Black Aces Boyfriend

I love you, man

Dear Diary,

I finally found a new job! After months of searching I landed a great gig as a zamboni driver at a rink down in Toronto of all places. It will be a big change from my life here in South Porcupine but I'm ready to make the move. I start next week, so I'd better get packing.

Dear Diary,

Life here in Toronto sure is different than back home. There are WAY more people on Tinder, to start with, so I'm getting all kinds of nasty action with all kinds of dudes whenever I like. No more luring sled dogs for this gal! I start my zamboni gig tomorrow, so I've been looking up videos on Youtube to figure out how to actually drive the thing. How hard can it be? My boss will never know I lied on my application or that the South Porcupine Arena 'zamboni' is just a snow shovel with wet towel duct taped to it. I got this.

Dear Diary,

First day of work at [redacted] Arena. Turns out the arena assistant manager is some guy I hooked up with off Tinder last week, so that's gonna be awkward. Maybe I shouldn't have gone all Full Blumpkin on him, in hindsight. Also, the zamboni is a bit trickier to drive than I expected, especially in the parking lot. I'm pretty sure I clipped somebody's Range Rover when I was out dumping snow but I just drove back into the arena as fast as I could before anyone saw me.

Dear Diary,

Hockey players are so cute. Everyone in Toronto is, actually. Even though I was Miss South Porcupine 3 years running I feel kind of plain here compared to everyone else. I never noticed how yellow and crooked my teeth were before, and I'm wondering if maybe I should try to cover up my butt crack more.

Dear Diary,

I met the cutest guy, and not even on Tinder. His name is [redacted] and he plays for this team the Black Aces. I was bleeding the lines on the zamboni when he just walked into the service bay and grabbed my ass. Hard. Things escalated quickly and let's just say I wasn't worried about covering up my butt crack for a good 3 minutes at least.  That was 2 days ago and now he's all i can think about. Am I in love? I'm so confused. Life with the sled dogs was a lot easier.

Dear Diary,

That cute guy from the Black Aces is avoiding me, I know it. Why did I let him do those terrible things to me? Oh who am I kidding? Because he was gorgeous, that's why. I was so messed up tonight that I totally forgot to watch the water flow meter on the zamboni and laid down 3 inches of water over the entire ice. Damn him. I should have at least asked him his name.

Dear Diary,

I'v been fired. The manager says it's because I keep messing up the ice floods, which is kind of true since I'm constantly checking my phone to see if that Black Aces dude is texting me (he's not) and it's hard to drive and check the phone at the same time. I think the real reason is because the assistant manager is jealous of my new Black Aces boyfriend in spite of all the handies I've been giving him at lunch and break time. Jerk. Ha ha, see what i did there?

Dear Diary,

I'm back in South Porcupine again, but thanks to the spycam i installed at the arena I can still keep tabs on my Black Aces boyfriend. His team won 9-1 last night against the white team (Warriors?). He didn't get any goals but after watching them play so often I know all their numbers and names now. Here's the breakdown:

Mark 3
Mike 2
Bruce 2
Ralph 1
Pete S 1

Plus they have another new goalie again. Never seen him before but he played pretty good. He looks cute too... I wonder if he's on Tinder.

Ace Holes Win

It was a different Black Aces Hockey Club that showed up for their most recent COTHL game against the Battlers this week. Normally the Aces are world-renowned for their gentlemanliness, their generosity and their outstanding sense of fair play. And good looks, of course. So it was a shocked Battlers squad that faced off against a team who played like, well, like a bunch of Ace Holes.

Taking a record 45 minor penalties during the course of the game, the blackshirts repeatedly hacked, tripped, elbowed and cross-checked their way to a 4-3 win.

“I thought the Aces were nice guys, but I guess not” said Battlers centre Blake McWhinybaby “They were really mean.”

Even refs Donny and Les were surprised. “Normally I just call stuff randomly regardless of what actually happens on the ice” said Donny after the game “But tonight I just called the penalties as they occurred. Which was often.”

