Signs of life

It's Alive!!!!

After a winter season that has so far been what team phrenologist Mike K. described as "slightly catatonic, verging on death-like", the Black Aces may be showing faint signs of life.

Losers of their past several games, the newly-sweatered Aces club seemed headed for another check mark in the Loss column last week. The 3rd period saw the schwartzenmen down 3-0 to the veissguys (the Warriors), and the mood on the bench was... pensive. It had not been a great game. Weird bounces that favoured the opposition combined with some truly disorganized play at both ends of the ice meant that backup goaltender Pete T was kept busy keeping the game close.

It was up to sharpshooter and team llama groomer Mark L to get the ball rolling, which he did with a nice wrist shot past a sleeping Warriors netminder. Team scribe and defender Jeff M scored a rare goal after walking in from the point to cut the lead to one, and in the dying minutes of the game, with the Aces looking more and more like something faintly resembling a hockey team, Ralph R showed off some soft hands at the net and lifted one coolly over the Warriors goalie. The comeback was complete.

Let's hope that waiting until the end of the game to come to life doesn't become a habit, but if it does, it's at least better than waiting until the end of the game to stay dead.

Author's note: As a gesture of solidarity with this new approach I have waited until the end of the week to publish this blog post.

New Sweaters Spur Aces to Victory, or Something. Eventually.

Local hockey team the Black Aces ushered in a new era during their last game, retiring their previous venerable sweater and adopting a new look courtesy of power forward and Successful Businessman Rod P, whose company Zing-Bias Media apparently controls the Internets.

So long, Aces.

Aces players wept openly as they bid farewell to the classic sweater of old, with its proud logo and high-quality construction and 2 league championships woven into its very fabric. Songs of praise were sung in honour of teammate and former sponsor Joe P. and the awesome Himalayan Expeditions. Visit HimalayanExpeditions.com for all your epic mountaineering needs.

The new sweaters sport a clean and classic logo embossed into the blackest of black cloth. Sturdy and durable, these new shirts are sure to spur the team to yet more victories, more glory, and more tales of total domination of their COTHL opponents. Just to ensure the future success of the team, the sweaters have been pre-washed in water blessed by a Serbian priest and imported from the Caucasus ice fields in ancient oak barrels. The ink is made from the black roe of the rare and endangered Omul fish found only in the icy depths of Lake Baikal in Russia. The threads are the same carbon nano-fibre found in the interior cabin stitching of the Pagani Zonda, and the crest and numbers are made from a just-discovered isotope of titanium that provides bullet-proof strength combined with a fine silvery sheen.

Hello, Aces.

Of course only the best of the best are suited to don such fine sporting garments. Only a team that say, had not lost it's 5 most recent games, or that would not go down 5-1 to a team wearing inferior red sweaters. A team that could with confidence ice all of its players on any given night.

Right?

Bear Like Me: A Forest Story

Once upon a time there was a bear. A Black Bear. In the warm summer months the Black Bear spent his time doing summer Black Bear things, like eating berries or fishing with his bear friends and having a generally good time in the forest.

All the other forest animals knew better than to fuck with the Black Bear because if they did, it would not go well for them. The Blue Jay stayed high in the trees and would not eat any berries from the Black Bear's favourite bushes. The Red Squirrel would scurry away and hide his nuts when he saw the Black Bear coming. And the White Rabbit would gather up all her White Rabbit babies and shoo them into her White Rabbit house (actually just a hole in the ground) when the Black Bear was in the neighbourhood.

The other forest animals all liked the winter, even though it was cold and snowy, because the Black Bear was nowhere to be found. They didn't know where he went and they didn't care. They were just glad he was gone.

One February day after many weeks of Black Bear-free living, the Red Squirrel was digging in the snow for old acorns and nuts to eat when he came across a large dark hole in the side of a hill. To his amazement the Black Bear was inside the hole, sleeping soundly. Red Squirrel pulled out his phone and texted his friend the Blue Jay: "Ur not going 2 believe this shit. I found Blk Bear. In a hole. Sleeping. Get over here now, yo. Peace."

In a few minutes the Blue Jay swooped down and landed beside the Red Squirrel.

"Damn. That's him alright. Call the White Rabbit. It's payback time."

For the next 2 weeks the Red Squirrel, the Blue Jay and the White Rabbit poked the sleeping Black Bear with sticks, threw acorns and snowballs at him, and drew obscene pictures on his fur with white bird poop. They took selfies while giving the Black Bear the finger. The Black Bear slept through it all, dreaming of skiing in the Rockies, surfing in Mexico, and bike-riding in Amsterdam.

One day the Blue Jay, the Red Squirrel and the White Rabbit were standing around the Black Bear trying to decide what they should do to him next. Suddenly the Black Bear woke up and ripped all their little heads off with one swipe of his powerful Black Bear paw.

The End.