The Playoff Drive Begins

Now that the warmest February on record is almost over, local hockey team the Black Aces are turning their collective attention to their annual gruelling playoff run. Temperatures over the last 10 days have been well above normal, ensuring less than acceptable conditions on ski hills within a 500km radius. This has freed up the Aces to devote the 78% of their brains normally reserved for skiing to thinking about other things. Like hockey.

"It's true" said team telemarketer Rich W "Now that the snow is gone I find myself thinking less about carving turns through pristine powder above the treeline and more about how we're going to get through this insane playoff drive."

The Aces improved their chances of going to the dance for a 5th consecutive year by eeking out a 4-3 win over a troublesome Warriors squad in their most recent game. A last-minute goal by Ralph (his 2nd of the game and 14th goal in the last 3) sealed the deal, with Pete S potting the other 2 Aces goals.

Other Aces are also getting mentally and physically prepped for the dash to the post-season, a COTHL ritual that sees only 4 teams make it through to the playoffs.

Team birdcaller Paul M has decided to go all-out this year to make sure he's in peak physical condition for the big show. "Not only am I riding my bike to games with my equipment towed behind me, I'll be towing the entire team's equipment as well" said Paul. "All week long, not just on game day. My family won't let me in the house because of the smell, but it's all worth it."

To ensure success if and when the team makes the post-season, team yodelling instructor Ralph R has initiated a strict diet for the rest of the season. "I only had 6 beers last night" said Ralph as he fidgeted with his hands "6! You want dedication, there you go. The playoffs can't come soon enough, y'ask me."

The rest of the team is following the general guidelines laid down in ancient times by a 31-year-old Aubrey, now the spiritual leader of the team and facing off-season surgery to replace every joint and muscle in his body. Written on sheepskin using the blood of a mastodon, the list is a simple "do more" versus "do less" affair, so that even beer league hockey players can understand it. Here it is:

Cedarvale Massacre

You there, Joe Trudeau. What is your question?

With mainstream media outlets in disarray due to the unprecedented attacks on them as ‘fake’ by US President Donald Trump and his White House staff, your intrepid Black Aces reporter was able to slip into last week’s press conference on the strength of nothing more than a red baseball cap and a Make America Great Again T-shirt. An excerpt of his exchange with the president, which somehow was not televised, is below.

Intrepid Aces Reporter

"Mr President are you aware of the terrible events of last night in Toronto Canada?"

Donald J Trump

(squints into the lights)

"Is that you Joe? I mean Mister Prime Minister? Tremendous to see you again."

IAR

"No Mr President, I’m a reporter with the Black - er, White Aces Network in Toronto Canada. Canadian media are not reporting on the Cedarvale Massacre, which definitely did occur last night in Toronto and is in no way a made up thing."

DJT

"Are all you Canadians so amazingly handsome? Isn't he handsome, ladies and gentlemen? Tremendous. No, handsome Canadian man, I was not aware of this. Spice!! "

A worried-looking Sean Spicer runs out to the podium and confers off-mic with the president. Trump nods sagely, juts his chin in a presidential manner.

DJT

"I’ve just been told that we have our best people on it already. We have the very best people, as you know, the very very best. Fine-tuned machine. But why don’t you give us some details for the benefit of the New York Times and those other fakey-fake news outlets back there behind you. Maybe they can learn something, but I doubt it."

IAR

"Mister President sir, details are sketchy but it appears that the Black Aces deliberately destroyed the Bloor Battlers, who were wearing their white away sweaters at the time, by a score of 5-2 at Cedarvale Arena. It’s being referred to as the Cedarvale Massacre, but the CBC and other mainstream liberal Canadian media are refusing to cover the story."

Trump pauses to consider this sentence, which appears to have taken him by surprise.

DJT

"What colour did you say these Aces were?"

IAR

"Black, sir. The Black Aces. Against battlers in white. 2 goals for Bruce, 2 for Ralph, and one for Rich. Officials tried to stop the slaughter by calling unwarranted penalties but in the end it was no use. The Black Shirts could not be turned aside."

DJT

"We must stop all immigration from Canada immediately until we know what’s going on. I’ll be signing a new executive order first thing in the morning. We have to do it, people, black aces are pouring over the border, invading our defensive zones and terrorizing our people.

No more questions, thank you."

этот человек безумен

Context: DONALD TRUMP’S ALTERNATIVE-REALITY PRESS CONFERENCE

Aces Post a Loss

Local hockey team the Black Aces enjoyed a less than stellar outing in their most recent game, another disappointing loss to a non-threatening Warriors squad. This time the blackshirts fell by a score of 2-1 in spite of seeing more than enough chances around (but not IN) the net.

How did they manage to not outscore the Warriors this time? If you look closely you will find a hidden clue somewhere on this page. Go ahead, I'll wait. And while you hunt for the clue I'll just go back to watching my second favourite Italian movie of all time (after I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore of course) Il Postino. Magnificent work, really.

Oh, are you back? Did you find the clue? That's right, they played like a bunch of pussies. Well done.

On a happier note, the fine people at Ferro kept the kitchen open and prepared some delicious pizzas for the Aces' post-game meal.

Onward. The playoffs loom, and we want to go into the post-season on a high note.

I hope you enjoyed this week's post.

I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore

Film Development Proposal - Telefilm Canada

Ti amo Maria, ma il mio cuore è per le assi

To: Vaness Manco, Ontario region application officer
From: Enrico Wardoni, Assi Neri Produzioni

Ciao Vanessa,

Please accept the attached documentation as our application for Telefilm Canada Canadian Media Fund development funds for for our new Canadian-Italian co-production “I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore”.

This project will be a short pseudo-documentary film shot in the style of Michelangelo Antonioni, the great Italian filmmaker of the 1960s. Think L’Avventura on ice - people (in this case, local Toronto hockey team the Black Aces) search for… what? Love? Victory? Some meaning to their lives? The answer is never revealed. Our documentary crew follows the Aces as they struggle to prevail in the ultra-competitive COTHL. Stark black and white photography emphasizes the blackness of their quest, while paradoxically revealing the non-binary nature of reality itself.

While presented in the style of a documentary, we will actually be re-creating scenes from the team’s history in order to ensure artistic integrity and quality. This will include the team’s latest game, a hard-fought 4-4 tie with league-leading Wyse Guys that saw them pull the goalie in the last minute to bang home the tying goal. Another 2 goals came from hot-streaking Ralph, plus singles from Pete T and Mark (the aforementioned tying goal).

Assi Neri Produzioni is seeking 120 million dollars to complete this 20 minute film, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a fair price for such an important work of art. A complete line-by-line production costs estimate is attached, but some highlights include:

• $55 million for recreating the entire Phil White Arena in our Italian production facilities in Milano
• $23 million for the construction of a custom Zamboni ice-cleaning machine by the Ferrari design team
• $13 million to hire Italian actress Monica Bellucci to play the key role of Zamboni Girl
• $2.4 million for the recreation of Ferro’s restaurant, which must be located at our production facility in Milano in order to ensure that the kitchen remain open and operational during the shoot
• $1.6 million for beer

Meet the new Zamboni Girl

Ms Manco I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience, and I look forward to working with Telefilm Canada to bring this incredible film to the public.

Ciao!

Enrico Wardoni
Consulente Senior di Produzione
Assi Neri Produzioni