Battlers Allege Inappropriate Touching

"It was his stick"

After their most recent game against COTHL rivals the Black Aces, the Bloor Street Battlers are contending that several of their players were touched in an aggressive and wholly inappropriate manner by Aces defenseman James D. These instances, the Battlers allege, happened over a period of several games but came to a head in the 3rd period of their 1-1 tie on January 24.

"I went into the corner in the Aces end, and all of a sudden I felt something hard between my legs... it was his stick..." said a visibly distraught Battlers winger (names are being withheld to protect identities). "I was so angry, but I couldn't say anything because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Les wasn't watching the play, and it all happened so fast."

Other Battlers are also alleging similar incidents in past games. "It's always him, always the same guy" sobbed another Battlers forward "It feels good to finally get this out in the open. He's so mean!"

Rumours about James' play have apparently been circulating for years, but until now no one has come forward with any specific allegations. Even the Aces themselves may have been aware but did nothing about it, choosing instead to defend their teammate.

"Sure he plays a little rough sometimes, but that's just James" said teammate Pete T. "And besides, those Battlers were asking for it. They knew what they were getting into."

"I have no idea what those guys are talking about" said James after the game. "My intentions are always honourable, but if my opponents have somehow misinterpreted my actions then I'm sorry for that."

The Aces continue to show signs of improvement, though their chances at another President's Cup have long since evaporated. A solid game in the nets by veteran John M and some good positional play by everyone else kept the blackshirts competitive for 3 periods. A nice play between Rich W and Bruce H for the Aces' lone goal proved once again that the older generation can still get it up.

Aces Reconfigure

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces seem to have found the key to success in their most recent contest, defeating a frustrated Warriors squad 4-1 in what fans (departing COTHL early-gamers and someone known only as Zamboni Boy) later described as ‘a hockey game’.

How did the Aces pull off a win? They reconfigured. Team Strategist and Evil Mastermind Rich W had the Blackshirts playing a 1-2-2 configuration all game. For the ignorant, a 1-2-2 means one guy on the forecheck, then 2 guys a little farther out waiting to cut off an outlet pass, backed up by 2 more guys in behind. It worked a treat, as the Warriors were unable to get anything going. 

Past Aces configurations were less successful so it’s good news that the team has finally figured things out. Some of the Aces’ previous less successful alignments: 

The 5-0-0

All players rush the offensive zone, allowing the opposing team to lift a pass over everyone’s heads, usually leading to a 3 on 0 breakaway.

The 3-2-0 

All forwards converge behind the enemy net to discuss ski conditions and post-game beer selection. This usually leads to a 3 on 2 for the opposing team.

The 2-2-2

Too many men on the ice. Immediately followed by the 2-2-0. 

The 1-3-1

A terrible line change. 

The 4-20

All players are way too high to be effective, with predictable results. 

The 8675309

Zamboni Girl’s phone number, it’s rumoured. Nothing to do with hockey at all.

The 6.0221415 × 10^23

Overly complicated lineup devised by Amadeo Avagadro, the Aces first coach back in 1838. Back then the team was known as the Black Moles, and didn’t win a game all year.

The 3.14159

All players skate in circles. Popular but not too effective.

Let’s hope the team can configure some more wins this year. 

Goal scorers:  2 for Pete S, one each for Al and sometime D-man Joe 2N. 

Justin Trudeau Cancels Appearance with Black Aces

Sorry guys, I just can't do it

In a last-minute decision, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that he was cancelling a scheduled appearance with local hockey team the Black Aces this week. The announcement came on the heels of another loss by the squad (4-1 to the wyse guys this time), although Trudeau's communications advisor denied that the loss had anything to do with the decision.

"The fact that the team is playing under .500 this year did not influence the Prime Minister's decision" said spokes person Wendy McDonald "He has a number of different offers for appearances, several of which were determined to be - and I know this may come as a shock - of higher priority than an appearance with a little-known men's hockey team."

What were these offers? You might well ask. Well, gentle reader, your faithful scribe has called in some favours and secured the PM's itinerary for the next several weeks. This is what is on tap for wednesdays during that period:

January 17: Donwood Park Public School Parent-Teacher night in Scarborough Ontario. JT will be on hand to take selfies with the moms, and take part in an arm-wrestling competition with Mr. Hiley's 6th grade class.

January 24: Brittny O'Donnel's 16th birthday party planning session, with Brittny and her mom Janice. The party isn't until June 12th...  2021.

January 31: Netflix and Chill with Sophie.

February 7: Private reception at the Pallisades Retirement Residence in Point Renfrew NL, where JT will preside over the weekly bingo game, calling out numbers and taking selfies with the ladies.

February 14: Laundry. So much laundry.

Febrary 21: An appearance at karaoke night at Bud's Brewery in Parksville BC. JT has been working on a very special version of Careless Whispers by WHAM! and is anxious to debut it at Bud's.

And it carries on like this for several more weeks. By the time the PM's schedule opens up, the Aces will be on the golf course or at their annual post-season un-training camp in Bayfield.

The team will have to soldier onwards without the power and inspiration of a carefully scripted, camera-friendly visit from Canada's Prime Minister. Team management is rumoured to be working on a special pre-game pep talk by businessman and sometime politician Doug Ford, but this could not be confirmed at press time.

I'm available! Folks!