Not all bad news

Somewhere out there in space is a chunk of rock heading for the Earth that is just big enough to wipe out all life on the planet. While we wait for that to happen, let's review a few events from the past week, in no particular order:

1.  US President Trump continues his descent into madness, banning travellers from 7 Muslim countries from entering the United States. Chaos ensues.
2. Some piece of shit in Quebec opened fire on a mosque, killing 6 people.
3. Massive ice storm in New Brunswick.
4. Spring break in January is over, winter is back.
5. Kevin O'Leary and Kellie Leithch are serious about running for PC Party Leadership.
6. The guy who invented Pac Man died.
7. Scientists have moved the 'Doomsday Clock' the closest to midnight it's been since the 1950s.
8. Artificial intelligence seems like a good idea.
9. Starbucks promises to hire refugees, Trump supporters say they'll boycott Starbucks.
10. Aces defeat Battlers, 4-3. Great game from Ralph with the hattie, plus a single from Pete T. There was almost enough beer to go around after the game. 

See, it's not all bad news.


Also, there's this:

Aces Will Not Attend Inauguration

Incredible game, Aces. Unbelievable.

Local hockey legends the Black Aces have confirmed that they will not be attending the upcoming inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States. The Aces join a long list of celebrities and VIPs who have decided to give the event a miss.

Team communications director Aubrey S explains: "Trump's people must have heard about our latest game" he said "KellyAnn Conway herself tweeted at me about bringing the Aces down to DC for the inauguration, but after talking to the guys I had to tell her we'd be a no-show."

The game in question was a thrilling 2-1 victory over this year's COTHL "it" team, the Wyse Guys. The blackshirts fell by a wide margin in their previous matchup, so the victory this time around was sweet.

"We built a wall and made the Wyse Guys pay for it" said Aces defensive coordinator Al H after the game. "So maybe the Donald thought we were sympatico with his foreign policy approach, I'm not sure."

Goals came from Ralph and Joe 2 Names, and the entire team stuck to the game plan of "don't let their number one guy have the puck". It seemed to work. So well in fact that it secured them an invitation to the presidential inauguration on January 20.

"I only want winners at my crowning" said an orange-hued Trump when reached by your intrepid Aces reporter and scribe "and the Aces are winners. Every one of them. Believe me. This isn't over yet."

The Aces' next game is against perennial whipping boys the Warriors. Presumably the President Elect will be paying close attention.

Dear SantaCo

Dear SantaCo.,

Thank you so much for bringing me the cool Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set for Christmas this year! It was exactly what I wanted, and I was very excited when I finally unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Mom and Dad said you would know what I wanted, and I guess they were right.

At first everything looked perfect. All the defensemen were in the package, and it even included the Marksman Mark^® Scoring Unit. My friend Bob has the Battlers set and he’s always bragging about how great it is, but he’s a dick so of course I really wanted to beat him bad.

The 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 editions were all really great, everyone knows that. So that’s why I wanted this latest edition for 2017.

I’m writing you a letter because I think there’s something wrong with my set. When I put them on the ice, something looked not quite right. The D was terrible, the Army John^® Goalie Unit missed a bunch of shots, and most of the time the forwards just skated around in circles. Two of the forwards even had skis instead of skates, so they were totally useless.

I don’t want to return the Aces but if dickhead Bob and the Battlers beat me one more time I’m shipping the whole box back to you, Santa.

Please tell me what to do.

Your friend,

Little Jimmy in Toronto


Dear Little Jimmy,

Santa is on vacation in Maui right now, so as head of Customer Service I’m authorized to respond on Santa’s behalf.

I am so sorry to hear about the defective Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set, please accept my and Santa's deepest apologies for this terrible situation. We take our toys very seriously here at SantaCo^®, and we’re prepared to make things right for you.

To that end, I have included along with this letter a one pound bag of medical-grade marijuana grown by some very special elves right here in the world famous North Pole Grow Op. We call this blend “Hyper Drive”. It’s given a light dusting of Adderall just before we ship it, and if you put it in the box with your Aces and then just give it a shake, it will really help them focus the next time you put them on the ice.

Good luck Little Jimmy.

Ron Donaldson

SantaCo Customer Service Dept.

www.santaco.com

PS – Do not, I repeat, do NOT under any circumstances combine the Hyper Drive with any amount of Old Speckled Hen. We are still in legal proceedings from an unfortunate pecking-related mass killing in the Markham Oldtimers Hockey League in 2015.

PPS – we heard about the 6-4 loss to the Battlers last week and the unfortunate injury to the Marksman Mark^® unit. Stay strong, and 2017 will be another good year for the Aces. Santa himself said so, and you don't cross Santa if you know what's good for you.