj's replay of last season's playoff-ending clearing 'pass', this time leading only to a harmless mid-game goal whilst his D could only watch helplessly. It will also be remembered for Aubrey's teacherly tongue-lashing of an unimpressed and unrepentant Tall Black Dude from the Red Team who used his guest appearance on the Battlers as an opportunity to create some mayhem in front of the Aces net. For which he was ejected from the game, thus saving himself from a beating at the hands of an enraged Barry "It's a fucking slaphshot, bitch, what are you gonna do about it" Pervin.

Next week is another late game, so let's make sure everyone gets their beauty sleep before the game this time, instead of during the first 2 periods.

Aces Peak Early in Decisive Opening Game Victory

The Black Aces Hockey Club opened the 2009-2010 season in mid-season form on September 30, somehow turning a summer of beer, barbecues and general sloth into a convincing 4-1 win over the Wyse Guys.

In spite of some off-season acquisitions, the Wyse Guys were simply no match for the blackshirts, whose defense corps repeatedly repelled the speedy newcomers on the red team. When the Wyse Guys did manage to break through for a shot on goal, Aces netminder Raj Chockalingam was there to make the save in (almost) every case.

6 forwards and 4 D looks to be a good lineup for the Aces, as there were no embarrassing line change screw-ups, and the general fitness level seemed to be good. This may be due to the rigorous high-altitude training camp run by team sherpa Joey Himalaya, who flew the entire team over to Nepal at great personal expense this past June. It's either that or the EPO provided by team pharmacist Aubrey "The Chemist" Spring. Either way, the Aces looked good.

Goal scorers on the night: Andrew, Art, Al, and Mike, in no particular order except maybe in order of handsomeness. I'll leave you to decide whether that's ascending or descending order.

Regulars Brian, Paul, Brian2, Ralph, Bruce and Barry were absent as they were busy attending the Fashion Cares gala event at the Buddies in Bad Times Theatre. See you next week, girls?

Since the team began the year in peak form, we should be just about hitting our stride by Christmas. Which means that come playoff time we'll all be 5 pounds heavier and totally out of shape, but totally kicking ass... on the golf course.

Aces Dominate Post-Season Pizza Event

In a late season move that none of the other teams are still talking about, local hockey club Aubrey's Aces put a serious hurt on the competition in last wednesday's post-season pizza & beer contest.

While the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors casually scarfed the occasional slice and nonchalantly sipped their beers, a determined Aces squad opened up an insurmountable lead in the food & beverage department. 

Lacking the superior bench strength that saw them dominate in 1 of 2 playoff games, the Blackshirts nevertheless were able to destroy several large Ferros' pizzas in record time. Ferros staff were also hard pressed to keep the team's beer jugs full, so great was the Aces' collective thirst (for victory). 

"We had a point to prove" said team gastroenterologist Paul Ferris "and I daresay we proved it tonight with that performance." 

"A total team effort" chipped in coach and alternative vehicle specialist Aubrey Spring "except for the guys who didn't come."

No mention was made of the team's tragic overtime semi-final loss to the Warriors, nor of the consolation round clobbering delivered to the Wyse Guys. Idle chit-chat would only have slowed down the furious rate of pizza and beer consumption, thereby putting the season finale at risk.

*  *  *

A fun season, lads. Let's do it again next year.

Your humble scribe.

Best Wishes From Some Celebrity Fans

In honour of our impending playoff triumph, your humble scribe has rounded up some celebrity tributes to inspire the Black Aces to victory. Behold:

	Ace Bailey "Avenge my senseless death, Aces, or the terrorists win"
	Conrad Black "My bunk muffin and I shall certainly be standing behind the Aces HC 110%"
	Ace Frehley "Hey, where the fuckiz my guitar... you hockey fuckers? You better win or I'll kick yer asses, Aces"
	Ace Ventura, Pet Detective "Allllll righty then! Sic em, boys."
	Black Sabbath "Satan and his minions are ready to assist you. With some heavy rock and/or roll"
	Lemmy "Ace of Spades" Kilmeister "Turn it up to 11, lads. And meet me in the bar after the game."
	The Black Stallion "Wwwwwhhhheeeeerrhhhh"
	Cygnus X-1 (Black Hole) "May your opponents be sucked into your crushing gravitational field, never to be seen again"

So there you have it. An inspiring gallery of well-wishers, Aces fans every one of them.

Aces Feign Weakness in 9-4 "Loss"

After a pair of convincing wins in their previous two games, the Black Aces HC decided to play dead for the Wyse Guys this past wednesday. Laying the foundations for the upcoming playoffs, the Aces handed the WGs a 9-4 decision, thereby instilling a false sense of confidence in the red squad and in the Warriors and Battlers (who had left scouts behind to take in the late game). 

With the regular season standings firmly under their control, the Aces squad took their foot off the gas and coasted to non-victory. The post-game chit-chat barely mentioned hockey at all, so unconcerned were the blackshirt players. Friendly non-hockey banter was the order of the day as the Aces sipped on imported beer, answered blackberrys, compared plans for the weekend and kept each other up to date on the latest ski conditions in Utah, Colorado and B.C. All far more important than ruminating on the game, apparently. 

