Aces Prepare to Make History

They say history repeats itself, and local hockey team the Black Aces are hoping that’s true as they prepare for a history-making 5th straight championship in the venerable COTHL. After decisively downing a befuddled Battlers team 3-0 in the semi-finals, the blackshirts will face a surging Warriors squad in 2 weeks time. The coveted CO Cup is the prize, and the Aces are ready.

But are they ready enough? The only way to be sure is to implement a battle-tested pre-game readiness program in the fortnight leading up to the final game. Team tailor and sometime bench boss Rod P explains:

“This is the same regime that all the professional European football teams follow during the World Cup” said Rod after the semi-final win. “With one or two modifications.”

After pulling a half-full bottle of Slivovitz from somewhere inside his coat and enjoying a nice pull from it, he continued - 

“Rule number one: no sexual intercourse during the 2 weeks before the big game. Very important. This saps the primal energy from the root chakra, and leaves a man weak and unable to back check. So no nookie, snu-snu, or sweet sweet lovemaking with the wife or girlfriend, Aces. 

“However… I do have a short list of approved activities that should help the team stay focused and prepare for the final game. 

“It’s important to stay relaxed, so trips to the spa are encouraged. I recommend the Sugar Moon 24 Hour spa on the Danforth, in particular the Gentleman’s Special. Ask for Trish and mention my name.

“Getting your hair done is also a great idea. I recommend the Gentleman’s Brazilian at my favourite salon, Dewy Scrotum and Howe on Richmond Street. Ask for Vito and mention my name for a nice discount.

“To keep your energy up, coffee is allowed. I recommend the Gentleman’s Latte at Starf*cks, which is a little place in Parkdale that has always treated me right. Ask for Gina and mention my name for some extra foam.

“Us mature players have to pay extra attention to staying limber and flexible, so I want everyone to check out Foxxxy’s Hott Yoga Studio on Airport Road. The Gentleman’s Introductory class is worth your time, just ask for Moon and mention my name for a very special Downward Dog.

“Cars are important to us, and your car should look its best when you pull into Phil White on the 22nd. I recommend the Gentleman’s Wax & Wash at Lady Sudsalot Topless Car Wash at Kennedy and Eglinton. Ask for Julie and mention my name for some extra attention to the gear shift.

“And finally, gentlemen, why not curl up with a good book? I’m offering the Aces access to my personal collection of vintage Playboys. Just come on by and ask for Rod.”

Aces Allege Wiretap Scheme

In a statement some sources are calling ‘shocking’, ‘groundbreaking’ and ‘baffling’, local ice hockey team the Black Aces alleged this week that they had been the targets of a sustained wiretap operation from their COTHL rivals during the 2016-2017 regular season.

Team President Aubrey tweeted: “I'd bet a good lawyer could make a great case out of the fact that the Warriors were tapping our phones in October, just prior to Hallowe’en!”

Aces cybersecurity expert Mike K explains: “We know they did it. Those other teams are either sick or very bad men.” When pressed for evidence, Mr K would only say “Shut up! No, YOU’RE stupid!” and then held his breath until reporters backed away. 

Although the Aces could produce no evidence of a wiretap, your intrepid reporter has connections. Deep sources in the COTHL underground have in fact confirmed that the illegal wiretaps did take place, and have even provided the following transcript of a conversation between top officials from the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors as they played back one of the tapes. How did this transcript come to be? A wiretap, of course.

Voice 1: Ok, roll the tape. 

[sound of cheap tape recorder play button being pressed, followed by garbled and distorted conversation between 10-12 voices at once] 

Voice 1: What the heck are they talking about? Can anyone make this out? The sound quality is terrible.

Voice 2: We hid the microphone inside Goalie's pads, maybe that's why.

Voice 3: You mean John? 

Voice 2: No, Goalie. Who's John?

Voice 1: It sounded like someone said ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 3: No, I thought he said ‘forecheck Bill: go’. That makes more sense. 

Voice 1: I could swear I heard ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 2: Shut up! Listen to the tape! There’s no such thing as a forehead dildo.

[more jumbled voices mixed with the sound of laughter and opening beer cans]

Voice 2: Zamboni world? Zamboni swirl? Have they done something to the zamboni? We gotta check that out, boys. Have someone get down to Phil White and shake down that zamboni driver.

Voice 3: Now they’re speaking Italian… Carmelo… Amore… Fungi… it sounds like they’re involved with the mafia, you guys. They’re gonna know we bugged their room! We are so dead! I knew this was a bad idea. 

[sound of someone hyperventilating into a paper bag]

Voice 1: Shhh! Listen... Fernie... Big White... Bucerias... none of this makes any sense. Are you sure we bugged the right team? They're not even talking about hockey.

Voice 2: Hey, why is there an ear-shaped pinata hanging from the ceiling? Get me my stick.

[muffled crash]  

At this point our counter-wiretap recording goes dead. Also there will be an additonal $50 charger per player this year to cover the cost of a new spy microphone and an ear-shaped pinata. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces wrapped up a semi-successful season with a 4-2 win over the Battlers. Two goals for Joe 2Names, 1 each for Mark and Pete S.