Not that there was no actual hockey played. Backstopped by Guest Goalie John, the Aces were ahead for the whole game and held the balance of play for most of the night.

“We tried to give it away, we really did” said team watercolourist Mark L “but even playing the entire 3rd period short handed wasn’t enough.”

"No comment"

The change in attitude has brought attention to the team from some unexpected quarters. Rumours are flying that showbiz blowhard and self-professed Biggest Asshole in America Donald Trump is interested in buying the team and creating a reality TV show about them. “The Aces are fantastic” said Trump “but I can’t confirm that I’ll be moving them to Atlantic City and building a show around them, or that I’ll be hiring Bobby Clark and Rob Ford to coach them, or that they’ll be playing in the Ladies Lingerie League. I can’t confirm any of that.”

"No  comment"

"No comment"

The Aces scorers: Ralph McNasty, Mark DeBastard, Mike McDirtyman and special guest Paul L’Animal.

Aces Win, Hell Freezes Over

Local hockey team the Black Aces found themselves on the right end of a 6-4 score in their most recent outing, putting them back into the win column again.

The effects were immediate:

1. two more points in the kitty
2. a 25 degree drop in ambient air temperature.

Welcome to Hell

That’s right, Hell has frozen over. Team meteorologist Mike K explains:

“A massive arctic air mass of record-breaking proportions somehow, without warning, swooped down over the eastern half of North America, leaving the Aces’ home town approximately 25 degrees below normal temperature.” said Mike “In professional terms, it is now cold enough to freeze the nuts off a steel bridge.”

Environment Canada experts are unable to explain the sudden freeze in terms of normal atmospheric patterns, but long-time followers of COTHL results knew right away that an Aces win might be the reason for the anomaly. "I love the Aces" said former team mate and professional gardener Paul F "but they were not trending in a positive direction this season. This win was just too much of a shock to the planetary system, I guess. It's okay though, I'll just put on an extra sweater."

In spite of the mind-numbing cold snap, the Aces are looking forward to continuing their win ‘streak’ as they take aim at a playoff spot.

“I lost 3 fingers to frostbite on the way to work today” said team concert pianist Rod P “But do I give a fuck? No. No fucks given, as long the team keeps winning. Bring on the cold.”

Mr P could get his wish, as the forecast for the next few days is for an arctic tropopause dipping through the midwest CONUS, resulting in the coldest February air in decades. If this forecast is to be believed, then things could be looking up for the Aces.

Game Details

Aces 6, Warriors 4

Aubrey 2
Mark 2
Ralph 1
Mike 1

Aces Exhibit Self-Organizing Behaviour in Latest Game

Aces bench

Readers of this blog are of course familiar with the theory of self-organization, whereby disordered systems, given enough time, will eventually spontaneously evolve towards behaviours that are organized in nature. Think of swarms of birds, or schools of fish, or the cellular automata theories made popular by Stephen Wolfram in his epic A New Kind of Science.

So it should come as no surprise that in their most recent game, the formerly dis-organized Black Aces suddenly and without warning began to show signs of self-organization. Passes were completed, goals were scored, and the final result was a 4-2 win over the Battlers, their first since 2014.

Team entomologist Pete T likened it to an ant colony. "Ants on their own are not very bright" said Pete after the game "But as a whole they can organize themselves into very effective machines. I believe that is what happened tonight. The Aces played like ants. I believe this has something to do with the fact that we were able to ice a critical mass of players, which we have not done for some time."

Team historian and recently returned elder statesman Rich W. had a different idea, however.

"The Battlers missed almost every chance they had" said Rich "Open nets, goalmouth scrambles, shooting at the goalie - they did it all. If they had scored on half their chances the game would have been different. All that math stuff is bullshit."

No matter which theory you subscribe to, the end result is the same and it looks like the blackshirts may be back on track after several weeks in the wednesday night wilderness.

Goal scorers: Mark, Bruce, Rich and Pete.