In preparation for the playoffs, key Aces personnel were engaged in important missions away from the rink. Since opposing team players are unlikely to read this blog, we can safely reveal the nature of those missions:

Art W - is in southeast Asia securing a large quantity of bull semen for pre-game injections for all Aces players. This will ensure that our energy levels are always at a high level. Just how Art is securing that bull semen is between him and the bulls, but for now the team motto is "don't ask, don't tell".

Brian M - is on Easter Island on a quest for the lost amulet of M'tahqltzl, said to give those who possess it the strength of 100 men. This is allegedly how the primitive island society was able to carve and erect those enormous stone statues. If Brian fails on that quest, he has been instructed to bring home a large quantity of Chilean sea bass instead. It won't help the team, but it will make for a nice post-game dinner.

Andrew T - is being fitted for a bionic arm to replace the one he lost last week in an unfortunate skate-swinging incident. We will be keeping the old arm on the bench during the playoffs to help handle the gate on line changes.

Joe H - is on a mission to fly some Tibetan prayer flags from Camp 3 on Everest in time for the start of the playoffs. Since the weather on Everest during March is apparently 'challenging', his plan B involves flying 6 pairs of girls' panties from the front flap of his tent. How that helps the team Joe would not say, but we do appreciate the effort.

One more regular season game next week, boys. Don't forget to have your non-hockey conversational topics ready for after the game - there have recently been some unfortunate instances of players bringing up actual game events in the post-game discussion groups. This contravenes the team charter, section 8 paragraph 6ii, "Acceptable Subjects for Post-Game Discussion" which clearly states that 'no player shall mention any play, non-play, instance or occurrence from the game just played' during the apres game cooldown. You have been warned.

Roster Cutbacks Spur Growth in Aces' Bottom Line

Another week, another 8 goal performance. *yawn*.

Despite missing several high profile and highly paid sharpshooters, the Black Aces HC put together their second 'snowman' in a row this week, downing the Bloor Battlers (in their white 'away' jerseys) by a final count of 8 to 1.

Alleged mountain climbing expert Joey 'Himalaya' Himalaya made a surprise appearance and bagged a trio of nice goals in what he swears will be his final appearance of the season. Andrew also potted a pair, and rounding out the scoring were NewBrian, Aubrey and Maurice.

It seems now that the optimal configuration for the Aces is 6 forwards and 3 defense, so any players in excess of these numbers will now be sent home, says team coach and disciplinarian Aubrey S. "We can't have all these extra bodies clogging up the bench and interfering with our new system" he said after the game. "We need to stay lean and agile in order to facilitate proper on-ice networking opportunities and maximize shareholder return."

Rumours are swirling that the team may in fact be forced to cut its workforce further, due to the recent economic downturn. Team accountant and backstop Raj C. would not confirm this, but did say that the club is leaving all options on the table. "We have to do what is necessary to ensure an acceptable ROI" said the goalie "If that means trimming some of the higher profile players from the payroll then we can't rule that out. The pick-and-shovel guys have proven to be extremely effective at providing a positive balance on the scoresheet and we can't afford to ignore that. During these uncertain economic times we have to protect the long-term viability of the franchise by being fiscally prudent, while simultaneously ensuring on-ice success."

Aces' forward Brian M, currently on a luxury tour of Easter Island, was unavailable for comment.

Other Aces' forward Paul F, also currently on a ski vacation in British Columbia, was also unavailable, but probably would have had some smartmouth comment anyway.

Other other Aces' forward Art W, also also currently on vacation in Thailand, would say only (via his agent) that he expects the current labour situation to have a 'happy ending', and that although he has no control over the operation of the team he would be willing to accept 'full release' if it came to that.

Aces Lay a Bleaching on the Warriors

Wednesday February 4th saw the Aces HC return to their first place form as they put a serious hurt on a befuddled Warriors sqaud. After giving up 2 goals in the first minutes of the game, the Blackshirts settled down to some disciplined hockey, storming back with 8 goals before the final buzzer mercifully sounded.

Highlights of the game were the exuberant and creative celebrations the team mounted after each tally. This was a sore point for the losing white team, but the Aces would not be denied. A lovely tip-in by Bruce H in the first period was followed by an end-to-end sprint with a quadruple lutz right in front of the white bench, all the while urinating over their heads and whistling God Save the Queen. Newcomer Brian potted one and surprised his new teammates with a specially made neon sign aimed at the opposing bench. The words 'SUCK IT, BITCHES!' flashed on and off in time with Queen's 'We Are the Champions' as played by a band of circus monkeys. Al H bagged a lovely point shot in the 2nd and celebrated by killing (with a crossbow) and eating a wild boar at centre ice. He had apparently been keeping the boar in his pants the entire game, waiting for his big moment. 

There were many other goals, now lost to the mists of time and poor record-keeping, but the memories of the tasteful celebrations remain: the chorus line of Vegas-style dancing girls in full SS regalia, the flyover by the Snowbirds aerial acrobatic team, and of course who could forget the impromptu ceremony with the Tour de France podium girls, the donkeys and the fire extinguishers? Good times.

This was the final game of the season for team sponsor and debauchery expert Joey Himalaya. Poor Joe is off to Nepal to shepherd a gaggle of teenage runaway girls up to 'base camp' in a heroic and selfless attempt to cure them of their debilitating nymphomania. The Black Aces HC wishes to extend our hearty thanks for the sweaters, and also wishes to remind Joe that we still need a 'stick girl' for next season.

Next game: Feb 11th, 9:30-ish against the Battlers.