Next Stop, Cedarvale

Toronto straphangers were excited this past week to finally see the opening of the York Spadina Subway Extension after years of budget wrangling and construction delays. Not only can subway riders now take the train all the way to Pioneer Village (where the station is finished in period-authentic oak timbers and all TTC employees will wear church bonnets and hoop skirts) but the formerly isolated residents of Vaughan can now finally venture south of Steeles Avenue to fetch potable water, Honda parts and Axe Body Spray.

In a surprise news conference today, Toronto Mayor John Not-Rob-Ford-But-Close Tory and TTC CEO Andy Get-Me-The-Fuck-Outta-Here Byford also announced the opening of a brand new station on the Spadina line between St Clair West and Eglinton West Stations.

Cedarvale Station will open on Wednesday December 20 in time for local hockey team the Black Aces to make their game at Cedarvale Arena on time for a change.

"This fabulous new station will ensure that Pete S will finally be on time for these crucial ice hockey matches" said Tory "We've done the research and listened to the experts and we feel that the $1.2 Billion it cost to build the new station is money well spent. In fact, we anticipate that Aces players who currently bicycle to the games will abandon this quite frankly dangerous mode of transportation in favour of the TTC from now on."

Added Andy Byford, "With the latest impressive 5-3 win by the Black Aces against rivals the Battlers, the timing couldn't be better. We are looking forward to a 6th COTHL title for the team this year."

Where you at, Zamboni Girl?

In addition to the impressive new platform located beneath the Cedarvale Arena, the new station will have a moving sidewalk linking it to Ferro on St Clair. The sidewalk will only be open on Wednesday nights, as per cost-cutting measures introduced by the TTC five minutes after the news conference.

"Unfortunately these new measures and the additional expense of adding the Cedarvale station means that the Scarborough Subway Extension will have to be, er,  altered ... somewhat" said Byford "Instead of extending to the Scarborough Town Centre  as originally planned, the new line will end at the Knob Hill Plaza on Eglinton Avenue, approximately 850 metres from Kennedy Station. It will however be conveniently close to Caddy's Gentleman's Club, so we feel that this is a win-win for everyone."

New final stop of the Scarborough Subway Extension

Doug Ford was unavailable for comment.

Smells Like... Victory

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces have reportedly signed a multi-million dollar merchandising deal with DudeBroNapalm Industries after going on an impressive winning streak at their most recent COTHL game. Industry analysts were caught off-guard by the size and speed of the deal, but DudeBroNapalm spokesbro Austin Ferrari oozed confidence at the company's news conference after the game.

"We are pleased to announce that DudeBroNapalm Industries Inc. has signed the biggest deal in its corporate history tonight. With their astonishing 8-1 win over the Warriors, the Black Aces are now without a doubt the most exciting and testosterone-drenched team in hockey history."

Ferrari went on to sketch out details of a multi-year deal that will see the Aces endorse a wide range of products beginning with Smells Like Victory cologne.

"We at DudeBroNapalm are confident that this cologne will soon be taking the world by storm. Smells Like Victory is the perfect cologne for the man who wants to smell like a combination of gunpowder, ball sweat and cheap cigars. We think it's the perfect kickoff product for the Aces."

"Every bottle", said Ferrari, "will bear the name of each of the goal-scorers from the Aces' 8-1 pounding of the Warriors, a game that will surely go down in history as the turning point of the team's 6th straight league championship season: James D (2), Pete S (2), Simon C, Al H, Martin L, and Joe D. These men shall be immortalized, as is only fitting."

Other products currently in development include:

• SmooveGroove Butt-crack and Mustache Wax
• A line of Zamboni Girl -approved tramp stamp tattoo templates
• Six6Six Breakfast Cereal - little dark chocolate "6"s  covered in honey and icing sugar and dried in the draught foam of Old Speckled Hen ale. Not for sale to minors.

Watch for the multimedia blitz by DudeBroNapalm Industries and talk to your broker about buying stock. This is going to be huge. 

It's gonna be HUGE

Words of Advice from Across the Ages

Dear Aces, get your shit together.

After finishing atop the COTHL for five straight seasons, local ice hockey team the Black Aces are not having a great year. This much is certain. In an attempt to turn things around, Aces spiritual and human resources advisor Aubrey S has gone to great lengths to consult with revered wise men from across the span of human history. How has he done this? you ask. How can he speak with sages and magi from eras past? Aubrey has an iPhone X.

This week Aubrey and his iPhone sit down with Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher and big man of the 6th century BC to talk strategy for the rest of the COTHL season. This interview will appear on the next edition of the Aces podcast, “Men in Black”. We get a sneak preview here tonight.

Aubrey: Lao, dude, great to see you. Welcome to the podcast.

Lao Tzu: Thanks bro, great to be here. Wherever this is.

Aubrey: We call it Toronto, but let’s get right down to business. The Aces… going for a 6th straight season of excellence in the COTHL. Not looking so good though. Have you been following?

Lao Tzu: I have, and I'll tell you something Aubrey, if you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

Aubrey: Whoa. That’s deep, yo. So we should just let go and not worry about winning #6, and let it happen? Did i get that right?

Lao Tzu: I'll just say that a good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

Aubrey: Uhhh, okay then, moving on. Let’s talk about scoring. Any advice for the guys to help them get back on track here?

Lao Tzu: I've always said that if you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Aubrey: Right! Drive the net. Got it. What about some wise words for the Aces D?

Lao Tzu: You know something dude, when the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves.'

Aubrey: I get it - the D should just do their job and let the forwards think it was them the whole time. Which they would anyway, amirite? You are so wise, Lao Tzu. You should write a book. So what about the first half of the season - how can the Aces put that behind them and focus on the finish?

Lao Tzu: I've always said it is better to do one's own duty, however defective it may be, than to follow the duty of another, however well one may perform it. He who does his duty as his own nature reveals it, never sins.

Aubrey: So we should try harder to play our fucking positions, is that it? that’s it, isn’t it. ?

Lao Tzu: He who knows himself is enlightened.

Aubrey: Sounds like this interview is over. Thanks for dropping by, man. We’ll see if your wise words have an effect on the Black Aces HC.

That about wraps it, folks. Wisdom and sage albeit cryptic advice from an ancient Chinese philosopher to put the team back on track. Let’s see if it helps. Last week’s 6-2 loss to the Wyse Guys (goals by Bruce and Rich) could be the last one of the season, who knows?